MY STORIES

[berchukit]

THE VICIOUS ATTACK ON THE SUN

 

 

Just recently during the London riots yobs chucked fireworks at the sun, putting it out of action.

This plunged the world into darkness.

 

The sun's murder by hooligans meant that daylight couldn't exist anymore, so, the plan was to send the sun to hospital where it would have to have an operation to bring it back to life again.

 

The sun did in the end have an operation to remove deadly fragments that were stopping it from shining and to bring it back to life again.

 

Had the murdered sun remained in the sky it would have exploded causing huge masses to crash right down to Earth, engulfing the entire population.

 

Luckily the sun did have an operation so it could shine again. It also reversed it's murder, that is bring it back to what it was before it was murdered.

 

Whilst the sun was in hospital alternative arrangements were made keep the Earth alive.

 

Millions of light bulbs were installed in the Universe above the Earth.

 

The murder of the sun wasn't the only evil act committed by these yobs, they also dismantled a policeman as he tried to arrest him.

They took off his legs, head, arms, plus more, but made use of them after the demolition of the policeman, for the yobs used the policeman's head as a football, kicking it around the town. The hooligans even had a game of football where they used a human head (the policeman's head) as the football, kicking it down the street. They also made use of the copper's legs, using them as weapons to smash windows with, and his chest as a dining room table.

However the policeman got his own back for he re - assembled his own body by himself, picking up his legs, head, chest and arms then putting them back onto his own body.

 

It's amazing how a dismembered man could put himself back together again by himself, but he did it, for his body parts had a life of their own, that is, they could function independently of the man's body, this means that if a man's legs are removed they could walk on their own and human heads could even move on their own without the rest of the body.

Even the torso could have a life of its own for it could walk down the street without the rest of the body.

 

Now it's back to the rioters. They did torch buildings by chucking human heads through the windows after setting fire to them.

When the heads were set alight they let out a scream even though they weren't attached to any human body.

 

It's show's that human body parts, legs arms, chest and head can function independently and have a life of their own.

It's common to see a pair of legs running down the street on their own because legs can still run even after a man has had them removed.

Edited September 9, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

 

MAN GOING BERSERK IN FLAT

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of the residents in Goodboys Lodge decided to vacuum clean his flat. The cleanup was successfully done, but the machine needed emptying because it was very full. The machine was opened up and, ‘what a mess he created, all fluff over his trousers, shirt, carpet and floor. The rubbish, at least some of it was picked up and binned, but, ‘as the man tried to re – assemble the vacuum cleaner he ran into difficulties and went off like a madman, screaming, shouting and raving. The hullabaloo brought one of the support staff running up to see what it was all about. A ring was heard on the door and the scheme manager appeared.

 

“Hey you, stop that at once, you’re disturbing all the other residents. Any more of that and I’ll chuck you out of this flat and get the police to commit you to Bad Dog Hospital where they’ll detain you for the rest of your life”.

 

The vacuum cleaner was re- assembled and the support worker said’ “I’ll let you off this time but next time I’ll expel you from Goodboys Lodge and get you committed to the mind hospital in Rotten Egg Lane.

 

Goodboys Lodge is a support home that deals with mental health and older people. It has 24 flats, two with hole in the ground baths to prevent people from falling out of the bath as well as a shower above the toilet so people can have a bath whilst sitting on the toilet.

 

The communal lounge downstairs has a toilet to sit on whilst people are watching television so if they’re caught short this will save them having to get up from their seats.

 

The television has a built in drinks unit so residents can draw orange juice and other drinks straight out of the television set.

 

Every Friday there is a fish and chip meal served in a chamber pot and eaten on star shaped plates.

 

Now it’s back to the man who went off his rocker.

 

Bernard Inkman was prone to temper outbursts because of his autistic state. This could lead to complaints from staff and residents alike and result in the man being evicted from his support house for good. Not only that, he could end up in an institution where other people could ram pokers into his chest and pour milk down his ears.

 

 

 

[berchukit]

 

 

THE WORKSTATION

 

 

Once upon a time there stood a workshop by the side of a railway station platform. As soon as you got off the train, in front of you was a door that led straight from the platform. You went through this door and entered a factory, ruled by a brutal boss who forbade people to go to the toilet during work hours. If they did then he would send a big dog to fetch them and drag them back into the workshop. It’s no joke, he could bite.

Because going to the toilet was forbidden during work hours people had to hold it up until they couldn’t hold it up anymore, causing them to mess themselves. In fact a number of people did go to toilet in their trousers. This created such a stink that a few people dropped like flies, but the cruel boss wouldn’t lift a finger to help, in fact he shouted at the fainted workers to get up and work, but how could they, they weren’t conscious enough to do so. One of the managers saw everything the cruel boss was doing, so he had to intervene. He sneaked off to a shop and bought antibiotic air fresheners. Before you could know it the kindly manager walked in and sprayed the air with the penicillin air freshener to shut out the pong. The people who messed themselves had to wait until they got home, then they would chuck the stinking clothes into the washing machine.

Because of the risk of contamination from waste, buckets of disinfectant had to be poured into the washing machine, together with the soap powder and Calgon.

Now it’s back to the cruel factory in a station.

 

The boss, Mr. Fred Dung, was a tyrant. He made workers work harder than hard and not only did he outlaw going to the toilet during work hours he also made sure that there was no lunch break.

When lunch came you had to work whilst you were busy eating.

Food was brought to the workshop and loaded into huge cannons that protruded from the ceiling. A trigger was pulled and the grub shot straight into peoples’ mouths, a feeding machine in a cannon.

After eating you had to drink. Each drink was loaded into tanks and from these tanks the drink would go along a pipe and come out through a tap on the ceiling. The tap was turned on and the drink came out. People had to open their mouths and hold their heads up. The drink would then drop in their mouths straight from a drink tap on the ceiling.

 

The various jobs in this factory included making fish kettles’ egg bottles sardine bags, plus Rin Tin Tin openers.

 

 

Here are the rules of this factory

 

 

 

1. You have to be in by 9.89 every morning

2. Rub ice cream into your trousers to make them really strong

3. Shave your hair with a blow lamp

4. Make sure that you have tomatoes in your shoes

5. Don’t wear jackets they could harbour birds’ nests

6. Use ear wax to polish your shoes

7. No laughing during work otherwise the boss would give you the cane

8. Don’t wear shorts, your bare legs could contaminate the workshop causing dangerous germs to breed that could kill the other workers, even cause the lights on the ceiling to burst, showering the other workers with dangerous poisonous glass.

 

 

One man, Tom Legs, broke the rules and ended up in prison for two hours.

 

In the end one of the managers found out what the mad boss was getting up to and called the police. The boss got taken to prison for running a cruel regime in the factory.

 

A new boss took over, Mr. C.X Pong. He was also a strict boss, but his rules were different. Like his predecessor he also made sure that no one visited the toilet during work hours, but, ‘to prevent soiling each worker had a slop bucket installed in his pants. At the end of the day the slop toilet would be emptied into the main toilet.

 

A new manager Mr. Rot, was appointed, and took charge of the workers.

 

One day the minister for Rotten Smells, William Zed paid a visit to this workstation factory and saw stink bomb toilet cleaners being manufactured.

 

Next on the line was the underwater secretary, Zelda Fishpaste. She came to see what the workers were up to.

 

 

The crimes carried out by the former boss were exposed.

Here are some of some of the rules he laid out.

 

 

1. Every person is obliged to shave his beard off with a blow lamp

2. Don’t use the toilet or you’ll get sent to prison

3. Always make sure that there are beans in your ears ‘they will help you hear well.

4. Always carry a box with your teeth.

5. No laughing in workshop, if you do a man will come round and throw a bucket of lava over you.

 

6. No rucksacks allowed they could set the place alight.

 

 

 

Under the former boss’s regime each worker had to undergo a harsh examination by a doctor. The doctor would get hold of a head opener and take the top of your head off to look at your brain, and if so take the brain out and put it into the washing machine. Once washed the brain would be returned to its owner. Once returned the top of the owner’s head would be put back on. Once done the worker would have to have his feet vacuum cleaned so that the pong wouldn’t spread throughout the whole factory and set off a deadly odour bringing dangerous germs throughout the place.

Another thing, because of the former boss’s refusal to let anyone use the toilet during work hours even people with stomas weren’t spared. They were forced to work even when their bags were overfilling. As a result their bags fell off causing a real mess by sliding down their trousers and hitting the floor and creating an awful smell, the sort of things that a boss like Fred Dung could get up to. Because of this one of the managers had to get a nurse to see to the workers with stomas whose bags fell off due to overfilling. The boss tried to chuck the nurse out but was stopped by an undercover policeman. The nurse put a screen round because the workers had to carry on working despite being attended to by the nurse otherwise they would land up in jail.

 

“You should report that brutal factory boss to the police said the nurse to the manager, fancy letting this happen, allowing people with stomas to continue working even whilst their bags were getting too full until they fell off. He not only allowed workers to work whilst their bags were too full said the nurse he even forced them to work, until their bags were so full that they fell off. Even after the bags did fall off the mad boss still made them work with the result that stools were running all the way down their trousers and onto the floor creating a terrible stink, it shows what a cruel wicked boss he is. I heard that his name is Fred Dung, he deserves that name because he is a cruel wicked brute, hope someone lynches him. He should not make people with stomas work even whilst their bags became so full that they dropped off sliding right down their trousers and onto the floor spilling the contents onto the floor.”

 

The workers with stomas got cleaned up and continued to work.

This wasn’t the only cruel trick carried out by the brutal boss. One day he went too far and forced a man to carry a car into the workshop. As a result his body burst open, but the boss made him work, even with an open wound, and in the end died.

The other cruel things dished out by the boss were allowing vicious dogs to patrol the factory in order to prevent anyone from going to the toilet during work hours. The dogs employed by Fred Dung were Rottweilers.[/b]

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

Would you like to tell us anything about yourself and your connection to autism?

[Pancakemaker]

Loving it,very creative,a ray of sunshine.welcome.x

[Suze]

With Tally on this one.............hello welcome ...

[berchukit]

 

THE HINDHEAD TUNNEL MONSTER

 

 

 

The new Hindhead Tunnel opened as normal on July 29th but was attacked by a big dragon that swooped down from the sky, ripping it apart.

As a result of this many motorists ended up as a delicious meal for the big hungry dragon who gobbled them all up one by one.

The dragon then flew into Hindhead village and razed every building, causing people to flee in terror but the dragon caught them just the same and gobbled them all up.

 

The man eating dragon, known as the Hindhead Terror brought death and destruction to the whole area.

 

Scores upon scores of people, men,women and children fled for their lives to escape the dragon that was eating everybody by the score.

 

News of the dragon that ate people sent shock - waves throughout the whole community.

This was announced on Radio Punchbowl.

before long the shocking news reached the Government in London.

 

Now the plan was to send out troops to go and round up and shoot the dragon, known as the Hindhead Terror.

 

The prime minister said:

'I'm deeply shocked by this terrible tragedy.

I know from the fact that dragons can turn man eater whenever there's people about.

The sooner we round up the monster and kill it the better. We cannot afford to let people live in fear of being eaten by a monstrous dragon whilst going about their daily lives.

 

Another thing I'm deeply shocked about is the loss of the village of Hindhead which was completely destroyed by a dragon as it was looking for food, and that food turned out to be human beings.

 

"And the A3 Tunnel.

 

That was destroyed completely when a dragon swooped down from the sky and ripped it apart just to get at people in order to devour them whilst they were in their cars driving through the tunnel.

 

"Because Hindhead has been completely obliterated by a whacking great big monster we can't do anything to bring it back, so the only option is to return the whole area to nature."

 

Only one area escaped the dragon's reign of terror - The Devil's Punchbowl.

Edited September 11, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE DEVIL'S PUNCHBOWL TOILET

 

 

 

 

This is a toilet close to the Devil's Punch Bowl, deemed to be the biggest in the world, for the toilet is about five miles wide, 'used for visitors to the Devil's Punch Bowl who want to relieve themselves.

 

The Devil's Punchbowl toilet is a massive toilet bowl that can seat up to 500 people who have to sit down on this massive bowl which can reach up to a depth of two miles.

 

To prevent people from falling down into the whacking great big toilet, the biggest toilet in the world they are shackled to the side of the bowl with chains.

 

The toilet which is huge has to be flushed with 700 chains and five million gallons of water.

Edited September 11, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE CROWDED DINING ROOM TABLE

 

 

 

 

‘At the Fishbourne Day Centre people were bunched close together at the dining room table at lunchtime. So tightly packed they were that whenever someone tucked into a bowl of soup it would then spill right onto the person sitting next to him.

 

“You, you’ve ruined my trousers boy.

 

“I can’t help it, the table is so overcrowded”

 

“See how you would like it if ‘someone emptied soup all over you.”

 

 

 

A fight then broke out, with two men chucking food all over each other.

 

“Hey you, stop it at once said Mick Dungpile, the manager.

 

“He started it that Messer.

 

“The table is overcrowded said Simon Streetmap, one of the users.

 

“Oh, Poppycock, you’re making it up said the manager.

 

Get back on that table at once before I do my nut.

 

 

 

‘The overcrowded dining room wasn’t the only trouble at this centre for there was on other thing – the dinner money.

 

The price for a meal was £50. It shows what a scum the manager was. ‘But worse was to come for centre charge fees were to be introduced.

 

It would cost £45 per day just to attend.

 

 

 

‘The dining room table was meant to take only 12 people but 25 were bunched so close to each other on the table.

 

‘If you had to go to the toilet you were likely to knock the other person over because it was so grossly overcrowded.

Edited September 11, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE APPLETOWN RIOTS

 

 

 

Once upon a time, in the city of Appletown riots broke out.

 

Bottles ,bricks and stones were thrown, and in one incident a policeman's head was knocked off by a gang of hooligans, who then got hold of it and chucked it through a window. The yobs then picked up the head which they took from a policeman and kicked it down the street.

 

In turn other yobs grabbed hold of their victims and they too knocked their heads off, leaving them headless.

 

All hell broke loose as gangs of youths made off with a load of human heads which they took from their victims and played football with them.

 

'Fancy playing football with a human head. That's what the troublemakers did as they knocked loads of peoples' blocks off.

 

Kicking heads down streets and all over the place, then chucking them through windows became the pastime of these yobbos.

 

Not only that, loads of buildings were torched by chucking firebombs tucked inside human heads through the windows, which the yobs wrenched off from their victims, who could not defend themselves because they were left without their heads.

 

Of course you wouldn't expect people to defend themselves when they've got no heads on their bodies.

 

Of course no one in their right mind would knock off other peoples' heads and play football with them.

 

Anyone who steal's a man's head is a coward.

 

Even bombs started rioting for they threw themselves at each other, and lamp posts started to fight, even kicking policemen about.

 

Even the town park joined in the rioting, for it flew round the town.

 

In the end a number of arrests were made.

 

Yobs were muzzled and slung in cages hung from lamp posts so anyone could see what scum they were - the first yob zoo to exist

 

in the British Isles.

 

 

 

 

Arrests that were made included the town park which got arrested for flying around the town.

Edited September 11, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

TOM GREEN GOES TO RAMSDEN HALL

 

 

This is the story of a boy sent to Ramsden Hall because he was always unruly at school and at times skipped lessons and disappeared from his class whenever his name was called out on the register.

Once he swore at a prefect.

The prefect said:

"Wait till I report you to Mr.Bogod, the headmaster, he'll soon rough you up."

The unruly boy answered back at the prefect Derek Duckhead and in response marched the bad boy down to the head's office.

"The headmaster said:

"did you swear at the prefect.

"No I Didn't.

"Don't tell me a pack of lies said Mr.Bogod".

In reponse the boy got caned six times, that was in 1963.

"Right, said the head I'm sending you to boarding school, where they'll rough you up. Maybe this will teach you a lesson to show some respect.

"You won't get away with it this time, my boy said the head."

 

The head got onto the education board, saying that Tom Green was to be transferred to boarding school for unruly behaviour.

 

The letter arrived at the boy's home.

It said.

 

Dear Mr and Mrs G your son Tom is to be transferred to Ramsden hall for perpetual bad behaviour."

 

Tom Green didn't wnt to go to boarding school, but he had to otherwise he would get into serious trouble and end up in an approved school or a schoolstal, a borstal and school combined.

 

On July 26th 1963 the boy left Templar's School and had a six week holiday.

Come Monday ,September 11th, 1963 it was time for Tom Green to start his new school, but had to be on the lookout for danger, for at this school lurked a vicious bully called Skippy Bloggs.

He and his gang were the terror of the school and often footballed boys down corridors and chucked them in rubbish bins.

Tom Green was unaware of this because he hadn't yet commenced.

That was to be this afternoon, Monday September 9th 1963.

He got up that morning at 8.20 am, but had to be out of the house by 1.00pm because he had to be at boarding school by 3.00pm.

The journey to Billericay where Tom would be picked up by minicab started at Ilford station.

The train pulled out of the station and off they went, Tom Green and his parents' passing through Seven Kings, Goodmayes, Chadwell Heath, Romford, Gidea park, Harold Hill, Brentwood, Hutton and,

'Finally Billericay Station.

As soon as they got off the train there was a minicab waiting for them outside.

They boarded the cab and off they went, down Billericay Road, Horace Road, turning left into Norsey Road, then Ramsden Road (now Heath Road).

Before long they came to a slip road. Down they went along this road and up to the school gates.

The gates opened and along they went down the Driveway, the road leading to the school.

At last Tom Green arrived at his new school ready to begin a three year term of residential school life.

They got out of the car and in an instant the new boy walked through the front door and into the entrance hall.

In the hall there were blackboards showing a list of the dormitories the boys would be sleeping in.

It was 2.55pm, and in five minutes the coach would be turning up the drive bringing the boys back to school to start the new term after a six week holiday break.

 

Immediately, the new boy was taken into the headmaster's office where the boy himself had to be signed in to start a three year term of residential schooling, that is sleeping inside the school dormitory during term time, but would be allowed to come home on weekend leave once he had been here for six weeks because he had to be settled in.

The boy's parents had to sign a form stating that Tom Green was to reside here until he reached the age of 16.

Whilst the signing in was taking place the new boy started to yell, bawl and cry.

 

"If you don't stop your nonsense my boy I'll send you to bed said Mr. Fearnley, the headmaster."

 

The forms had been completed and Tom Green was ready to be settled into the school.

His parents said goodbye to him and left through the front door.

Tom saw them off and made his way into the dining room.

 

After tea the new boy went out to play but was set upon by Skippy Bloggs and his gang. He nad Billy Bosh, together with Pete Mug grabbed hold of the new boy and threw him across the car park where he landed headfirst into a hedgerow.

Two other boys Floatwyck Milk and John Wyrtlim saw what happend and said 'you better be careful, those bullies are monsters who often use boys as footballs and sometimes put them into cannons where they then fire them until they shoot across the playground and sometimes ending up on top of a tree."

 

However, worst was to come for Skippy Bloggs was planning to overthrow the headmaster and that that's what he and he gang did for that afternoon they burst into the head's office and brought about his downfall.

 

"Oh dear, Skippy Bloggs has overthrown our headmaster Mr Fearnley, said John Wyrtlim. Now that skippy Bloggs has seized control and set up a dictatorship, and taken over as headmaster we won't be safe, we'll be bullied everyday"

 

The boys were right, they were bullied everyday.

 

With Skippy Bloggs as the headmaster the boys were denied leisure and made to do hard labour every day with a load of lions watching over them all the time. If they refused then the lions would eat them.

 

With skippy Bloggs in charge Ramsden Hall was a real hellhouse and slavery was the order of the day.

Boys and girls were made to clean their teeth with knives and if they refused then Skippy Bloggs would order his gang to set fire to their hair.

 

In the end the boys ordered the sun to get rid of Skippy Bloggs and his gang.

They flew up to the sky and nabbed the sun.

The sun invaded Ramsden Hall and Killed Skippy Bloggs and his Yobboloid mob.

 

During skippy Bloggs' reign Mr Fearnley, the real headmaster hid under the floor boards. There the head found a safe haven.

 

After the overthrow of the Skippy Bloggs regime the sun brought Mr Fearnley out of his hiding place and restored him as headmaster.

Once the school was back in order the head was taken on a tour of the dormitories and was shocked to find razor blades inside every boy and girl's bed and broken glass deliberately strewn across the floor - all installed by the now dead Skippy Bloggs regime. This is because they wanted every boy and girl to suffer and be attacked by these sharp objects whilst they were in bed and when they got out of bed.

Many a times boy after boy and girl after girl ended up with cuts when they were forced to sleep inside beds loaded with razor blades, and often had cut feet when they got out of bed all beause the floor was boobytrapped with broken glass.

 

During Skippy Bloggs reign there were a number of casualties.

One boy grew nails on his head when he was forced to eat broken glass. Another boy lost his mouth when he ate the wrong food, and two girls had to have their heads removed because their brains fell out of their heads.

 

There were more casualties. One boy becane a man - eater when Skippy Bloggs chucked a tree at him and ended up eating five off his mates.

Another boy turned into a 20 - headed monster when a lion ate his feet.

 

Even the sun wasn't safe even though it was in the sky were Skippy Bloggs was planning to give it an operation so that it would shine the way it wanted to shine, but was stopped in his tracks by a rebel force, the same group of boys who latter on flew up to the sky and nabbed the sun in order to destroy the monstrous Skippy Bloggs clan, the gang who ruled the school with terror.

 

with Mr Fearnley now back in office as headmaster all was now safe.

Edited September 11, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

WARNERS SMOKESIDE HOLIDAY VILLAGE RESORT HAYLING ISLAND

 

 

 

 

This is a holiday camp situated in Hayling Island, Lambshire.

The holiday camp is well known for its open top chalets so sleepers could enjoy fresh air, but have to beware of birds flying overhead for they could poop all over you from above and straight into your chalet, with their droppings raining down on top of you as you sleep.

Many a times people in these chalets have had to clear bird droppings that came into the roofless chalets from above whilst they were sleeping, so it's advisable to use a sleeping bottle, a big bottle which you could climb into and nod off soon after putting the lid on top.

The sleeping bottles have holes in them in order to let in ventilation.

The bottles which measure five foot by two feet provide protection against being pooped upon by birds from above as the chalets have no roofs

 

The holiday camp smokeside has a theatre with swimming pool in front off the stage so theatre goers can have a swim whilst they are watching the show, for they could see the stars straight from the swimming pool.

 

The Avatar Coats provide the entertainment.

 

The nearest town to Hayling Island is Have Not.

Near Have Not is the village of Have.

Edited September 11, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE MAN WHO TOOK HIS FLAT ON HOLIDAY WITH HIM

 

 

 

Once upon a time it was decided that the time had come for the man to go on holiday, but he couldn't part with his flat so he thought up a plan,

"Why not take your flat on holiday with you, for you could be on holiday and at home the same time.

 

The next plan was to disconnect the flat from the rest of the block.

The flat was unbolted from Axmayes Lodge and lowered down to the ground by crane then loaded onto the back of a lorry.

The lorry had a passenger compartment at the front where the man and his cousin sat, but it was also a car station so the car which the man's cousin was driving could remain on the lorry until they got to Warners Duckpit Holiday Village in Hayling island, a holiday camp where people stay in their own homes which they have taken on holiday with them.

 

For lunch Tony Spitter and his cousin got out of the car inside a lorry and went into the Devil's Punchdrunk Bowl Restaurant in Hindlegs, Surrey, then they sped off and continued on the rest of the journey down the AA.3 road, towards Shavant, and crossing over into Hayling Island.

 

The holiday camp was in Dog Mess Lane.

 

Once at the camp the car was unloaded from the lorry and left through a hatch at the side, then the flat was undocked from the lorry and bolted into the ground.

Once this was done the man went into his flat (now on holiday) and had his tea.

 

Taking your own home on holiday with you had the advantage that you didn't have to pack your stuff into a suitcase for it was already there in your flat, saving you the ordeal on having to pack and unpack.

Also the other advantage was that you could take your own computer with you for it was already in your flat which you took with you on holiday.

[berchukit]

GOING ON HOLIDAY

 

 

 

 

This story is about the holidays in Hayling Island.

 

The route to Hayling island is along the A3, which passes the Devil's Punchbowl and the drinks that have to fill it, through Hindhead and Hindlegs.

Next, we branch out onto the TX3 road, which takes you through the villages of Zington and Dudworth.

Soon after we proceed along the road and come to Spoilton, a market town in Surrey.

We stop here for lunch in 'the Hairy Hounds' pub, in Manure Lane.

The pub has a rooftop car park with excellent views across the Surrey Moors.

As soon as we finish our lunch we all head off and get back onto the coach. We then leave Spoilton and continue our journey down the TX3 road, passing Appleton and Orangeworth, and past Dud's Farm, where there is a cows' road, a road in which cows are allowed to roam freely on, then passing a country pub where cows, sheep and goats are allowed.

The pub ' The Billy Goat' is owned by Trueboy's, and serve's custard beer and filthy lemon juice.

 

From the TX3 we branch off onto a dirt road made of horse manure, but, one thing, we all have to don gas masks to shut out the horrible stink coming from the manure dirt road in which the coach is travelling on, which can be hazardous in wet weather for the horse manure could suddenly shoot up from the road and hit the coach windows, splashing them all over.

 

Once we leave the stinky road we're all safe for we're now on the E45 road, the ideal road to be on when you have a rash all over your body.

The E45 takes you to Shavant, the town at the head of Hayling Island.

Once we cross the bridge we go along Smoker's Lane, past Dirty Face Farm and we take the road that brings us to Warner's Bighead Holiday Village.

 

There are load of chalets at this camp, such as The 'Pudding Face villas, a group of chalets where the door opens upwards.

There is a ceiling fixed television set in every one of these chalet suites, but in order to watch tv you have to lie on the floor as the set is on the ceiling, plus a diesel electric kettle and a shower by the side of your bed, plus a bed with a built in toilet, so if you're caught short you can then go to toilet without leaving your bed as the toilet is right inside your bed, tucked into the sheets. You then pull the chain which is right above your bed and the toilet in a bed gets flushed.

Once you have relieved yourself you then clean yourself up with a toilet brush.

 

Because each bed in the chalets has a built in toilet it has earned the nickname 'Stinky Bed'.

 

Some chalets are of the very lowest where you spend your holiday in the most primitive existence, just a soap box cart and nothing more, and a hole in the ground loo nearby where everybody can look as there's no privacy.

 

The entertainment in this holiday camp is provided by resident band 'Rotten Tomatoes'

 

'Rotten Tomatoes' are a pop group who are resident at this holiday camp and provide the cabaret every night.

Other bands who've appeared here are' The Tiny Little Underpants' and 'Grubby people.

 

There is a 'Dining Room'Tribute band called 'The Nasty Tasting Cereals, a band who play all the songs recorded by 'Dining Room, 'a five piece pop band.

[berchukit]

THE MAN WHO WENT ON HOLIDAY

 

 

 

On July 88th 1989 a man left his house to go on holiday.

The house knew all about it for when the man started to board his taxi it started to cry, tears streaming from its windows.

 

“A house crying said the neighbours, ‘I can’t believe my very eyes.”

 

As soon as the taxi left the street the house started to move and charge down the street, and as soon as it reached Gants Hill the house caught up with the man and tried to stalk the taxi. The driver got out and saw a house trying to get at its owner. He tried to fight it off but the house fought back, the driver then got back into the taxi and managed to break away and the man got safely to the coach stop, unaware that the house was following him - in fact it was going along the road.

A house going along the road caught the attention of every motorist.

 

The holidaymaker, Sid Muesli, got into the coach and it sped off.

The house tried to dive onto the coach to nab its owner but was stopped in its tracks when the coach darted off at great speed to dodge the mad building that was stalking it, but that didn’t work for all of the journey the house was following the coach, even on the motorway to win back its owner.

The coach stopped at Smacket Lane Service Station, and:

“As soon as the man made a beeline for the main service station to get to the restaurant the house tried to grab him but he managed to rush into the building. The house even started to climb into the window and managed to get in causing everybody to flee the building.

The crazy building literally bulldozed the service station to the ground.

The sight of a private house razing the service station to the ground just to get at its owner even took police by surprise.

 

“I can’t believe that a house could murder a service station said Pc Chicken, all because its owner was going on holiday.”

 

The holidaymaker managed to get into the coach in the nick of time as the house was trying to win him back.

 

Eventually the man arrived at Butterlins Clements Bay Holiday village, but as soon as he got off the coach the house swooped down and grabbed its owner and flew away back to where it came from – Gants Hill.

“You, you upset me said the house, how could you leave me, I don’t want you to go on holiday, because you’re mine said the house.

[matzoball]

Hi there - these are really fun to read - but can you introduce yourself maybes?

[baddad]

Hiya Bernard -

 

(hope you don't mind, but I googled berchukit as I too was wondering where you suddenly appeared from!)

 

Really enjoying your stories - very inventive and funny - but like many others I'd be interested to know a bit more about the person posting them. Not suggesting in any way that you should post your autobiography or anything like that, but perhaps you could post something about how you write your stories, where you get your ideas from or stuff like that? (and if you say 'by typing on a PC' or 'out of my head' I'll take it as a 'mind your own business'!)

 

I actually quite like the sound of 'custard beer and filthy lemon juice' (well not the filthy bit, maybe), but it could be an acquired taste(?)

 

 

Anyhoo, as I say, liking the stories and the stream of consciousness kind of feel of them, but an intro to the writer would be nice too... I'm also a little bit concerned that maybe some of the stories/names/scenarios might relate to things that have happened in your life... That's fine generally (all good writers draw on their experiences), but I hope you don't sail too close to the wind and end up treading on any toes or putting your own in jeapordy from potential treaders!

 

L&P

 

BD

[littleplum]

These stories remind me of the late great Ivor Cutler who used to enliven many an edition of John Peel's radio show.

 

I love surrealist humour.

[berchukit]

 

 

THE BOWLING TRIP

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day a group of people went bowling at The Bighead bowling alley in Ilford. Each person picked up a ball and threw it, but one person did the opposite, he threw himself at the pins at the far end of the lane and found himself being sucked into the conveyer belt that returns the balls to their pick up point. People got the shock of their lives when they saw a man come up into the ball slot along the conveyer belt.

To him the ball was his own body. The man had sneaked onto the lane and rolled himself down to the far end. Using his own body as a ball he knocked down the pins.

For his mischievous deeds he got banned from the bowling for putting the place in danger.

The man was lucky he could have been killed due to his stupid act, throwing himself at the bowling alley pins and being sucked under where the ball usually goes before it comes back. This wasn’t the only weird thing that happened here; some idiot threw a brick at the pins to knock them down instead of a ball, he would, because he was drunk. Not only that ‘he also tried to spit on the ball before he threw it.

The man got banned.

[berchukit]

THE DIAL A RIDE THAT BECAME UNRELIABLE

 

 

 

One day the Dial a Ride came five hours before the centre was due to open which meant that the member who attends that centre was dropped off there at 12.00, five hours before the centre was due to open, which meant that he had a wait for at least five hours for the centre wasn’t due to open at 5.00 pm so he went to Scorcher’s Café Restaurant in Chalk Road. He was in the café restaurant for two hours but even then he still had to wait a long time, another three hours to be precise. In this case Dial a Ride would then be called Dial a taken for a Ride.

To pass the time the man went around the shops for an hour but still had two hours to go so he went to Yoghurt Road Day Centre where he stood outside for two hours. The weather was so cold that the man turned to stone and broke up into pieces. A dustman came along and slung the stones into a dustcart but they thawed and they started to scream, and, ‘all of a sudden they assembled themselves and a complete man emerged – amongst the rubbish.

 

“Do you see what I see said Thomas Pudding, the dustman, a human being hidden amongst the rubbish. We put in a load of stones and a man suddenly appeared.”

 

The human rubbish explained it all. He said,

“I turned to stone and broke up into smithereens because it was so freezing cold.

“How can that happen man, that’s physically impossible.”

“But it did, that’s true.

“Get out of my cart Nutcase said Thomas Pudding”

 

The man hopped it and went straight into the centre. He explained that it was so cold that he turned to stone, broke up into pieces and a dustman collected him and slung him into the rubbish and when they found that the broken stones became him once more they slung him out calling him a Nutcase.

 

The centre’s manager said, “turning to stone is physically impossible, but in your case it actually happened.

Edited September 12, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE POWER CUT IN GOODMAYES LODGE

 

 

 

One day whilst a man was busy tidying up in the kitchen the lights suddenly went out. Not only the lights, but even the fridge felt the full brunt of the power failure, this meant that it had to be kept airtight because there wasn’t any power to keep the fridge cold; even the freezer lost its power, to keep food completely frozen, and if power wasn’t immediately restored all the food would rot away; in fact it was the eggs that did, which meant that by the time power was restored two hours later it was too late the eggs had died, and when the fridge was opened the man who owned the flat got more than he bargained for, for the rotten eggs started to discharge and, ‘all of a sudden spewed out poisonous gas. Overcome by the stinking eggs the flat owner made a beeline for the flat door, but too late, the poisonous gas from the decomposed eggs escaped into the surrounding rooms filling it with dangerous gas. The’ fumes from the rotten eggs in the fridge’ was so foul that the man collapsed and died for a few minutes. As quick as lightening he ran to the door and ran out to tell the manager about the rotten egg poison filling his flat after it escaped from his fridge, but, even as he opened the door the poison spilled out into the corridor and invaded other peoples, even into the whole building, eventually invading the manager’s office. As quick as lightening she ran out of the room like a shot. The flat owner Ian Jam explained what happened, that rotten eggs in his fridge started to discharge and spilled out a dangerous gas that escaped into surrounding rooms and that it nearly killed me; not only that, when I opened the flat door the gas escaped into neighbouring flats and the whole block.

“Right, I’m going to evacuate the whole flat and re - house the tenants until the block is fumigated because it’s so poisonous that even a whiff could kill.”

Health inspectors were called up to the flat wearing breathing apparatus and emptied out the whole fridge. To prevent dangerous disease all the food in the fridge and freezer had to be chucked away. The whole fridge was cleaned out with carbolic acid to kill the noxious germs.

It was two weeks before all the tenants moved back into Goodmayes Lodge.

Eventually a warning was issued to tenants not buy eggs after what happened because they could become poisonous during a power cut; not only that, the worst scenario is that even monsters could hatch out of the rotten eggs and eat the owner, so the support officer suggested that people should grow their own eggs in the allotment.

Edited September 12, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

 

THE WASH BASIN THAT GOT STOPPED UP

 

 

 

One day In Fishbrook Day Centre ,one of the members went to wash his hands when all of a sudden the wash basin overflowed and flooded the toilet out. One of the staff Mr Fred Broker came in and was shocked to see a bird laying its eggs in the pipe leading up into the wash basin. He found the culprit – one of the members. His name, Joe Slammer. He was ordered to put his hand down the sink and pull the bird out from underneath.

The huge flood that the overflowed sink had caused resulted in computers drowning and giant six inch wide ants crawling into the centre’s rooms. One of these insects crawled up onto the office desk and gnawed its way through a computer.

Eventually the culprit was expelled

The expelled member ended up in another day centre- Redbridge Dropout in Gordon Smasher Road.

Redbridge Dropout was a day centre for no good people. It had a toilet with no wash basin, just a tap on the wall and salt to wash your hands with. The toilet flushed only once a day and took 24 yours to fill up so the user had make do with a tree as a toilet.

The dining room was very basic, no table, no chairs, you had to eat your meal sitting on the floor, served on a table mat instead of a plate, and the lunch money cost £400. Even to drink water you had to pay and that would cost anything up to £150, it’s no wonder everybody was so thirsty all day because drinking a glass of water was a luxury that only a millionaire could afford at the Dropout Centre.

In desperation a man put his mouth into the soil and drank the water, and that contained earthworms so he got hold of a vacuum cleaner and put it into his mouth to suck the worms out, so the only solution was for it to rain, and when it did he grabbed every raindrop that came down, by opening his mouth, but had to pay a fine for the air was private property. Even to breathe outside in the open air was a crime. You had to wear an oxygen mask so that you wouldn’t have to breathe in private air.

Because lunch was so expensive many members had to eat the floor leading to many holes forming.

Even the members’ own bodies were the property of the crown.

Even to touch your own body was a criminal offence for your own body didn’t belong to you, it belonged to the government.

[berchukit]

 

 

DAY CENTRE CHARGES

 

 

 

Day Centre admission charges are to be introduced at Den Bundle Day Centre in Gants Hill.

 

You will be asked to pay a fee of £100 per day just to attend.

 

Not only that dinner money is also to go up at this centre, rising from £5 to £50.

 

Other charges to be introduced are a fee of 50p just to get a glass of water from the tap, and £3 just to make yourself a cup of tea.

 

You will also be obliged to pay £2 every time you go to the toilet.

 

 

 

 

Even reading a newspaper won't be free anymore at this centre, for every time you read the newspaper you will be charged £1 by the manager who's in charge.

 

 

 

 

Tea money is also to be introduced every time you go to the sink and make yourself a cup of tea.

 

Even sitting on the settee and armchairs will cost you something, for every time you sit down on the chair you will be charged £1.40.

 

 

It would be better to stand rather than to sit for it could save you money.

 

 

 

 

Another rule being introduced is a compulsory log in and log out system which means that in order to leave the centre you will have to sign your name, sex and how tall you are.

 

Not only that, you will also have to pay a fee just to leave the centre when home time comes otherwise you will have stay overnight at the day centre, which means that your next of kin would have to come and collect you and pay your exit fee.

 

The exit fee is £4.50, just till knock off in the afternoon.

Edited September 15, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

MOTORWAY NEWS

 

 

 

The go - ahead has been given to build a new motorway called the M.000. It will run from Kingston - upon - Toilet to Portsham, a city next to Portsmouth.

 

This was announced by the British Transport Corporation today.

It will relieve congestion on various triple carriageway roads coming in and out of London and will run through the Hindhead Tunnel.

This could result in the A3 road having to be abolished.

Because of the destruction imposed on the Surrey Landscape by this monstrous new motorway various towns and villages will have to go to make way for this 500 lane motorway.

This includes Guildford.

This city will be razed to the ground to make way for this massive motorway, but do not worry, a new Guildford will be built - where Havant now stands resulting in Havant having to be demolished to make way for this new city of Guildford - the first time that a Surrey town has been shipped to Hampshire.

 

The new Guildford (now in Hampshire) will be a massive metropolis stretching for 50 miles, resulting in a lot of towns and villages being swallowed up by this massive city.

This does mean that Rowlands Castle will become a suburb and town in the new massive city of Guildford.

Even Fishbourne where the Roman villa is won't be spared for it could become a town in the conurbation of Guildford.

Edited September 15, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE NEW THAMES TUNNEL

 

 

 

The go - ahead has been given to build a double deck tunnel under the River Thames.

 

Motor cars will be able to exchange tunnels, going up a special ramp which link's the two tunnels.

 

This was announced by the London City Metropolitan Council.

 

The two tier tunnel, linking Southwark with Northwark on the opposite side, will relieve traffic congestion.

 

Northward is a busy town in between the City and Westminster and comes under London City Metropolitan Council.

 

The tunnel will be in between London Bridge and Tower Bridge.

 

Once the Tower Tunnel is built Tower Bridge will be removed and built, mounted on top of London Bridge, making it the first multi - Storey Bridge in London that is two bridges in one.

Edited September 15, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

GOOGLE NEWS

 

 

Following the success of Street View on Google Maps, the next project is Toilet Bowl and Sewage system View.

People will be able to take a virtual tour inside a toilet bowl as in street view, going for a ride down the S Bend and finding rats nests right at the bottom where the toilet joins the sewer.

From here the sewage system view will take you down a sewer and into a drainpipe filled with sewage fish.

 

This isn't the only project for there could also be another addition to Google, a program called YouFish, a Fishy version of Youtube.

[berchukit]

SOUTHEND COUNCIL NEWS

 

 

1. Southend City Borough Council has given the Go - ahead to build a new multi storey pier.

It will be 20 miles long, making it the longest pier in the whole world.

 

The pier will start from Southend and go all the way down the Thame's estuary, terminating at Margate, the first case of it's kind of a pier connecting two seaside resorts together.

 

The new multi - pier will replace the present pier, which will then be transferred to a retirement home in Clacton.

 

The new pier will have hotels, hospitals, holiday camps, shopping malls,

plus many more.

 

There will be a number of connecting piers which will branch off from the multi - storey pier and connect the mainland across the water.

 

2. A fleet of new buses is being introduced by Southend City Transport

 

 

The new buses are triple decker buses, designed to increase

capacity so that the buses don't get so overloaded during rush

hours.

This especially useful when there are loads of school kids coming

home from school.

 

The new buses are Leyland Dumplings and have twelve doors, two

drivers and guards posted on board in case people end up eating

each other.

 

the buses use oyster cards, which mean's an oyster that double's up

as a bus pass.

To start with, before you use the oyster card you have to eat the

oysters, that is shell fish.

Once this is done you then use the shells to take with you onto the

bus then press it onto the driver's face, then it's off you go, and

hope you have a nice ride.

 

Don't forget, once you leave the bus please take your feet with you

because if you leave your feet on the bus you won't be able to

walk, and have to be dragged home in a wheel chair.

[berchukit]

THE OLD A3 ROAD TO HINDHEAD

 

 

 

Now that the tunnel is open plans are being made to chop up and remove the old A3 Hindhead road and send it to a retirement home where it will spend it's remaining years, being looked after by specially trained nurses who will make sure that no motorist will ever set's foot on it and use it as a shortcut, the reason:

 

"Because if anyone drives on this extinct road the shock could kill it.

 

The old A3 road is now a pensioner.

Edited September 15, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

 

THE NEWS

 

 

 

1. You've already heard about Google Maps, Well Folks! there could soon be a new addition - Goggle Maps, specially designed for people who wear Goggles, that is glasses.

 

 

2. A new cereal called Smellies could soon be on the market, so - called because when you open the packet the cereal let's out a horrible smell, but'

:Don't let the pong put you off because Smellies is a terrific cereal, a type of Shreddies with stink bomb gas added to it to make it smell horrible.

 

 

3. The pop group 'Dirty Napkins' are set to become the biggest act of all time.

they've just released a single called 'Falling in Love with a smelly sausage'.

 

Dirty Napkins are a five piece band who come from Andunder, Hampshire.

[berchukit]

THE PIER THAT BURNT DOWN

 

 

One day a pier burnt down due to some giant hooligan up in the sky chucking a burning sausage down from above. He was eventually caught by a policeman who lived in the universe, but not before a mad pudding attacked a couple of people walking on the pier whilst it was burning. The pudding which lived in the sea was a man eater. Not only that he once stabbed the sea and murdered a boat coming along. The fire was eventually put out by a man who blew on the pier. The pier was so badly damaged that it got taken to hospital and put in the burns unit.

A big long cucumber was erected in place of the pier. People walked along the cucumber, ‘but a warning:

“Don’t let hungry people onto this cucumber pier for they could eat it, causing walkers to fall into the sea and be consumed by underwater trees.

 

The pier that burnt down was Southend pier.

It's had a number of fires during its long history and has had to be hospitalised several times to treat burns caused by the fires.

 

Southend pier has five children, two sons and three daughters,'all piers.

 

There is a pier called Southend Junior.

It's a pier that's only ten foot long.

 

The shortest pier in Southend is only two foot long.

It's in Shoeburyness, which is near Bootburyness.

Edited September 16, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE DAY GLOBAL WARMING WREAKED HAVOC ON GANTS HILL

 

 

One day whilst people were waiting fro a train an underground tidal wave ripped through the surface and with its full force caused the station to wrench from its moorings. The station was ripped out of the ground and tossed right up into the air, people waiting for a train on the platform but just the air and the road down below, no trains and railway track, it had, together with the trains been knocked flying right up into the air. The tube trains were also knocked flying and landed right on top of a building in Cranbrook Road with the people trapped inside it.

Where Gants Hill once stood was a huge crater.

The Eastern Avenue also was huge crater after the trains ripped through and got tossed up into the air.

Emergency supplies had to be delivered by helicopter because all roads were now vast craters. One helicopter did however rescue people from tube trains stranded on top of a building in Cranbrook Road which had disappeared into a huge hole. That wasn’t the only thing, huge snake- like monsters with many heads came up through the vast craters and started to eat loads of people. Next a heavy shower of lava rained down on Gants Hill killing everything in its path, even the multi- headed snake monsters.

Eventually all the seas dried up and the Earth was now one vast scorched desert. Not only that, a huge snowstorm suddenly appeared and before long the snow had covered a depth of 500 miles. But, ‘in the wake of all this a new breed of human appeared who could withstand temperatures as high as 1000 f.[/b]

[berchukit]

THE DAY ILFORD TOWN HALL GOT DEMOLISHED

 

 

 

 

One day Ilford town Hall got demolished to make way for a big long bath that was needed for people who washed every 250 years.

At the far end stood an enormous man whose job was to throw bathers into the bath.

 

Here are the rules that you need before you use this bath.

 

 

 

1. Every person has to wash himself in custard until his skin

as smooth as a toilet pan.

 

2. Drink plenty of disinfectant.

 

3. Wash your hair with sandwich spread.

 

4. Take your head off and microwave it. This is to make it fit

enough to use by the time you’re ready to have your bath.

Once ready take your freshly cooked head out of the

microwave and return it to your body.

 

 

5. Forget about Ilford Station because it no longer exists, otherwise the bath will vanish and you’ll find yourself having a bath on the railway line.

 

 

 

 

The big long bath, approximately 1000 yards long was an enormous success.

Year after year people flocked to Ilford- On- Bath, as the resort was called, to take the plunge in the monster size bath.

 

 

The whacking great big man who threw people into the bath was the bath attendant. He weighed 200 Stone.

[berchukit]

THE FOOT LOCKER

 

 

 

One day a man bought a foot locker, to put his feet into before he got into bed. This was to make sure that his feet were safely locked away, but he had to be careful for his feet could melt to bone as they weren’t attached to his body. To prevent this he had to spray the inside of his locker with foot powder.

If the man needed to go to the toilet he would borrow his dog’s feet and put them on his legs.

 

The foot locker, which means a locker in which a person puts his feet into, wasn’t the only strange locker for he also had a head locker. He used this to put his head into. Shortly before he got into bed he took his head off and locked it away in the head cupboard (head locker).

The man, Tommy Onions, kept two spare heads in his house and five pairs of feet.

All of a sudden a scream rang out from the foot cupboard.

The feet started to scream. The locker was opened and the feet lunged at the man kicking him in the head. In fact the feet kicked the man so hard that his chest flew off. He had to call a chestrician to repair him. However, the repair job did more than put his chest back on his body. It did however go bad for a head popped out of his chest and it had nasty fangs that were going to fly up to his head and bite him to pieces but were stopped by a loaf of bread that existed inside the man’s pillow.

The head in a chest got killed and all was good soon after.

[berchukit]

THE BASHERPACK

 

 

 

 

 

One day a man wearing a backpack accidentally hit a woman in the Harvester Pub in Beehive Lane.

 

"That man hit me with his bag said the woman".

 

 

 

The man Bernard Tismansion, the man whose bag laid into someone sitting on the table in front, was with a group of people from the Duckpond Day Centre in Clarence Avenue.

 

He had come here for a meal.

 

 

 

The member of staff in charge said that the bombardment off another customer was an accident.

 

"He did it on purpose that man, why don't you send him somewhere else"?

 

 

 

Immediately the woman with her husband walked out and was about to hit the basher but was stopped from doing so by the member of staff.

 

This incident put Bernard Tismansion off his food and when served ate hardly anything all because of the woman who was hit by the man's bag.

 

he immediately paid and darted out of the restaurant and ended up walking down th street looking downwards, taking no interest in anything.

 

In fact he walked home because he couldn't be bothered with buses because they contained people.

 

And, when he finally got home rushed up to his flat and pulled both his computer and television out of the wall sockets because of the woman in the restaurant who had a go at him for hitting him with his bag.

 

In fact he had no supper because of the hostilty from that woman who got hit with a rucksack.

 

At night he slept on the floor because he was no good for anything.

 

the man did not eat anything for two days.

 

he was off his hobbies for two weeks.

[My Stories]

MICHAEL DEN DAY CENTRE NEWS

 

 

 

 

Fees have been introduced at Michael Den Day Centre, Clarence Creep Avenue Gants Hill.

Each day every member will be required to pay a fee of £12.50 just to attend, plus £2 every time you visit the toilet.

 

People who arrive 30 minutes late will be required to pay up to £20 attendance fee.

Other fees include 12p just to lay the table for lunch and 20p just to say the blessing before you eat.

Even sitting down at the dining room table won't be free.

Just before you sit down for lunch you will be charged 34p just to sit down at the dining room table, and if you swear you will have to put 50p into the swearbox on the dining room table.

 

Here are a list of all the fees that you have to pay at Michael Den Day Centre.

 

1. Admission charges £12.50

2. Going to toilet £2.00

3. Arriving at the centre late £20.00

4. Laying the table 12p

5. Saying the blessing before you eat 20p

6. Lunch money £23

7. Second helpings at lunch time £5.00

 

The lunch money is £23.00, but if you have a second helping you will be required to pay an extra £5.00

The other fees are £2.00 just to sit on the settee and 30p just to wash your hands.

There's also an exit fee.

Just before you leave you will be required to pay £8.00 just to leave the centre to go home, if you haven't you will be required to stay at the centre until a relative can raise money just to get you out of the centre at home time.

Edited September 18, 2011 by My Stories

[My Stories]

THE MAN WHO BROKE A PLATE

 

 

 

Kevin Nobody was washing up one night when, "all of a sudden the plate fell out of his hand and landed, "Smack, Right on the floor shattering into many fragments. He managed to use a dustpan, but the fluff in the pan suddenly flew up to to his face causing him to sneeze, so hard that it caused a powerful tremor.

 

In fact the force was so powerful that the cupboards burst open and all the crockery flew out landing, smack, on the floor, with the result that they all got broken, shattering into a load of fragments all over the kitchen floor. In fact some of the broken pieces of plates ,cups and saucers flew into the dining room.

Meanwhile, outside,

People walking to their flats got thrown to the ground in the corridor due to the powerful tremor caused by a man sneezing so hard. The carer, Edna Plate, went up to investigate to see what it was all about. As she walked into the man's flat she saw a load of broken crockery on the floor as well as knives, forks and spoons, but as she tried to piece together what it was all about the man started to sneeze, so powerful that Edna plate got thrown right across the room.

 

 

"You, you've gone too far this time.

I know what I am going to do, I am going to call the police.

I'm afraid I can't take it anymore, with you sneezing like that, you blew me across the room.

You're just a dangerous person who should be locked away."

 

 

The police came, bundled the sneezer into the a van and drove off to a prison where the man got locked up for 50 years.

His crime:

Sneezing dangerously with the force of an earthquake.

By the time the man was released from jail he was returned to his flat, but his carer Edna Plate had shrunk to only two inches tall due to advanced age.

Edited September 18, 2011 by My Stories

[Tally]

Berchukit/My Stories, you need to stick to the one username please. Please let us know which account you would like deleted.

[berchukit]

THE RIOTS IN BOOT HILL

 

 

A gang of men set fire to a factory on stilts

The factory let out a yell.

Police appeared on the scene and arrested the mob who tried to murder the factory.

eventually the mob get put into chains and caged.

Nuts and bolts were fed to the prisoners who were in a prison known as the human zoo.

meanwhile in Boot Hill further riots took place.

Children started to throw dinner plates at passing vehicles and babies pushed prams over and attacked lamp posts.

 

A gang of men as big as elephants fired bows and arrows at teddy bears who went on the rampage and hordes of tape recorders started to play football when any driver told them to get out of the road.

 

Not only that, bombs threw themselves at each other and two buses bit each other.

 

It was a real sight to see such rioting.

 

278 arrests were made.

The things arrested included lamp posts , new - born babies, flies, youths, especially youths with two heads, entire shops, and telephone kiosks.

 

nothing in Boot Hill was immune from arrest.

even the town park itself was arrested - for flying around the town.

 

the riots in Boot Hill started when a baby fell out of a shopping bag and kicked a policeman up to the sun.

The sun started to cry and this got the mob into a temper.

In the end the baby got sent to prison in Chalk Box, a street on the outskirts of Boot Hill.

[Pancakemaker]

Thank you! <'>

[berchukit]

THE MAN WHO CHASED A LORRY

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jimmy Spit chased a lorry because it swore at him.

the lorry which had two protruding eyes drove itself on end and carried headless soldiers.

 

In the end a five - headed policeman got hold of Jimmy Spit for frightening the lorry.

he got sent to a dog's prison on the Isle of Boy.

He had to serve a million year sentence.

 

The prison where Jimmy Spit stayed had floorless cells.

 

The prison warder, a dustbin on legs was very strict, and ordered the prisoner to bite the brick wall.

 

Another form of discipline was, 'that prisoners had to break rocks with their bare hands.

Any prisoner failing to do so would be made to eat cement.

 

Another rule was, that it was forbidden to smoke earth.

Any prisoner caught smoking earth would have his moutth stuffed with pillorboxes.

 

 

One day a prisoner called Dirty Soap put a cigarette lighter into a prison warder's ear. The prison warder, George Tin 'O' Paint caught him and caned him with a fish. Dirty Soap was then sent to Grisly Remand Centre in Crashire.

At his prison every prisoner had to do press ups on a floor saturated with super glue.

After he did press - ups the prisoner was put into a bath full of bees.

This was to make sure that he did what he was told. After that he had a shave on the dining room table whilst he was eating in front of other prisoners.

Soon after he had a shave Dirty Soap bashed a loaf of bread that danced on the dining room table.

The bread, terrified out of its life, ran out of the dining room and met a lump of sugar that got punched and kicked by a prison warder.

 

"I got beaten up by Dirty Soap said the loaf of bread"

"We'll sort him out said the lump of sugar."

 

So, both of the inmates searched for Dirty Soap, and when they found him they bashed him on the chops.

Next, there were pitched battles being fought in the dining room.

 

Potatoes fought eggs, chairs kicked prison officers, lamp shades drank milk and prisoners took off their heads.

 

One day whilst a man was eating his dinner the dinner plate jumped up and threw itself into the man's face.

The prison warder, Mr 1-2-3 nabbed the mad dinner plate and booted it up to the sun.

 

Soon afterwards a knife grew on he sun, causing it to fly.

 

The sun flew away to a school where fish were taught how to play football.

 

every football had gravy inside it to make it strong.