Prud Report post Posted July 1, 2011 Hi Everyone, I am new to all this, I am 43 and currently being referred to a clinical psychologist with suspected AS & Bi-polar. Not a nice person to be around, especially for my family as my wife & daughter have left because of the lack of empathy I show and the very child like tantrums I have. Trying to come to terms that I may have AS but the overwhelming feeling I have is that I am just a bad person and that’s how I was made. Would like to here from others who have been diagnosed with AS in adulthood to see if I will be able to change or if it's just a label and nothing much else. Cheers Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mygifts1306 Report post Posted July 1, 2011 Hi Prud, sorry to hear that about your wife and daughter, living with AS is a very difficult situation. Please dont say that you are a bad person because nobody ever is. I am sure you will be able to get in touch with other people who had diagnosis as adults, i have been touched by asd in that my son who is now 8 was diagonosed with As at the age of 5, he has since got another diagnosis of adhd, i am hoping he can have a normal life somehow, please read tony ATtwood's books about asperger's syndrome. kind regards mygifts Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
philtfa Report post Posted July 2, 2011 Hi, I am 53 and recently diagnosed with AS. I sympathise, and even empathise, with your situation re your wife and daughter. I too have thought of myself as bad and have even been told that. My diagnosis gave me a reason for my past behaviour but that is all. Some change may be possible but I think it will be in learned ways of coping and reacting to other people. As I have got older I have learnt many ways to cope and survive but always close relationships are where it all falls apart. It is other people who have to change or at least understand. Now I know what I am I want to use that "label" to my advantage but haven't worked out how to do it yet! I hope it's not too late!! Being here is a start, there are are like minded people to talk and listen to. Good luck. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
philipo Report post Posted July 3, 2011 Just wait till dx time for starters.If it is asd etc then your still the same person but wiser,and you'll soon be giving yourself positive reinforcment when you realise how well you've done and understand how you have developed coping mechanisms to survive and, so far not to be misdiagnosed by a backward penny pinching health service.Self knowledge is the key asd dx or not.Its a new day everyday. philipo x .This is the best forum ,just rmember that many young people use it so don't mention sexuality or anger issues, xxx isability all the way.xxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Prud Report post Posted July 3, 2011 Thanks for the replies and the advice about what I should and should not post. Would not have thought about that. I am reading Tony Attwoods books at present and a few others. My sister got me on to Tony Attwood because she is lucky enough to live in Australia and she & my nephew will be going to see him again soon. ASD seems to run in our family. I am making changes to my life so I can cope better, one is by leaving my very technical job after 14 years. I obsessed over it so much that I could not think or focus on anything else and this has been a real problem for my family and for me too. I become the "expert" in all that I do and while that can be a real positive side of me, the job became a negative. I am setting up my own business from home and its going well, its a mix of technical and artistic processes which I think I need to have a balanced outlook on life. My wife is extremely supportive and while she needed to distance herself and my daughter from me (for their sanity) we are still very much a family. We just don't live in the same house at the minute. I know its a journey and for 43 years I have been parked is a layby going nowhere, I think I am now on the road if only in first gear. Thanks Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted July 3, 2011 Hi Prud, Welcome to the forum. I'm sure you'll get a lot of support here. Just to correct a possible misconception for the benefit of anyone reading this thread,"sexuality" and "anger" are not in themselves unsuitable topics for the forum and have been discussed many times. You can see if you browse the forum that a wide range of subjects are discussed here. Occasionally, individual posts may be removed or edited if they break the guidelines and rules, which you can see if you click on the link at the top right of the page. If you're in any doubt as to what's suitable to post, ask a moderator. Kathryn Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted July 9, 2011 I know its a journey and for 43 years I have been parked is a layby going nowhere, I think I am now on the road if only in first gear. Thanks Hello, I am 30 and recently diagnosed, I also feel that I have been "parked in a layby going nowhere". You are right, first gear is a start For me the diagnosis is changing the way I look at things, making me think of other ways of doing things and achieving things. It is a way of understanding myself in order to improve my life. BD (a member on here) says that some people use a dx (diagnosis) and it disables them, and that it should be a way of enabling yourself instead. I think this is the way to look at it. If you try to see how you can enable yourself to do what you want instead of looking at why your situation prevents that. Best Darkshine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) My ears were burning! Hi prud - just thought I'd come in to clarify what darkshine said... I know darkshine meant it the same way I mean it, but 'enabling' is a word that can mean different things to different people, and in the 'wrong' context can actually mean 'disabling', as in a dx can enable someone to absolve themselves of all responsibility for who they are and project blame for any negatives onto the dx. Another way enabling can be disabling is in the context of a carer 'enabling' a disability because (subconsciously or consciously) it fulfils a need in them or absolves them from taking responsibility for actions: i.e. a carer might project 'blame' for a child's behaviour onto a dx because that's less personally challenging than acknowledging flaws in their care-giving, or because it fulfils some sort of need (martyrdom, control, neediness etc) in them. Typically, grossly obese people and their 'feeders' would be different types of enabler, so it's a word that needs to be used with caution... TBH I did see potential elements of that kind of negative 'enabling' in your post, which is why I'd not posted earlier, but now i have i'll try to clarify: Not a nice person to be around, especially for my family as my wife & daughter have left because of the lack of empathy I show and the very child like tantrums I have. Trying to come to terms that I may have AS but the overwhelming feeling I have is that I am just a bad person and thats how I was made. By lack of 'empathy' do you mean 'consideration'? They're not the same thing, and regardless of the stereotypes they are not either exclusively 'autistic' behaviours or behaviours that can't be overcome because 'that's how I (you/he/she) was made'... Neither are 'childish tantrums' come to that... If you enable yourself to believe these are autistic traits you justify them. If you enable yourself to believe they are beyond your control you justify their continuation. And that will be disabling. Additionally, whatever the truth about your behaviours now and their part in driving your family away it is not as black and white as you seem to be suggesting. You either did not behave like that when you first met your wife (in which case you quite clearly CAN conrol it, if you feel you need to/want to), or if you did behave that way then your wife bought into it as an 'enabler', and has since ceased to have the needs that you once fulfilled, which while a positive for her is a negative for you but not something that is your 'fault'. As for how you treated your kids - they, sadly, were piggy in the middle in the adult dynamic (and possibly still are), and how you go about building bridges there (if you want to) will depend on their willingness to do so as well as looking closely at the adult dynamics they were subjected to... Don't be too willing to 'blame' autism for all the woes in your life, or to accept total responsibility for your broken relationships or to let your wife project her subjective account of your marriage onto you and 'it'. Remember too that autism is a lifelong condition - you can't have 'caught' it after you got married (though that's a possibility with regard to other mental health issues like depression etc if you happen to be barking up the wrongs trees with AS and bi-polar) - so wheteher you have it or haven't it, if it is affecting you in ways now that it didn't then, it is because you (or your wife) are allowing it to. Much more likely is that you and your wife have simply grown apart - either sharing equally in the 'blame' (for want of a better word) for that or perhaps with one wanting 'out' more than the other (the current scenario you describe suggesting your wife rather than you). That happens in thousands of marriages every year, and the guilt it creates leads to blame being projected into all sorts of areas that have absolutely nothing to do with the reality. 'AS' as an alternative to 'he (or she) just doesn't understand me' seems to be becoming increasingly popular, but the reality is unlikely to be that your wife is the reincarnation of Cassandra while you are the source of all her anguish, as some counsellors would be only to happy to tell you if you pay them by the hour. Hope that's helpful, and that if AS is a factor in your life you make the dx a positive rather than a negative. L&P BD Edited July 9, 2011 by baddad Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted July 10, 2011 My ears were burning! Hi prud - just thought I'd come in to clarify what darkshine said... I know darkshine meant it the same way I mean it, but 'enabling' is a word that can mean different things to different people, and in the 'wrong' context can actually mean 'disabling', as in a dx can enable someone to absolve themselves of all responsibility for who they are and project blame for any negatives onto the dx. Another way enabling can be disabling is in the context of a carer 'enabling' a disability because (subconsciously or consciously) it fulfils a need in them or absolves them from taking responsibility for actions: i.e. a carer might project 'blame' for a child's behaviour onto a dx because that's less personally challenging than acknowledging flaws in their care-giving, or because it fulfils some sort of need (martyrdom, control, neediness etc) in them. Typically, grossly obese people and their 'feeders' would be different types of enabler, so it's a word that needs to be used with caution... Yeah, your ears definitely must've been burning you finally understood me!!!! even if you did feel the urge to expand further!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted July 11, 2011 you finally understood me!!!! even if you did feel the urge to expand further!!! Hmmm... just because I might have said something about you that you agree with doesn't necessarily mean I finally understand you. It could be a fluke, or it could be that I understand you far more than you've been willing to acknowledge purely because the things I've said haven't been things you've wanted to acknowledge Don't see that as a negative, BTW, and don't assume anything one way or the other; just and enjoy it while it lasts! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
darkshine Report post Posted July 11, 2011 Hmmm... just because I might have said something about you that you agree with doesn't necessarily mean I finally understand you. It could be a fluke, or it could be that I understand you far more than you've been willing to acknowledge purely because the things I've said haven't been things you've wanted to acknowledge Don't see that as a negative, BTW, and don't assume anything one way or the other; just and enjoy it while it lasts! L&P BD Well I guess you misunderstand me in understanding me BD.... nearly!!! I meant that you understood me on this one point. That's it so far for today though. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. And tbh honest, I don't understand myself, so what chance you got? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
