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MelowMeldrew

All is confusion

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Son of blew up again today, he asked for sandwiches, his mum made him some and he went wild, said his mum had cut them diagonally instead of making 4 squares as he usually likes, except if dad makes them diagonally that is OK, but Mum isn't allowed. She made him another set this time with squares, he went mad again said the plate looked different, so it was put on another plate and then he said he wanted them binned.... who got out the wrong side today ?!!! He cried for an hour after as well...

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When J was little I remember having similair batteles with J, For J it was control/power issue, especially if I had of tried really hard to accomadate his particular preferences and it still wasnt right, it use to weigh me down and test my patience, personally if he wasnt satisfied after the second attempt, third attempt until I gave him clear verbal commands, I got J involved in making the sandwhich more too, and got him to cut the sandwhichs, it is very draining when children have ridgid behaviours and I do sympathyse with you the struggle you had today it isnt easy.

 

JsMumx

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I don't understand why, after the first complaint that they were cut incorrectly, the response wasn't "well take them as they are or not at all". Quite possibly he would have chosen "not at all" but he's not going to starve and he's not going to learn that he is in control - JsMum is absolutely correct that this is about control, but having recognised that, it can't be right to feed into it (if you'll pardon the pun...) by responding to every whim and demand.

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MelowMeldrew - not sure how old your son is, but that sounds like the type of battles I'm having on a daily basis with my 3 year old...

 

1) Give him some control - it doesn't matter to me which way the sandwiches are cut, but it matters to my DD, and it's different every time. So I ask her - 'Do you want squares or triangles or soldiers?'.

2) I'm learning the hard way that there's only 1 way to deal with a tantrum - to totally ignore it until she calms down. If he goes mad because her dinner is wrong, you put the plate on the side, wait for him to calm down and then it's there if he wants it. Or, you might decide that if he asks nicely for a different one or for help making a different one then you will let him, that's your decision - but at the moment you are rewarding him for yelling and screaming at you.

 

It is very very difficult with a 3 year old - I cannot imagine how much harder it must be with an older child ((hugs))

Edited by RainbowsButterflies

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Sounds like my 3 year old nephew. He throws a daily tantrum, but I'm a grizzled veteran of this sort of thing having dealt with 3 younger siblings. Children know when the subject of their tantrum is unimpressed and stop doing it.

 

Can accommodate behaviours to an extent of course, but that is your decision and not the child's.

 

If they think there's even a chance you will give in, they will keep going.

Edited by dm2010

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My initial response to it was OK make it your own your way or go without, but his Mum waits on him, so I suspect he was fighting against me by manipulating her. He is 16 and doing this more and more now, so looks like a teen angst thing. He is running the school ragged at present too, by picking and choosing what level of cooperation he will give out or participate in, 60% of the time they are teaching him apart from the rest too. I feel at present I am the only one laying down ground rules, with the school quoting guidelines as to why they have to let him do his own thing.... I believe it is a matter of discipline at the present, and I am the only one taking responsibility for it. He has to learn he cannot always have his own way. It's not about what his autism dictates, it looks like Dad v son... I take my own advice in that I don't confront as this makes the battle joined, but it is made clear basics he is capable of doing, I expect he will do them. He has learnt that a few tears to Mum, Dad is zeroed...

Edited by MelowMeldrew

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To me the fact he is 16 throws an entirely different light on it. It's difficult for me to comment directly as I don't know your son and his capabilities, and am very aware that the autism umbrella encompasses a broad range, but I would expect the average child to be able to make themselves a sandwich by the end of primary school. Ask if he can make himself one - definitely as dinner might be nearly ready etc. Ask his mother to make it for him - he needs to learn a little independence and take some responsibility for himself at 16. And to then complain that they aren't cut the way he wants them when he should have done it himself in the first place - what more can I say?

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Practical suggestion here - if he is not sufficiently dextrous to make his own sandwich as suggested above, why not make the sandwich then get him to cut it into the shape he wants it? This will help him with his independence skills, give him a bit of control, and take the pressure off you to get every detail right.

Life with as Aspie teen is often about balance. You can easily end up with everything becoming a battle. It is best to work out which battles are important, and make sure you win them. As for the others, you need to make compromises and work out strategies so that you can live together without driving each other up the wall.

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If he's able to turn on tears to order, then he can choose to behave a lot better than he is doing.

Aspie teens are perfectly capable of acting reasonably on their own account if they want to.

 

It's when they are told 'be more sociable' or 'fit in more' that demands become unfair.

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Practical suggestion here - if he is not sufficiently dextrous to make his own sandwich as suggested above, why not make the sandwich then get him to cut it into the shape he wants it? This will help him with his independence skills, give him a bit of control, and take the pressure off you to get every detail right.

Life with as Aspie teen is often about balance. You can easily end up with everything becoming a battle. It is best to work out which battles are important, and make sure you win them. As for the others, you need to make compromises and work out strategies so that you can live together without driving each other up the wall.

 

 

Seems clear to me he didn't want the sandwich at all, just wanted to control his Mum. He is quite capable of doing these things himself, but chooses not to. So its a control thing in my view, from his school reports he is manipulating his teacher too, who really should know better, I had a row with her recently about disciplines, she say the guidelines prevent her enforcing it. He has Mum on his side which makes it difficult to lay down the rules because he will go to her and she will do what he wants. There is no balance at all really, he can often adopt the stance of refusing to wash, feed himself, put his clothes whatever now... I find his mum is the weakest link and he knows it... I feel often I am the only one attempting to get some independence from him. Up until 14 yrs of age we never had these issues, all of a sudden puberty kicked in and now we never know what he will or won't do next. He could easily just stop feeding himself and make his mum spoon feed him.

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Hi MM,

 

Have you talked this out with his mum? I mean, found out exactly what is going on for her? Her approach is clearly not helping your son or the family as a whole.

 

Maybe she feels a lot of guilt that he has special needs, and in response to that feels she has to give him everything he wants? This is a very normal feeling for parents, especially mums I think, and is often a stage in the very natural grieving process parents go through when they have a child with difficulties.

 

Maybe if you can talk this out with her and acknowledge how she feels this might be the first step to her moving on in her feelings about your son's disability? I think often we parents can get 'stuck' in a stage of the grieving process, whether it's denial or anger or guilt. It can take a long time to work through all this and reach a stage of acceptance.

 

Other than this, I agree with everything others have said about making his own snacks, etc.

 

Good luck, it's hard when you have to try to juggle all these things.

 

Bid >:D<<'>

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Hi MM,

 

Have you talked this out with his mum? I mean, found out exactly what is going on for her? Her approach is clearly not helping your son or the family as a whole.

 

Maybe she feels a lot of guilt that he has special needs, and in response to that feels she has to give him everything he wants? This is a very normal feeling for parents, especially mums I think, and is often a stage in the very natural grieving process parents go through when they have a child with difficulties.

 

Maybe if you can talk this out with her and acknowledge how she feels this might be the first step to her moving on in her feelings about your son's disability? I think often we parents can get 'stuck' in a stage of the grieving process, whether it's denial or anger or guilt. It can take a long time to work through all this and reach a stage of acceptance.

 

Other than this, I agree with everything others have said about making his own snacks, etc.

 

Good luck, it's hard when you have to try to juggle all these things.

 

Bid >:D<<'>

 

I think mum has been in denial since he was born really. I seem to have accepted it immediately, she always used to say when it got hard "He will be OK in a couple of years just learning a bit slower..." as if autism will cure itself when he is older ! Numerous attempts have been made to explain autism (In as much as anyone has an idea what it is), but she seems to struggle with it. I just love my lad as I do his mum, so will do whatever it takes... I am trying to talk her into allowing more outside support, as a way around the situation, but its hard going, and have to be careful not to alienate Mum who may think I want him elsewhere, which isn't the case at all. I explained he will never attain any sort of independent as he is capable unless we unite on the basics. She seems to be doing more for him now than when he was much younger, I am thinking the lad is 16 and she is frightened he will be too independent to want her. It's one for the Mum's to answer I think. In my opinion the day he says "I am off out to play with my friends.." I'd be shouting hooray in the streets... I often feel it is never going to happen at all :(

Edited by MelowMeldrew

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Most of the replies have already said it, but, yes, a pretty straightforward 'like it or lump it' scenario. If my son behaved like that toward me he'd be eating fart pie and windy pudding (i.e. 'air') for lunch!

 

L&P

 

BD

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