girlfriends and aspergers

[newbie101]

Hello,

 

I am new to asd-forum and just registered yesterday and after exploring the site a little I found that successful relationships between aspies and NT's were rare. To start from scratch I have 'asberger traits' as diagnosed from a psychiatrist in April 2008 when I was 18 and I am 22 now. Now I am starting my Masters course at university and am currently on a placement.

 

To put in as few words as possible:

 

I am career minded and know what it is I am going to do

I have learned to 'cover up' my aspie traits (which usually arise in new situations) by putting myself in as many new situations as possible, which is now fairly convincing to most NT's, although of course I cannot cover up completely

I do have friends, not a group of friends, however most of them find my aspie traits 'slightly unusual', although some find them 'eccentric',

Due to a lack of confidence in secondary school I was bullied by blokes (this ended when I started weight lifting) and was humiliated by a girl in class once

Now I am fairly confident as I have been in enough situations to be able to 'pigeon hole' people to see whether they are nice, unpleasant, users, etc

 

The experience with the girl humiliation left me with a lingering dislike for women (I know this is irrational and I can't get rid of it) and I am attempting to let it go

I don't like 'going out' (pubs, nightclubs, etc.) as they are far too unpredictable, have tried internet dating (which did not work) and I generally find women (I know this is a generalization but this is my experience): shallow, insecure, and irritating. It's a shame that one of my female friends, who I get along with really well (she is NT but is super smart and really accepting of others) has a boyfriend.

 

Basically the question I am asking is how does an aspie male go about finding a girlfriend?

[philipo]

Basically the question I am asking is how does an aspie male go about finding a girlfriend?

Its wrong to say relationships between aspies n nt'rs is rare,When it comes to finding a girlfreind then its the same for all .if you have problems with loud noises or crowds then the pub or disco might not be the thing.You should just concentrate on doing what makes you happy,be it employment,education,outdoors and you'll find a girlfreind same as everyone else.

The dislike of women is called fear and lack of confidence,but you can't let older hurts hold you back,that was then so just move on with your course and be happy and everything else will follow.yeah it can be a scary thing starting a relationship,but being young ,gifted and at uni I'd reccommend you just have some light non serious fun and not get sidetracked by relationships.A lot of women like more sensitive blokes,dont let this dx get in the way of having a bit of fun.

Remember ,no one else will make you happy except you,and relationships are overated as a source of inner happiness,in fact they can cause more disruption and chaos than their worth.

Edited June 26, 2011 by philipo

[baddad]

Hello,

 

I am new to asd-forum and just registered yesterday and after exploring the site a little I found that successful relationships between aspies and NT's were rare. To start from scratch I have 'asberger traits' as diagnosed from a psychiatrist in April 2008 when I was 18 and I am 22 now. Now I am starting my Masters course at university and am currently on a placement.

 

To put in as few words as possible:

 

I am career minded and know what it is I am going to do

I have learned to 'cover up' my aspie traits (which usually arise in new situations) by putting myself in as many new situations as possible, which is now fairly convincing to most NT's, although of course I cannot cover up completely

I do have friends, not a group of friends, however most of them find my aspie traits 'slightly unusual', although some find them 'eccentric',

Due to a lack of confidence in secondary school I was bullied by blokes (this ended when I started weight lifting) and was humiliated by a girl in class once

Now I am fairly confident as I have been in enough situations to be able to 'pigeon hole' people to see whether they are nice, unpleasant, users, etc

 

The experience with the girl humiliation left me with a lingering dislike for women (I know this is irrational and I can't get rid of it) and I am attempting to let it go

I don't like 'going out' (pubs, nightclubs, etc.) as they are far too unpredictable, have tried internet dating (which did not work) and I generally find women (I know this is a generalization but this is my experience): shallow, insecure, and irritating. It's a shame that one of my female friends, who I get along with really well (she is NT but is super smart and really accepting of others) has a boyfriend.

 

Basically the question I am asking is how does an aspie male go about finding a girlfriend?

 

Hi newbie - you've answered your own question, mate! Find someone you like as much as the female friend who has a boyfriend but who has not got a boyfriend and feels the same way about you!

That's no easy task, but it's definitely the way to go...

No doubt about it, there are a lot of shallow, insecure, irritating women out there Just as there are dullwitted, commitment-phobic, annoying men! (see what i did there? )... you just have to find the ones who aren't, and even there i'd go so far as to say that the shallow and insecure ones can still make great friends and be great fun. The one's you find irritating are probably just best avoided completely, unless very VERY pretty and known to be a bit free and easy with their 'favours' I jest, of course. Honestly. .

I can't offer much advice about feeling intimidated by women, only to say that I absolutely adore them - far more likeable than blokes - but they still for the most part terrify me! They have, for the most part, completely different logic circuits to us, and that is both the beauty and the tragedy of them (and often the comedy too, come to think of it). And guess what? the mad moos think exactly the same thing about us!

 

Go figure...

 

best with it, and the only other bit of advice i've got come's from Kate Bush's mum; 'Every old sock finds an old shoe...'

[leeds_demon]

Hello,

 

I am new to asd-forum and just registered yesterday and after exploring the site a little I found that successful relationships between aspies and NT's were rare. To start from scratch I have 'asberger traits' as diagnosed from a psychiatrist in April 2008 when I was 18 and I am 22 now. Now I am starting my Masters course at university and am currently on a placement.

 

To put in as few words as possible:

 

I am career minded and know what it is I am going to do

I have learned to 'cover up' my aspie traits (which usually arise in new situations) by putting myself in as many new situations as possible, which is now fairly convincing to most NT's, although of course I cannot cover up completely

I do have friends, not a group of friends, however most of them find my aspie traits 'slightly unusual', although some find them 'eccentric',

Due to a lack of confidence in secondary school I was bullied by blokes (this ended when I started weight lifting) and was humiliated by a girl in class once

Now I am fairly confident as I have been in enough situations to be able to 'pigeon hole' people to see whether they are nice, unpleasant, users, etc

 

The experience with the girl humiliation left me with a lingering dislike for women (I know this is irrational and I can't get rid of it) and I am attempting to let it go

I don't like 'going out' (pubs, nightclubs, etc.) as they are far too unpredictable, have tried internet dating (which did not work) and I generally find women (I know this is a generalization but this is my experience): shallow, insecure, and irritating. It's a shame that one of my female friends, who I get along with really well (she is NT but is super smart and really accepting of others) has a boyfriend.

 

Basically the question I am asking is how does an aspie male go about finding a girlfriend?

If you have a lingering dislike or women, then you really should not even consider having a girlfriend. Are you saying that all women are shallow, insecure and iiritating? Well guess what mate, I find men, (and this is a generalisation of course), to be obnoxious women - haters. A bit like you in fact.

The best thing you can do, mate, is remain single, because no woman would want to end up with someone who dislikes women.

Edited June 29, 2011 by leeds_demon

[newbie101]

If you have a lingering dislike or women, then you really should not even consider having a girlfriend. Are you saying that all women are shallow, insecure and iiritating? Well guess what mate, I find men, (and this is a generalisation of course), to be obnoxious women - haters. A bit like you in fact.

The best thing you can do, mate, is remain single, because no woman would want to end up with someone who dislikes women.

 

 

FAO leeds_demon,

 

When I said 'I find most women' I meant as an accumulation of women I have met throughout my life, mostly through secondary school (the, shall we say, 'pam pushers'). The lingering dislike is mostly due to my inability to converse with women, which is down to:

1) Several rejections by women , 2) Improving myself physically and aesthetically but being unable to improve 'woman conversation' skills, 3) The humiliation in a class by a woman, 4) I can be superficially charming but it's all an act, I don't really feel like that and resent the act, which is essential for a work environment (the fact that I even have a job depends on my ability to 'act', if I were to act myself I probably would not be employed)

 

I don't hate women, but when doing an unbiased, objective view of my experience with them, they are as described. There are exceptions of course, I hope you are one of them

[leeds_demon]

So what if you have been humiliated/rejected by women. Get over it. They were just individuals. What if you been humiliated by men, or unable to converse with men? Would you announce to all and sundry that you have a lingering dislike of men?

[baddad]

newbie 101 -

 

FWIW I saw far less 'gender judgement' in your posts than in the ones seemingly angered by them. The words pot and kettle come to mind.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited July 3, 2011 by baddad

[Special_talent123]

Hi newbie, i am female with autism. I don't currently have a relationship, i don't have any success with any kind of relationship. its either only gone out with me for a practise or they only want one thing and when say no they dump me. I used to have a long term relationship but it didnt work out any more - had no time for me, put footie at first, didnt show he loved me no more and that broke my heart.

 

but i would say don't go looking, one day you will find the right person, who has similar interests as you and treats you with respect and cares deeply about you.

 

I would advise though not to jump straight into a relationship straight away, take some time and get to know each other, share interests and hobbies and stuff like that and take it from there.

[philipo]

Just be happy in yourself and everything will follow.Men and women are far more the same than they are different so just explore your feeling and don't get bogged down in a dualistic definiton thats really more suited to simple thinkers.We all feel and think and hurt and love and have problems with trust,jsut be happy in yourself as no partner is gonna make you happy and contented.realtionships are great,and hard work but give yourself a break for now.

philipo x.

[newbie101]

So what if you have been humiliated/rejected by women. Get over it. They were just individuals. What if you been humiliated by men, or unable to converse with men? Would you announce to all and sundry that you have a lingering dislike of men?

 

Well to answer your points:

I have been humiliated by men, but on each occasion I mostly got my own back (non physical of course) although there were a few I wish I could go back to. These I still remiss over

I am able to converse with men very well, as (if you knew anything about Asberger's you would not pose such a question), NT men are closer on the autistic spectrum to Aspie men than NT women, so by definition Aspie men are almost always going to be able to get on better and communicate better with NT men than NT women. If you wish to dispute this go ahead but this is well established in the Asberger community.

Because I can communicate better with NT men and can understand them better I realize that most disputes were down to misunderstandings (which I did not realize at the time), outright bullying (after which I avoided them), manipulation (was twice then realized it and learned, has not happened since) or guys with (or at least I suspect) sexuality issues (for whom I feel sorry for).

However with NT women (or at least women who are not of a similar mind to myself), generally I am wary because they are often superficial, aesthetically driven and have no ambition. Again, I do have female NT friends so this is not applying my point to all women (I have not, to this date, met any aspie men or women, but plan to in September).

 

I am attempting to 'let go' of my comprehensive school experiences (which were overall very bad and frankly I would much have preferred to be home schooled) however it has resulted in a lot of repressed anger for which sports and gym is the only useful outlet.

 

And finally can you please respond to my posts in a more objective way and stop being so aggressive and assuming? If you cannot do this do not bother replying to this post

[darkshine]

I can understand your lingering dislike about women considering your experiences and the post at the end where you said:

I am attempting to 'let go' of my comprehensive school experiences

This would be a step forward as school experiences are not indicative of the rest of your life - or they don't have to be (thankfully)

 

I think that if you continue having female friends and interacting with women who don't bring the old feelings rushing back, you will eventually get to a point where your issues become less of a problem.

 

I think both sexes have their flaws, and as philipo suggested, there are a fair few similarities too but by being honest with yourself that you have this issue, you've got more chance of reducing it (there's still enough women out there who might reinforce it so avoid avoid avoid)

[bid]

Sorry, not trying to be pedantic, but it's AsPerger's, with a P rather than a B...

 

Bid

[newbie101]

Hello,

 

Well it sounds like you had an unpleasant time with relationships. I do not know much about you but I can safely say that aspie men and aspie women understand each other's thought processes more compared to aspie women and NT men. At the moment I am quite busy but am looking for someone. You think that aspies using forums can get to know each other?

 

 

Hi newbie, i am female with autism. I don't currently have a relationship, i don't have any success with any kind of relationship. its either only gone out with me for a practise or they only want one thing and when say no they dump me. I used to have a long term relationship but it didnt work out any more - had no time for me, put footie at first, didnt show he loved me no more and that broke my heart.

 

but i would say don't go looking, one day you will find the right person, who has similar interests as you and treats you with respect and cares deeply about you.

 

I would advise though not to jump straight into a relationship straight away, take some time and get to know each other, share interests and hobbies and stuff like that and take it from there.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think the key is to not look. Irrespective of whether we're talking about ASD or NT adults, in my experience, when you're least expecting to meet someone special that's when you usually do. It's important that you be yourself (don't try to be something/someone that you're not). Not sure what you're interests are, but people usually meet like-minded others at events/locations such as galleries, bowling, cinema, etc. I think it's also important to be clear about what you're looking for in a relationship. I had a friend who used to gobsmack me – we'd go clubbing, she'd hock up with some bloke and disappear for the night, come back the next day and wonder why there would be no meaningful relationship. Perhaps going to uni will offer some kind of social interaction that you'll become comfortable with.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline

[Adam Mars]

 

NT men are closer on the autistic spectrum to Aspie men than NT women, so by definition Aspie men are almost always going to be able to get on better and communicate better with NT men than NT women.

 

 

That's not my experience. There's nothing in the definition of Asperger's - or any ASD - that would suggest particular skills in 'getting on' and 'communicating'; quite the reverse, in fact. Women may be further away from us on the spectrum, but that tends to result in more empathy, better listening skills and more tolerance of difference. I've always found it easier to get on with, and talk to, women. All my romantic relationships with women have developed from friendships: if you get to know someone first, you can find out - usually quite quickly - whether they are "superficial, aesthetically driven and have no ambition". In my experience, women are no more likely to have those characteristics than men, but perhaps I've just been lucky in meeting mainly intelligent, thoughtful, independent women.

[darkshine]

That's not my experience. There's nothing in the definition of Asperger's - or any ASD - that would suggest particular skills in 'getting on' and 'communicating'; quite the reverse, in fact. Women may be further away from us on the spectrum, but that tends to result in more empathy, better listening skills and more tolerance of difference. I've always found it easier to get on with, and talk to, women. All my romantic relationships with women have developed from friendships: if you get to know someone first, you can find out - usually quite quickly - whether they are "superficial, aesthetically driven and have no ambition". In my experience, women are no more likely to have those characteristics than men, but perhaps I've just been lucky in meeting mainly intelligent, thoughtful, independent women.

Its quite difficult to pin this whole gender thing down cuz everyone's gonna have a different experience.

 

The OP says he gets on with men better and he probably does, but in general, men don't tend to do the whole "lets sit down and have a deep and very personal understanding type conversation" as frequently or as easily as women seem to. That isn't to say they can't, they just generally don't (not in public anyway )

 

Getting on with one gender might be because of easiness - I myself prefer hanging with the guys - but that isn't always enough is it? Sometimes you need something different, and women often do provide a different perspective to things, and approach things in different ways - they are also more likely to be quite willing to talk about totally cringe-worthy things without acting like its a big deal, having said that, talk to a guy about a major problem and you'll usually get an answer - it just won't be a deep psychological and emotional inquest.

 

Women do tend to do the whole "close contact" thing loads better - I am yet to encounter guys (straight ones at least) hugging on the sofa and playing with each others hair while watching guy flicks, eating junk food and painting their nails

 

Have I said enough to make everyone lynch me yet, I only ask cuz I'm getting that "digging a hole" feeling...

[Adam Mars]

 

The OP says he gets on with men better and he probably does

 

 

I've certainly no reason to doubt him. Unfortunately, he went on to say that this was an inevitable result of 'Asbergers'. I thought that needed some...clarification.

[darkshine]

[Special_talent123]

i fail with relationships whether have disabilities most of my relationships i had were people with learning disabilities especially with an autie women with and an autie man. It doesnt work out.

 

But it can also get to far and get out of hand when i dont want it to happen they continue and i report it. people shouldnt get away with abuse whether disability or not a helpline i call agree there but it can get a bit complex but they dont like the excuses regardless of disabilities or not

[atlantis]

It sounds to me like you want someone to connect with, and are genuinely hoping that women aren't as bad as your experience suggests! I don't think casual flings are really going to help here- in my experience it just alienates you more, and will probably only serve to further damage your opinion of women in general.

 

Personally I have similar issues with other women- I find it difficult to appreciate their outlook when it seems so trivial and superficial to me. But, as proved by the fact that you've found a girl (albeit with boyfriend) who isn't like that, we're not all like that!

 

Perhaps you're just looking in the wrong places... I've found that for me the best way to meet like-minded women is to join groups -eg. uni societies, volounteer groups etc - that are geared up for more 'intellectual' things (I think that's the easiest way to put it...).

 

Good luck! And I hope your experiences with women improve in future

 

_atLantis_

[Special_talent123]

i fail with relationships whether have disabilities most of my relationships i had were people with learning disabilities especially with an autie women with and an autie man. It doesnt work out.

 

But it can also get to far and get out of hand when i dont want it to happen they continue and i report it. people shouldnt get away with abuse whether disability or not a helpline i call agree there but it can get a bit complex but they dont like the excuses regardless of disabilities or not

 

woops didnt make sense there. i meant myself the autie women find it difficult to connect with any kind of relationship whether they have disabilities or not.

[newbie101]

Atlantis - yes you got my point completely, in Secondary School there were so many peroxide blonde (my term for idiots) women it was hard to see their personalities as their layers of makeup got in the way

[brainfizz]

Hi newbie

I'm female with possible Aspergers and to be honest I don't want to judge you for how you feel about women, if you have had bad experiences in the past with most women then it is likely you will feel this way about them, the fact that you are trying to change your views is a good thing. I don't know if I'm just generalising but I do think a lot of men find women difficult anyway because we are so naturally different to men and the same goes the other way, of course there are difficulties when mixing, autistic or not!

I think it's hard to find a good relationship anyway let alone being on the autistic spectrum but it isn't impossible, I think doing things that you find interesting and trying to get out there and do things you enjoy around others is a good way to start, try to meet your friends friends and see if you can meet females that way, I don't know about you but I would find it hard to socialise but it is a good place to start.

Can you go to any support groups near you, are there any women there you could meet?

 

Don't give up on us yet, you've had some negative experiences but there are plenty of positive experiences out there to be had yet!

 

Good luck

[Eccentric]

Newbie, while I accept that having Asbergers makes it difficult to understand social relationships - and I tend to struggle with them as well - after reading your posts I'm going to have to give you a bit of a telling off.

 

If you want to find a girlfriend, you'll have to stop being so judgemental about people. You have a problem about women because you think the ones you have met in the past were "superficial, aesthetically driven and had no ambition." You later describe them as "idiots". What makes you think that?

 

Similarly, you accuse Leeds Demon as knowing nothing about Asbergers. There is no evidence that that is the case.

 

If you continue to take that attitude towards people, even if you don't actually say to them what you have said to us, they will think you are very rude - and women tend to be more sensitive to this than men.

 

Start taking people as they are, and make some effort to see the positive in them.

Edited August 11, 2011 by Eccentric

[RainbowsButterflies]

Newbie, while I accept that having Asbergers makes it difficult to understand social relationships - and I tend to struggle with them as well - after reading your posts I'm going to have to give you a bit of a telling off.

 

If you want to find a girlfriend, you'll have to stop being so judgemental about people. You have a problem about women because you think the ones you have met in the past were "superficial, aesthetically driven and had no ambition." You later describe them as "idiots". What makes you think that?

 

Similarly, you accuse Leeds Demon as knowing nothing about Asbergers. There is no evidence that that is the case.

 

If you continue to take that attitude towards people, even if you don't actually say to them what you have said to us, they will think you are very rude - and women tend to be more sensitive to this than men.

 

Start taking people as they are, and make some effort to see the positive in them.

:clap: :clap:

 

Although - it's AsPerger's

[newbie101]

Hi newbie

I'm female with possible Aspergers and to be honest I don't want to judge you for how you feel about women, if you have had bad experiences in the past with most women then it is likely you will feel this way about them, the fact that you are trying to change your views is a good thing. I don't know if I'm just generalising but I do think a lot of men find women difficult anyway because we are so naturally different to men and the same goes the other way, of course there are difficulties when mixing, autistic or not!

I think it's hard to find a good relationship anyway let alone being on the autistic spectrum but it isn't impossible, I think doing things that you find interesting and trying to get out there and do things you enjoy around others is a good way to start, try to meet your friends friends and see if you can meet females that way, I don't know about you but I would find it hard to socialise but it is a good place to start.

Can you go to any support groups near you, are there any women there you could meet?

 

Don't give up on us yet, you've had some negative experiences but there are plenty of positive experiences out there to be had yet!

 

Good luck

 

Well I can give an example of awkwardness around women, at work a few weeks ago a new female co worker (had started halfway through my placement) started wearing expensive perfume to work.

I did not like it (I am easily distracted by visual things and smells) and I was a bit of an idiot and told her that the perfume stank. She was ok about it (and yes I know that most women would tell me to get lost) and stopped wearing it. Another time was when she dominated a whole conversation about babies and kids (not a favourite topic of mine) I was awkward about the topic. Unfortunately I cope better in the workplace (where there are set rules and guidelines) that at university where it's anything goes in terms of dress, perfume, people, rather like school, except the sharks (people to avoid) are a lot smarter.

 

I used to do a lot of sports and had interactions with people, what happened was that whilst I was at 6th form I got on with my A-levels and ignored all the 'he's a bit weird' and 'he's a little unusual comments' and was able to get by without much social interaction. At University this was not possible (before I knew I had AS) and I pieced together the last 8 years worth of side comments about how I was 'unusual' and it really depressed me. Especially since I hated night clubs, bars, pubs, anything with large congregations of people without a clear aim. It was at that point I quit everything and focused on my degree. That was a low point, I did not know what was wrong with me and I could not fit in properly anywhere.

 

Now, although I do know my weaknesses and limits, I find that they pretty much mean that I can't cope (or can cope just hate) social gatherings of any people unless I know them well. I feign interest (something I have had to get good at which I hate in itself) in conversations and have gotten good at social nuances although I have to focus it will never be natural so I get tired and have to leave early.

 

Unfortunately at university I have learnt that extroverts thrive and introverts never get anywhere (unless they are super smart, rich, model like good looks) with women. Women do not care that you have AS all women care about is how good you are at charming them and if you can make them laugh. That's not prejudice it's largely true.

 

An example of how much I cannot cope with nightclubs was when I went on a night out with my sister and her 'sexually unsure' friend in Manchester, we saw Jack Whitehall walking down the street. We ended up in Crush (not my choosing but my sister's friend was apparently very good at talking to women). I hated it, far too many people and you could not move for the heaving crowd, actual dancing is not possible.

 

It was at that point that I realized that I am pretty much screwed in terms of relationships because:

I have tried internet dating and did not like it - women were either really weird, 'stringing you along' or for money only

I have tried the bar/night club pulling and cannot do it - no confidence and hate night clubs

I have no interest in societies or hobbies as uni work for Masters really has taken over my life

 

So basically I have little hope, and the most frustrating this is that I have been told that I am quite attractive, good voice, etc. so aesthetically fine, but my problem is all in my head, and I just cannot seem to change it. Frankly I wish I was homosexual as I find men a lot easier to talk to than women, and all the homosexual men I have ever met have been really friendly (not like that!), polite, little vain, but on the whole nice people

[newbie101]

Hello,

 

Well the reason I am judgemental is a defence mechanism, I can usually see through people quite easily (as I take people as they are) which normally leads to a negative judgement of people. Yes I do not account for the positives however the negatives can hurt you the positives cannot. It's a defence mechanism, and I evolved it after making a mistake with so called 'friends' at comprehensive. It has not let me down since and although I wrongly pidgeon holed a few people (including a perfectly nice by arrogant and vain girl who I disliked purely because she reminded me of a nasty girl at comprehensive) which I realize now was a mistake. The thing is that I can't help it, I am usually right, rarely wrong, just because I only spot the negatives does not mean that the negatives are not there. Again a lot of my problems stem from a rubbish comprehensive experience, no AS help, bullied a lot in the first 3 years, complete isolation for the next 2 years, the isolation part I learned more about people by shutting up and observing. I should have been home schooled

 

 

:clap: :clap:

 

Although - it's AsPerger's