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llisa32

Mood swings and emotional outbursts

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Hi all,

 

I haven't been on for a long while - combination of elderly parents, work and J, so hope you'e all doing okay. I could really do with some help and advice pls as rapidly running out of ideas on how to best help J. He's 11.5 at mainstream school with LSU support once a week and started puberty about a year ago. He is seriously unimpressed with puberty - he didn't want the hair, doesn't want his voice to change, and cannot comprehend why sometimes he just feels really really angry for no reason he can find - in total it makes no sense to him. He's had all the age relevant info for puberty and they have also been covering it at school for his year group during the last 6 months.

 

My main worry/concern is...he has always had a tendancy to school refuse, he thinks it's a conspiricy invented by us adults and if he had his way he would never go. However, we have periods of around 4 - 6 months where school goes well, he goes in without issue and all is happy. These periods were getting longer and I thought that finally we had the right mix of support at school to keep him settled. But...then puberty kicked in.

 

The school know he's very unimpressed about puberty, he has always been the tallest and biggest kid in the class and now has a little puppy fat around his middle and spots in his back to live with - we know he's concious about this so at his request have been making sure he keeps eating a healthy diet and the school are sensitive to his plight. However, more and more frequently over the last few months he is having to leave a class because he feels inexplicably 'angry' and go and chill out with matron. he is getting a lot of stomach aches, he wakes up 'angry' and just curls up in a ball on the sofa refusing to do anything. He has been telling relatives plus his Dad and I that no one loves him, no one cares about him and he truely seems to believe it when he says it. I'm at a loss to know where to go with this at the moment. He has also started to miss school lunch and hide so that no one makes him go to lunch. By the end of the school day he then feels pretty ill.

 

I've tried tracking back at school to find an issue, but the only one coming up is homework and that's been an issue since starting school, so not a new issue. If we ask him why he thinks no one loves him he can't find a reason/reply. He's generally a chirpy cheeky happy boy and to see him like this is so sad - hence I'm on here and trying to find out if this is a fairly common way for boys with ASD to progress through puberty, and to find out how others have dealt with it/helped their kids. All advice greatfully received! :)

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Hello :) Firstly, welcome home, good to see you back where you belong. >:D<<'>

 

I can't answer this from the perspective of ASD and puberty in boys; hopefully someone here will be able to give that specific advice. However, I can give some suggestions about general issues of puberty in boys and them coping with change.

 

He may be struggling with all the changes and not knowing what's expected of him and not having predictable changes (this is change in terms of being difficult for everyone not just an ASD difficulty). He may be fearful about not being able to continue things he gets pleasure from. One of the things we (as in grown-ups, teachers, parents) so often do/say is focus on the growing up - "you're a big boy now", "you're almost an adult", "older children do X,Y,Z, not A, B, C", "you're the biggest, you need to set an example". Even with age restrictions on products, the focus is always on getting older and getting rid of a 'childish' identity. All the focus is on being someone they don't know how to be. So, try and reduce that and make it explicitly okay that he can still be the same person even if his body is changing.

 

So for instance you can reinforce that it's quite okay for him to like the same things he did before he started physically changing. He can continue to play with his Pokémon (if he's still into that - or whatever he's into), maybe you could even get him some to show it's okay.

 

Emphasise that he is still a child and it's okay to be a child. The saying he's not loved may just be his insecurities about feeling he will be treated differently if he's not a child anymore. So let him know and show him that he'll still be treated the same and nothing has changed. Make it explicit to him that physical changes make no difference to how family members feel about each other.

 

Talk to him about his body practising for becoming an adult rather than him actually being an adult. His body is just testing itself to make sure it works but he is still exactly the same person and he doesn't have to change who he is or what he does because his body is changing. Talk about what makes someone an adult, i.e. voting, driving and explain that these really distinguish adults from children, again emphasising that he is still a child and he has lots of time still to be a child.

 

With the feeling angry, maybe (if you pick some appropriate parts!!) watch some 'Kevin' sketches so he's aware it's normal to feel like that and then think about strategies that might work to help him get through them with the full awareness that these feelings will pass. Is his leaving class disruptive to his education - if not, it seems like a sensible solution and also shows he's aware of his feelings so it's something you/he can work on.

 

What reasons has he given for missing lunch? Is there the possibility (a bit of misguided ASD 'logic') that he's thinking that if he doesn't eat he won't grow-up (how often do we say "eat you food so you grow-up big and strong"?)? I would be careful not to make a big thing of this, but also make your expectations clear that he does eat.

 

On a practical level, if things like spots become an issue and make him feel very self-conscious the GP may be able to help - though there needs to be some care that he doesn't see the changes as bad/ill/something wrong of course.

 

 

Oh, and I don't think I've got over being unimpressed with puberty either!!! :lol: :lol: I'm still a child on the inside. :jester:

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Thanks for the warm welcome back Mumble >:D<<'>

 

You've raised a couple of things I hadn't considered - in particular the causing a halt to growing up by not eating and one thing I have been saying a lot to him lately is 'you're two now you're eleven!!' when faced by him refusing to go anywhere near the bath and associated soap! (nothing has changed on that front)

 

Unfortunately with the onset of puberty - needing to wash properly and regularly is more important than ever and we have been having mega battles about that - hence me losing patience and quoting the 'you're eleven now' line. Maybe I need to rethink that one.

 

Also hadn't really considered how worried he might be about the 'new' him, so will work on that too

 

Definately given me some good things to think about and even J's teacher now wants me to pass on anything from you all I can find out so thank you for that >:D<<'>

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When I was going through my angry teen phase and getting annoyed at nothing, I found it would worsen if people drew attention to it. As long as he's not actually bothering anyone else while he's stewing he might be best left ignored. The less of a deal you make of it the less of a deal it'll seem to him, maybe?

 

If he doesn't already, it might be worth finding out if he wants to take up something that might help him to vent the anger. A sport, or an instrument...

 

If there is any embarrassment over feeling like he's growing up but he's not ready, as Mumble said, remind him that physically maturing has nothing to do with your general maturity. And although he might like to keep some things a secret (if there are cartoons he watches that he's worried about other people mocking, for example), remind him that there's lots of people who actually find all things childish cool! I have Thomas the Tank Engine bedsheets and dinosaur shape cutters for my sandwiches, and that's seen as quite cool from a lot of people I know (because, secretly, they'd all like to never grow up, really - having said that they're all Ramomes fans, too, and if the Ramones don't wanna grow up then who are they to argue? ;) Cool song for anyone who feels like that, though. I think of it as one of my theme songs!).

 

I did notice that a lot of boys who had older brothers seemed to cope better with 'growing up' because they'd copy their brothers (one of my cousins was styling his hair and wearing aftershave before he hit puberty).

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i was the same personal situation as your son in puberty hit anyone hard but A.S teens twice ad bad it's like a slap round the face!!! sounds like your son has low self esteem and self-image him skipping lunch could this be him trying to avoid putting on any more weight?

 

it's tough period of life to adjust to as feels like riding a storm a emotional rollercoaster and feels like you can't make sense of anything everything feels everywhere and such a mess so many changes physical ,emotional in the body chemicals going round adds to A.S and causes great friction stress anxiety.

 

the not wanting to do anything but sit on sofa has depression been looked into? also missing lunch could be physical sign of this too aswell as sleeping patterns as appetite meal times etc

 

also finding emotions overwhelming trapping frustrating and not being able to express into 'exact words' out of your head can be so confusing you can feel so lost ,ALONE scared /frightened

 

 

XKLX

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Mumble, your post was excellent. My daughter is 10 and beginning puberty and I'm talking to other parents about their experiences and getting as much info as I can in time to help my daughter through it. I've saved your post into the 'puberty' folder on my computer for future reference!! Good luck llisa32 - I think we're facing a few bumpy years. My issue will be if my daughter and I have PMS at the same time when I'm angry, confused and crying for no reason without even beginning to deal with her feeling the same way :blink:.

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Mumble, your post was excellent. My daughter is 10 and beginning puberty and I'm talking to other parents about their experiences and getting as much info as I can in time to help my daughter through it. I've saved your post into the 'puberty' folder on my computer for future reference!! Good luck llisa32 - I think we're facing a few bumpy years. My issue will be if my daughter and I have PMS at the same time when I'm angry, confused and crying for no reason without even beginning to deal with her feeling the same way :blink:.

:lol: Thanks. The biggest advice I would give to any parent from my own experience growing up is to be really clear about what will happen in a very matter-of-fact way. I went through puberty without knowing anything about it as I never had 'the talk' and didn't pick up on things in the playground. Starting periods without knowing what's happening is really frightening. :tearful: Lisa be thankful that at least you won't have PMT to deal with with him!!! :rolleyes:

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Yep Definately grateful he's a boy - least we got hormone surges at hopefully different times!.

 

On a progress front - after taking onboard the posts (thanks all) and giving it some thought I've done the following:

 

1. Because he usually can handle some 'teasing' and banter - I told him I'd read a book that said boys who feel unloved and sad need to have extra cuddles!! - in fact as many as the mum can fit in whilst the boy stays still! :rolleyes: And despite him finding that funny he actually hasn't pulled away that many times so must be in need of extras :)

 

2. Told him as advised >:D<<'> that although his body is getting ready to be an adult it doesn't mean he's not still a child and able to still be a kid and do kid stuff - to which I promptly got told 'but I'm eleven! - BUT..when I then suggested indulging the bakugan habit that had worn off of late it's been the fab fad all weekend! And he used some of his savings to buy a new pokemon game :thumbs:

 

3. After giving the missing school lunch incidents more thought I realised I'd been missing the key factor in his upset - the biggest thing that causes anxiety etc for J is change - so having his own body change before his very eyes and being unable to do anything about it must be horrid for him and really unsettling - this side of it I hadn't thought off - can't believe I didn;t as change in anything has historically caused massive upset - so prob this explains the reason why he's bought into the hugs I've been chasing him round the house for.

 

After speaking with J's dad we think the reason he's missing lunch is to do with weight control - because he's heard people say that you should only eat when you are hungry - else you put on weight - we think he has taken that literally - which in J's case will mean unless he is starving he won't ask for food. So we are working on addressing this and making sure he has all his facts correct and accurate and hopefully the food thing will settle down once he accepts that missing meals will just make you poorly.

 

4. Had a long chat with J's form teacher and we have finally agreed on a really scaled down homework diary (homework has always been an issue) So we are only doing maths and science at home and english done with LSU during school time. This will also help ease the pain whist he is out of sorts.

 

Fingers crossed all the above will help, this pm and evening is the chirpiest he has been for a while, very chatty and went to bed happy :thumbs:

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this pm and evening is the chirpiest he has been for a while, very chatty and went to bed happy :thumbs:

Awesome! :thumbs: I shall send you my bill in the post. :lol: :lol: :P

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Hi,

 

How glad am I. I came on here today looking for some advice, your post is exactly what is happening to my son. School refusal, not eating lunch at school, and hid behind the bin all lunch time not wanting to be noticed.

 

I had meeting with the school and we believe it is the pressure of SATS revision they are doing at school at the moment, and also year 6 transition.

 

He has been coping really well lately. And all of a sudden he just went from being happy, social, trying to be all grown up(walking out of school gate alone and walking to the car). To a quivering wreck and not even being able to stay alone upstairs and not sleeping unless sleeping with me.

 

I will try the suggestions. I am just so anxious myself worrying he is not going to be able to cope with secondary school.

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