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darkshine

Going Out

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This is my biggest problem I think - I have no independence outside - I don't go out alone - I have been outside alone - the latest thing is being left to go home by myself - I can ALWAYS get home.

 

When I'm outside alone it's like this:

 

Fast - too fast - too many things to check for and watch for...

 

Like the world swims in front of my eyes

 

It moves too fast, cars, people, too fast and too close.

 

Things are WAY TOO LOUD

 

I can't.................................breathe........................

 

My heart races, it pounds too fast, too loud, in my ears, thudding in my chest

 

I get very very anxious, tense, on edge - my whole body goes tight, my neck starts hurting like hell, my arms hurt too.

 

I shake slightly if I have to stop moving.

 

All the time I'm thinking, how to look normal, like them, like everyone else is doing, walk normal, normal posture, speed, head up not down, look at the world not at the floor, pretend it is all fine (my head screams it is SO NOT FINE - it is anything but fine!!!), don't stare, but don't glance around like a hunted animal.

 

THEN - on top of that I'm thinking - they are looking at me, they can see me, I want to fall in a hole in the ground, I want to be invisible, there's people in cars going past and people walking, sitting, standing, they are everywhere, they might see me and that's not good.

 

When it's really bad I look like a complete weirdo, I can't do the normal things I try so hard to do, I walk too fast, too far away from the road - even walking into plant branches to stay as far away from the road as possible, looking away from the road, looking for escape, using every back alley, anything to get away from the nightmare road and the hellish people on the pavement, and I look around too much to check everything, even worse is when it makes me cry and that's even worse - outside - and crying - I do not let people see me cry so when they do it's always really really bad cuz then I look a right wuss...

 

If I can't go out - how can I get anything else done? It's like being a child but worse - always needing someone by my side...

 

When I was a kid, I was always super aware of my surroundings and people looking at me, even as a teenager I nearly always used the back streets and hid in the shadows, but there aren't many places like that where I live now and it's gotten to the point where it is verging on ridiculous.

 

Night time is better - but I'm scared to go out at night in case someone attacks me or something...

 

How do you get not bothered by any of this?

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Hi Darkshine,have you thought of getting a dog? I know that's a weird comment,but it'd be company for you,I have a staff,I've had him since he was 7 weeks,he's 7 now,he's very protective,and hes my little mate to go down the shop with,and with a dog to focus on you may find things don't bother you as much,do you have a iPod or phone you could listen to on low while your out? Just a couple of suggestions,hope their helpful.xxxxx

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Hiya - I'm pml at the dog suggestion - see here A post by me about my dog (my comment is about 3/4 down the page)

 

:lol: I thought it was a good idea once too :lol:

 

I have an ipod - it's ok as a distraction sometimes - but can actually make me more stressed when I feel I need my ears due to paranoia - the biggest problem is what's in my head I feel - I suppose really the noise is the least of the probs - just mentioned it cuz it is a factor :)

 

I love staffies, they can be so sweet natured when owned by the right people :D

 

Regards

 

Darkshine

Edited by darkshine

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Ha ha ha oops sorry,ur dog sounds adorable but seriously hard work! It's a hard one isn't it? are you on any meds for paranoia? My sons psychotic and very paranoid,he thought people in cars were watching him or would want to hurt him,he's on risperadone now,and so much better.xx

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One of my meds is a sort of anti-psychotic I think - carbamazepine - which I keep limited at 200mg - however it has no effect on agoraphobia or social anxiety :( and I don't want to increase the medication I am on or add any more to what I already take.

 

I was kinda hoping people might have had to deal with some of these things and might have tips on how to manage this in a better way...

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The social/going out thing is a bummer.the noises are a bit daunting if your used to being inside alot.you just have to go out a few times and then you get more used to it.dining out is good,its usually quieter than a boozer/club and a good trianer for the social aspects.

i used to do sound engineering in clubs for years but was quite terrified of all the people(audience).In my early twenties i put my nerves through hell just to sart doing what I loved ,which is messing about with sound and lights/film.My love of it overode my fear of the social situations/people but even after years of it I'd spend litttle time talking to the punters and after everygig would pack up and sneak off home before the band/punters could bully me into going to the parties afterwards.when I'd get home at 2 am plus i'd sit in the livvy and savour 'absolute silence'.i used to feel really down that i was missing out on the human contact being people phobic,but, after a frw years i noticed all the 'happy people' or punters looking rather ragged from drink n drugs,and saw a lot do down with strokes and heart disease and was glad i was never pulled into the world of drink.

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Yeah I'm not big on drinking either, its a good idea to find the strength to do things through interests... I just find the whole thing impossible and that's not a great place to be - but the fact I don't want to live like this is a start.

 

I guess I was hoping that more people would have had this problem and had various ways to deal with it :(

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This is becoming a bigger and bigger problem for my son (age 10), and I am very worried he is going to end up a recluse.

 

Some ideas we have/are going to try are anything that cuts down the amount of processing eg. tinted sunglasses, and some kind of hat or hood. He's too self conscious to wear ear defenders now, so we are thinking of trying some music with earphones on - hopefully to block out some of the noise.

 

Have you ever been screened for tinted lenses? I know there is alot of debate about whether they work or not. But for some people the difference is immediate and amazing for them and really helps.

 

Apart from that, planning things at quieter times eg. go somewhere mid-week if the weekend is really packed. And try not to be so hard on yourself about needing another adult with you presently. It isnt your fault, you can force yourself. It is what it is. Take the pressure off yourself and see if there is anything you try (when out with your support), that actually helps you.

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Thanks Sally :D it has been a matter of pressing concern for me for the last couple of years (sometimes it gets easier and sometimes I bury my head in the sand and ignore the fact I'm living inside) the thing is that I now want to force myself to move on - it is going very slowly cuz I have so much to deal with at once that I can't deal with it all at once :blink:

 

I hope your son finds ways of coping with this while he is still at a young enough age to overcome the problem.

 

I know a big part of mine is confidence/self-esteem - when I'm with someone else I feel more confident and the issues seem more bearable - but I resent the dependency!!

 

I can plan for quieter times to a degree (the only guaranteed quiet times are at night: monday-thursday) I live near a seaside town and the numbers of people are unpredictable unfortunately (it'll get quieter a bit through october and november, but then you get xmas shoppers in december and jan sales shoppers so it'll get really busy again - the next quiet months after oct/nov will be feb/march - before the tourists come back :wallbash:)

 

I've not been tried out for tinted glasses - can't afford any just now anyway cuz my lenses cost too much to be thinned down - but I will mention it when I go for my next eye-test (when I have cash again :lol:)

 

Regards

 

Darkshine

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