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Relationship Successes

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Relationship success is one thread which is GLARINGLY absent. Do we have anything positive about relationships and perhaps aiming at tips for others?

 

This is a site challenge! I was totally naive about my condition a few days ago. Nothing has beaten me down in my life but with relationships for nearly sixty years Ive been like a beetle trying to climb a glass jar...nearly made it that time etc. I dont want younger adults to have to be here too? So lets sort it out...whats worked for you?

 

Or what didnt work but looked hopeful nevertheless?

 

...a stroll into the positive?

 

 

 

I cant see what I can offer myself but I want to work at it after Debs thread 'relationship problems'.

That was so good (? 'real')that Ive finally dived into trying to find myself a celibate relationship. This is just me, but celibacy here is not so much an age thing (59),as a hunch that celibate friends/partner might work.

 

Im just touring the dating site opportunities at the moment I might have something on that soon. But what has quickly come tolight is that I dont KNOW much about why my relationships come to pieces.

 

Theres a sort of blankness...blindness could be the word...but its also a pressure in the head which happens when important stuff is being missed (Ive never been able to not go down with it though) And a vortex and paranoia And on that...stupidity!...a few times over... another relationship comes apart in acrimony.

In my case as you can see 'whats happening' at such times is work in progress but I dont need finish it before asking here about how we get relationships to work.

 

Do we need them? YES WE DO!!!! I have been so solitary and it is very unlikely to be anyones best way I promise! All one is looking at out there is oblivion (you can either push it a bit more...or live to another day but either way its coming) Is that a life? (Is that a life ...on its own?)

 

For me its not in finding how yet more equipment works (like...what do you need to know! ) but finding how to work a relationship. Simply if 'relationships' were equipment... a problem putting on cross-country skis maybe... then long ago Id have stopped faffing or frozen to death. Id have got on my radio, described the problem...and then I would fix it. Lol.

Edited by mark2

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I think the success (or otherwise) of all relationships come down to matching expectatons with reality!

 

Therefore, it is just a matter of ensuring any prospective partners unserstand and want what you can offer. An ASD adult has a lot going for them: They will usualy be loyal, reliable, dependable etc.... They are unlikely to be spontaneous, romantic or the life and soul of the party.

 

My brother (undiagnosed, but major ASD tendancies throughout his childhood & adulthood) is married and they certainly seem very happy together. Admittedly, he met her on the internet, and they "knew" each other virtually for years before they thought about actually meeting up :rolleyes: They eventually wandered off to get married, but failed to mention the fact to any of the fmilies - even my mum, who they were living with at the ime :wallbash: But they have been through good times and bad, redundancy & changing jobs, family bereavement, studying and exams, and even buying a house and are still togethr and look as secue as any relationship cn from the outside.

 

They live quite separate lives - she goes out with her friends to new restuarants, pubs & clubs, he goes out to the same pub on the same day each week with his :lol: But they do stuff together too, and obviously, eat, sleep & holiday together...

 

I asked her what she sees in him (she's ten years younger than him, pretty, clever.....). She pointed out that she'd got a heslthy bloke, with n baggage, who had a job and worked hard. she didn't need to worry about him leaving her or getting uneccessarily jealous. They couold just live their lives happily without any of the emotional rubbish that interferes with everyone else's relatinship ;)

 

I reckon they have a much happier life than us NT's - with all our agonising and worrying and empathising with situations that don't even exist in reality :lol:

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Oh thats fantastic Kez. 'matching expectations with reality' ...so was your brother able to accuratly present his difficulties to his gf? ...online that would be I suppose. I guess he must have been.

Myself I am so jealous there because my parents didnt tell me a thing in my youth...ever actually!... (which was probably more than common in my day). It was probably so I didnt feel stigmatised but that really didnt help me because then I couldnt explain myself properly. I remember 'something' going on while I was growing up...some fuss about me that I wasnt party to, and I remember being hypnotised by a leading london consultant at one point. But I was told absolutely nothing. So I had poor self awareness and ability to accuratly present myself it seems. It checks...my big relationship broke up for my percieved 'lack of ambition'! It was like she had been mis-sold...which she had in a way!

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You've got to remember that non-autistic people also have relationship difficulties and their own quirks that their partner doesn't always find easy to cope with. Very few people live happily ever after with their first love, so most people are going to experience the breakdown of several relationships before they find the one that lasts.

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Hi Tally, Lol at you sticking yr tongue out...you should try to write looking at that!

 

Yes I guess the fact everyone has relationship problems will be a good reminder for people with an ASD dx. Its a comfort that everyone else has problems too.

 

But for people like me WITHOUT a dx its not really possible anyway to forget that NTs have relationship problems. Thats 'the place Ive been living' as it were. Babylon!

 

But, whatever, I am statisically very common I keep my coal in the bath

:wacko:

I mean I am the standard single person with unknown relationship problems. Masses of us nowadays will live alone and just wont, quote, 'meet the one that lasts' Thats what I was saying about the wonky ski earlier ...if you cant fix it now...so when will you.

 

Quirks? Could be. Almost certainly that will be a proportion of us...you only have to meet ppl with breath that will fell an ox and possibly dont know about brushing their back tongue as well as their teeth. But theres not that many.

 

But mind blindness is a differnt category to a quirk isnt it. And if you then dont understand what you are...to present yourself to the other.... then there will not be a safe contract as it were. So the relationship is structurally faulted at the start....because its voiding what Kez is putting down as the primary rule.

 

Lets take the young woman I mention above? Because I couldnt even mention that I score high for autism (I didnt know) she will have thought its was a reasonable proposition that she could take me on, present with child after a bit, changbe my behaviouir and enthuse me to ambition to suit her future life-view. Im an amiable guy so thats a reasonable guess perhaps but using Kez' formula...which sounds like emminent sense to me... given mind-blindness thats not going to work and this youing woman's feeling over the years will be of pulling her hair out because whatever she tries hes loving his family ok but sticking with his habits and not playing the social-advancement game as well as she could do on her own. It would be like her trying to push wet mud uphill! The conclusion is inevitable. End of relationship number one. Thats not quirks really is it?

 

The difference between Kez' bro and me is we have the same problem but he knew he was on the spectrum(I would guess)...or somehow his partner did...there was a realistic proposition which she accepted.

Whereas friends said to me, let it go, you are the most unsuited couple weve ever met. I could hear that but how would I know for myself? Im mind blind...and blind to being mind blind! #

But hey luckily its a 'conundrum made flesh' that probably doesnt occur much now. Im still guessing a bit but I think its possibly from the bad old days when some people thought that if at all possible it was best not to stigmatise HFAs by telling them!

I was hypnotised ...like they used to do with lefthanded ppl and it screwed up their lives too! Lol

 

Anyway...thats sorted out why I'VE had difficulties. And Im really indebted to Kez description of how to do relationships...its a gem.

 

Any more on ideas and tips on relationship success for us all though?

Edited by mark2

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Hi Tally, Lol at you sticking yr tongue out...you should try to write looking at that! 'I say,do you mind, Im trying to think' (only joking!:) its nice)

 

Yes I guess the fact everyone has relationship problems will be a good reminder for people with an ASD dx. Its a comfort that everyone else has problems too.

 

But for people like me WITHOUT a dx its not really possible anyway to forget that NTs have relationship problems. Thats 'the place Ive been living' as it were. Babylon!

 

But, whatever, I am statisically very common I keep my coal in the bath

:wacko:

I mean I am the standard single person with unknown relationship problems. Masses of us nowadays will live alone and just wont, quote, 'meet the one that lasts' Thats what I was saying about the wonky ski earlier ...if you cant fix it now...so when will you.

 

Quirks? Could be. Almost certainly that will be a proportion of us...you only have to meet ppl with breath that will fell an ox and possibly dont know about brushing their basck tongue as well as teeth. But theres not that many.

 

But mind blindness is a differnt category to a quirk isnt it. And if you then dont understand what you are...to present yourself to the other.... then you can never get a safe contract as it were. So the thing is structurtally faulted at the start....because its voiding what Kez is putting down as the primary rule.

 

Lets take the young weoman I mention above? Because I couldnt even mention that I score high for autism (I didnt know) she will have thought its was a reasonable proposition that she could take me on, present with child after a bit, changbe my behaviouir and enthuse me to ambition. A reasonable guess perhapds but using Kez' formula...which sounds like emminent sense to me... given mind-blindness thats not going to work and this youing woman's feeling over the years will be of pulling her hair out because whatever she tries hes loving his family ok but sticking with his habits and not playing the social-advancement game as well as she could doon her own. The conclusion is inevitable. End of relationship number one. Thats not quirks really is it?

The difference between Kez' bro and me is we have the same problem but he knew he was on the spectrum(I would guess)...or somehow his partner did...there was a realistic proposition which she accepted.

Whereas friends said to me, let it go, you are the most unsuited couple weve ever met. I could hear that but how would I know for myself? Im mind blind...and blind to being mind blind! But hey luckily its a 'conundrum made flesh' that probably doesnt occur much now. Its from the early days when some people thought that if at all possible it was best not to stigmatise HRAs by telling them!

 

Anyway...thats sorted out why I'VE had difficulties. And Im really indebted to Kez description of how to do relationships...its a gem.

 

Any more on tips on relationship success though?

 

He has never ben dx'd - he was checkedfor autism when he was a pre-schooler, but as he spoke so well and so early and was obviouly high IQ, it was rule out. This was back in the early 70's....

 

He was always a little different, and volatile! but he found ways to cope and a niche that worked for him. When my son was Dx'd the wider family revisited my brother's hildhood behaviour, and realised that ASD explained many of them, andhis adult eccentriities. But he's never shown any inteest in following up a dx for himself, and TBH, there seems little point in doing so.

 

Hisfirst long term relationship broke up becaue "he was boring". He was absolutely devastated, and totaly unaware that anything was wrong until the day he came home and she had moved out :crying: It tok him a long while to get over, but I think it mae him realise that he can only offer what he is, and not what others might want - hence portaing imself honestly to wife-to-be on t'internet.

 

As an aside, the matching expectations with reality is not just for ASD people - I believe it is why arranged mariages (where the roles are well prescribed and understood) have a much higher success rate than "love matches" (where couples are sure they will either be ableto change the other person into what they want, or that the other peson will NEVER change in any way - including looks!), and why Idon't believe thereis a Mr(s) right out there for everyone. Mr(s) "Good enough"is fine, as long as you accept the bits that aren't your idea of perfect are not going to change...

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Hi Mark -

 

As Tally pointed out, relationship problems are not exclusinve to autistic people...

Having seen the reality / logic of that, you should also be able to see that what you're describing as 'mind-blindness' isn't exclusive to autistic people either...

 

Men not 'getting important stuff', or 'missing the point' or 'not being willing to talk' etc etc are absolute cliche's underpinning almost every relationship break-up that ever happens. Similarly 'my wife doesn't understand me' has been a cliche phrase used in just about every sitcom as an explanation for male philandering since - well since them clever ol' ancient Greeks first put pen to paper to dash off a quick tragedy/comedy/satyr to liven up a Friday night bacchanal...

 

Another cliche (funnily enough, this one came up while out for a very rare 'social drink' the other night): 'The problem with relationships is that women think men will change and they won't, while men think women won't change and they will'...

 

Cliches are cliches for a reason.

 

Recently, as more cliches have arisen surrounding the nature of autism, the nature of things women find disagreeable in men have been increasingly identified as 'autistic' rather than 'male' traits. It's a lovely, reassuring cop-out for the girl in the equation (let's call her 'Cassandra' ;)) because rather than implying a psychological six-of-one-half-a-dozen-of-the-other equality to these general differences in male/female perspectives it implies a 'right' and 'wrong' one that labels the men as damaged or flawed in some way. How convenient is that?! :lol::whistle:

 

None of which changes anything about your own situation, but it does, hopefully, highlight that 'relationship success' isn't about the differences and the cliches, it's about the common ground in the middle and meeting halfway. I think there are all sorts of things that can make it more difficult for autistic people to get together in the first place (i.e. as many of them prefer not to 'do social' if they can at all avoid it, and because traditional venues for 'doing social' are not always an autistic persons first choice compared to something like, say, staying in and counting their antique dinky toy car collection!), but once they get together I think they are probably just as likely to be able to 'meet in the middle' if they really want to, and that they are perhaps even better equipped for understanding another individuals need for space and privacy, and perhaps for accepting people for what they are rather than wanting to mould them into what they want themn to be(?)... The last two there are quite speculative - and I certainly wouldn't want to sound as though I'm suggesting autistic people are 'better' than NT's in any way (it's those sort of sweeping generalisations and value judgements that cause the problems in the first place!) - but I do think it probably all comes down to 'swings and roundabouts'.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

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Hi BD o/

 

Kez that fills me with a lot of hope. I know real when I hear it and Ive saved your posts. You know this stuff. And youive pretty much tidied up what I wanted toknow here. (no, needed to know)So far its been awild few days I must say finding Ive been on the specvtrum all my life. Its a shock...ok not like a friend who heard they had lung cancer... but still a shock, its a real thing, and then it explains all my history so thats good, but then you xee what a mess its all been so its dismal...down up down up lol... this pack of how to go forward is great.

 

Ive started already I mentioned to my first friend tonight that Ive passed the short online aspie test and it figures...no probs etc...but I was knocked over by her reply...gobsmacked is accurate "You have Aspergers. Of course you do. You re a man" I was like "Umm...I dont need this...this doesnt compute". But luckily BD hs just explained it...its a joke like multitasking and manflu etc. Goooood! Or not good probably from what BD says. I dont mind being the butt of a joke as a guy but it isnt doing autism any good probably. Or maybe it is if its raising its profile. Sometime maybe people will want to know the positives more.

 

 

Tally I can see what youre saying more now. Somehow neither you nor BD expressed it well imo but youre saying Autistics dont have any more relationship problems thasn NTs. Yes thats fair enough. Its just my own life was full of them and I didnt realise thats because I just didnt know. I was the cat that thought it was a dog...or vice versa as you will? Extending the philosophy if hyou dont know ANY particular major thing about yourself it will have heavy consequences whatever it is. Thats cool.

 

As Gary said right at the stsart it really doesnt matter me being definate. I certainly dont need a dx. I just need to say to close friends Ive had unusual amounts of relationship difficulty, Ive passed the online aspie test. It may or msy not be right but, in circumstasnces its not nothing so its worth taking on board blah blah blah......'total realism' ? And actually thats pretty much the minimum truth to get the subject introduced and probably done with for a bit ...nothing hidden thats the main thing ?

 

Well its good to hear that everyones not been having such a bad relationship time as me. Erm I suppose :) (well youve got to laugh havent you )

Edited by mark2

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If it helps, my sister, who is as Un-ASD as possible (very charismatic, loves new things, places and people, etc) has TERRIBLE relationships :rolleyes: She seems to deliberately choose the most unsuitable men she can :wallbash::wallbash:

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Em and I have been together for nearly 8 years and married for nearly 3. This is the most secure stable relationship I've ever been in. Things seem to be going pretty well here :thumbs:

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Relationships are tricky for everyone.

 

Two non AS friends of mine both split up with girlfriends after having things thrown at them.

 

In one case it was candlestick launched with enough force for it to embed itself in the wall he was standing in front of - he ducked just in time.

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I too think you have to realise what it is that you offer. I had three pretty awful relationships where I was treated like a doormat. With children in tow, I needed someone dependable and relaiable who would be there for me and that's what I've got now.

We were friends for years and he's quite a bit older so didn't think of him as potential boyfriend but he was just what i needed.

 

I think he has AS tendencies too; he's very routine but I know just where I stand and there will never be any unpleasant surprises! Ok, so he's never going to whisk me off at the drop of a hat or buy me a surprise present, but I can live with that!

We both have things we do or don't do, but it works ok.

I'm sure you'll find someone who is looking for just what you have B x

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It's hard being the non-AS half of a relationship and the most difficult time is in the early days when trying to work out what the hell's going on with an undiagnosed partner. If you know you have AS qualities then you have an advantage because you can explain this to a potential partner. If you think that someone won't be 'able to take it' then what is the point of even embarking on a relationship as it's going to 'out' at some point? By being honest you at least sort the wheat from the chaff (not necessarily the most eloquent metaphor but...).

It's been a rough road for me and there were many potential breaking points before I understood what my other half might be experiencing and we came to a diagnosis. Knowledge is key for the non-AS. I love my DH for all the positive qualities which have been mentioned (as well as a few other talents ;) ) and together we have been able to work together on strategies that work for us with transformational results. NT's are not necessarily any better as partners. My ex led me a merry dance and was an expert philanderer!

There are lots of us NT's out there who have the capacity to try to understand and adapt our behaviour and expectations to make for a comfortable and fulfilling relationship.

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