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MarnieW

He AS/ me NT - HELP

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I am 43 years old and I live with my partner, aged 48. We first met approximately 20 years ago, had a relationship for 5 years before going our separate ways but after 5 years apart, we got back together. That was approx. 11 years ago.

 

Two years ago, my partner asked me to move in with him. Our relationship over the years had been fun, it was not long before I fell madly in love with him and I felt that to be living together would be the icing on the cake for me. I told my daughter, rented my home out and moved in with him. That was the exciting bit.

 

Just before moving in together, I was made redundant. I received a fairly good severance but, due to my partner having credit card debts, the money soon ran out. I felt that as we were now together we had to help each other and in the beginning I did not have a problem with the arrangements. It was only when speaking to him about contacting a debt counsellor and/or his creditors, that I first saw the first signs of anxiety in him. It was a little odd, watching the panic in him as he went over in his mind the things I suggested he say in a telephone call, he became very anxious, even to the extent of snapping at me which I felt was a complete over-reaction to the situation. To watch a fully grown man tie himself in knots over this was mystifying.

 

It was about 3 months after we moved in together that I began to question his mental state furthe. We had spoken about compromise before I moved into his place, about his making dinner when he is off work, basically sharing everything, going out etc. I can honestly say that in the time I have been here, he has made dinner on only two occasions. When I suggest that I take a day off on my birthday or Mothers’ Day, he says things like “That’s ok, we can get KFC”.

 

Another occasion that comes to mind, quite sadly – was our first Christmas here. My parents, happy at last that their daughter had finally settled down, came for dinner – as did my partner’s brother. I am sad to say however that that Christmas was the worst one I can recall in my whole life.

 

In the morning before my parents were due, my partner decided that that was the time for the whole house to be vacuumed and told my daughter to begin work. I am far from work-shy but I had to draw the line at housework on Christmas day! My partner then spent the whole day sulking, casting dirty looks at my daughter, making snide remarks etc. The day was ruined. What struck me the most was his inability to see how daft he looked glaring at my daughter from across the room. My parents later told me that it was their worst Christmas ever. My daughter at the time had just turned 14, but to see her at the wrath of a man – something she had never seen before as he did not interact with her beforehand, was painful for me. I could not understand how an adult could behave that way, let alone towards the daughter of the woman he loved and in front of my family and his brother.

 

I should add that I am intelligent, intellectual person with an interest in psychology and human behaviour. I have a degree in law, a counselling diploma and have spent years trying to figure people out whilst also trying to understand myself. I began to feel that there was more to my partner’s behaviour.

 

His lack of social etiquette was even more shocking even to the extent that, after our Christmas meal, he suggested to my parents that they use our bedroom to work off some food and make room for dessert! He laughed and seemed oblivious to the fact that no one else was. On a few occasions since, he has made sexual references in conversations with my parents, so much so, my sister told him it was not appropriate to do so – this was at another family Christmas, yet just last week he did it again – I was so embarrassed. I cannot understand why when told, he acknowledges what was said, yet does the very same irritable thing again.

 

This relationship feels one sided – as long as his dinner is cooked, clothes washed, house cleaned, etc he is ok. But there is a complete lack of understanding of my needs (can you believe that we have not had an evening out or a holiday despite all the words (I use the term ‘words’ rather than promises as it is clear to me that he does not recall everything he says), but to be honest at this stage, I would not feel comfortable going anywhere with him socially.

 

At times I feel he is getting worse. My daughter, now nearly 15, tolerates him. This is not what I wanted nor expected in a relationship. My partner cannot communicate with her other than to chastise her for not doing something or for doing something but not to his standards, yet he at times exhibits a very slothful attitude, preferring to lie around in bed all day, but criticising anyone else who chooses to do the same. That reminds me, if it is not me or my daughter he is criticising, he manages to criticise practically everyone on TV which takes away the enjoyment and deeply annoys me.

 

His children do not come over and his family tolerate him.

 

To say I am disappointed would be an understatement – I have loved this man for years, I always thought he was a good listener, but did not realise that these problems would make me consider leaving him. I hate to see the look my daughter gives him, I hate the way he speaks to her (and he uses such horrible language towards her I wouldn’t dare write it) and I hate the way he makes me feel. I also hate the fact that at last I am with a man I love but who is emotionally or mentally unable to understand what is wrong and the part he plays in this relationship. Everything he says begins with “As long as I am happy ….”; no consideration given to my happiness at all.

 

I cry every other day at the lack of emotional support I have at the moment. Attempts to discuss this with him have at times been acknowledged, but he flies off the handle and it makes it more difficult. He has a problem understanding my teenage daughter and often criticises my parenting skills saying how soft I have been with her (he thinks she is lazy because she doesn’t act the way his parents taught him to) yet my daughter is a beautiful, typical teenage girl and we have a good relationship. The only thing I am happy about is that I played a huge part in the development of her self-esteem and have also educated her to some extent on the effects of aspergers on an individual and his negativity towards her has not, as far as she tellsd me, had a huge impact as I am aware of the damage repetitive negative messages can have on adults.

 

I am fed up of stepping on egg shells around him, tired of repeating myself. Even up until last night as he had spent the day moaning that my daughter hadn’t done any housework, even though the house is spotless, I said that I felt he could not communicate with her properly, always chastising her, which he then tried to justify by saying “she should take pride in her environment”, this morning before even saying “morning” (she had a friend staying over), he knocked her bedroom door to tell her to wash up even though she had not surfaced and it was our breakfast things in the sink!

 

Im tired. I feel cursed when it comes to relationships; I loved one man for 7 years before he physically abused me, but I left him and he went to prison. The second man, my daughter’s father, left me after 13 years, when I was pregnant and now this – to have been in love with a man for nearly 10 years, move in with him, only to learn he has aspergers.

 

I thought if he loved me, he would see the pain and if he couldn’t feel it, he would hear my anguish.

 

I don’t know what to do – I am depressed, suicidal, lonely and in a great deal of pain which the man I love cannot or will not even try to understand. At times I want to go – I cannot see what I am gaining out of this relationship and if that’s the case consider it best to live alone. At other times, I know he cannot help some of his behaviour, but my attempts to guide him cause him to flare up, what I say is ignored and his behaviour is repeated again. It is the yoyo effect that it getting to me the most.

 

I now have a good job and with it a lot of responsibility. At times I feel as though I had two children. We had plans to get a new car, bathroom, holiday etc, but I cannot even plan for tomorrow when I feel so depressed; I always feel that for one step forward, he says or does something which makes us take two steps back. I tell him this but nothing changes and I have to repeat myself. We are going around in circles.

Apologies for the rather long blog, but as you can see, I am in a great deal of pain and do not know where to turn. I love him but hate the way he treats my daughter - gladly she has other more able male role models such as her grandfathers and knows my partner has an underlying condition.

 

Would appreciate some thoughts on this.

 

mx

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to have been in love with a man for nearly 10 years, move in with him, only to learn he has aspergers.

Why did he wait ten years before telling you he had been diagnosed with AS? :unsure:

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Why did he wait ten years before telling you he had been diagnosed with AS? :unsure:

sorry, i should have said, he has not had a professional diagnosis - his GP told me he would have to be willing to undergo an assessment - which he is not - the diagnosis is based on my knowledge, his behaviour, family history (autistic nephew) and my completing a few AS tests on his behalf (168/200).

 

m

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Hi Marnie -

 

Do you not think it's kind of insulting to come onto a forum for autistic people with a list of things you don't like about your partner and to say that you've casually diagnosed him as autistic on the basis of those negative traits? Could he not, putting it bluntly, just be a bit of an A-hole? There are lots of them about, you know, and lots of men on the spectrum who aren't a-holes too!

 

Could his relationship with your fourteen year old daughter not be a simple case of him having bitten off more than he can chew? Could his inappropriate sexual innuendo etc just be a rather embarrassing personality trait, or are people like Bernard Manning, Jimmy Carr, Jim Davidson, Roy 'Chubby' Brown, Les Dawson, Bobby Davro etc etc etc etc all undiagnosed Aspergers too? Couldn't his prefernece for KFC rather than cooking be either laziness, a disinclination for cooking, or a liking for KFC? Couldn't his preference for lazing in bed rather than leaping out and grabbing the day by the horns be just that - a preference for lazing in bed?

 

Were there no clues as to what a horrible, lazy, thoughtless, childish, rude, embarrassing man he was in the preceeding 10 - 20 years? If not, it really does argue against Aspergers, because it's unlikely he'd have been able to keep up such an elaborate pretense.

 

I'm sorry if that sounds blunt, and I really do appreciate that you may be feeling angry and upset at having thrown your lot in with someone you've very quickly come to realise doesn't measure up to your expectations... But to casually diagnose him with autism because you think it explains everything negative about him really is insulting - I'd go so far as to say 'prejudicial - towards autistic people, and to have widened that to 'educate' your daughter with exactly the same prejudices and assumptions regarding autism adds insult to injury.

 

What you have described is a selfish, thoughtless, inconsiderate, lazy man - not someone with autism. I'll not challenge your opinion of him other than to say that it is, obviously, an entirely subjective one and that I couldn't possibly make any assumptions about how accurate it may or may not be, but that the things you are complaining about are precisely the kinds of things that most women complain about most men about, and that most men have similar generalised observations about women's behaviours. I'm sure you're counselling qualifications will have provide you with exactly the same understanding of the different perspectives men and women tend to have of relationships and gender psychology.

 

I wish you well in your relationship, or if you so choose in your escape from it, but I think rather than identifying your partner as someone with 'AS' you should just accept that what you've got wasn't what you thought you were getting, and if he is unwilling or unable to be what you want him to be then your diagnose - whether accurate or otherwise - is pretty much a moot point.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited by baddad

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Hi Marnie,

 

You are clearly very unhappy, so I don't wish to appear unsympathetic, but I don't understand two things...

 

Firstly, I think it is very unwise to 'home diagnose' another adult, for a great many reasons, not least because you are not a professional in adult dx, and also because there is the danger of transference IMO.

 

And secondly, I really, really don't understand why these problems have only become apparent to you relatively recently, if you have known this man for so many years?

 

Anyway, I do hope you can find a positive way forward for yourself and your daughter.

 

Bid :)

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Thanks all for comments;

 

appreciated, and altho admittedly I have known him for a long time, living apart from someone, you do not see their foibles straight away. we did not live together. I saw only the nice side of him as he worked shifts. I was going to post this last year but didnt, as I needed to be sure. I would still be typing if I were to list all the negatives traits but amongst other things would most people not find it odd that someone has no problem shouting and swearing up the street at his teenage nephew and niece. I am even asked if he has mental health problems - basically, it appears that without diagnosis no assistance.

 

by the way, he cannot manage finances, shopping, cooking or cleaning and has said he'd top himself if i left. he is nearly 50 for gods sake - tell me, do 50 yo men act this way? oh well, this may not be the right forum .... ?

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I think the problem is that you assume all those negative things must be due to AS...

 

Well, I have a formal NHS dx of AS from a specialist adult team, and I can honestly say I don't do any of the things you describe! And neither does my adult son, who has had a formal NHS dx since he was 7.

 

To be completely honest, the behaviour you describe could be due to lots of other things. For example, we used to live in the roughest road in our town, and screaming and swearing in the street appeared to be a perfectly acceptable part of 'normal' behaviour there...

 

I can see you are very unhappy, and indeed I agree your partner's behaviour is not acceptable...but I don't see particularly exclusive autistic behaviour in what you describe.

 

Very best,

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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by the way, he cannot manage finances, shopping, cooking or cleaning and has said he'd top himself if i left. he is nearly 50 for gods sake - tell me, do 50 yo men act this way? oh well, this may not be the right forum .... ?

 

How did he cope before you moved in, did he live alone before? You say that he never cooks now you are living with him and he's only cooked two meals, how did he manage with cooking and taking care of himself before you moved in with him? Did he always eat takeaways or did he actually do some cooking for himself before you lived with him? Why have you taken over all of the cooking duties?

 

It sounds as if you are not getting much from the relationship and your daughter certainly isn't. If it was me and a man was making me feel that bad and that unhappy, I'd move out, but you must obviously do what is best for you and your daughter. I'd certainly be doing less for him and getting him to do more, after all, it is his house, by the sounds of it, so why does he expect your daughter to clean it for him?! Who cleaned it before she moved in?

 

~ Mel ~

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Thanks all for comments;

 

appreciated, and altho admittedly I have known him for a long time, living apart from someone, you do not see their foibles straight away. we did not live together. I saw only the nice side of him as he worked shifts. I was going to post this last year but didnt, as I needed to be sure. I would still be typing if I were to list all the negatives traits but amongst other things would most people not find it odd that someone has no problem shouting and swearing up the street at his teenage nephew and niece. I am even asked if he has mental health problems - basically, it appears that without diagnosis no assistance.

 

by the way, he cannot manage finances, shopping, cooking or cleaning and has said he'd top himself if i left. he is nearly 50 for gods sake - tell me, do 50 yo men act this way? oh well, this may not be the right forum .... ?

 

 

do 50 yo men act this way?

 

Some do. Obviously you've got one of them. Who asks if he has mental health problems? What prompts their asking? How do you reply? For twenty years he managed to conceal his 'non-nice' side, 10 of them while you were in a relationship? Perhaps you should be asking why he no longer feels the need to conceal his 'non-nice' side, and if insisting on looking for an 'autistic' explanation for his bahaviours ask if it would be likely or even possible for an autistic person to manage such duplicity over such a prologed period, especially if holding down a job, a home, and all of the other responsibilities it would be necessary to present a 'nice side' for.

FYI - a fifty year old man actively seeking and getting a dx would get pretty much the same level of assistance - I.E. none. But that's not actually what you are talking about here... What you're talking about is nobody agreeing to offer you assistance on the basis of a home diagnosis and series of assumptions you have made and that he refutes. Quite rightly, nobody is offering you any support whatsoever in trying to pigeonhole and label him with a diagnosis and disability he doesn't feel he has, and that if he does have he's successfully negotiated (or at least not unsuccessfully, other than in your eyes and the eyes of others who are willing to judge him on your say so) for fifty years. Would you feel it was reasonable if he suddenly decided that you were, say, neurotic, or psychotic or something for doctors or services to intervene and treat you purely on his say so?

 

It is clear, as others have said, that you are unhappy, and based on what you've said that your relationship is a very unequal one. Based on those things, irrespective of any whys or wherefores regarding autism you have a right to express your unhappiness and to see if he'll help repair the relationship. If he won't, then you have to make your choice as to whether you stay miserably put and put up with it or ship out and seek happiness elsewhere. As for him 'topping himself' if you left it's obviously his choice whether to work with you to repair the relationship or to let you ship out and seek happiness elsewhere, and if he having made that choice then choses to follow through on that rather weak and weedy piece of emotional blackmail that's his chjoice too. My guess is he wouldn't - he hasn't got to fifty by literally cutting his nose off to spite his face, no matter how capable he might be of doing it metaphorically.

 

L&P

 

BD

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I hate to see the look my daughter gives him, I hate the way he speaks to her (and he uses such horrible language towards her I wouldn’t dare write it)

 

Your first responsibility is to your daughter is it not? It sounds from this and the other things you have written that it is a pretty abusive and damaging relationship for her. In teaching her that it's OK for a man to behave like this and she must just put up with it you are setting her up for her very own dysfunctional relationship later on in life.

 

You're an adult and can make your own choices about the relationship you've entered into - your daughter cannot. To be honest, I'm pretty amazed you're still with this man you're not even financially dependent on - and just letting this happen to your daughter at a vulnerable stage in her development. :unsure: When are you going to make a stand or is your love for this man worth sacrificing every last shred of your daughter's self worth for?

 

K x

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Your first responsibility is to your daughter is it not? It sounds from this and the other things you have written that it is a pretty abusive and damaging relationship for her. In teaching her that it's OK for a man to behave like this and she must just put up with it you are setting her up for her very own dysfunctional relationship later on in life.

 

You're an adult and can make your own choices about the relationship you've entered into - your daughter cannot. To be honest, I'm pretty amazed you're still with this man you're not even financially dependent on - and just letting this happen to your daughter at a vulnerable stage in her development. :unsure: When are you going to make a stand or is your love for this man worth sacrificing every last shred of your daughter's self worth for?

 

K x

 

Very, very true :(

 

Bid :)

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.... just to add that my sister's husband is an arrogant, lazy, selfish bloke and he's nearing 60 now. She was away for two weeks and during that time he didn't wash up a single cup or saucer or plate. He used up the entire kitchen full of crockery and, when he'd run out of clean bowls to eat his cereal from, he ate it from the measuring jug, the saucepans and the mixing bowl and then they were all added to the pile to be washed up, presumably either by the washing up fairy or my sister on her return! He isn't autistic though, just a lazy, arrogant pig!

 

~ Mel ~

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Im sorry but I cant stop laughing at Mels post. Funny things are often close to the bone?... but seriously I really wouldnt like to be in that guys shoes! (gtg...washning up!)

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