feeling helpless

[mygifts1306]

Dear all, i went for drop in to speak to teacher today, she is so fed up with my son, as and adhd, she also said what frustated her was the fact that my son does not show emotions and she said that has hurt her, my son is going into p5 in main stream, i also asked her if she experienced a child with his difficulties, she said yes, she was so cold and clearly fed up..is this feeling of helplessness common among parents, i am feeling really low, is there anything i can do to uplift my mood, thanks for reading x

[bid]

I'm not a teacher, but I do work with children and young people with severe learning difficulties, including autism, and complex medical needs.

 

I have to say my own opinion is that your teacher has been unprofessional to say that she feels 'hurt' by your son's lack of emotion. How on earth would she deal with the extreme challenging behaviour experienced by myself and my colleagues then??

 

As a professional, you go through the whole gambit of emotions when working with children with special needs, but you deal with those feelings privately or with your team. What you shouldn't do is take them personally, as it appears the case with your son's teacher.

 

Parents have enough emotions of their own to struggle with, they don't need a professional telling them how 'hurt' they are, epsecially over something as fundamental as a child with ASD not showing the expected emotional responses!

 

I really feel for you <'>

 

Bid

Edited June 15, 2011 by bid

[flappyfish]

I do feel for you! I am a teacher and it is tiring when children are challenging, but you should never take it personally and I would not convey that to a parent. I think unfortunately, people don't always realise just how vulnerable parents feel. I come away from meetings about my son feeling low and demoralised even when people are nice to me!! All you can do is say to yourself that you are doing what you can. Listen to some nice music, eat something, buy clothes, go for a walk, sing... whatever does it for you. Actually, I have been taking St John's Wort as I had reached the crying at nothing stage, and it has really helped tolift my mood. Got it at Sainsbury's so no GP involved. Also, take comfort from the fact that you are not on your own. Are you in a support group? Hearing that other people go through similar and worse can be very reassuring. I do hope things pick up for you.

[philipo]

it made seem cheap to say and a small comfort but all these experiences are making you stronger and more understanding ,not just of your kids behaviour.Youll look back in ten years and realsie this.Its ok the be human and vunerable.The sun rises new everyday.i noticed with my daughter that just when I was getting at my wits end with her behaviour ,it changed.it was as if the trying times were an indicator of her ending one small learning phase and moving on to another.Problem is by the time i realised that she'd left school and went to colledge!

That teacher seems to get upset by her own silly expectations more than your kids behaviour.

[cmuir]

Dear all, i went for drop in to speak to teacher today, she is so fed up with my son, as and adhd, she also said what frustated her was the fact that my son does not show emotions and she said that has hurt her, my son is going into p5 in main stream, i also asked her if she experienced a child with his difficulties, she said yes, she was so cold and clearly fed up..is this feeling of helplessness common among parents, i am feeling really low, is there anything i can do to uplift my mood, thanks for reading x

 

 

Hi

 

Oh poor her - she clocks on at 9 and finishes before 5pm. Parenting an ASD child is a 24/7 job that can be round the clock. I think the teacher has been utterly unprofessional – yes, she might have some frustration, etc, but it is her job to map out a plan for moving forward (and be positive). In my son's case, it's taken a long time but I now feel the HT understands R very well. However, the school Support for Learning Teacher has her head in the sand. Frankly, I don't think she has a clue. R's class teacher is rather old school and whilst that has it's down side, it can also be a positive thing too. I have to say, I find mainstream schooling very difficult and remain unconvinced that for kids that function at a particular level, I think specialist provision/expertise would make a difference. I think moving forward with your son, it might be an idea to have a chat with the HT. I'd be inclined to tell her how you found the class teacher and advise that whilst you understand and perhaps share her thoughts to some degree, you feel it's extremely important to work together in a positive and constructive way.

 

Best wishes.

[bid]

Hi

 

Oh poor her - she clocks on at 9 and finishes before 5pm.

 

To be fair Cmuir, my DH is a teacher, and he is in before 8 every morning, and home at 6 or later most nights...and I think this is true of the majority of teachers.

 

I agree with the rest of your post tho

 

Bid

Edited June 18, 2011 by bid

[mygifts1306]

Thank you very much for all your prompt responses on this subject. I feel the teacher was really not professional, i was not asking her how she felt, i was asking her questions about my son's trigger to unacceptable behavior and she started going on about how my son made her feel, i think i will discuss this with the educational pyschologist, i dont think they realise how vulnerable we are as parent. thank you so much i really appreciate your support, i hardly get a chance to go online as i work fulltime and usually chasing my tail with housework.

 

 

cheers xx

[philipo]

Dont wast anytime talking about the teacher with the educational psycho ,spend that time on discussing you and your child.Its hard 24/7 work all ready for you and we (certainly me) can be too hard on those who have little or no experience dealing with asd's.Yeah its normal to feel burnt out and helpless but remember that your child is work in progress and nothing is really 'set' by a diagnosis or definition of asd.Many parents are ignorant of their childrens needs while many others are so attentive (especially if aware of their kids more special needs) that they burn themselves out and forget about their own needs.Give yourself a pat on the back for coming this far and make sure you give yourself one evening a week to relax and pamper your needs.Onward ever onward. x

[mygifts1306]

Thanks Phillipo for your encouraging words, it is most kind of you. x

[puffin]

Personally I would print out stuff about autism from NAS or similar and drop in and give it to the teacher and say that you didn't want her taking things personally that were a part of ASD and thought she needed some more information ;-)

[cmuir]

To be fair Cmuir, my DH is a teacher, and he is in before 8 every morning, and home at 6 or later most nights...and I think this is true of the majority of teachers.

 

I agree with the rest of your post tho

 

Bid

 

Hi

 

Absolutely – I don't doubt that teachers work had and some more than most, however, I guess I was clumsily trying to make the point that teachers generally have kids from around 8.45 until 3.30pm or thereabouts. Whilst she may be frustrated, etc, she is paid to do a job in a professional manner whilst identifying and meeting the needs of the child. No easy task and it really should be a team effort i.e. Ed Psych, SFL Teacher, etc.

 

Best wishes.

[philipo]

It s alomg term thing and dead easy to kick teachers when our kids have problems,one thing we never say to teachers is 'thanks for being a glorified childminder so we can participate in making money.' For all our fine words like ,politicians who come out with 'education education education' the reality is very different.Teachers have never in history been so subject to political intereference and 'norm setting' with statistics just for idealogical creeds and state propoganda,at a time when their ability to be proffesional and independant is at an all time low , no wonder many of them are popping anti depressents and throwing long 'sickies'.Educating your childs teacher will help her proffesionally and help your child and others in the future,he/she may be so glad that you showed her a whole new approach in looking at 'difficult' pupils she may take the extra time and attention with your child (and others) so you can all get the best of it,he /she may become a Head one day and in aposition to progress and further 'educational' thinking.

It s very hard for all of us asd /parent or 'normal' or whatever to sift through and see a positive way forward when we are stressed up and at our wits end.One thing I've learnt with a long undiagnosed asd is that ,things change and all we can do is steer them to change for the better.

I'm not impressed with the education system ,its mostly a mess of building fraud and political interference.I just heard on middle england radio 4 about how 'academys'(a nother economic pun on schools,as we mostly call them) have developed a clear tendency to exclude children with disabilities,now thats a bit nazi.If we don't take responsibility for educating our teachers with our direct experiences it will just be left to a load of o level wonders called 'graduates' to steer educational and disability policy.The biggest input any child can have for their education is the support of their parents and carers,bad school or good school.

As ( a thousnd times before no doubt1) Take a deep breath,recharge your batteries and get back on the horse,onward ever onward!!!

Edited June 20, 2011 by philipo

[Sally44]

My question would be: "If my son is not able to understand emotions or respond appropriately what are school doing about that to teach him emotional literacy in himself and others." When a child has SEN the school are supposed to seek professional help/advice and do something to meet that need.

Does your child have a Statement?

You could also ask your GP to refer you to Clinical Psychology for them to see him and see what advice they give. ClinPsych don't usually work with schools, they usually see a child/family for a set number of sessions, but they may be able to give some advice to you and you should ask them to put their findings and advice in writing. You may need to use all this information in the future as part of his Statement to demonstrate what his needs are and how they are not currently being met.

Your son has a diagnosis that means he will have significant difficulties with emotional literacy and social interaction. He isn't doing it deliberately to upset anyone. He just does not get it.

I recently had a run-in with my own son and told him I was tired of repeatedly having to ask him to tidy his bedroom. I said "what are you going to do when I am not around to keep reminding you?" He said "When you are dead i'm going to have a party because you'll stop telling me what to do all the time." He just says what he thinks. I know my daughter might have secretly thought the same thing. But you don't say it. That's the difference with our kids. There is no emotional or social filter to screen out the inappropriate things.

 

So, as low as it does make you feel. I would use it as evidence that he needs some help and support in this area.

[Sally44]

I just wanted to add that in my own case the school kept saying they had "no concerns" about anything really.

Even when he was vomitting in school due to anxiety.

He isn't even in school now and we are about to go to an educational Tribunal in July.

 

Clinical Psychology and CAHMS saw him and said they were astounded by the number of educational issues he had. That he had absolutely NO EMOTIONAL LITERACY in himself, although he could be shown a picture of a happy face and could identify the emotion. But that is different. Mostly our children have difficulties identifying their own emotions and what that means. They cannot identify other peoples emotions or intentions when their voice tone or body gestures do not match the words. They take things literally. They have problems with theory of mind and sometimes cannot see the situation from anything other than their own point of view. That can make them appear selfish and self centred. But that is due to their diagnoses.

Edited June 21, 2011 by Sally44