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Boundaries !!!!

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Tuesday was just awful!!! Day off , and had booked a doctors app at DD's request to discuss help with minimising scars ( due to one time self harming issues) DD not happy as she wanted camouflage make-up not silicone gel!! Stormed out of surgery... Very rude, and wouldn't listen when I tried to explain that she hadn't been refused and the possibility would be looked into but try gel for now.....(also pulled her up on her unacceptabl rudeness) Left her in car to calm down and I went to pharmacy....Returned and, by that time, apologised. All good until.....I asked her to do some supplied homework.... Said she would after lunch.... Agreement made.... Left to have time with playstation whilst I went to do some baking and prepare lunch..... Lunch eaten.... I reminded her of her agreement , but when gently pushed, threw phone across the room ( still broken) and so I removed her iPod!! .... Not happy!!! We then have a chat along the lines of... I'm here to help you and listen to you ( nobody ever listens to me)....but that simply isn't true... Fancy a cuddle? Want to watch a DVD, or walk the dog with me?.... Negative! Are you worried about starting your new school? ( don't care... It's school) ..... Our chat went on for a good hour without much progress and resulted in her throwing the sofa cushions at me for my efforts and telling me to 'get f****d.... At which point I removed the rest of this months pocket money and warned her that next months was in severe jeopardy !!! Her next move? To pack her bags( nothing but crisps and juice) and threaten to leave!! She asked to have her new bag and I said no, as it was for school ..... Not happy!! Sat in the garden to collect my thoughts and give her time to process, ..... Next, call from my older son to say that she had just swallowed some tablets !!! Husband and I took her to A & E and we stayed in overnight. We had a visit from CAMHS the next day and I explained that whilst I absolutely recognize her anxiety with regards to the huge changes coming up and totally undetstand her worries, I felt it was our determination to put in place the boundaries she hates so much that causes her to ' up the anti' all of the time!! CAMHS agreed that this was a tactic and encouraged us to continue with our technique and reassuring us that we were 100% doing it right! i know this but I am so shocked that she will go to such extreme measures to gain control over a disciplined situation!! Horrible experience for us all as she I didn't think she would go so far, and of course she doesn't realise the consequences of her actions or the feelings of others! .... Next day, she said to me " guess all you cam do is laugh about it"!!?? I know more than ever now that she meeds to experience 'no's, boundaries and dissapointments in order to cope far more effectively than she did on Tuesday!!

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Your post sounds sooo familiar, i have yet to find a way to get through to j, or calm him when having a major tantrum, though i have taken a new approach to boundaries and disipline, instead of removing his things as he would go mental i just don't allow someone who is rude and horrible to use my things e.g electric to use his things! or to use my t.v, phone or do any unnessecary favours, i only feed,clothe and do what is my duty as a parent, and explain thats its like friendship, if i was an ###### to my friends, they would no longer lend me things or do things for me, its give and take, cause and effect and i am hurt by his attitude, there for i don't want to do nice things for him. This take away the idea of it being a boundarie or ban, and turns in on its head a little, it may be worth a try :)

Though obviously, he is often rude from my point of view, and straight up from his, logically i guess he's the more truthful, and many a time i stand furious inside yet corrected!!

I hope you can work through things and the upcoming change is a huge one, and will be the cause of major anxiety, even if she dosen't verbalise it, i often feel your a detective! I Don't really know what to suggest as i know there are time where no matter what you do, its hard to get through, if ever.

Stay posotive...even just a teenybit!!

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I think you are just about doing things right.

The only thing that I am trying to do a bit differently is to give the child and yourself time out.

Don't get into a discussion, because the longer you go on at eachother the sooner one of you will flip, and that will mean either further sanctions on the child or you'll feel bad at having flipped.

Try making the request, and if they dont do it they get the sanction and then leave it at that, don't get drawn into further dialogue.

Give an opportunity to do something to 'earn' the priviledge back.

 

My son also reacts very extreme to sanctions, things going wrong etc. Do you know if she has any emotional literacy ie. does she understand and actually 'feel' and recognise her own emotions?

 

When she is calm, maybe talking through some ideas of how to behave and what to do when certain things happen. My son also always tries to pack a bag and leave - or just leave.

 

It isn't easy. I often feel like I need a full time psychologist or psychiatrist living with us to give on the spot advice. Any advice or input is usually a set amount of sessions and usually involves parents doing some programme at home.

 

I would advise talking to her about any issues the morning after they have happened. I usually find my son is more able to talk about stuff because he is calm before anything has happened at the start of the day. And ask her what she thinks about it, or what could be done differently to help her and you.

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Another thought, just reading your post again, is that alot of the stuff you are suggesting is social interaction stuff that you might like, but which your child probably does not understand or have a need for anyway.

Try to work with things that motivate her.

I know I often try to give my son a 'hug' after something has happened to upset him. And often he really does not want it. But we've tried some sensory equipment, and some of that helped to calm him. I'm thinking of getting a weighted blanket, when I've got the cash. But he liked and uses a peanut ball to bounce on when watching TV, a buzzing cushion, weighted belt etc.

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Thank you for your very supportive replies and useful tips! The social interaction comment is very interesting as I think I lose sight of the fact that, as you say, it's just not that important to her. All has been well since Tuesday. My husband and I took a few days off work and we took her to York for a couple of days break.... For us all! I worried that she would interpret it as a treat after what has happened so tried to focus upon the fact that we recognise she has a big step to take next week when she starts her new school etc ( has been out if full time ed for the best part of a year effectively, and is due to start at a fab specialist school having been in mainstream, so it's tough!!) she was really good and more relaxed whilst away and we laughed lots.... Excellent therapy!! At one point. I said 'no' to something and she started to become angry and amazingly, she managed to bring her emotions under control and told me it was the first time she had recognized that she was kicking off because she didn't get her own way!! Progress??? I would have said 'no' to your social literacy question before then! I agree that the time out thing is essential.... No point in going on as that will just overload her and is very counter productive. As soon as she starts to become abusive or aggressive that is when I tell her that the discussion has ended until she is calm and I walk away...most days you see, I think we are doing ok, that I 'get her' and that with all the additional support to come from her school, she will get there, but then on a really bad day like Tuesday, I think I just can't do it and that what I think isy best, just isn't good enough.... To finish on a positive note though, had some really lovely words of love and appreciation in mothers day card this morning! :) :) :)...... Happy mothers day to you all . X

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