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Lyndalou

Any other mums with Aspergers themselves?

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I'm really all over the place at the moment. Don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but today I don't feel great. I recognised that I have always had Aspergers around 2 months ago when I started reading up. At the time I was recovering from another emergency section (I think unnecessary) and trying to come to terms with my son's diagnosis of high functioning autism. It has been a huge shock but not a surprise if that makes sense and yet again I have had to start examining my life and everything that has happened to me in my life from a completely new perspective at a time when I've got quite enough stress already in my life, thank you very much! My first reaction has been 'Who can I tell?' Even friends I have known since my 20's, my first thought as soon as I considered telling them was 'Well I won't see them for dust after this'. My fear of rejection is over-arching. The people I have told though have had a mix of reactions from not being surprised but not thinking it is a big deal to thinking I am joking - I can be seen as a confident, gregarious type in the right company. I spoke to a lady early on (I thought she might get where I was coming from) who has an autistic child who worked with my little boy. I ended up wishing I had not approached her because I think she just thought I was selfish, thinking of myself and not my child when there is obviously nothing much wrong with me - I feel quite embarassed. How do you explain that your whole life has involved obsessing about fitting in and that in order to keep the friends I have I try to gauge how long I can leave meeting up or speaking to them before they give up on me? I naively thought that when I became a mum I would have so much in common with other mums and it'd be all coffee and cake and walks in the park. How wrong was I? In a lot of ways I feel more out of step than ever and right now I feel like my emotions are a pressure cooker. Yesterday, for instance, my baby girl was crying shrilly at many points in the day. The crying makes me sweat and sometimes shake. I can't stand feeling sweaty. The weather keeps changing from cold to hot and I never know what to put the kids in and sometimes it stresses me out - I think I had put her in too much when she went down for a nap. So then, it seemed like she would probably want to be fed more but she has started to gulp her feed and it is difficult to burp her. She has had reflux since birth so I am always anticipating sick and how long she should be upright and the resultant laundry - I feel I have laundry coming out of my ears and it drives me mad. Anyway, yesterday all I could hear was this gurgly noise in her tummy which set my teeth on edge. How do I explain how upset I get? I don't. I would just be thought of as an unfeeling mother! I know it is horrible for her but that does not stop the pressure building up and up until I lose the plot. Then at the same time my little boy is putting his lines of letters on the floor or trying to balance things on the edges of tables and getting very upset when they fall over. Or he is refusing to feed himself at dinner time or refusing to let his nappy be changed. I know that me being unable to get to grips with my anxiety will ultimately affect the children and that is the last thing I want. I also do not want to drive my husband (who has been understanding but doesn't really get it) away. The GP didn't believe me when I said about Aspergers and I have since spoken to an independent assessor who told me that they have not got to grips with the referral process for adults in this area. At least he didn't dismiss me and we have set a date to start working towards a 'professional opinion'. I just want validation so I am not just dismissed as an attention seeker. I feel like I have been expected to put up and shut up for ever. I know I am very lucky in a lot of respects but I have found no other mother in my situation to speak to. The local NAS officer is setting me up with another 2 mums with autistic kids locally so we can bounce ideas off each other but I can't help thinking that I will not be able to be totally frank and that it'll probably turn out that they'll become buddies and I'll be out in the cold because they won't agree with me on certain things. Is there anyone out there who gets where I'm coming from?

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That's really good to know, thanks x

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how do you cope and manage with having AS and being a mum i know being an NT mum stressful anxious time but what added pressures strain are there? as often wondered what it like? what was it like being pregnant with hormones? how does AS clash with motherhood? etc

 

XKLX

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how do you cope and manage with having AS and being a mum i know being an NT mum stressful anxious time but what added pressures strain are there? as often wondered what it like? what was it like being pregnant with hormones? how does AS clash with motherhood? etc

 

XKLX

 

I suppose for me, some days are very stressful, some days are very good and others are just in between. I haven't been diagnosed as yet but recently the biggest strain has been trying to come to terms with now 'knowing' and spending much of the day re-examining everything in my own life and seeing a lot of what I remember I did reflected in my son. (I went to the doctor with my mum before my little boy was assessed. I took her for support and she used examples of what I did - doing puzzles the right way round then back to front over and over and playing on my own etc as examples of why he didn't have an ASD -cringe!!) In some ways it has put my mind at ease about the future because although it has often been hard - my teens and 20's especially are lost in a haze of chronic anxiety and depression and most likely borderline anorexia as I was often to 'busy' to eat - I'm also thinking that I'm still standing! Therefore, my hope is that as time has moved on considerably that my little boy stands to get the support he needs and that he will fulfil his potential in the world. The main thing that upsets me is that he will still have to deal with the anxiety that seems inevitable...

I don't know what it is like for other people but with my son I lost the plot completely a few weeks after he was born. I was screaming and throwing things and became extremely aggressive. I frightened myself but thought that it must be PND and sought help (I eventually got psychodynamic therapy last year on the NHS) This, for me compounded the feelings of failure I have always had and it was made worse when it became clear that my potential 'friends for life' - the girls from my NCT classes - made it clear that I didn't fit in. One of them said that 'You can't get on with everyone' but I didn't understand she was talking about me! It hit me hard. I knew that I had difficulties coping with my new body shape, I got extremely upset with breastfeeding and I couldn't cope with 'not knowing' what the baby wanted. I knew before I had my second baby that I would have to prepare well and this has helped. It also helps that she is a laid-back baby!

Now that I recognise I have sensory difficulties and that I DO have less patience than other mums I am trying to address these things and am reading furiously about stress management etc. However, the main thing I am focusing on is learning to forgive myself for all the ways I have acted and reacted with the hope that in time my children will have a good and fulfilled life because my more balanced view will rub off on them.

Weirdly, pregnancy was not too bad in the sense that I normally get bad PMT but during pregnancy my hormones evened out.

Edited by Lyndalou

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how do you cope and manage with having AS and being a mum i know being an NT mum stressful anxious time but what added pressures strain are there? as often wondered what it like? what was it like being pregnant with hormones? how does AS clash with motherhood? etc

 

XKLX

 

The worst was when my now ex-husband's behaviour got the children put on the At Risk Register. Not only did social services assume I was neglecting the kids because I was suspected of having Aspergers Syndrome (that was soon after I had found out about AS and before my diagnosis), Social Services even though it was children's disabilities we were dealing with knew nothing about AS even in 2002 (they had to start finding out about it), and the number of misunderstandings was endless (and every one risked the kids being taken into care for no good reason- once the kids are on the At Risk Register your kids are considered fair game by Social Services anyway (they nearly got taken into care because I had to take both twins to a speech and language group only one was enrolled in because their dad didn't babysit as Social Services wanted, in spite of him abusing them which actually meant the children were safer than if my ex had done what Social Services wanted- the fact the kids came close to being taken into care because of that actually came from the Social Worker). Basically anything not done their (Social Services) way and the kids go in care even if they actually are being well looked after and loved. I needed the skills and talents of the most talented lawyer but I was having to manage with the abilities and social and communication skills of an undiagnosed aspie and at the same time I was having to cope with being abused by my ex and he was blaming his treatment of me on my AS and his family verbally attacking me for not finding some lie to tell Social Services when the Social Worker brought up that my ex hadn't babysat but instead said he hadn't turned up so I had had to take both toddlers with me to the group (which was the truth- in my ex's family's eyes telling Social Services the truth is a crime). I also had so many professionals to deal with it exhausted me- professionals are so much harder to communicate with. I had no right to protect my kids from their dad- I was required to give him free access so long as the kids were awake. Yet Social Services kept on about my lack of ability to protect them. I was supposed to spot and divert my ex's anger even though he admitted he blew up without warning (so what was I to spot?) which even if possible would require excellent social and communication skills and a talent for manipulating another adult (to manipulate him into not getting annoyed and angry and to keep him happy without it being at the expense of the kids in order to protect them). I had ever worsening depression.

 

Since then motherhood has had its challenges but not as bad as that. My AS perhaps makes it harder to cope with when I am required to be in 3 or 4 places at once and all are as urgent as each other and it does mean that I totally lack any friends but I am not living in what felt like a war that required perfect social skills to win and losing would emotionally destroy my children.

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Having just started Uni I am once again facing my problems with social interaction.

 

I have been on my course for 3 weeks now and whilst I have gotten to know some people I generally sit alone and when I don't I feel I am intruding. Some of the other people on the course have made an effort with me and whilst I very much appreciate it I also think are they just doing this because they feel sorry for me or do they like me? Rather than worry about if I am welcome if I join a group I detatch myself purposely. During our 1st few days in Uni we were told about they support the uni has for anyone with disabilities or support needs. I have made an appointment for later in the month to discuss my concerns with them and see if they know of a referal point - however I am also worried they will tell me to go to my GP and ask there. I feel so paranoid about approaching my GP about my concerns about possibally having AS myself after I went to one of them with my concerns over my son and his reaction was "I am not convinced". Ok the GP was sort of right when he said he was not convinced about my son's possible ASD as at the moment his dx is GDD and communication disorder but I still have a feeling it will change to ASD eventually.

 

I also think the coping tactics I have learnt over the years will be viewed not as coping tactics but just that I don't have issues with things. I don't want to go tell my GP personal things like personal hygene being a struggle when I am studying to be a nurse and hygene is such a hugely important area. Again these things are areas I know I have issues with so I make a point of paying attention to them. Doing basic things because I force myself to rather than it being second nature are two different things. It's even hard to write this and admit to things in the anonymity of a forum, going into enough detail to convince a professional will be difficult. Maybe I should just forget it. I don't know if there is really anything they can do at uni to support me anyway. But then again I nearly skipped a lecture last week as there was group work and a poster making session - stuff of nightmares. Honestly if I was not so determined to do this course then I'd have skipped that class and been on a slipperly slope to dropping out or being kicked off. So maybe pursuing a dx for myself (or geting told there is nothing wrong and give myself a shake, people just don't like me and I should wash more etc etc) would be useful - if I do have AS then if I can't cope with some of the group sessions then maybe some consideration might be given.

 

I too when I had my eldest thought that being a mum would open doors for me socially and help me fit in - it didn't. Infact it just emphasised to me how difficult I found social situations. I tried to go to the local toddler group and was coping with it (just) until some helpful person thought they would try to help me fit in more by asking me to help with the snacks. It was hell. All I wanted to do was sit in the corner and let my son explore and hopefully play with other children (this was when he was first crawling so his lack of interaction with other children was put down to his not seeing other children often).

Edited by dekra

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I'm a mum with Asperger's too. I realised after having my son that I was only ever going to be able to cope with one child. I never fitted in with the other mums and only managed one visit to toddler group. Fortunately, a mum in the village with a child the same age as my son volunteered to take him so he didn't miss out. She also took him to tumble tots and to swimming. I went back to work full time when my son was 4 months old (my husband was at home during the day) and found I really enjoyed being with my son in small doses. He is now 20 and seems to have survived having me as a mum. I still get very anxious about him but obviously my life is much easier now he's a grown up and he is a great help to me, especially in social situations. I really admire AS mums with more than one child and those with children who are also on the spectrum. You are an inspiration to us all, even if it doesn't feel like it to you.

 

L x

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I'm a mother with AS...... i don't have any friends at all, and when my 2 were younger i tried to go to mother and toddler groups, but i would come home in tears because i was ignored. I talked to my councellor about this and she asked me if i would have liked to join in a conversation, and actually after having a good think about it, i hate small talk because i find it pointless, so wouldn't have really enjoyed it anyway. I seem to have spent most of my life like this actually, wanting interaction, but not enjoying it when it happens. I think it's due to wanting to "appear" to fit in, because when you don't, people notice, and that's when the teasing starts :(

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I also think the coping tactics I have learnt over the years will be viewed not as coping tactics but just that I don't have issues with things.

 

Hi Dekra

 

Good Luck with your course - you are brave going back as a mature student!

 

Whatever way you get the help you need for your course, I hope you get it :thumbs:

 

I tried to go to the local toddler group and was coping with it (just) until some helpful person thought they would try to help me fit in more by asking me to help with the snacks. It was hell. All I wanted to do was sit in the corner and let my son explore and hopefully play with other children (this was when he was first crawling so his lack of interaction with other children was put down to his not seeing other children often).

 

I did 3 toddler groups with my son. One of them, I used to wheel him in in his buggy and he'd start screaming. I felt stressed out most of the time I was there but my problem has always been not that I couldn't chat to other mums but that I would fear that they would see how stressed out I was and think I was a rubbish mum and dislike me. Now, I can look back and realise that it was probably the close proximity of the other kids to him that upset my son and possibly that the ceiling in the room was low and because of this the room was quite dim with flourescent lights - my own pet hates!!

 

One group I felt (and my son felt) quite comfortable in. It was quite a small group and there was no cliqueyness. I had to leave though because I couldn't stomach the jobsworthy attitude of the council 'Group Co-ordinator' who supposedly 'ran' the group - I knew that I would say something to her face sooner or later!? :blink: The third group was by far the most difficult one and it helped me realise just how difficult I found it being around a group of women. This toddler group transported me back to secondary school. It was all bitching and competitiveness and I didn't feel comfortable at all. I always felt I was doing things 'wrong' and I always had the feeling that there was an undercurrent of what I did not know! :unsure: The weird thing of course is that I can talk to many of these women individually but it was the group dynamics that dumbfounded me :wacko:

 

Second time round I decided that I would have to think long and hard before I started another toddler group. About the time I thought my little girl would start benefitting from going to one I was lucky to get a place at a group that a friend goes to and I never went to before. Again, it's quite small and there's virtually no responsibility and with my friend being there, there's a lot less pressure to have to mix too much. It helps that my wee girl just sits and smiles at everyone too :thumbs:

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I also think the coping tactics I have learnt over the years will be viewed not as coping tactics but just that I don't have issues with things.

 

Hi Dekra

 

Good Luck with your course - you are brave going back as a mature student!

 

Whatever way you get the help you need for your course, I hope you get it :thumbs:

 

I tried to go to the local toddler group and was coping with it (just) until some helpful person thought they would try to help me fit in more by asking me to help with the snacks. It was hell. All I wanted to do was sit in the corner and let my son explore and hopefully play with other children (this was when he was first crawling so his lack of interaction with other children was put down to his not seeing other children often).

 

I did 3 toddler groups with my son. One of them, I used to wheel him in in his buggy and he'd start screaming. I felt stressed out most of the time I was there but my problem has always been not that I couldn't chat to other mums but that I would fear that they would see how stressed out I was and think I was a rubbish mum and dislike me. Now, I can look back and realise that it was probably the close proximity of the other kids to him that upset my son and possibly that the ceiling in the room was low and because of this the room was quite dim with flourescent lights - my own pet hates!!

 

One group I felt (and my son felt) quite comfortable in. It was quite a small group and there was no cliqueyness. I had to leave though because I couldn't stomach the jobsworthy attitude of the council 'Group Co-ordinator' who supposedly 'ran' the group - I knew that I would say something to her face sooner or later!? :blink: The third group was by far the most difficult one and it helped me realise just how difficult I found it being around a group of women. This toddler group transported me back to secondary school. It was all bitching and competitiveness and I didn't feel comfortable at all. I always felt I was doing things 'wrong' and I always had the feeling that there was an undercurrent of what I did not know! :unsure: The weird thing of course is that I can talk to many of these women individually but it was the group dynamics that dumbfounded me :wacko:

 

Second time round I decided that I would have to think long and hard before I started another toddler group. About the time I thought my little girl would start benefitting from going to one I was lucky to get a place at a group that a friend goes to and I never went to before. Again, it's quite small and there's virtually no responsibility and with my friend being there, there's a lot less pressure to have to mix too much. It helps that my wee girl just sits and smiles at everyone too :thumbs:

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I'm a mum with Asperger's too. I realised after having my son that I was only ever going to be able to cope with one child. I never fitted in with the other mums and only managed one visit to toddler group. Fortunately, a mum in the village with a child the same age as my son volunteered to take him so he didn't miss out. She also took him to tumble tots and to swimming. I went back to work full time when my son was 4 months old (my husband was at home during the day) and found I really enjoyed being with my son in small doses. He is now 20 and seems to have survived having me as a mum. I still get very anxious about him but obviously my life is much easier now he's a grown up and he is a great help to me, especially in social situations. I really admire AS mums with more than one child and those with children who are also on the spectrum. You are an inspiration to us all, even if it doesn't feel like it to you.

 

L x

 

I absolutely know now that 2 kids is my limit! The very limited personal space is hard, especially when it's a tough day. The way I used to cope when I was childless was to go out by myself, quite often late at night - can't really do that now! It would be daft to consider a third child when I recognise that I struggle with all the noise and the mess! In all honesty, YOU are an inspiration to me because I have no idea how I would juggle going out to work and organising my home life at the same time and definitely not with a baby! :notworthy:

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I'm a mother with AS...... i don't have any friends at all, and when my 2 were younger i tried to go to mother and toddler groups, but i would come home in tears because i was ignored. I talked to my councellor about this and she asked me if i would have liked to join in a conversation, and actually after having a good think about it, i hate small talk because i find it pointless, so wouldn't have really enjoyed it anyway. I seem to have spent most of my life like this actually, wanting interaction, but not enjoying it when it happens. I think it's due to wanting to "appear" to fit in, because when you don't, people notice, and that's when the teasing starts :(

I've come to realise that there's loads of things you can do with your kids that allow them to be around other kids but don't mean that you necessarily have to talk to anyone :thumbs:

 

I took my son to a 'gym' class where he/we did a lot of wandering about and I had the occasional chat with the staff and other mums. He got the contact with other kids but it was 'low maintenance' contact. On the other hand, I went to a music class and it was very difficult to stop my son running around the room and plinking on the piano and it was far too stressful. Soft play is great...initially it was a nightmare because he couldn't be near other kids and would scream and cry but as time has gone on and I have exposed him to it over and over again, the fun has overridden the fear - he loves the exercise and really tries to interact with other kids. Of course, I have to keep a close eye on him but I don't have to chat to anyone if I don't want to! :thumbs:

 

I suppose the thing is that most of the things mums do, they have to speak to other mums. A lot of it is 'Hi, how are you? My isn't ...... getting big? etc etc' It's all variations on a theme and I keep schtoom and watch when I'm not sure. I suppose I'm not too bad at small talk and I've always been fascinated by human interaction and studied body language and facial expressions, long before I ever believed I had AS.

Edited by Lyndalou

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I absolutely know now that 2 kids is my limit! The very limited personal space is hard, especially when it's a tough day. The way I used to cope when I was childless was to go out by myself, quite often late at night - can't really do that now! It would be daft to consider a third child when I recognise that I struggle with all the noise and the mess! In all honesty, YOU are an inspiration to me because I have no idea how I would juggle going out to work and organising my home life at the same time and definitely not with a baby! :notworthy:

 

Thank you for your lovely comment. I look back and remember how difficult it all was but I did cope (often by locking myself in the bathroom and screaming)and you will too.

 

L x

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I am a new mum with asperger, my baby boy is 6 weeks old. I feel like a total outsider going to baby group and like other aspie mums I had the assumption that having a child would open doors for me socially. I feel so ###### especiaslly going to baby group today with my husband, who is very good socially seeing him mingle while I was just sitting there clueless as what to do apart from read a book to my son. It did not help that I wanted to change my son and my husband decided to do it and tell me to sit there causing me to get really anxious and pariond. I did ask if I could do it but he said it woukld be good for me to stay and attempt to socialise. That made me feel worse as it just highlighted how different I am to everyone and i was extremely pissed off with my husband for doing that when I am already pushing myself to attend the group.

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I am a new mum with asperger, my baby boy is 6 weeks old. I feel like a total outsider going to baby group and like other aspie mums I had the assumption that having a child would open doors for me socially. I feel so ###### especiaslly going to baby group today with my husband, who is very good socially seeing him mingle while I was just sitting there clueless as what to do apart from read a book to my son. It did not help that I wanted to change my son and my husband decided to do it and tell me to sit there causing me to get really anxious and pariond. I did ask if I could do it but he said it woukld be good for me to stay and attempt to socialise. That made me feel worse as it just highlighted how different I am to everyone and i was extremely pissed off with my husband for doing that when I am already pushing myself to attend the group.

Hi ilovelife

 

Try not to be hard on yourself. A lot of mums feel 'clueless' but it's like with a lot of other things, it's not the done thing to admit to it! In person, everyone else will probably say how 'wonderful' breastfeeding is, how yes, it is so very tiring but they'd never swop the sleepless nights for anything else, etc etc. The first time round all the 'competition' hit me hard and it made me feel awful too. You're going to have hormones making your moods switch from high to low in a heartbeat for a while and because it's such a big change you need to give yourself time to get used to you being a family of three and not a couple and enjoy your lovely new baby.

 

In a nutshell, a baby, especially the first one is HARD WORK! To me, it sounds like your husband was trying to help by doing something practical to help you at the baby group. Men can feel like spare parts and may want to do something like changing the baby's nappy to feel useful. I am assuming that your hubby didn't intend to draw attention to how anxious you felt and suggested you socialise in an encouraging way but if going to the group makes you feel so uncomfortable, it might be better to give it a miss until you're more settled within yourself >:D<<'>

 

As a tip, DO NOT drip feed yourself 'Mother and Baby' magazine...I did it and if there's a surefire way to make you feel like you don't measure up it's reading all those sugar-coated articles about 'magical bonding experiences' and looking at those twinkly-eyed and perfect-hair mothers on the cover... :whistle: NetMums might be helpful if you want to get a real picture of what other new mums are experiencing although beware a few sugar-coated articles there too :whistle:

 

Take Care

 

Lynda x

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I tried Net Mums and found it a bit too " abrasive" for me.... far to many people having a dig at each other. I now post on ivillage UK and it's more friendly.

 

Nicki

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Thanks Lynn,

 

Yeah my hubby was trying to help me by encoraging social interaction but it was a to high expectation of him to but me in that situation. However, luckily me and my partener do have good communicational skills (albeit I have to be calm). I did have a good talk with him when I was calmer about how it made me feel and with the help of cpn we discussed to what extent I could push myself socially but not too much that it made me feel like I want to run away. I have planned still to go back as I really want to make an effort socially and for my son plus there is a good nursery there for Charles at a later date. I have set a little goal with the help of my cpn to ask three questions to one of the leaders regarding my son so I should be able to do that and build gradually with the support to maybe one day speak to another mum there :)

 

I struggle with mumsnet as it is way competative there and so much bitchiness but thanks for the tips guys I will have a look at Ivillage. I definately don't read mags they are so glossirised into a 'perfection' which i know is ###### and in the real world a mum can not achieve the message they are setting out! I also can not cope with all the info in parenting books and only read one parent book which suits my liking as it is week to week 'guide' and I can read little segaments each week. I do have other books but I can not cope will all the different info as it is a grey area and definately baby's are hard work - but also rewarding in so many ways as well as well as a learning element to help with my personal development.

Edited by ilovelife

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You're probably right about NetMums being bitchy and competitive but TBH I think that being around other mums in general is competitive and more so than in any workplace I've ever been in!

 

I don't really go on the forums too much but look at the articles and the local stuff. I actually found my babysitter and now friend who advertised her services on the site. She's great with the children and has a job working with autistic kids so she has a good idea of issues that can arise. :thumbs:

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Hi there. I'm a mum of two and also believe I have AS....also undiagnosed yet!!! My son also has high functioning autism. I am unsure about the youngest yet. I'm know I'm on the spectrum, there isn't a doubt about it now - having read several books and going to conferences, once you realise, you just know and then everything else you learn - especially about females with AS - just confirms that belief stronger. I think there are many issues associated with being a mother with AS really. I love being a mum, but I do find it very hard too. Anyway, just wanted to say hi :).

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I too believe I may have AS,

I have never mentioned this to anyone but my ex husband did tell me he thought I had AS.

 

The difficulty I have with this , is that I think most of us tick several of the boxes so to speak, but for me my biggest challenge has always been appropriate emotion or lack thereof. I often wonder about seeing a psychiatrist fro diagnosis but am not sure for me now there is any point.

 

Life can be very hard but I am a single mum to 4 children so would be hard for anyone I am sure?

x

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Hi I am a mum with Aspergers. This thread is why I joined the forum.

 

Isn't it strange that none of us like to socialise and avoid toddler groups, but we do somehow seek connection with others, or we wouldn't be on the forum? I agree with the person who said that she needs to feel as though she fits in, and craves acceptance, doesn't wish to be rejected. Well that's the story of my life too! I only have 2 female friends left, and I also try to work out how long i can leave it before visits. Luckily they are both really busy people. And yet, I would hate it if I lost them, just as with all the other countless friends i've upset and lost over the years. So, I always leave seeing them for as long as I can, then when i do, i go all out with home-cooked meals, gifts etc...trying to be uber normal and extra wonderful to show i care...but do i care about them or am i just doing what i learned as a teenager? -That fitting in, ultimately feels more comfortable than being completely isolated as i was in childhood? We don't want to socialize, but at the same time it feels a neccessary chore at least in small doses, if we don't want to feel absolutely shut out by the world. I still get a buzz from acting the part of a normal person and succeeding.

 

Anyway, there is a question i'd love to ask, as i've never met any adults like me before. (I'm 32). Were any of you surprised when you felt love for your child, the kind of love where you look forward to seeing them and want to hug, kiss and squeeze them? The kind of love that feels like bubbles fizzing up inside you? Wow. I had never felt quite like this before. All previous relationships with people were more more about my dependance and need i think, as i don't cope well with life, i need other people to do the bits i cant do. Only a select few, of course. Mother, and well, husband. Two then. I love him of course, couldn't last a day without him. Feel sorry for him sometimes as I know he could have someone simpler and able to love him better, but although he misses out by being with me, i could never let him go. My baby though, finally taught me how to show affection. Now i understand why people kiss eachother, why people hug... a rather stange thing to learn at my age i suppose? Did anyone else feel this?

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Wow, wow, wow. It's been so weird reading all these messages, almost all could have been written by me! I too did the NCT thing and have managed to retain some friendships (I have 3yr old and 6month old). It's not been easy though, I avoid their arranged 'girls nights out' using the fact that my husband works nights and I don't have a convenient babysitter as my excuse. I like doing things with them that involve our kids because the children are a natural 'topic' and very good diversion. I can look at my children as I 'chat' to avoid having to make eye contact, pretending I'm keeping watch on them! lol One woman from the group seems to have 'sussed me out' though and although I don't think she means to, she is avoiding me. She'll call off arranged trips out when it looks like we'll be the only mums there and I'm often the last she'll speak to. When we all started having 2nd round kids, she would visit everyone at home shortly after their babies were born, she's still not been round here to visit us (don't think she will). She's not deliberately nasty, it's just very apparent she's not comfortable with me, where she is with everyone else.

 

To complicate matters, my husband and I have had problems for years and been seeing a marriage guidance counsellor for over a year. My husband realised he has aspergers about a month ago (can't believe we didn't pick up on it before) and as we've done more reading, I see more and more of the traits in myself, though I keep doing the AQ test and only score about 22, so wouldn't be given a diagnosis (I don't think). But so much of all of this rings true for me. My eldest child seems to also be showing some traits. I made so much effort for my first child, taking her to toddler groups, swimming, music, baby gyms, playbarns, etc, and she started off with great social skills, but is going backwards now. I realise now with my 2nd child, I'm reluctant to go do all the same activities (to be honest, the only reason I did them first time round was my desperation to stay 'friends' with my new NCT buddies, and they were the ones to organise all these regular activities. I didn't want to miss out). But I'm afraid my little boy isn't getting the same opportunities to learn interaction with others that my first child had. I need to make myself do some, but I'm pretty terrified of it all. I did go to a local toddler group about 3 times, but just sat there on my own, trying to make small talk with people near me and it seemed no-one really wanted to interact, they were all in groups of 2 or 3 and chatting themselves. It was so awkward, I just drank up my tea as fast as I could, played with my little boy on the mat for a while and got the heck out of there!!!

 

Some days I just want to cry and cry and cry. It's all too much. Recently, we've been focusing on my husband's very likely AS and I feel a bit of a fraud saying that I think I might also have AS, like I'm just jumping on his 'band wagon'. I'm also terrified of the affect it'll have on my relationship with my family (they live quite far from me, we don't see each other often, and are quite a 'keeping up with the Joneses' sort of bunch, so this wouldn't go down at all well. THink they'd just roll their eyes and pretend they hadn't had the conversation with me. Burying heads and keeping up appearances is order of the day).

 

Sorry for rambling on. It's just getting on top of me. Maybe it's a blessing both my husband and I have AS? Maybe that's why we've been drawn to each other? Maybe we can make this thing work? BUt I'm very afraid for our children, how can we avoid them having to live with this anxiety, etc?

 

I'm so glad to have found this forum. Finally a safe place to be real.

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Anyway, there is a question i'd love to ask, as i've never met any adults like me before. (I'm 32). Were any of you surprised when you felt love for your child, the kind of love where you look forward to seeing them and want to hug, kiss and squeeze them? The kind of love that feels like bubbles fizzing up inside you? Wow. I had never felt quite like this before. All previous relationships with people were more more about my dependance and need i think, as i don't cope well with life, i need other people to do the bits i cant do. Only a select few, of course. Mother, and well, husband. Two then. I love him of course, couldn't last a day without him. Feel sorry for him sometimes as I know he could have someone simpler and able to love him better, but although he misses out by being with me, i could never let him go. My baby though, finally taught me how to show affection. Now i understand why people kiss eachother, why people hug... a rather stange thing to learn at my age i suppose? Did anyone else feel this?

 

Oh, and Merry, to answer your question... YES!!!!!! I have never experienced anything like the overwhelming emotions I experienced when I had my first child. Everything (and everyone) else paled into insignificance, nothing like it!!! I was worried when pregnant with my 2nd child that I wouldn't be able to love him as much as my first child - but I do, it's weird, just a huge big thing of feeling, like it could explode out of me any time. They're my whole existence, and I too devote all my obsessional energy into trying to 'get it absolutely right' for them, every minute of every day. I'm now trying to undo some of my 'routine fixatedness' for my eldest and help her be ok with change (challenging to say the very least!!!). I catch myself saying things to her that really I need to say to myself, like 'oh, that's ok, everyone makes mistakes' and using the term 'good enough' rather than 'perfect'... all that sort of stuff I've read in books about overcoming OCD (I'm so OCD it's ridiculous!!!). Good luck to you too and enjoy all this love :-) xx

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Hi Merry and NorfolkMummy

 

Nice to read your stories! It's all so bloomin' difficult isn't it but you just have to keep chugging on for the sake of the family and for the kids... When I nearly ended up in hospital last year, literally begging the GP to put me in, the only thing that I think pulled me back from the very brink was when she said to me 'What about your little girl? What about your baby?' as I sat wailing at her with my little 6 month old sitting in my lap.

 

You've simply just got to find a way through. Otherwise, you'd go completely bonkers!

 

I love my kids so much. That doesn't mean to say that I don't find it really hard going and I don't act with them the way I 'should' at times and know it and feel guilty about it. I'm determined like you NM not to lay on my kids the things that were laid on me and I laid on myself but it's so easy to fall into that trap.

 

Part of the way I want to teach my kids though, my son especially, is to teach them that things do not just fall into their laps. Sometimes, sheer hard work (and I mean within this learning to cope with people and situations they find hard and learning to cope with sensory issues) is the only means to live a 'normal' life, certainly in my experience. I just looked up there to hear on 'This Morning' someone commenting that they would rather mollycoddle their kids rather than put them in danger...No! sometimes learning means having to learn how to overcome difficulty (I'll maybe put this in place of danger). I read a very interesting article recently that children are growing up unable to cope simply because they've been given everything they wanted, when they wanted it and they have been constantly supervised by adults. I would tend to agree with the sentiments of that article!

 

I know my take on things seem to fly in the face of what every parent does these days. It is hard to admit that your type of 'Love' doesn't fit with the 'norm' but I stand by it.

 

I hope things start to get better for you soon NM. It WILL get better.

 

Lynda :)

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Hi All

 

Been reading your posts and relating to so much that you say. I have a 9-year-old who hasn't had the problems I did as a child and appears to be neurotypical but have just been diagnosed with AS myself. One of the hardest challenges for me - one of the reasons I sought a diagnosis - is that I have to deal, day after day, with other mothers, all the time trying to behave like I'm one of them so as not to trip myself up and make them uncomfortable, and feeling distraught at those inevitable instances when I fail - when my 'weird' shows. I'm OK with friends, OK with people with whom I have a purely functional relationship - doctors, solicitors, estate agents, waiters etc - but this 'in-between' stuff does my head in: it's what used to make jobs and flatshares so difficult for me. If it were purely up to me, I would simply avoid engaging with people in this way, but with an only child who's keen to fit in and have playdates, that isn't an option. Were it not for my son, I would probably also disclose the diagnosis pretty widely, but as I'm his mother, I worry about the effect this would have on his life. Rightly or wrongly, it matters to him to fit in. And the other day, quite coincidentally, we had the following conversation:

We are walking home from school. I have burst into song.

Son: Sssssh! Don't sing in the street!

Me: So am I not allowed to sing, then?

Son: No. Well you can sing at home, but not in public.

Me: Why not?

Son: Because people will think you're weird.

Me: But I am weird.

Son: But you don't want people to think you're weird, and besides, if you're weird, then I'm weird, because I came from you, and I don't like people saying I'm weird.

 

Has anyone else had this kind of dilemma? I'd be interested to know if you did and how you tackled it. Thanks.

Edited by Joanne2

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Joanne it must be so difficult to know what to do or say for the best. I haven't really thought yet about what i'll tell my little one when she's older, she's still a baby. You would think it should be as easy as embracing our strangeness and expecting the world to accept us that way...i've always noticed that people who are really super-confident, can get away with being any way they like. People don't question those types. But if you're not so confident and a little different, it seems to stand out more and people view our types more negatively. That's really hard, because I personally, would love to stand up and show the world i'm proud of who I am, and show my little one that whoever she turns out to be, it's okay. I want her to grow up and have confidence in who she is, and who her family are, without ever wishing to change it. What do you do when a child starts wanting to fit in? How can you teach them to embrace differences instead and show the world their unique personality? (If you can't have the confidence or social ability to do it by example?) Well that's a dilema every parent in our situation will face at some point i suppose.

I'm sorry Joanne I don't know what I would/will do in that situation. I can only sympathise.

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Thank you for your lovely comment. I look back and remember how difficult it all was but I did cope (often by locking myself in the bathroom and screaming)and you will too.

 

L x

currently screaming inside my head. it is soundproof in there lol.

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i am worried slightly since i realised i had as, my son 7 is as and my daughter is milder than mine and my sons. i think it runs in all our families. im concerned i will have to deal with professionals if i am diagnosed in concern with my kids. i had cafcass report during the split with my sons dad, who is hfa, or as well "displays traits" as a no professional could say. i have been assed throughly at home with both children by two diffrent professionals, one with an understanding of asbergers. they said i was a very good mum and the headmaster said i my children presented well and i was not considered vunerable. so i think some support in the community as i have no support network (DV background) however people can use it as an excuse to feel they have an important job to do espcially i rub people the wrong way sometimes. i could really do with some support. because i am knackered and things irritate me but i learn to cope with the pain. it is physical pain such as migranes sinus and tempreture changes ect and intestine problems and all sort which can all be put down to common effects of asbergers. its so simple now i know. i wont go into detail.i can easily. omg though i cant stop giggling at myself since i admitted it really. its to funny it all makes sense. and this is common?

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i am a mum to a son who is 19 years old he is at university. I am 43 years old and i have Aspergers . I got my diagnosis last October 2014. When my son was born i found it very difficult especially as he was two months premature and he was very ill and in a incubator. I got diagnosed with post natal depression within four days of him being born. I was put in ward with other mums and their babies whilst my son was in special care. That was cruel babies crying all night and i was crying too . I had a bossy midwife who tried to teach me breastfeeding, while she did not get it how she was treating me . My son was too small . I gave up breastfeeding i felt such a failure. My husband stopped loving me my depression got worse. I could not cope with the change of routine my son crying and no affection from my husband. I have never felt so alone in my life. When it was time to wean him onto solid food i took it literarely . Even though i had a traumatic birth i bonded with my son. A few years later my marriage ended and i moved from my home to Birmingham. There again was painful no home of my own living with my mum and my son for two years. Back again adjusting to more change. After two years me and my son moved into a council massionete which i still live in. I did not know i had Aspergers and ocd also Dylsexia i did this as a single parent to my son. I could not give up i asked a Pschylolist in October 2009 if i had Autism and she said no because i communicated well. Five years in October 2014 i had a assessment with a Physcatrisit who said i did have Aspergers syndrome a ASD and OCD and that i needed my antipressants changed and treatment for my sleep and anxiety. In the September of 2914 my son started University it was very hard for me my life had been for him. Then i got the diagnosis and i fell apart. He is in his second year of university and he is doing brillantly .I am so proud of him but my mental health has worsened again so having having another assesement and hopefully a proper mental health diagnosis. I still carry on with all the sewing and craft work that gives me a purpose and i am there for my son if he needs me. Its my time now to get the healing i deserve and build my life.

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My mum is in denial of her aspergers. She has anxiety which can turn to anger very quickly. Also obsessed with money and "getting people organised" as she calls it.

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