In room all day

[BuntyB]

My daughter with AS is 15 and spends virtually all day every day in her room. I know it's not that unusual for teenagers anyway, but she is on a reduced timetable at school which means she only goes 1 hour 4 times a week so she doesn't really mix with anyone. She does go on the trampoline occasionally but still on her own. If I suggest she does something else she huffs and puffs and makes excuses.

I have asked her what she's doing up there all day- her sister thinks she sleeps a lot. She used to say 'nothing' but since I said she can't be doing nothingshe now asks why I want to know.

We have found knives in her room before so I do worry about her, but wonder whether to push her harder to do things outside her room, or just leave her to mix when she's ready. What do you think?

[smiley1590]

being 15 years old with puberty changes physical emotional changes surrounding you and then add the Aspergers can be overwhelmingly suffocating and confusing time ... i also shut myself away from the world socially withdrawn away from my family and friends spent most of my time in my bedroom can i ask where you found the knives in her bedroom? what ge was your daughter officially diagnosed? does she have any support? is she depressed would you say? is she unlike her 'normal' self? as could be MH prob going on here in background? like depression/ and or anxiety? or could be just coming terms with A.S and puberty?

 

XKLX

[smiley1590]

i also used to make 'excuses' because i was so scared isolated struggled to gain control felt so ALONE trying fight it was SO tiring draining my mum was SO worried she took me docs and i was referred to general counsellor from there referred after couple of weeks to CAMHS - complex Difficulties Clinic then assessed and diagnosed with A.S so i was by 'accident' assessed and diagnosed! due to having another issues ( panic attacks, self harm,crying all time socially withdrawn etc) later on found out these were depression, social anxiety disorder. ethe excuses was easier to cover protect me during this period because i couldn't express verbalise what was really going on with me everyone asking me questions and me having no real answers to give to properly explain!

 

XKLX

[BuntyB]

She was diagnosed at 9. She stopped going to brownies, cheer leading etc. She used to spend more time with her sisters and brother but when she wanted her own space we split a bedroom to make two little rooms. I know she like her own space, e.g. goes straight there after school to calm herself. She used to go to school with her sister until last year and now she is at college so I think that's made a big difference as her sister was a big support. She has been bullied at school and did get very stressed and that's when she self-harmed. She is better with the reduced timetable but that has brought other stresses as she is worried about failing her exams even though she has always been well ahead she now has a big disadvantage.

I spent a lot of time at her age too and also self-harmed because I was so so miserable but I also don't think I'd have coped if my parents had dragged me off places. It's hard to know the best way to help.

[smiley1590]

so because found this knife is possibly she gone back to self harming herself? has depression been looked into as a cause from the bullying situation at school? maybe she hasn't got 'over it' as i also have struggled as like your daughter was bullied at school for years has negative impact on your life all areas especially mentally/emotionally low self esteem , MH probs develop if left undetected? has she ever talked through her bullying experiences with anyone before? and does she struggle at college? or is she bullying again at college or something else college leading her become stressed withdrawn? where did you discover the knife in her room? was it hidden? under pillow tucked away somewhere where you wouldn't find it?

 

XKLX

[BuntyB]

We found the knife when the bullying was going on. She is still at school; it's her sister who has gone on to college. The knife was under the bed and she admitted to harming herself and we have input from CAMHS and this is why she doesn't go to any lessons where the bullies are (I am mad as hell about this but that's another tale and am taking issue with school as she was the one punished here not the bullies, however it's gone to far now to backtrack)

She isn't self-harming now as far as I'm aware. It's difficult to talk to her as if you broach a sensitive subject, she retreats to her bedroom and doesn't speak.

[smiley1590]

i woud take her either to CAMHS as emergency appointment or emergency docs appointment as sounds like as self harmer i would personally say that she is self harming again as knife been found in her bedroom and if approach subject she goe3s back to her bedroom and doesn't speak means she hiding 'something' from you that she struggling emotionally with to handle cope with on her own! she sounds depressed to me is displaying any other depressive signs? apart from being withdrawn in her bedroom? has CAMHS mentioned depression present before? i would seek help as sounds like she trying in her own way to tell you let you know she needs help! i used to be the same and when self harm topic was raised used to run and hide away as found difficult to handle on my own emotions surrounding it aswell as others parents family members becomes more involved and scary confusing just adds to making desperate situation more strained /pressured

 

XKLX

[smiley1590]

she isn't self harming as far as 'you are aware' which probably means the highly likely chance of that it has started up again as soon as we think you as parents aren't looking backs are turned .... we then go to self harm when things get too much we feel bad guilty for self harm but makes feel in control when she was being bullied she probably felt out of control upset way she dealt with all emotions /feelings surrounding that she turned to self harm as 'friend' to turn to comfort to relax release negative emotions/feelings the bullies made her feel inside that she couldn't express due to A.S! you feel ashamed that you have self harm you feel sneaky dirty lying to your parents or excusing the self harm makes another opportunity available ... has she had counselling from CAMHS surrounding her bullying issues? this has probably lead to other issues /probs such as depression

[Mandapanda]

Hi BuntyB

 

This is a difficult situation and I feel for you.

 

My son is coming up 15 and is now home educated as he couldn't cope with secondary school. He rarely goes out (NOT because of the home ed - it is the reason he is home edded). There have been times when I couldn't leave him alone as he was unsafe, and it puts a terrible strain on the whole family.

 

I have found the only way of ever getting the bottom of anything (if possible at all), is to ask indirect questions. Rather than ask 'did anything bad happen at school', I would ask 'which lessons did you do today'. It would take very patient careful questioning to get to the point of any problems. Many times it wouldn't work. The most open he ever was with me was in the middle of the night when he was deeply distressed.

 

Since the pressure of school was taken off him, we can talk about school and things that happened because he feels distanced from it.

 

I know through my work that clinicians sometimes suggest using an elastic band round the wrist and twanging it against the skin, or using ice cubes against the skin, as a 'safer' method of self-harming.

 

I agree that you need more input from CAMHS if you can get it. Best wishes.