Explaining to the family

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

My son (almost 12) was diagnosed as AS last week.

 

We live in France, but are coming over to Uk next week to visit the family. My parents in particular, have already told us we have been too soft with our boys. We have gone to the expense of booking a hotel in the hope of things being a bit less stressful, but I am really worried about W having a meltdown. My father is of the opinion that a good slap is what he needs. I have tried to explain his situation by phone, and my mother sort of understands, but I feel she still thinks it is caused by our parenting.

 

My mother in law is very elderly, so I imagine she won't even notice.

 

Does anyone else have any advice for dealing with family? I think only seeing them a couple of times a year also makes it difficult as they aren't really used to seeing each other.

 

Di

[Sammysnake]

I used a little paperback book called:

 

'Can I Tell You About Asperger Syndrome?: A Guide for Friends and Family' by Jude Welton and Jane Telford

 

It's less than £6.00 from Amazon and is short and simple, written from the point of view of a young lad around your boy's age explaining how his AS affects him and the simple steps people around him can take to help. My daughter and I read it together straight after her diagnosis and it made it really easy for us to discuss things and both lots of grandparents found it very useful.

 

My husband didn't want to read it but after some time he came to accept the diagnosis too. Beforehand he used to pretty much accuse me of causing her issues by being too soft on her (a bit like your dad). It's common for some family members to take longer to come to terms with news like this so don't worry if attitudes don't change straight away - it doesn't mean they might not in the future. The other point is that parents often have differing opinions to their children about how grandkids should be raised, irrespective of whether they have a SEN or not. By all means give your parents the info they want or needs about AS but in the end it comes down to you to choose what advise to listen to and how to parent.

 

Good luck, hope the trip to the UK is successful and you have some fun too .

 

Sam

[Dijac]

Hi Sam,

 

Thanks for your reply. W has been very stressed today - he hates travelling, and sometimes gets sick in the car or on the ferry. We are hoping that once we are on our way, he will settle down.

I will have to order that book for him, more than for the family.

[puffin]

I sent my family this link - called "Especially for Grandparents"

http://asdrendrewolf.org/apovonautism/letter.php

[Enid]

Puffin thats a great link, not just for granparents but for all family members. thanks for that. x

[Sammysnake]

I agree, great link puffin. I've just sent it on to a friend whose little boy has just been diagnosed. She's certainly been hearing the old - 'you don't discipline him enough and if I had him for 5 minutes he'd be a different child' bit from people around her. Hopefully this will help.

[Dijac]

Hi,

 

Well we survived. He was actually pretty calm for a lot of the time, although he did have a few meltdowns. So I did get the usual 'you're too soft with him' lecture. That was the morning we were leaving - so good time to go.

 

Thnaks for the website - I have just sent it to my Mum.

 

Diane

[mugglemum]

great link - thankyou

[squizz]

my nan never understood my son, she told me he was from bad stock and needed disipline, she died before his diagnosis but i hated that she never understood him.

[31770]

I've had similar problems with the family. I'm 24 and have recently received the same diagnosis. My cousing and his partner (my best male and female friend respectively) have stated that there is no way that the pyschologist is correct and that my parents are just horrible people. For the record my parents weren't exactly the best in that they tended to view my sister and I as battle currency but I spent most of my childhood with my grandad and consider my childhood to have been pretty good in respect of parental influence.

 

I suppose what I'm getting at is that family members can be very closed minded at times and the important thing isn't to waste time on changing their opinions simply to make sure that their opinions don't govern how you handle the situation.