Teen's inappropriate internet use

[LittleRae]

Hi All

 

I hope someone here can help me. My AS teen uses facebook - a lot. We've always been in favour of this as he expresses himself better online. Now, however, I have noticed inappropriate sexual postings on his own and other peoples' walls. He also replies to the dodgy e-mails from 'Russian beauties' and has even exchanged inappropriate pictures.

 

When this first occurred 6 plus months ago, we closed his email and facebook accounts, did the talk, printed articles from internet explaining how inappropriate this was and how it could affect university/job prospects in the future.

 

All seemed ok for a few weeks and then I discovered he was back on FB. We have put the net nanny on his laptop, removed the internet from his iTouch but he has managed to bypass all of these. I've downgraded his phone to the very basic so he has not camera or internet access. His psychologist recommends that he have no internet use whatsoever and even recommends taking the phone away. I cannot take the phone as he goes to school alone, changing buses on the way and I would be terrified not to be able to contact him and vice versa.

 

I have been loath to take away the internet altogether as it is wonderful to see how he engages with his 'friends' online - which we have already scaled back to include just actual friends. It also allows me to know what is going on in his life, school etc. as he is not good at passing on any information about his life.

 

My OH has had the conversation with him till he's blue in the face but the boy does not seem to get it! DS also has a diagnosis of ODD so he will not see that he has to curtail any activity and refuses to change his ways. Is my only hope to take away the internet completely? While we knew he was safe when we did this, it was quite frankly a pain having to supervise him while researching school projects, etc. Also, he uses the laptop to complete schoolwork as his handwriting is illegible. Unfortunately, due to the layout of our home and the fact that we all usually do our own thing in the evenings, putting the computer in a public area has not worked.

 

Has anyone else had this problem and been able to sort it?

 

Thanks

 

LR

[baddad]

Hi LittleRae -

That dx of ODD is very convenient for him, I'm afraid, so I think it probably either comes down to you montiroing him on the PC 24/7 or taking it away as there's absolutely no room to manouvre or for compromise.

 

Of course, if ODD is real then all you have to say is you MUST use the internet to chat with Russian lovelies, swap dodgy e-mails and inappropriate pictures and he'll have no option but not to do any of those things any more...

 

Sorry if that sounds flippant, but in real terms the top paragraph really does sum up your options, I think.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

PS: as far as access to the internet goes you don't have to take away the PC - just the router. He can still do his homework no probs.

Edited June 24, 2011 by baddad

[LittleRae]

Thanks Baddad

 

I guess I knew the answer really.

 

Unfortunately as we work at home we have WiFi so he can pretty much get on wherever and whenever he likes. I wonder if we can have password access - must look into that.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

LR

 

ETA

 

Wonder if CBT would help in any way here? Anyone with any experience of it?

Edited June 24, 2011 by LittleRae

[baddad]

Thanks Baddad

 

I guess I knew the answer really.

 

Unfortunately as we work at home we have WiFi so he can pretty much get on wherever and whenever he likes. I wonder if we can have password access - must look into that.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

LR

 

ETA

 

Wonder if CBT would help in any way here? Anyone with any experience of it?

 

Hi again littleRae -

Wifi shouldn't present a problem - you just remove the wifi card. If it's built in to the mobo that's a bit more difficult, but on many laptops it's just a small 'drive' on the side of the case (like a smaller version of a DVD drive that pulls out) and PC's often just have PCI cards that can be whipped out in a jiffy...

Even if it is built in, unless it is a completely unsecured network, it will need a 'pre set key' to access the router/network which you can easily change... Then again, the router is still connecting you to the internet, and when the rest of the family aren't online switching the router off will switch him off too.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[JsMum]

I was about recommend Net Nanny but you already have it and if he has bypassed it all he is one clever kid.

 

Is it this one?

 

http://www.pcworld.co.uk/gbuk/r/NET%20NANNY/0_0_0/

 

My son has also accessed inapropriate internet use, both at home and at school.

 

I would look at contacting a computer service/internet providers to see if there is more filer devises or external filter devices, there must be something out there that can block, restrict the internet, if not it needs inventing now.

 

What about the local colleges, schools who have to put on filter, restrictions for thier children or contact a local computer store somewhere like PCWORLD.

 

Youngminds may be able to advise you further also about the internet concerns.

 

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/

 

Also this.

 

http://www.childnet-int.org/safety/parents.aspx

 

 

search engine Internet safety for teenagers.

 

Sorry your having this difficult situation as we are too, your not alone.

 

JsMumxx

[Enid]

Have to agree with BD here ( have you picked yourself off the floor BD ) Its your son and every teen in the world, autistic or not, they know fine well they are doing wrong, I have had a nightmare with DS 2, same as yours really, even down to russian flipping beauties, he is on his final warning. You need a password for the computor, very easy to set up. I am now his "friend" on facebook, and know his password, so I can block the 100`s of unsuitable people who send him friend requests, both men and woman, even though his picture quite clearly shows him as a young teen. I hate facebook now, I have to waste time every evening checking he is not doing/saying anything wrong. my 12 year old NT daughter is the only child in her class (allegedly ) to not have a FB account but I wont give in.

 

So anyway, goodluck, and let us know how you get on

[Hughey]

Removed.

Edited June 24, 2011 by Hughey

[baddad]

Hughey - I think you've posted a reply in the wrong thread?

Someone was posting here that their child was using facebook inappropriately and they were scared they'd get themselves into some sort of trouble. I didn't see anything about teaching children that sex was a bad thing or to suggest that the parent felt that him seeing a lady's front-bottom would effect his work opportunities.

What she said was that he had been posting inappropriate messages on Facebook, that he had been sending and receiving inappropriate pictures via facebook and that he was perhaps making himself vulnerable to exploitation from 'sexy lady' chatlines etc that used facebook to entrap and exploit vulnerable and niaive people... The first two could get him into very serious trouble that would effect his employment prospects/whatever if he found himself on a sex register because he sent the wrong message or picture to the wrong person, and the last could lead to all sorts of problems for him and his family.

Common sense, then, for a parent to want to intervene, and if the child isn't open to reasonable negotiation to take other measures to protect him.

As for the 'jacking off' I'm sure he can do that with or without the internet, and my advice would be the same as the reply i gave my mum when she told me to 'stop it or you'll go blind'... I promised I'd stop when I needed glasses...

 

L&P

 

BD

[Hughey]

Hughey - I think you've posted a reply in the wrong thread?

Someone was posting here that their child was using facebook inappropriately and they were scared they'd get themselves into some sort of trouble. I didn't see anything about teaching children that sex was a bad thing or to suggest that the parent felt that him seeing a lady's front-bottom would effect his work opportunities.

What she said was that he had been posting inappropriate messages on Facebook, that he had been sending and receiving inappropriate pictures via facebook and that he was perhaps making himself vulnerable to exploitation from 'sexy lady' chatlines etc that used facebook to entrap and exploit vulnerable and niaive people... The first two could get him into very serious trouble that would effect his employment prospects/whatever if he found himself on a sex register because he sent the wrong message or picture to the wrong person, and the last could lead to all sorts of problems for him and his family.

Common sense, then, for a parent to want to intervene, and if the child isn't open to reasonable negotiation to take other measures to protect him.

As for the 'jacking off' I'm sure he can do that with or without the internet, and my advice would be the same as the reply i gave my mum when she told me to 'stop it or you'll go blind'... I promised I'd stop when I needed glasses...

 

L&P

 

BD

 

I have to admit, there seemed to be more about the precautions she was setting up than the actual problem which made it seem like what I was saying was correct.

 

I think saw more about sexually e-mailing Russian women and going on dirty sites than stuff on facebook. But I have no idea on how to read that in a way that I would have gottt. I have seen something similar before about parents freaking out and shutting down the internet and making them close accounts of whatever, just because they looked at some porn.

I found some of the content disturbing, especially on how she seemed to want to have a great deal of control over his life on the internet, but I guess I was wrong, so dorry, OP.

[baddad]

I have to admit, there seemed to be more about the precautions she was setting up than the actual problem which made it seem like what I was saying was correct.

 

I think saw more about sexually e-mailing Russian women and going on dirty sites than stuff on facebook. But I have no idea on how to read that in a way that I would have gottt. I have seen something similar before about parents freaking out and shutting down the internet and making them close accounts of whatever, just because they looked at some porn.

I found some of the content disturbing, especially on how she seemed to want to have a great deal of control over his life on the internet, but I guess I was wrong, so dorry, OP.

 

Hi again Hughey -

 

yes, sometimes parents can be a bit overprotective about their kids regarding sex, and sometimes parents can be a bit 'hung up' about sex too...

But on a site where most of the parents are posting about autistic kids, and autism being a dx that crosses a whole range of levels in terms of understanding and social awareness, naivity, vulnerability etc etc it can be a very complex issue (not that it isn't for other parents and kids, but any sort of disability adds complications and I suspect ASD some complications to those complications in some cases) that goes beyond the norm of kids looking at and enjoying sexual images.

I think something else that's very difficult for kids of the 'now' generation to understand is that the nature of available sexual imagery and it's click-of-a-button availability is also relatively new, and for many parents - who are far from being 'prudes' or 'hung up' - that too can be disturbing and scary...

I'm not a 'prude', but I am concerned about how my son might access and view sexual imagery, and the kinds of 'contexts' that he might view it in via the internet. I'm not concerned overly (though he is too young at them moment) about him viewing 'recreational' sexual imagery but I am very concerned about him seeing images that are abusive, exploitative, de-humanising, debasing or objectifying.

Now regardless of what I would 'like' the genie is out of the bottle, and I can only hope that my influence on my son will be enough to provide him with a wider frame of reference regarding the images which he will be able to access if he chooses to in the future (when he is old enough, or when he's in the houses of mates whose parents have been less conscientious about things like net nanny and so on). I don't want him to have that wider frame of reference because I'm a prude, or because I'm scared of him 'growing up' and exploring his sexuality/sexual identity or anything like that. I want him to have that wider frame of reference because I think it will ultimately allow him - and any sexual partners he might have - to have better, more equal, more fulfilling and more loving relationships than those that are typically presented in the average 'porn' movie, and that seem, for many, to have been confused with reality. The OP said 'my teenage son'... My son is thirteen, and even though he is 'high functioning' and quite emotionally mature (as autistic's go) for his age, he is still very, very naive and very, very vulnerable. He has lots of NT mates around the same age who think they are emotionally mature and are much better than him at pretending to be, but the reality is that they too are naive and vulnerable (but not so much). I know autistic adults (20+) who are actually probably more naive than either my thirteen year old son or his friends...

 

I don't know what age (chronologically or emotionally) the teenage son of the OP is, but I'm guessing even if he is technically of an age where viewing such material might be 'legal' the problems he has run into on facebook indicate it's a bit more complicated than would normally be the case...

 

Anyhoo, I'm sure the OP appreciates you putting your hand up and admitting you'd got the wrong end of the stick, and i hope that my explanation above offers you a context from which you can see some of the concerns that parents might have that aren't based on prudishness or embarrassment.

 

L&P

 

BD