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Alli

Aspie Partner

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Finding it really difficult at the moment with an aspie partner(undiag.) and yes you have guessed he won't/can't discuss it. Would appreciate constructive comments Very fragile at the mo but this site is usually moderated well

 

Is there a problem…….? He won’t discuss it so here it is

 

• No support on parenting issues to the detriment of our children including one with AS

 

• Avoidance (work, computer and jobs for others as much as possible)

 

• Constant lying or withholding of information to give me no say in things. Buying thing we don't need.

 

• Lying about time/where he is going.

 

• No desire to spend time with me or family doing normal family outings/activities.

 

• Money given to kids to keep them “happy” at a distance with no real quality time spent with them.

 

• Strangers more important

 

• Won’t organise any social event e.g. visiting family or friends or book holidays. Must be completely on his terms.

 

• Recently has had to look after his Mum on occasional weekends. Tries to turn this into his holiday not doing chores or keeping her company. (Tries to go on his own so he can do this)

• Won’t do any repairs until it is his idea. Won’t let someone be paid for painting he won’t do or help with.

 

• Won’t deal with snoring as it doesn’t affect him.

 

I want this..

• Someone who does not condone bad behaviours so as avoid getting involved ie actually cares how I am treated. Cares about children’s development.

• Someone who actually cares about our family enough to want to be with us.

• Honesty and openness as this is what he gets. An emotional connection

• An occasional night out and holidays away. Joint planning of family freetime.

• Cooperation in running and maintaining the house

On the surface these seem like normal man problems but it is the degree. I don't think he realises how much he is loved and accomodated. I think he may be an oppositional type of person even when it is illogical. Feeling very upset esp. re children. The kids know if anything is said to them re behaviour, they can just blow up and he will not support me.

 

Quite distressed and wondering if I am being unfair in expecting any more from him.

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Have you tried Relate? someone posted about marriage counselling specific to AS, wasn't long ago. Other than that haven't really got any advice. Just wanted to say Hi and welcome :thumbs: I am sure someone in a similar position will be along shortly yo offer advice.

xx

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Hi Alli -

 

Relate or counselling sounds like a very good idea, but having said that it sounds like he will be unwilling to go, or to ackowledge any 'problem' in your relationship.

 

None of the issues you have raised relate in any way to Aspergers - they are exactly the kinds of problems most women relate when they are in an unhappy relationship with a man. Labelling them as 'Aspie' traits will provide him with a justification and excuse for enacting more of the behaviours, and distract you from recognising the reality of the situation, which is that you are (possibly) living with a very selfish bloke who won't show any more interest until the status quo is challenged and he can see the need for making some changes. Possibly he won't then - many very selfish people are quite capable of cutting their own noses off to spite their faces then rewriting history to make themselves the victim.

Having said that, many of the things you mention could be 'differences of opinion' that are quite normal between men and women, who for various reasons including 'brain pathology' as well as environmental and social factors, tend to have very different views about the kinds of issues you are posting on that are both 'valid' when put into a gender context.

i am not saying any of the factors below relate to you or your partner, but they could, and differences in how you 'view' the world could mean you are as unwilling/incapable of seeing his point of view as he is yours:

 

No support on parenting - Very often father's are 'displaced' or overruled on anything they they to input to a child's care that does not meet the 'approval' of the mother or the mother's 'instincts'. Quite often mum will want them to intercede in terms of discipline, but actually prevent the father from doing so when he tries to do so. There are lots of reasons for this, mostly social and psychological (as 'nurturer and protector' mothers will often do a complete turnaround and defend the behaviours they've asked for help with (this can apply to their husbands as well as their children, so you, for instance could end up in this thread denying the possibility that your partner is 'selfish') and they may also feel their 'role' is challenged by an interested father). With regard to the latter, if you people watch you will very often see situations where a child playing with his/her father will get casually sidetracked by mum after a few minutes. It's a very strong impulse. Many fathers do retreat as a result of these kinds of issues, unconsciously coming to resent the very defined roles that mothers sometimes want them to play. These kinds of problems can be much worse in situations where children are disabled, because all of the factors contributing to the fracture in the family dynamics become exacerbated.

 

Avoidance - I'm assuming this means avoidence of family or family duties in favour of other pursuits? Again, this can relate to the above - if he feels he is included only on 'mums' terms then he might feel reluctant or even undervalued and unskilled. If every time he tries to engage he is effectively pushed away or told 'no, not like that - like this' seeking other activities out would be entirely natural. Other factors could tie in with his history and with expectations: If he came from a background where dads played a peripheral role that's modelling that needs to be undone, and if he came from a background where everything was done by mum for him that's another chuink of role modelling that needs to be undone.

 

Lying etc - just sounds like plain old fashioned selfishness, I'm afraid. If he's very good at lying and deceit these would more often be indications that he's not AS. The old myth that 'Autistics can't lie' is exactly that - a myth - but as a rule of thumb most would be more likely to take a 'don't like it, lump it' route of avoidance than complex lies and deceit.

 

I think all the other things you've put are variations on the same themes, so if you try to look at the above you'll possibly find some clues there.

 

Again, what I'd reiterate is that you have not in any way described a person with AS: You've just described an indolent, feckless and selfish 'bloke' from the perspectives of a woman that many other women could identify with. No need for any label whatsoever, and it would probably do more harm (as an excuse/justification) than good. In the advice offered above I am not 'blaming' you in any way for his behaviours or attempting to justify them - if he is genuinely as indolent, feckless and disinterested as you describe I would advise 'the order of the boot' rather than extending him any sympathy - but there is a very good chance that the dynamics of your relationship and family are 'flawed' and you're both responding to them in different (possibly gender-specific in many cases) ways.

 

Good luck getting him along for counselling, but if you do want things to change it sounds like that's worth the effort and you'll need to approach it with mutual honesty. If you do take the counselling route I would avoid anything that tries to label his behaviours as AS, firstly because they're not, secondly because it will detract from the real problems, and thirdly because if he is feeling undervalued and underskilled then a counsellor confirming that for him on assumptions based on prejudices rather than balanced assessment can only result in him feeling more valueless and inept. Not very good for his self-esteem or your relationship.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited by baddad

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What I see here is someone is selfish and unreasonable.

 

Not an exclusively Aspie thing, which I don't believe he is - but let's assume this is so just as an exercise. To take your list in detail :

 

• Someone who does not condone bad behaviours so as avoid getting involved ie actually cares how I am treated.

Absolutely you should be getting this - aspies are often very strong and consistent on right and wrong.

 

• Cares about children’s development.

Certainly. He should be backing you on discipline.

 

• Someone who actually cares about our family enough to want to be with us.

Aspies are NOT antisocial by choice, so that is not an excuse. Close friends and family are often very close. It's the general public they are not comfortable with.

 

• Honesty and openness as this is what he gets. An emotional connection

Honesty and openness - certainly. An emotional connection you may not get - this is what aspies find so hard.

 

• An occasional night out and holidays away. Joint planning of family freetime.

Yes, and aspies often love planning activities in exhaustive detail with close friends and family

 

• Cooperation in running and maintaining the house

Yes - tell him what you want though rather than expecting him to guess it.

 

So overall, even if he is an Aspie (which I very much doubt) there is no excuse for this behaviour.

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So sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time Alli >:D<<'>

 

It's worth remembering that you can go to Relate on your own even if your partner refuses to go with you. It might be very helpful to be able to talk things through in a 'safe' environment. They can also advise about how best to handle relationship difficulties when children are involved.

 

I have AS, and we went to Relate for 9 months just after my dx, and we did have a counsellor who had experience of working with people with AS. I didn't feel that there was any overt focus on my AS, either as a 'get-out-of-jail-free-card' or as swiping cristicsm...it was more that she understood that I found eye-contact difficult, or why sometimes I had trouble word-finding, or being able to verbalise emotions...and she understood the autistic reasons why I am like this. So it was easier for me to communicate, and she helped me to understand things from a different perspective, for example. The whole experience was extremely beneficial for us.

 

To be honest, I have to echo the previous posters: nothing you describe immediately sounds like AS to me, although obviously we have never met your partner. But whether he has AS or not, selfish, unkind behaviour from anyone is never acceptable within a family.

 

I do hope you can find a way forward to help you all.

 

Bid >:D<<'>

Edited by bid

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Oh - just to add to my OP...

I wasn't meaning to imply that your partner couldn't have AS - just that the things you described with regard to your relationship problems are not 'AS', and that if they were the aspects of his personality you were drawing your conclusions from the conclusions were probably erroneous. Hope that makes sense, and sorry if my OP was unclear on that.

 

L&P

 

BD

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Thanks 4 all yr comments will take me a while to digest. I do believe my partner has AS and is selfish. Will reply in more detail tomorrow. Have taken the advice of a friend to look after my own well being and then address issues. Went to an alternative pract. this eve for energy balancing/ massage feel less "wound tight" was shocked at how sore I was physically and was unaware that I was. Haven't slept properly in ages. Anyway thanks for the comments

Alli

Edited by Alli

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I wish you well in trying to sort your family out, good luck.

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