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Hitting self

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Hi DD is just 7. All of her strange stressy behaviours have got much worse recently due to her routine being seriously disterbed. I am really worried about her hitting herself and pulling her own hair. She has been doing this when she gets really upset for as long as I can remember but just recently it seems to be getting much more violent. Distraction doesn't work. Ignoring it untill she works herself into a frenzy and falls in into a sobbing ball is the quickest way to get it to stop. She was doing it to herself coming out of the supermarket the other day and the looks people were giving me, you'd have thought it was me hitting her. I know if I step in I will make it worse, but I don't want her to get into a habit where she will end up hurting herself.

 

Does anyone have any expierence of this? Has it got worse as your child got older. Did you find they ever hurt themselves or do they manage to keep it under control? Have you found a way to stop or change this behavour?

 

i don't want to stop her from working out her feelings, I just don't want her to hurt herself.

thx

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i started self haerming in my early teens cutting not hitting myself or pulling my hair but in meltdown/outburst rage i would hit myself on the head last one banged my head off the floor i do it because i can't express /verbalise myself at that particiliar time how i think and feel becomes point of overwheling suffocationg frustrating comes over you and i would end a sobbing wreck mess on the floor rocking backwards and forwards lasting for hours i wouldn't make any real sense in my talking ... just repeat words over and over so can personally relate first hand i know your daughter younger than i was when i doing it!

 

how has your daughter's routine been disturbed? you didn't say in your post? as has probably caused distress,upset anxious and friction in her world turning her upside down inside out she probably confused and angry way she lets it out and shows you tells you as can't use words at that time is the way she behaves which is upsetting and distressing watch as a parent a child harming themselves feeling powerless helpless

 

i would seek professional help /support if getting much worse .... CAMHS maybe? i go to your GP to discuss your daughter's distressing situations and how becoming more violent to herself? does she just hurt herself NOT you?

 

XKLX

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dont be overly worried, it sounds like shes having serious trouble coping and the only way she can deal with it is by crying out and pulling hair. A lot of autistic people do similar things, hurt themselves, smash things up when they cant cope or understand why the routine is being messed up, aspergers is basically the high end of autism so under stress it appears similar. Try talking to her asking what it is that makes her feel that way and see if you can do anything to resolve it. And if it cant be solved easily or something else sets her off, there are methods you could show her on how to calm down. Such as when shes upset, instead of giving into the urge to pull hair or shout she could go for a fast walk or squeeze an stressball

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She is very reliant on routine and can handle having what we call 'flexible' time where we do different things as long as the basic structure of her week remains unchanged. We home school but all her activities stop during school hols. This is never an easy time and I usually find the 1st week back is often worse than the break itself. All the BHols over easter ment we ended up with a 4 week easter break, which was tourturous. Followed by a 3 week term, then a week off, now we are back for 6wks and then will be off for 6. I stupidly arranged to go swimming with friends after her usual monday morning on the 1st day back. She had been asking to go swimming for a while so I thought she would be pleased. She broke down,and went completely nuts. Asking why I arranged to go swimming, 'we go to Nannys on monday afternoon. You said we were going back to the plan on tomorrow, why did you change it, I dont want to go. I want to go to Nannys' It left her so upset she cried the whole evening. We had to cancel swimming and go to Nans for lunch then go to friends house to play. This was ok, friend came back to sleepover which thinking about it now maybe wasn't the best idea. All seemed well untill going home from next days activity. She just cried and cried and cried. Interspersed with tantrums and hitting herself and telling me she loves me while crying and wanting to hug me.

She did used to hit and headbutt me and her sister when she was younger and she really did hurt me. We have worked very hard on getting her not to. It was only ever imediate family. She has always hit herself but I used to take the brunt. Now she is only hitting herself but will occasionally throw her entire bodywight into me with her shoulder, but we are still working on that. I am confident that will stop as its getting better, but the self hitting is getting worse. She has been telling us for years that she wants to die when she gets low and I am really worring that this is the sign of things to come. I am glad to hear that you can understand her feelings. I really do try to see where she is coming from but it is really hard sometimes when you dont ever expierience these intense feelings youself.

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i also been telling my mum and dad family for years i want to die too she sounds very desperate reaching crying out for help someone to help her save her ... so hard even get own parents/family understand how one min up next min crashing down fast .... sounds like she needs therapy to express herself in more healthier calmer way ... whether this relaxation/breathing techiniques when she gets herself in worked up state she sounds depressed as child can get depressed too? has depression been checked out as possibility looked into? wanting to die sounds like sheer depressive comment mode? as does hurting herself to some extent too!

 

i have just gone back to work after a week off and had monday this week off due to teacher training day as really messes me up completely throws everything out for ages my mind set and body too trying get head around settling down into routine again is hard going draining just such exhausting task to go through people don't realise as hidden ....

 

XKLX

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thx so much. Its really nice to hear from someone who can 'understand' her feeling rather than just 'explain' them. I am going to go back to GP and find out where we go from there. thx again.

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Hi 247 -

 

In the simplest terms I think you've identified the root of the problem yourself.

 

I know if I step in I will make it worse

 

Your daughter is seven, a child. She has no adult perspective, so she needs to get that from you. Step in, knowing it will 'make it worse' (because frustrating a child in controlling behaviours always will lead to an escalation when you first start intervening, as any textbook will tell you), and deal with the 'worse' until stepping in starts to make things better.

 

Ignoring a problem, your current strategy, doesn't solve a problem; it just reinforces the behaviour. Your daughter behaves this way, and immediately, whatever request / demand you've made, however reasonable, gets sidestepped. Very, very successful control strategy on her part. If you had no social embarrassment and could get your own way pretty much all of the time by enacting a certain behaviour you'd be daft NOT to use it, wouldn't you?

 

L&P

 

BD

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Hi 247,

 

My daughter is nearly 18 and showed aggression and self harming since she was around 7yrs old.

 

Most of this surrounds times when her anxieties are increased - we might not have realised it at the time- but afterwards it becomes clearer what the cause was. Routine is a big thing for her which has got worse as she's got older - it is the one thing she clings to when her anxieties are high as it is the one thing in her life she feels she can control - also her OCD and anorexia tendancies also link in with this.

 

We were once told by CAMHS that we have allowed her to use self harming as a coping strategy. My daughter has terrible scars and continues to use knives and scissors to self harm - CAMHS told her recently to make sure that the knives are clean first and that if she gets taken into the secure unit they will provide her with a sterilised self harming kit.

 

It is very easy to judge parenting or motives behind behaviour - I have watched my daughter beg to die - being scared of her future and worry what will happen when we are gone. I have seen her covered in blood and using all her force to cut her arms, ripping at her face or smashing her head into a glass mirror - she does not respond to punishment, rewards or any known ideas given to us by CAMHS which leaves us in no-mans land. We do not give in to her and she goes without many things because of her behaviour - her behaviour does not improve if a reward is something she desperately wants - when her emotion overtakes her there is nothing that can be done. She has no friends, is socially isolated except for her immediate family and she feels desperate.

 

I hope you get some help and that your daughter is one that is responsive to therapy or strategies.

Take care,

Jb x

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thank you. Reading you stories absolutely terrifies me, but I am grateful to you for sharing them with me. It is giving me the strength to keep fighting for help for her. I am so afraid that this is the future she is headed toward. My brother wasn't diagnosed until adult after a suicide attempt and she is so like him in many of her ways. We never give in to her and we always insist on discussing what caused her to become so upset and how she could have delt with things differently. To some degree this is working because her episodes have gone from several 40min outbursts where she throws her body uncontrollably arching her back and screaming, to a few minuites to take herself off and gather her thoughts and emotions before coming back to talk. This still happens several times a day but we can have several days at a time with no major incidents.

 

The problem is in public places where she can't have that few miniutes. I can't let her go wandering off and I don't drive so my only option is to make her walk to somewhere where she can calm down. But that is esier said than done in most cases as by the time we get somewhere safe she is hysterical, hitting herself and grabbing handfuls of her hair, and then she is withdrawn for hours afterwards. I just wondered if anyone else had found a way of coping with this. Sorry if I didn't make anything clear, I have a lot on my mind.

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The problem is in public places where she can't have that few miniutes. I can't let her go wandering off and I don't drive so my only option is to make her walk to somewhere where she can calm down. But that is esier said than done in most cases as by the time we get somewhere safe she is hysterical, hitting herself and grabbing handfuls of her hair, and then she is withdrawn for hours afterwards. I just wondered if anyone else had found a way of coping with this.

 

Hi 247,

 

I know exactly what you mean but I have no solutions. We have a car so often she would go there should it happen but we've been in many many situations where a safe/quiet place hasn't been available and it is difficult.

 

Take care,

Jb x

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