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Maintaining longterm friendships

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I was wondering if others had problems with this and any tips on how I can avoid it in the future.

 

I've always struggled to make friends, but actually it hasn't bothered me too much as I like my own company and, when I do have friends, spend so much time worrying about getting it 'right' it's exhausting!

 

I have had a couple of people I would call friends over the last few years, but I've managed to mangle both relationships, but without knowing what I've done wrong. I worked really hard at both and had quite close friendships with people I felt I could trust and rely on but both have just fizzled out and I find that quite upsetting. :tearful:

 

I know that one thing which is probably an issue is that I'm not very open with people, especially those I would consider friends, because I'm worried about coming across as too self-centred. For instance in the last contact I had with someone she invited me to her house for a meal, I was in hospital at the time but didn't want to dwell on this/go into details/deal with sympathy so just said I couldn't as I wasn't feeling very well. She never contacted me again. :(

 

Do you actively work at friendships? If so, how? Or should a genuine friendship just 'work' without conscious input? :unsure:

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I have the exact same problem.

 

I did manage to stay in touch with my best school friend for about 5 years after I left school, but we eventually drifted apart and I've not heard from her at all for a number of years now.

 

I find it easier to maintain friendships with people who I see regularly. When I've left school and jobs, I have lost contact with most people I knew there.

 

I think you should work at friendships, but it should not feel like work. For example, you might go to see a film you are not interested in because your friend wants to see it. At the time it just feels like you are doing them a bit of a favour, you don't think to yourself, "I am watching this film because I am working on the friendship," it just feels like the right thing to do. But the result is that you have maintained the friendship by doing something together. I don't think you need to sit down and plan things that would help you bond. Having a shared interest is good because it gives you things you can do together that you both enjoy.

Edited by Tally

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I know that one thing which is probably an issue is that I'm not very open with people, especially those I would consider friends, because I'm worried about coming across as too self-centred. For instance in the last contact I had with someone she invited me to her house for a meal, I was in hospital at the time but didn't want to dwell on this/go into details/deal with sympathy so just said I couldn't as I wasn't feeling very well. She never contacted me again. :(

 

Did you contact her after this? It may be that she hasn't contacted you because she hasn't heard from you and may think you don't want to meet up. In friendships where i have usually been the one making arrangements, i do sometimes wonder if that person wants to be friends with me. Maybe you could contact her and suggest making arrangements to do something else?

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Well, I still try very hard to be friendly, but I have given up trying to have close friends, if you see what I mean.

 

For most of my life I so wanted to have a really close friend, but it always seemed to be me doing all the running. I used to go out a bit with the wife of my DH's best mate, always being the one to phone and arrange something. So I decided to stop to see what would happen...that was 6 years ago and I have never, ever heard from her again!! :lol:

 

On the down side, I know I no longer have any confidence over friendships, and I don't initiate any social things with people I like as I would have done in the past. Also, being very honest with myself, I struggle anyway with the constancy of close friendships as I can feel emotionally overwhelmed.

 

As I say, I have now given up but I am happy with my decision. I have my family with whom I am very close, and I have a couple of work colleagues who I know care about me. I go out maybe 4 odd times a year: Christmas and Summer work meals and maybe meeting a work colleague for lunch once or twice as well. But that feels OK to me.

 

And I am really looking forward to a Summer London Meet too! :D

 

Sorry, not much help really I know, because I've never been successful myself :wacko:

 

Bid :)

 

ETA: I know it's not really what you are talking about, Mumbley, but I do also value my online forum friendships with people like yourself, who have shown me great kindness over the years >:D<<'>

Edited by bid

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Friends are the things I miss most in life.

 

I've never really had any meaningful friendships. When I was younger it seemed easier to be on my own rather than struggle to communicate with people. But now I am older and very lonely my advice would be try, try, and try again to make and keep friends. Because you'll miss the friends you never had. Although I don't have any tips for how to do this!

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This might sound weird, but I set myself tasks for friendships!

 

I make a schedule of when I am going to contact my friends (i have 2-3 close ones) - so they expect me to call or email at that time every week! I do it to keep in regular contact and also to maintain my routine - there are obviously times where I can't do it or have to get in contact(or them with me) at times outwith the usual - but I've found it keeps the friendship ticking over for want of a better word.

 

The emotional reciprocity is always harder to navigate - knowing how much to make yourself available for things or how accomodating to be. One thing I tend to do is the 3 strikes rule where if something happens that doesn't sit well with me that the other person does I give them leeway 3 times before I tell them what they are doing and how it is making me feel and asking what their reasoning is behind it - all of this is done in the nicest way and means that if there are crossed wires there is a way to uncross them.

 

It's not failsafe by any means, I have been lucky enough to have people who are patient with me and know my idiosyncracies - and it's not been easy the whole time! But patience is the biggest thing to try and develop when it comes to having friends, and not being afraid to ask for clarification about stuff.

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I'm very much the same as bid, in that I have given up trying to have friends, it just doesn't happen with me. Does anyone remember Cagney and Lacy? You remember, during the theme tune, there was that bit where Cagney was looking in a shop window and Lacy was hurrying along and had to stop and come back to get her because she was in a hurry (bear with me, on this), Lacy grabs Cagney's sleeve and drags her along to get her away from the shop window. Watching that as a teenager, there was something about the intimacy of that gesture that used to break my heart, I used to pine for a friend that close, that I could feel so comfortable with that I could just grab her jacket and drag her off, does that make sense?

 

Well, I'm pushing 50 now and I don't have a friend in the world. Oh, I know people quite like me, but not enough ask me out on friend-like outings and I've come to the point where I just try to be friendly to everyone knowing that it will go no further. Having said that, I'd probably run a mile and break out into a massive sweat if someone actually did ask me out to lunch, I'd probably have a panic attack I'd be so nervous.

 

I think you get out of practice of being in social situations, I think it's something that you need to keep practising to stop the skills getting rusty. I think I've left it too long now, I've totally seized up.

 

~ Mel ~

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>:D<<'> Mel

 

I always longed for that close 'best friend' thing too...

 

I also panic about what I would do if anything happened to my DH. I wouldn't have a network of friends to support me, bring round casseroles, etc, like they always do in novels and films :(

 

And Mel, I always think you come across as a lovely person online, very kind and thoughtful >:D<<'>

 

Bid :wacko:

Edited by bid

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I also panic about what I would do if anything happened to my DH. I wouldn't have a network of friends to support me, bring round casseroles, etc, like they always do in novels and films :(

Have no fear, I'll bring you a casserole. :eat: On second thoughts, fear that greatly... :wacko::lol:

 

Mel - your Cagney and Lacy sketch is exactly what I would love. Maybe my expectations are wrong? It's what I have with my sister and I get so much from, but she's moving 10,000 miles or so away in just over 4 months, and it's made me realise what I don't have, and I'm really fearing being alone when she's gone. :tearful:

 

I often feel I get the early stages of friendship opportunities wrong and so don't have many opportunities to try and keep a friendship going. Then when I do, I fail! :wacko:

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>:D<<'> Mel

 

I always longed for that close 'best friend' thing too...

 

I also panic about what I would do if anything happened to my DH. I wouldn't have a network of friends to support me, bring round casseroles, etc, like they always do in novels and films :(

 

And Mel, I always think you come across as a lovely person online, very kind and thoughtful >:D<<'>

 

Bid :wacko:

 

Thanks, bid, that's really sweet of you. :D

My DH is my best friend also, I'd be totally lost without him, in fact, I don't know how I'd carry on. We're very lucky to have that, so many people don't. :D

 

~ Mel ~

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I'm very much the same as bid, in that I have given up trying to have friends, it just doesn't happen with me. Does anyone remember Cagney and Lacy? You remember, during the theme tune, there was that bit where Cagney was looking in a shop window and Lacy was hurrying along and had to stop and come back to get her because she was in a hurry (bear with me, on this), Lacy grabs Cagney's sleeve and drags her along to get her away from the shop window. Watching that as a teenager, there was something about the intimacy of that gesture that used to break my heart, I used to pine for a friend that close, that I could feel so comfortable with that I could just grab her jacket and drag her off, does that make sense?

 

Well, I'm pushing 50 now and I don't have a friend in the world. Oh, I know people quite like me, but not enough ask me out on friend-like outings and I've come to the point where I just try to be friendly to everyone knowing that it will go no further. Having said that, I'd probably run a mile and break out into a massive sweat if someone actually did ask me out to lunch, I'd probably have a panic attack I'd be so nervous.

 

I think you get out of practice of being in social situations, I think it's something that you need to keep practising to stop the skills getting rusty. I think I've left it too long now, I've totally seized up.

 

~ Mel ~

 

 

If I lived near enough I would love to come and practice social situations over a coffee with you.

I am in desperate need of practice too.

Near enough pushing fifty to qualify probably. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Karen.

Edited by Karen A

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If I lived near enough I would love to come and practice social situations over a coffee with you.

I am in desperate need of practice too.

Near enough pushing fifty to qualify probably. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Karen.

 

Cheers (*raises virtual coffee cup with virtual friends*) :D

 

~ Mel ~

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I also panic about what I would do if anything happened to my DH. I wouldn't have a network of friends to support me, bring round casseroles, etc, like they always do in novels and films :(

 

I'd bring you a casserole Bid, but it would probably be an M and S ready made one. :lol:

 

K x

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