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JeanneA

Residential?

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Hi, I'm off to a meeting shortly regarding my son Glen. The meeting involves the social worker, school representative and CAMHS. Glen could be coming home next Friday after being away for nearly 16 weeks having a mental health assessment. So what will happen next? thats what hopefully this meeting is about. It seems that the psychiatrist at Northumberland where Glen is currently at has admitted to me this week that Glen will always have these 'cycles' of behaviour, nothing seems to help him, she also said that the school environment isn't suitable for Glen to go back to even though the professionals involved this end are suggesting Glen go back part time, and we all know why its just the easiest option! Glen will be 17 in a couple of weeks, he goes through cycles of aggression towards us, particularly me, he self harms regualarly and I don't know if I can cope with him for much longer which is why I have asked about residential options. I love Glen very much and want him at home but I have to think of what's best for him and us as a family. Glen needs somewhere that there is a lot of support which I cannot give at home, I have no family that can help. So do you think I'm doing the right thing in looking at residential options? I do feel so guilty about it though as I guess any parent would but I have think of the future and what's in all our best interests.

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I don't think you should in any way feel guilty, JeanneA, but I know that is very easy for me to say. You've given so much to Glen and you will continue to do so, even if he does end up going to residential. Like you say, you must think of the future and what is best for you all.

 

Really hope you can find an option that you are happy with. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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Oh Jeanne :(>:D<<'>

 

You shouldn't feel guilty at all! My son went to a residential special school from 15 to 18. It was really hard for us to have him go, BUT I knew it was the only way he would get his future back.

 

If Glen goes to a residential placement, they will be able to support him through these cycles because he will have a whole team of professionals working with him, not two exhausted parents who get no break 24/7.

 

When he is out of this cycle, he will have a whole range of activities to do and independent life skills to learn...maybe things that just the two of you can't do when he's at home because you don't have the back-up of support workers. At the beginning of a shift, his care staff will arrive at work after a break away from the unit, and however challenging their shift, they get to go home at the end. This is so very different from parents who have to soldier on for years without any real break.

 

I've been in both positions, as you know. As a parent whose child went to residential, and has someone who has worked with young people in a residential setting for over 6 years. I vividly remember not long after I started at work successfully dealing with a challenging situation with a teenage lad. Afterwards I thought that if that had happened at home I would have been reduced to tears...but at work I could deal with it because I had that degree of emotional distance. It made me feel that I wasn't a rubbish parent, just that some young people need more support than two exhausted parents can possibly provide.

 

Another thing to consider is that fact that none of us will be around for ever. It will be far, far better for Glen that you are able to choose a placement where you feel he will be happy, visit him there, have him home for stays, etc, than maybe many years down the line when he is perhaps an elderly man have him placed somewhere that you can't choose.

 

I think you are being the very best parent by thinking about what is best for Glen in the wider picture. I know we are all in cyber-space here, but I think all of us send you huge hugs and support.

 

Bidx >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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Thanks very much for the replies. I had the meeting this morning and residential was brought up as a possible direction to go in, I think overall it would be the best option for Glen and us as a family.

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I don't have much to add other than that Bid makes some excellent points. Far far better to be looking into and choosing a placement whilst you can all be (as far as is possible) calm about it and take your time over considering placements.

 

My brother is in 24/7 residential care. Going into care wasn't pleasant as it was done at a time of crisis mainly for the safety of the rest of the family as he had become very violent. However, since then he has been moved three times and has now been in his current home for many years and is expected to stay their until he's 65. It has been really good for him - he is settled, knows the routines, staff know how to get the best from him, and when I last saw him, he was unrecognisable in a good way. My brother is severely Autistic and has severe learning difficulties so it can be difficult to get feedback from him, but you can get a general impression when things are 'right'.

 

It won't all be an easy process, but I do think you know you are doing the right thing long-term. I hope it goes well for all of you.

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I'm not a parent so I cannot appreciate how hard this is for you. I do think though, that feelings of guilt are natural, but not necessarily helpful.

 

Perhaps if Glen was in residential care, the time you did spend with him could be enjoyable, rather than stressful and exhausting as it is at the moment.

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Hi Jeanne, i think you are doing the right thing in looking at residential options. I went through almost identical when son was same age. Go and have a look at as many as you can . Make sure they are the more expert options . The professionals involved with my son were adamant he should live residential and they thought the Hesley Group were very good and Thorne House ( now Autism Plus) however they are in the North of England . In the end I decided he should stay put, x

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Hi Jeanne

 

It a natural feeling to feel guilty, its instinctive to keep our childrens at arms leangths to prevent injury and attack and goes far back to cave days but what your proposing is a provision that will provide your son support, education, social, emotional, mental, behavioural needs this is what is required to meet his needs and to promote his wellbeing and help his present and future.

 

J is going back to his previous residential school next week part time tempary until we can get him in a new residential school, Js has to be residential to give him the 24curriculum he requires to meet his needs.

 

I would go and look at some specialist residential schools, focus on the primary needs your son has so for example ASD and look at what provisions your son would benefit from, for example, SALT, OT, Art/Play Therapy ect,.....

 

I would be very careful and mindful of the type of Residential school too because in our situation we are now searching for a new residential specialist school due to the school not addressing Js Underlying needs.

 

So visit at least four or five schools.

 

There is independant specialist school too to research in as well.

 

even though I am not satified with Js presant resi special school right now, the residential does provide J predictability, structure, routine and boundaries.

 

So I am a advocate of Residential settings, it doesnt suit some children but it is absaloutly essential for other children who depend on structure and routine.

 

I would look at some residential school first and get a feel of what the particular enviroment could do for your Glen, I found it incredibly difficult to find a particular special school due to Js average intelligence and ability, the most difficulty for us was getting the right Peer match.

 

Anyway I would definately start your research and dip inx

 

JsMumxxx

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Hi, as he`s 17 would this school only be for a year? and then what? The way I would look on it is this, many children leave home at 17/18. my NT son moved into a flat with friends at 18, he`s 22 now, its a natural progression, you have done soooooooooo well to keep him at home this long.

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Hi Jean -

 

I'm assuming you mean a residential care placement rather than school placement? Something that will offer long-term support in a community that can cater for the various medical and support needs he has?

Can only say I agree 100% with what everyone's already said; that any 'guilt' is misplaced (because although it is not what you would want it will offer the most consistent support and homelife for Glen), and that a care environment like that will give you the kind of support you need to give him your best.

 

See as many different places as you can, speak to as many of the staff and other service users as you can and preferably to some other parents who have chosen that care placement too.

You are far from being alone in making this decision, and I know from my own work in care that it's often not only the best practical solution but the best 'life-experience' one too.

 

Very, bvery best with finding the right placement soon.

 

L&P

 

BD

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Hi thanks for all your very welcome comments. At the meeting it was suggested that it would be a school residential placement, I will however look into this. I have been given a list of care home options to look at and also residential school options which I have been looking through.

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Many Residential special schools go up to 19yrs old now, some even 21, and private Education and Care go even upto 25yrsx

 

You may need to look into Independant sectors, but that will mean funding may be harder to obtain and a fight, but it is still worth it if you get them in the right provision for a few years, rather than nothing at all.

 

JsMumx

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I have heard that a further 1 week extension has been granted for Glen's assessment so he won't be coming home next Friday 25th as we thought, but the following week 1st April. However, the hospital still wants the 3 week extension so are going to have another try and persuading our local county council to granted the other 2 weeks so I will keep you posted!

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Hi Glen has a further 2 weeks at Prudhoe and will be coming home on the 15th of April. There was a meeting at the school yesterday with a lot of professionals involved. Help will be provided in the home and to take Glen out in the community after he gets home. Residential is also being addressed and is felt by all concerned including my husband and myself that it is the best option for Glen, but it has to be the right place. At least things are going to get underway but it will be a long time before a suitable school/placement is found.

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It sounds like you're getting the support and help you all need, Jeanne. I really hope a good placement that you will feel happy with can be found soon and that the extra help at home makes things easier for you all when Glen is settling back home. I expect you're feeling a bit nervous about him coming home, hope you don't feel too bad about this and that it goes well for you. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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Hi Jeanne, just wanted to send you some hugs,it positive that so many are on board now to help Glen and get him a good secure future put in place.As oxgirl said, you,ll be feeling anxious about him coming home, hope all goes well for you >:D<<'> >:D<<'> , best wishes suzexx

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Are the hospital going to produce a report that will support you in seeking a residential placement?

 

I know alot of parents that do have them and it has been the best thing for everyone involved.

At some point someone is going to have to take over his care from you. You will feel much better if that process begins now rather than when you are old and frail, or because you find yourselves in a situation of crisis with Glen at home and you unable to cope.

He isn't going to be a prisoner inside a jail.

He can still come home for visits, and you can visit to take him out.

I know that isn't quite the same as having your child at home with you all the time. But for many parents (and I am also wondering if that may include myself in the near future), having the child at home may not be in anyones best interests.

 

But because that isn't going to happen easily, please make sure that you get as much written evidence for this need from his current placement as you possibly can.

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Hi thanks for all your comments. Yes the hospital have provided a report regarding the residential option. The social worker is coming round this week to discuss the support package for Glen for when he comes home.

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