MY STORIES

[berchukit]

THE DAY A LOAD OF YOBS ATTACKED A SUPERMARKET

 

 

 

 

 

A gang called the Bog Men held up a supermarket.

Armed with guns they burst into the big shop and shot loads of people and goods including food.

 

Five packets of cereal ended up dead as they were peppered with bullets.

 

The terror gang then went on the rampage and smashed tills. They then set fire to the supermarket.

Crying in pain the injured supermarket got up on it's feet and chased the gang, but collapsed.

the ambulance came and took the supermarket to hospital.

It had to have an operation to remove the fire that was embedded in it.

After surgery the supermarket got put into the recovery room where bananas stuck out of the ceiling in order to make sure that the supermarket did not run away for fear that it may burst an discharge brains whilst it was ill.

 

The search meanwhile went on for the yobs,

the so - called 'Bog Men' who badly injured the supermarket.

The Bog Men were eventually caught, stabbing the sky.

A gaping hole was left in the sky which needed stitching up, so, men armed with needle and thread flew up to the sky and stitched it up.

 

In the end the 'Bog Men' were sent to prison and put in cells where they had crocodiles surrounding them.

If the yobs tried to escape then the crocodiles would eat them.

 

Three months later the supermarket left hospital and was moved to the edge of a cliff because it was safer than the High street.

It made history because it was Britain's first cliff top supermarket.

to prevent it from falling over the edge of the cliff coastguards put knives around it.

 

Occasionally, in the event of a landslide the supermarket was put on the beach or it was thrown into the sea.

Once in the sea only fish could buy at the supermarket.

 

Things sold at the supermarket included seawater, elephants, rivers, heads (human and animal), dinner plates with holes in the middle, double ended forks, garden spoons and Earth.

[berchukit]

THE MAN EATING POTATO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time a giant potato went on the rampage eating up any person who got in it's way.

 

The potato brought terror to London.

 

This mad vegetable once burst into a school playground gobbling up 20 children.

Terrified out of their lives the remaining children rushed into the school to raise the alarm.

They knocked on the headteacher's office and told him about the man - eating potato.

The head rushed downstairs,

And,

"What a shock he got.

there was the giant potato barging it's way into the assembly hall.

So Mr News, the headteacher got out his rifle and shot the potato dead.

Edited October 12, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE DAY THE BUSES RAN WILD

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day in the middle of the week whilst people were waiting at the bus stop two London buses running up the wrong side of the road suddenly jumped onto the pavement and kicked passers - by up into the air.

The mad buses then ran along the pavement and started to chase terrified people.

People waiting at the bus stop didn't hesitate.

they got hold of one mad bus and knocked it to pieces.

 

In Nearby Sausage Road a minibus ran into a shop when it saw a wild bus.

 

"Help, shouted the minibus, save me from that mad London bus."

 

"Look 'ere Minibus Face, this shop is for people, not minibuses."

 

Angry shopkeepers kicked the minibus out of the shop, where it went headfirst into a Rolls Royce bus.

The bus got it's wild up and beat up the minibus.

 

"Now Minibus Face, if you dare bash into me once more I'll chop you up.

Anyway Minibus, that London bus is my mate shouted the Rolls Royce bus."

 

All of a sudden a wild motorbike roared at 500 miles an hours down Sausage Road and deliberately knocked a house flying. The house flew up into flew up into the sky and crashed into the sun.

Mad with fury the sun crashed down to Earth from the sky and beat up Sausage Road.

 

"You, Sausage Road and everything along it, including the house that crashed into me said the sun are trying to get rid of me."

 

Horrified people saw the sun lying on the road.

 

"That house attacked me said the sun".

 

In the end the house got reduced to matchbread.

The ambulance came and took the sun to hospital where it had and operation.

The sun remained in hospital for six months.

[berchukit]

CLIVE PECK GOES TO RAMSDEN HALL

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Monday September 9th 1963 Clive Peck got up at 8.20 am, had breakfast and left the house at 1pm.

he arrived at Ramsden Hall at 2.55pm.

He was taken into the headteacher's office.

 

The headteacher Mr Rice Pudding ordered Clive to sign saying that he would remain at school until he reached the age of 16.

 

The head warned that if he left before he reached 16 years of age he would be roasted on the fireplace.

 

Soon after he signed Clive went into the dining room for tea.

He had brick soup coupled with hair sandwiches.

 

After tea he went out into the playground.

 

Later on Clive went to unpack his suitcase then went to his dormitory to get himself ready for supper.

He put his clothes into the sideboard and wardrobe.

 

Boys in his dormitory included,

 

"Scruffy Chips, Herbert Bomb, Ian French, Michael Soap, Danny Oak and Alan Breakwater as well as himself - Clive Peck.

Some of them were ruffians, so, better watch out Clive peck.

 

One boy, Herbert Bomb, was a big bully who often stuck pencils down other boys' mouths.

 

As it happened Clive peck bumped in Herbert Bomb on his way down to supper.

The big bully knocked Clive Peck flying. In fact he did fly, so fast, that his head went straight through the wall at the end of the corridor.

 

"Help, shouted Clive Peck, my head's stuck in the wall."

 

Clive was grabbed by Herbert Bomb and pushed still further into the wall.

 

All of a sudden Mr Culprit, the deputy headteacher, rushed upstairs and saw that the wall had been broken into.

 

"What's all this Herbert Bomb, You've busted the wall."

 

But, before the head could say any more a cry rang out from inside the hole.

 

The teacher punched the wall in and found Clive Peck.

 

"What happened Clive?

 

"That bully pushed me into the wall.

 

"Come 'ere Herbert Bomb, wait till I Thrash the living daylights out of you".

 

So the teacher thrashed the bully Herbert Bomb.

 

"Clive, you can go into the shower to clean yourself up said the teacher."

 

So Clive went into the shower room and had a dry shower.

 

 

soon afterwards he flew down to the school dining room and had school bully stew for supper. This was to make his body stand up to school bullies.

Edited October 12, 2011 by berchukit

[My Stories]

THE BOY WHO REFUSED TO PLAY FOOTBALL

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day the teacher said to Keith Train,

"Get changed you're going to play football.

 

"But, no fear.

 

"Do as you're told my lad, you're going to play football whether you like it or not said the teacher.

 

 

"Why don't you jump in the fire Teacher scum said Keith Train."

 

"Right, said the teacher, I am going to report you to the headmaster after the football game is over."

 

The unruly boy did get changed and when he attempted to play football he collided with Tony Cracker. The boy punched him.

 

"Hoy' stop that boy, and you, Keith Train, Play football properly.

 

"But I can't".

 

Oh, yes you can. The main trouble with you is that you're too lazy."

 

 

After the game was finished the teacher reported the boy to the head.

 

 

The head said:

"You're guilty of a number of crimes.

 

First you refuse to play football, that's number one,

'And number two,you foul on the pitch by knocking a boy over.

 

"I am absolutely disgusted with your behavour.

I don't know what's got into you lately."

 

The boy got the cane.

 

That was in 1964.

 

Soon after the boy stormed out and went berserk. The teacher Mr Clay who happened to be outside shouted,

"to bed you go.

 

The teacher marched the boy up to his dormitory and hit him across the floor.

Keith bit him on the leg.

 

"I'm going to report you to the headmaster for biting my leg."

 

The teacher did, and what a telling off he got for the head shouted:

 

"What's the meaning of this?

 

Do you know that it's a serious crime to bite a teacher, you could have put him in hospital. All because of that Mr Clay will have to be off for a week.

You're just a wild animal my boy."

 

The other boys were shocked when they heard that Mr Clay had his leg bitten by Keith Train so they took revenge, pounced on the boy and ripped his teeth out with pliers.

 

One of the the school prefects happened to be walking along and shouted:

"I'll report you boys to the head for torture."

 

The headmaster was told about the incident and said he was really shocked that a group of boys should revenge the biting of Mr Clay by pulling a boy's teeth out."

 

The savage bullies who carried out the revenge attack were sent to the head and said:

' all because Mr Clay got bitten on the leg by Keith Train, you have no right to revenge it by pulling all of his teeth out."

 

The head got two prefects to guard the boy against the bullies who carried out the revenge attack.

 

Two of the boys who attacked Keith Train happened to be in the same dormitory.

The dormitory leader knew about this and had to protect the boy against the two savages.

 

In the end the headmaster moved the two boys, part of a four piece gang of boys out of Keith Train's dormitory and set up a special dormitory to take savage bullies like the ones who pulled a boy's teeth out - the first bad boys' dorm in the whole school.

 

Mr Clay came back after a week and was no less strict.

He would still stand no nonsense.

Edited October 17, 2011 by My Stories

[Pancakemaker]

You were bullied?

[berchukit]

THE BATHROOM LIGHT THAT DIED

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day whilst a man was in the toilet the light on the ceiling died and in a few minutes rotted away.

The stink from the rotting light bulb was so foul that the owner ran out like a shot and had to call the carer. She phoned the ambulance. The ambulance came and they took the dead bathroom light to a burial ground, where a funeral was

held.

The owner had to say a last goodbye to the bathroom light that died a violent

death.

 

The rotting matter that poured out of a dead bathroom light got cleaned up by the carer, who had to wear a gas mask because the smell in the bathroom caused by a dead

bathroom light was so foul that it could have got into her lungs causing them to wither away to nothing.

Not only that, the poisonous fumes from the dead light bulb that had decomposed and caused matter to crash to the bathroom floor could have resulted in the carer losing her life because the rotting light bulb matter that got could have got into her body would have caused her to lose her lungs, but surgeons would have been called to the support home and give her an operation to bring her back to life again.

[berchukit]

THE EAST END TOUR

 

 

 

 

 

 

We start our journey at Big Head,a narrow street off Scabby Lane, Whitechapel. We then proceed along Billy Passage and into Hanbury Street.

Soon, we come to a pub called the Filthy Breakfast and continue along Hanbury Street.

Next, we turn into Kevin's Bedroom, a street, only one inch wide. For this we have to shrink our bodies to squeeze into this very narrow street that is no more than an inch wide.

At the end of this narrow, narrow, narrow street we return our bodies to their previous width and continue along Smelly Street, a street where horse manure lines the roadside and is used as a building material, especially for Smelly Street's three storey houses.

 

If you have to enter any of these houses in Smelly Street, please remember to put on a gas mask because the houses have manure in between the bricks.

Not only that, horse manure is also used to reinforce the walls inside each house.

 

Smelly Street has been nicknamed 'Stink Bomb Avenue' because of the pong along this turning, and dubbed the smelliest street in Stepney.

 

We soon leave Smelly Street behind and proceed along Tucker's Duckyard, a street that take's us into Commercial Passage, a narrow passage off Commercial Street.

Here, stood the Baby Boy's Youth club, established in 1888, to take in new born babies who passed a degree in maths, even at birth.

It's now a dead man's club.

 

Soon we go along Commercial Street and into Fournier Street, home of the institute for headless people.

 

Half way along the street we come to Joe Soap's Cabin, a cafe where we stop for lunch.

 

This cafe is unusual in that it has toilets in the dining area, which mean's that people have to relieve themselves whilst everybody is eating.

Because of this it is advisable to don a gas mask to shut out the pong whilst you're eating your dinner.

 

There's even a table with a toilet on top of it - table commode, which is used when no one is dining, and closed off when people are using the table for eating.

 

Soon after lunch we leave the cafe and proceed along Bernard Tisboy Lane.

Soon we come to a heart gallery, where hearts are put on display.

It's called Whitechapel Heart Gallery.

 

Soon, we walk down Pickle Street and into Bag Of Heads Street.

This street has the smallest synagogue in Whitechapel, only four feet wide and has to accommodate twelve people.

The man in charge is Isaac Matzos, the man who conduct's the services every day.

 

 

Next on the journey is Mile End Waste, which mean's a load of waste that lines the roadside along Mile End road.

The huge mountain of rubbish has lined Mile End Road for years, that's why it's called Mile End Waste.

 

The rubbish lined road is a huge tourist attraction, as is the horse manure mine in nearby Stinkerton street.

Here, people dig up horse manure from the mines down below.

 

A horse manure miner can earn up to £5000 a week.

 

Soon we leave the rubbish strewn section, known as Mile End Waste and pass the site where Whackhams, the department store, used to be, and is now a human body shop, a store that sell's spare body parts for people, such as hearts, lungs, kidneys, human heads, e.t.c.

 

People often come to the human body shop to buy themselves a new heart when their old one has packed up, or a new head if their own head has been knocked off by yobbos.

 

Meanwhile, the East End tour continues as we turn into Hayfield passage pass the old unruly school for boys and an old girls club which took in new born girls, and pass the old workhouse hospital, then we turn into Cold Street and along Stepney Way, pass Smiley Park.

 

Our tour end at Stepney Waste underground station, on the District Line and head off home, passing Limescale Central, Bandy Green, Mile End Heath, Bow Road West, Stratford Dogs, Wanstead, Staresbrook and onto Gants Hill, where we get lifted up to street level by crane, which take's us into the street and head back to the centre.

Edited November 24, 2011 by berchukit

[darkshine]

ENERGY SAVER LIGHT BULB ACCUSED OF ATTEMPTED MURDER

 

In a boring little village, in a nowhere little house, there lived a plant, nothing special, just an ordinary house plant, it looked a bit weird, like a smaller relative of a jungle type plant. Quite large, not mega huge, not day of the triffids type giant, well, it was of an adequate size. It had lived for many years, its only light and warmth gained from an ordinary bulb, but one day the bulb blew and the usual bulb was not available, the plant was in darkness, so the owners bought an energy saver light bulb for it, and for a little while all was well.

 

Then one day the plant started being burned by the light, the light was moved further away but still the plant kept getting burned, the light was sneaky and would burn the plant when nobody was watching. Soon the plant was scorched all over, even though only one side faced the plant. Suddenly it became covered in evil holes and septic sores, its poor leaves burned to parchment.

 

An inquest was launched but the findings were inconclusive:

 

The light bulb denies the charges, stating that it is perfectly safe.

 

The owners worry because plant was fine for years before the new light bulb came and cannot help but suspect the light bulb.

 

No comment was made by any official, but if they had they would probably strenuously deny any harmful effects from the bulb.

 

The plant was unavailable for comment, it is in a coma in intensive care and the outlook is bleak.

[berchukit]

THE VICIOUS ATTACK ON THE SUN

 

 

 

 

Just recently during the London riots yobs chucked fireworks at the sun, putting it out of action.

This plunged the world into darkness.

 

The sun's murder by hooligans meant that daylight couldn't exist anymore, so, the plan was to send the sun to hospital where it would have to have an operation to bring it back to life again.

 

The sun did in the end have an operation to remove deadly fragments that were stopping it from shining and to bring it back to life again.

 

Had the murdered sun remained in the sky it would have exploded causing huge masses to crash right down to Earth, engulfing the entire population.

 

Luckily the sun did have an operation so it could shine again. It also reversed it's murder, that is bring it back to what it was before it was murdered.

 

Whilst the sun was in hospital alternative arrangements were made keep the Earth alive.

 

Millions of light bulbs were installed in the Universe above the Earth.

 

The murder of the sun wasn't the only evil act committed by these yobs, they also dismantled a policeman as he tried to arrest him.

They took off his legs, head, arms, plus more, but made use of them after the demolition of the policeman, for the yobs used the policeman's head as a football, kicking it around the town. The hooligans even had a game of football where they used a human head (the policeman's head) as the football, kicking it down the street. They also made use of the copper's legs, using them as weapons to smash windows with, and his chest as a dining room table.

However the policeman got his own back for he re - assembled his own body by himself, picking up his legs, head, chest and arms then putting them back onto his own body.

 

It's amazing how a dismembered man could put himself back together again by himself, but he did it, for his body parts had a life of their own, that is, they could function independently of the man's body, this means that if a man's legs are removed they could walk on their own and human heads could even move on their own without the rest of the body.

Even the torso could have a life of its own for it could walk down the street without the rest of the body.

 

Now it's back to the rioters. They did torch buildings by chucking human heads through the windows after setting fire to them.

When the heads were set alight they let out a scream even though they weren't attached to any human body.

 

It's show's that human body parts, legs arms, chest and head can function independently and have a life of their own.

It's common to see a pair of legs running down the street on their own because legs can still run even after a man has had them stolen by yobs.

Edited December 3, 2011 by berchukit

[berchukit]

MAN GOING BERSERK IN FLAT

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of the residents in Goodboys Lodge decided to vacuum clean his flat. The cleanup was successfully done, but the machine needed emptying because it was very full. The machine was opened up and, ‘what a mess he created, all fluff over his trousers, shirt, carpet and floor. The rubbish, at least some of it was picked up and binned, but, ‘as the man tried to re – assemble the vacuum cleaner he ran into difficulties and went off like a madman, screaming, shouting and raving. The hullabaloo brought one of the support staff running up to see what it was all about. A ring was heard on the door and the scheme manager appeared.

 

“Hey you, stop that at once, you’re disturbing all the other residents. Any more of that and I’ll chuck you out of this flat and get the police to commit you to Bad Dog Hospital where they’ll detain you for the rest of your life”.

 

The vacuum cleaner was re- assembled and the support worker said’ “I’ll let you off this time but next time I’ll expel you from Goodboys Lodge and get you committed to the mind hospital in Rotten Egg Lane.

 

Goodboys Lodge is a support home that deals with mental health and older people. It has 24 flats, two with hole in the ground baths to prevent people from falling out of the bath as well as a shower above the toilet so people can have a bath whilst sitting on the toilet.

 

The communal lounge downstairs has a toilet to sit on whilst people are watching television so if they’re caught short this will save them having to get up from their seats.

 

The television has a built in drinks unit so residents can draw orange juice and other drinks straight out of the television set.

 

Every Friday there is a fish and chip meal served in a chamber pot and eaten on star shaped plates.

 

Now it’s back to the man who went off his rocker.

 

Bernard Inkman was prone to temper outbursts because of his autistic state. This could lead to complaints from staff and residents alike and result in the man being evicted from his support house for good. Not only that, he could end up in an institution where other people could ram pokers into his chest and pour milk down his ears.

 

 

Edited December 3, 2011 by berchukit

[My Stories]

THE DEVASTATING LOSS OF THE FREEDOM PASS

 

 

 

 

 

One day when Bernard Cheeseman got off the bus at Beehive Lane he had his pass with him, but, 'when he got to the centre it had gone, and what a mayhem he created over the lost bus pass. He threw chairs banged doors and chucked his bag across the room, narrowly missing one of the staff by inches.

 

 

 

"You, my boy, I've had enough of you, any more of that and I'll have you out of this centre.

 

You nearly knocked me over.

 

 

 

Listen here my boy, the only way to sort out this freedom pass business is to phone London Transport and District.

 

 

 

And, please make sure you have your photos with you when you apply for a freedom pass, if you haven't then you can go to the nearest phone booth and have your photos taken.

 

 

 

It's like Bernard Tisman when he lost his freedom pass.

 

It happened on Wednesday, November 30th 2011.

 

 

 

It's a while since it happened.

 

The person who lost his freedom pass was me, Bernard Tisman.

 

Because of this I had to buy an oyster card to get me home.

The oyster card cost £5.00, plus £2.50 top up.

 

 

The incident happened when I got off the bus.

I had it when I made my way to Mitkadem day centre, but by the afternoon it had gone.

If there would have been a bird flying overhead it would have swooped down and swiped it out of my coat pocket by grabbing it with it's beak and make off with it.

 

 

The freedom pass would have ended up as a tasty meal for the bird, most likely a crow.

 

 

My freedom pass is most likely dead by now, for without it's owner it could die.

 

 

Without the freedom pass I would have to pay fares when coming to the Mitkadem day centre on Wednesdays.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

LATEST NEWS

 

 

Bernard Tisman's freedom pass has been found dead.

It's body was found in Blenheim Avenue, Gants Hill.

It was a passer - by who found it dead. Not only that, the freedom pass was rotting away as well, found in an advanced state of decomposition.

It stunk.

In fact the smell of the rotting freedom pass was so foul that everybody who came out of their houses collapsed but soon recovered.

They had to cover their faces with hankies because of the terrible stink that was coming from the rotting freedom pass.

Not only that, a lot of foul smelling fluid was oozing out of the dead freedom pass which was rotting away quite rapidly

 

Bernard Tisman's cousin has been notified of the freedom pass's tragic death.

He said:

"I am sorry to hear of the death of your freedom pass.

 

A post mortem will be carried out to find out exactly what caused the freedom pass to die so tragically.

 

The cause of death at the moment is unknown.

 

It's most likely that the freedom pass could have died of hypothermia.

This mean's that if you do get a new freedom pass make sure it's wrapped up warm when you use it, and if it does ever fall ill call your doctor.

[berchukit]

THE EVOLUTION OF A WORLD THAT WENT WRONG

 

 

 

 

The planet Earth Three was created in just two hours.

 

The first televisions appeared before man came on the scene.

 

The first television viewers were just tiny specks of bacteria that hatched out of a volcano.

 

Fish when they first appeared looked like worn out shoes.

 

Dinosaurs watched television,cavemen collected records and washing machines were in use long befor the Romans appeared on the scene.

 

There were stone age men who had Juke boxes in their caves.

 

At the time the Romans arrived men were having baths in the streets.

 

Long before the world began there were houses, although no one invented them.

 

5,000 million years ago long before man appeared there were spaceships and computers.

 

The first man on Earth,Clausius Conboy wasn't born, he was made in a factory set up on the sun.

 

More and more factories that made humans were set up all over the world.

 

There were humans with two heads and three hearts, plus a windpipe with railway trains inside it.

 

Long before food was invented men used to eat rocks and sand.

 

There were cases of men who ate their heads.

 

By the Middle Ages towns were made of wood because you could grow it on your head.

 

Wood was very cheap and came from a Woodery in Sidney Street Mile End.

Here police ordered a special patrol to wipe out the purple rats who kept on gnawing at the brickwork in every house.

the rats which were five feet long invaded every part of London'e East End.

the monster rats chewed through the brick work until the house died.

 

Police tried everything they could do to rid the area of the rats, but more and more houses got killed before they could do anything.

 

So, in the end 20 foot long owls were let loose to wipe out the house eating rats.

 

In five hours the rats were no more.

Edited January 3, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE EVOLUTION OF A WORLD THAT WENT WRONG

 

 

 

 

The planet Earth Three was created in just two hours.

 

The first televisions appeared before man came on the scene.

 

The first television viewers were just tiny specks of bacteria that hatched out of a volcano.

 

Fish when they first appeared looked like worn out shoes.

 

Dinosaurs watched television,cavemen collected records and washing machines were in use long befor the Romans appeared on the scene.

 

There were stone age men who had Juke boxes in their caves.

 

At the time the Romans arrived men were having baths in the streets.

 

Long before the world began there were houses, although no one invented them.

 

5,000 million years ago long before man appeared there were spaceships and computers.

 

The first man on Earth,Clausius Conboy wasn't born, he was made in a factory set up on the sun.

 

More and more factories that made humans were set up all over the world.

 

There were humans with two heads and three hearts, plus a windpipe with railway trains inside it.

 

Long before food was invented men used to eat rocks and sand.

 

There were cases of men who ate their heads.

 

By the Middle Ages towns were made of wood because you could grow it on your head.

 

Wood was very cheap and came from a Woodery in Sidney Street Mile End.

Here police ordered a special patrol to wipe out the purple rats who kept on gnawing at the brickwork in every house.

the rats which were five feet long invaded every part of London'e East End.

the monster rats chewed through the brick work until the house died.

 

Police tried everything they could do to rid the area of the rats, but more and more houses got killed before they could do anything.

 

So, in the end 20 foot long owls were let loose to wipe out the house eating rats.

 

In five hours the rats were no more.

[berchukit]

THE DAY GRASS GREW ON THE CHALKBOARD

 

 

At Banana High school grass grew on the chalkboard. The cause of it was a cigarette end which a boy dumped on the chalkboard. So Smokey Sausage the headmaster, caught him and caned him across a lamp shade on the window. After he got caned by the headmaster the boy was tied up with wire and plugged into the mains. he got such an electric shock that he turned into a cucumber. The cucumber then flew around the classroom spitting nuts and bolts at the teacher who was as strict as a lump of fried chalk. Annoyed by the cucumber the teacher Brian Smoke opened his head, took out his brain and threw it at the cucumber. the cucumber retaliated by biting the teacher's egg basket, causing him to jump out of the window and up to the sun. The sun didn't want the teacher so it ordered the galaxy to get rid of him. the galaxy grabbed hold of the teacher and sent him spinning into outer space. In the end the teacher laid eggs and out hatched baby teachers. The teacher had his nest outside thee Universe. The baby teachers had to be fed sums to keep them alive until they were old enough to fly away. When they were old enough the baby teachers set up a bus station where they taught babies to drive buses in Outer Space. there were trams running from the moon to Saturnia, sister of the planet Saturn. Saturn had seven brothers and 95 sisters. Other things that happened in Space included lamp posts that sailed around the Earth.

Edited January 3, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE MAN WHO CHASED A LORRY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jimmy Spit chased a lorry because it swore at him.

the lorry which had two protruding eyes drove itself on end and carried headless soldiers.

 

In the end a five - headed policeman got hold of Jimmy Spit for frightening the lorry.

he got sent to a dog's prison on the Isle of Boy.

He had to serve a million year sentence.

 

The prison where Jimmy Spit stayed had floorless cells.

 

The prison warder, a dustbin on legs was very strict, and ordered the prisoner to bite the brick wall.

 

Another form of discipline was, 'that prisoners had to break rocks with their bare hands.

Any prisoner failing to do so would be made to eat cement.

 

Another rule was, that it was forbidden to smoke earth.

Any prisoner caught smoking earth would have his moutth stuffed with pillorboxes.

 

 

One day a prisoner called Dirty Soap put a cigarette lighter into a prison warder's ear. The prison warder, George Tin 'O' Paint caught him and caned him with a fish. Dirty Soap was then sent to Grisly Remand Centre in Crashire.

At his prison every prisoner had to do press ups on a floor saturated with super glue.

After he did press - ups the prisoner was put into a bath full of bees.

This was to make sure that he did what he was told. After that he had a shave on the dining room table whilst he was eating in front of other prisoners.

Soon after he had a shave Dirty Soap bashed a loaf of bread that danced on the dining room table.

The bread, terrified out of its life, ran out of the dining room and met a lump of sugar that got punched and kicked by a prison warder.

 

"I got beaten up by Dirty Soap said the loaf of bread"

"We'll sort him out said the lump of sugar."

 

So, both of the inmates searched for Dirty Soap, and when they found him they

bashed him on the chops.

Next, there were pitched battles being fought in the dining room.

 

Potatoes fought eggs, chairs kicked prison officers, lamp shades drank milk and prisoners took off their heads.

 

One day whilst a man was eating his dinner the dinner plate jumped up and threw itself into the man's face.

The prison warder, Mr 1-2-3 nabbed the mad dinner plate and booted it up to the sun.

 

Soon afterwards a knife grew on he sun, causing it to fly.

 

The sun flew away to a school where fish were taught how to play football.

 

every football had gravy inside it to make it strong.

Edited January 3, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE BOWLING TRIP

 

 

 

 

One day a group of people went bowling at The Bighead bowling alley in Ilford. Each person picked up a ball and threw it, but one person did the opposite, he threw himself at the pins at the far end of the lane and found himself being sucked into the conveyer belt that returns the balls to their pick up point. People got the shock of their lives when they saw a man come up into the ball slot along the conveyer belt.

To him the ball was his own body. The man had sneaked onto the lane and rolled himself down to the far end. Using his own body as a ball he knocked down the pins.

For his mischievous deeds he got banned from the bowling for putting the place in danger.

The man was lucky he could have been killed due to his stupid act, throwing himself at the bowling alley pins and being sucked under where the ball usually goes before it comes back. This wasn’t the only weird thing that happened here; some idiot threw a brick at the pins to knock them down instead of a ball, he would, because he was drunk. Not only that ‘he also tried to spit on the ball before he threw it.

The man got banned.

[berchukit]

THE MILITARY TAKEOVER OF BASHVILLE SCHOOL

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once a gang of school bullies dressed in army uniform took over a boarding school called Bashville in Essex.

after the military coup every boy and girl was forced to wash their faces with bees and made to eat books.

The bullies' army led by Colonel News were a bunch of dictators.

Each morning every pupil had to get up at 5am otherwise he would be shot.

the procession of boys and girls then made their way to the washroom all chained up to each other and with their ankles handcuffed, then made to wash at gunpoint.

After their wash the pupils were footballed down to the dining room where they had to eat on tables loaded with serpents.

Any move then the snakes would strike.

On one table a giant viper stood up on end to make sure that no boy or girl would get up from their tables unless the bullies told them to.

Certain parts of the school were booby trapped to in order to prevent escapes.

At the front entrance door at the beginning of the entrance hall stood bricks tied up above the doorway.

Anyone who tried to escape through the door would have the bricks drop down on him.

Another booby trap was the hidden steel mouth put below the corridor.

If a boy or girl ran along the corridor when told no to would find the steel jaws popping out of the floor then grabbed until they were locked inside the steel mouth with it's razor sharp jaws.

other booby traps included guns that stuck out of the walls.

any move then the guns would shoot and spit bullets at the rule - breakers.

Bashville was a real terror camp.

Weekend leave was a serious crime which was punishable by hanging, with the rule breaker ending up being hanged.

One day a boy asked if he could buy himself a new head.

Colonel News, the school's dictator, shouted:

"You Scoddlepoif, I'll roast you for dinner."

The bully who ruled Bashville school then dragged the boy who wanted a new head along the corridor and fed him to a washing machine in the cookhouse.

The bully then rushed back to the dining room and said:

"Now boys and girls, you lot will carry your beds down to the crocodile pond and make them.

If you don't the crocodiles will eat you."

So every boy and girl were marched at gunpoint up to their dormitories and grabbed their beds. they then had to carry them down to the crocodile pond.

Soon afterwards the bullies grabbed hold of their slaves and threw them up to the sun.

The boys and girls were forced to work in the sky with serpents surrounding them.

"Now prisoners shouted the bullies,

"work!

So every slave had to work in the end.

The slaves waged an uprising against Colonel News and his mob.

The boys and girls grabbed hold of the sun and chucked it at the bullies, killing them instantly.

Soon after the overthrow of Colonel News and his mob the boys and girls brought the sun into Bashville school to rid it of the booby traps and wild beasts that the dictatorial bullies led by Colonel News, now defunct, used to catch their slaves with.

The sun's first job was to remove the guns, steel mouths (they were planted under the floor to trap the legs of every person who tried to escape) and other booby traps.

eventually they were destroyed.

the next job was to ride Bashville school of the serpents and other wild animals.

they got removed and sent to a zoo.

The reign of terror was over

Edited January 3, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE LOCKERS WITH WHEELS ON THEM

 

 

 

Once upon a time, at Inkside Centre, there were lockers with wheels on them in order to move them out of the way when the time came to go home.

Each locker had a spy hole in it to make sure that coats hung up inside didn't move.

There were lockers with doors on both ends.

Sometimes if it was difficult to get a coat out of the locker a group of people would use guns to shoot the lockers open.

Every locker was checked regularly for any sign of disease.

If a locker coughed and sneezed it had to be destroyed for fear that it might spread germs all around the centre and start a terrible pandemic in which every person would drop like flies.

One a week every locker went to the local steam bath to clean up so it could be ready for use by Monday in order to get it fit enough so that coats could be hung up safely inside.

Each locker could be opened with a finger.

A man had to put his finger inside the keyhole in order to get the locker open.

One day a man went to unlock his locker and was shocked to find a grizzly bear inside it.

The grizzly bear popped out and ate the locker owner.

The bear then went on the rampage and attacked every locker it could lay it's hands on.

All of a sudden the grizzly bear burst into the toilet and killed the washbasins.

Soon afterwards it went on the rampage through the centre and wreaked havoc.

A fire extinguisher got attacked by the grizzly bear.

It screamed.

The contract room who happened to be the instructor swooped down on the grizzly bear and stuffed a bomb down it's throat.

The bear exploded and had to be operated on to repair the bomb damage that destroyed all it's innards.

Allthough the contract room acted in self defense it did a lot of damage by stuffing a bomb down a grizzly bear's throat.

[berchukit]

THE MAN WHO WAS ALWAYS IN A HURRY TO GET HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

 

 

 

 

 

A man called David Bloater, who attended Bird's Nest Day Centre in Bee Sting Lane, often came by Dial - a - Ride.

The man himself didn't like slowcoaches, especially when home - time came, people who took time to get on his bus when collected by Dial - a -Ride, because he wanted to get home as quick as possible.

He didn't like anyone keeping him waiting

Even traffic lights were an obstacle to him getting home on time because when the red light came up all traffic, including the Dial - a - Ride, came to a standstill. Because of this he wanted the traffic lights removed. The driver said,

the traffic lights are there for a purpose, they can't be removed.

Even buses on the road, and cars were pests according to David Bloater, because they meant that he would get home late, as they often caused traffic jams.

"Come on, come on, shouted David Bloater, get a move on.

Can't the traffic move for a change?"

"If you complain said the driver I'll have you off the bus".

One day Bernard Cheeseman got picked up at his day centre and took time coming down the path.

As soon as he got on the bus the man shouted:

"Hurry up, Hurry up Slowcoach, if you make me late for home I'll bash you."

"Hoy! none of that, any more of those threats and I'll ban you".

David Bloater, fed up with Bernard Cheeseman making him late for getting home, lashed out at him and took a swipe at him.

The driver seeing what happened phoned the man's centre. They replied and got |David removed from any future dial a rides because of his aggression towards slowcoaches. for instance, he once punched a man who had a Zimmer frame when he got on the bus because he was so slow and David wanted to get home as quick as possible.

[berchukit]

WARNERS SICK BAY HOLIDAY VILLAGE

 

 

 

 

 

A holiday camp specially designed for people who've been taken ill.

This holiday camp is in Ailing Island, so - called because of the large number of sick people who live there, people who will never get better, people who are ill for life and so on.

You wouldn't expect a healthy person to live there nor go on holiday there.

Only sick people are allowed on Ailing Island.

If a strong healthy person dare set foot on this sick man's paradise he would be guilty of trespassing.

Ailing Island is in Spamshire, Hampshire's cousin.

At Sick Bay Holiday Village each chalet has a hospital bed and resembles a hospital side room ward.

There are nurses on standby at this Holiday Camp in case someone falls ill.

There's also the holiday camp's operating theatre in case a holidaymaker need's an operation whilst on holiday inside a sick man's holiday camp.

[berchukit]

WARNERS SMOKESIDE HOLIDAY VILLAGE RESORT HAYLING ISLAND

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a holiday camp situated in Hayling Island, Lambshire.

The holiday camp is well known for its open top chalets so sleepers could enjoy fresh air, but have to beware of birds flying overhead for they could poop all over you from above and straight into your chalet, with their droppings raining down on top of you as you sleep.

Many a times people in these chalets have had to clear bird droppings that came into the roofless chalets from above whilst they were sleeping, so it's advisable to use a sleeping bottle, a big bottle which you could climb into and nod off soon after putting the lid on top.

The sleeping bottles have holes in them in order to let in ventilation.

The bottles which measure five foot by two feet provide protection against being pooped upon by birds from above as the chalets have no roofs

The holiday camp smokeside has a theatre with swimming pool in front off the stage so theatre goers can have a swim whilst they are watching the show, for they could see the stars straight from the swimming pool.

The Avatar Coats provide the entertainment.

The nearest town to Hayling Island is Have Not.

Near Have Not is the village of Have.

Edited January 3, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE SUITCASE PASSPORT TO YOUR HOLIDAY DESTINATION

 

 

 

Once upon a time a man opened up his suitcase and saw a hotel right at the bottom of the suitcase.

He then climbed into the case and went straight into the hotel.

It was a good idea because it saved him a long journey to his holiday destination which was 500 miles from home, but with the suitcase it was only two feet away from his home, as the suitcase was two foot deep.

 

The man booked in after he came out of his case and into the hotel.

 

This suitcase entrance to the hotel also meant that the man didn't have to travel from his home to where he was holidaying at.

The suitcase provided the man with a shortcut to his hotel.

 

The hotel entrance appeared at the bottom the suitcase soon after the man packed all his belongings in his case.

 

Once the man arrived at his hotel the clothes reappeared in his case as soon as he climbed out of it and into the hotel.

 

It was a Butlin Warners Hotel, situated at Stoke Bay Sussex.

 

The man's suitcase provided him with a shortcut between his home, which was 500 miles away and his home. This meant the suitcase reduced the distance from 500 miles to only two feet from his home.

 

Once he got into his hotel bedroom after he booked in the man unpacked his case, but found that he forgot to take his computer with him, so he climbed into his suitcase and went straight into his home. he then got hold of his computer, climbed into his suitcase and back into his hotel bedroom.

 

The suitcase shortcut between his own home and the hotel was a good idea because it saved him from travelling 500 miles.

 

The novel idea was the existence of a wormhole at the bottom of his suitcase which made it easy to travel 500 miles in only just two feet.

 

The suitcase wormhole was handy machine to have.

 

The man also had another wormhole - his large rucksack.

He could use this to go on outings whilst on holiday, saving him a coach journey, but he would miss the scenery on the way, so he saved it for occasional outings.

All he had to do was climb into his rucksack and in a jiffy he would be in the nearest town which was five miles away in only just one foot.

He then climbed out of the rucksack, switched off the wormhole and his belongings reappeared inside his bag.

 

When the time came to go back the man would switch the wormhole back on, climb into the bag and in a distance of only one foot he was back inside his hotel five miles from town.

[berchukit]

THE MAN WHO MADE A MESS ON THE FLOOR IN HIS COUSIN'S FLAT

 

 

 

 

Bernard Tismansion was staying over at his cousin's flat as it was the Festive Season, but discovered one thing that wasn't quite right.

His stoma bag had sprung a leak and had to be changed so he took off his bag in the bedroom which turned out to be the room where his cousin kept his computer and other artifacts.

 

The ileostomy bag was removed as it was leaking, but, 'just as he took off the leaking bag the stoma started to erupt like a volcano, causing all the bowel contents from his stoma to shoot all over the place, with some of them landing, smack! right on his cousin's computer, and what a mess Bernie Tismansion made on the bedroom floor - bowel contents all over the place, the floor computer, bed, the lot.

 

The projecting bowel movements from the man's stoma were so fierce that the room turned into a stinkhouse.

 

Not only that, changing a bag became a complete nightmare, with bag after bag having to be taken off because they just wouldn't stick down, going through a total of 20 stoma bag base plates.

 

It took bernie four hours to change his bag and even the last bag came undone a bit and would have to be changed in a few hours time because it could leak.

 

The man's cousin walked into the computer room, used as a makeshift bedroom, for overnight stay and was shocked to find what a terrible mess his cousin Bernie had made - excrement all over the place, and was really furious when he saw it on his computer.

 

"You, you 've ruined my computer, so get out of my flat you filthy pig, I dont want to see you again."

 

Bernie was told to pack his bags and got chucked out of his cousin's flat and had to walk all the way to a shop to call for a taxi to take him home.

The taxi came and the man got in and closed the door.

The taxi sped off.

 

The man was only half way home when his bag sprang a leak.

The mess was running all down his leg.

The pong was so bad that the driver ordered the man off and he had to walk home, but luckilly a car came along and took the man home safely to his home.

 

"I can see that there is mess running down your leg.

 

"I have a stoma said Bernie.

 

"I'll soon get you cleaned up said the driver.

 

The man got home and took out his stoma equipment.

 

The driver happened to have a stoma as well and has some experience in changing bags.

 

 

 

What happened when Bernard Tismansion was staying at his cousin's flat was an accident waiting to happen, the sort of things that can happen when a man has an ileostomy stoma.

 

One of the things that can happen with an Ileostomy is projectile bowel movements, that is when the stoma starts to erupt like a volcano, causing all it's contents to shoot all over the place, the sort of thing that you have no control over.

It is a real nightmare when it happen's whilst you're changing your bag, making it impossible to avoid making a mess.

 

As it happened Bernie happened to be changing his bag when the inevitable happened - the stoma erupting, 'with such violence that the contents plastered his cousin's study all over the place, with some of the ileostomy stoma contents landing on his cousin's computer.

His cousin was so furious that he chucked Bernie out of the flat, and didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

 

 

As you know Ileostomies are uncontrollable, which mean's that the stoma can erupt like a volcano, and if it happen's whilst changing your bag the result is you could end up making a mess all over the place.

Edited January 6, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE MAN WHO CHANGED HIS BAG AT HIS COUSIN'S FLAT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bernard Tismansion was about to change his bag because it had sprung a leak but had to be quick for he was to be invited to someone's house for a grand dinner.

This special do was going to attract loads of people, but there was one drawback; there was only one toilet.

There was another toilet - in the bedroom, but only for the person who sleep's in that bedroom.

Bernie was so slow that his cousin told him to hurry up, hurry up because we will be leaving soon. He screamed, screeched, shouted and bawled that his cousin and his wife told him to shut up and said, 'you're giving me a headache.

 

Bernie was about to change, but, forgot one thing and had to go back to his bedroom naked to fetch the barrier wipes and the other accessories.

He said:

"close the door, close the door, please don't look.

 

"Oh shut your face troublemaker, you've given me enough trouble.

 

Bernie had cleaned his skin around stoma with adhesive remover to remove adhesive residue. Not only that, he created a terrible mess on the bathroom floor, plus the toilet bowl, and so confused and agitated that he forgot where things were.

He tossed and tossed things around in order to find his things.

His stoma was pouring and pouring all the time as it was just after a meal.

Not only that, there was a problem with the tap water for it was greasy due to the hardness of the water.

Bernie took a long time, which mean's that by now it was to late for the invite to Michael and Margaret.

He washed his skin, wiped and wiped as it was a job to get his skin dry, then smeared on the barrier wipe and barrier strip and paste, then base plate, but couldn't stick it down.

The adhesive remover had removed the skin's own natural oil which makes the bag stick properly.

As a result of this the bag sprang a leak no sooner than he put it on.

Edited January 7, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

THE MAN WHO DOWNLOADED BOMB ONTO HIS COMPUTER

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day a man downloaded a bomb onto his computer.

Once installed the man turned on his computer and it blew up.

 

The downloaded bomb had planted itself into the man's hard drive and got detonated once the man had switched on his computer.

 

The man's cousin who had arrived to give the man his money heard the loud bang outside.

when he opened the door and came in he was shocked to find the computer completely destroyed.

 

The man told his cousin that he had download a bomb onto his computer, and when he switched on his computer it blew up.

 

"You, you've killed your own computer.

It's your own fault.

 

How many times have you told you not to download explosive materials onto your computer and other dangerous programs.

If you're not careful you could download flu viruses onto your computer and if you switch your computer on you could catch a deadly flu virus and die.

 

Did you know that you can catch deadly diseases and other killers from your computer.

Computers could even eat you.

 

All this is caused by killer computer viruses which only AVG antibacterial drugs could combat.

 

AVG antibiotics are very powerful drugs.

[berchukit]

THE BILLIARD BALL TREE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once there was a tree that grew billiard balls in Goodfood Park.

It was a good idea because it saved buying billiard balls.

Before the balls could be used they had to ripen, but, ‘beware, a bird could very easily hatch out of the billiard ball or the ball could spit poison at you. Worst of luck the billiard ball could bite and that bite, and that bite could be poisonous. It could even kill, and, ‘ if it does then the man who planted the billiard ball tree could be charged with murder.

As it was in a park lawn billiards was the main game, that is, ‘a game of billiards without the table.

There were other games as well, such as, ‘duck pond football.

You had to climb into the duck pond and play football, surrounded by ducks all the time, but you ran the risk of a rogue duck pecking the football. To prevent this, the only way was to spray duck repellent on the football.

[berchukit]

THE MONTHLY YOGA SESSION AT WANSTEAD SWAMP FARM LIBRARY, ADJOINING WOODBINE CIGARETTE CENTRE

 

 

 

This monthly yoga session held over at Wanstead Swamp Farm Library next door to the Woodbine Centre, which means a day centre loaded with cigarettes, consists of exercises in which you have to throw your yourself up to the ceiling and spin your head, so fast that it eventually stop's working, bu after a few minutes it restarts.

 

You lie on a mat covered with ice packs to the body to stop you from overheating during a yoga match, because during the yoga session your own body can become as hot as a fried egg.

 

Exercises include the egg tree and the blue flush moon.

 

Yoga is accompanied by music from a brass violin and a string trumpet, performed by The London Fruitband Orchestra.

 

There are yoga matches between two teams.

 

Part of the curriculum includes swimming pool yoga where you lie on balloon mats and swim with swimming pool dolphins.

 

Additional music for yoga matches are supplied by the Gants Hill Station railway tunnel baby choir and The Mustard Boys.

 

The Mustard Boys are a yoga based pop group whose blend of music is well suited to yoga matches.

 

The Mustard Boys are so -called, because as part of their stage act they cover their bodies in mustard.

Edited January 21, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

A TRIP TO THE DENTIST

 

 

One day a man went to the dentist to have a filling, but,' just as the dentist was about to give the injection the man's head fell off, making it ever more difficult for the dentist to carry out his job.

 

To solve the problem the dentist decided to give the filling inside the mouth of the fallen off head whilst it was detached from the patient's body.

This proved an advantage for the man could feel no pain in his mouth as he had no head.

 

When the job was done the dentist re - attached the man's head, but,' just as he was about to the head flew up the dentist's chest and bit him on the head. he tried to pull the head off but it just kept on biting and pulling at him so he got out a cigarette lighter and that got the head off because a human head, even if it has fallen off the man's body could still not tolerate pain and fire.

 

The head immediately died so the man just had to grow a new head.

[berchukit]

ABANDONED LONDON UNDERGROUND STATION PASSENGERS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you go through London's Underground you'll see rows of people waiting to board a train,

but aren't able to because they're dead. These are the skeletons of people left abandoned when the station closed down whilst they were waiting to get on the train. As a result they couldn't get out of the station and kept waiting and waiting until they died. These abandoned railway passengers are to be seen as you go through the tunnel. One such station is Whitechapel Itch. It's on the Stepney Line. This station closed down when a great big monster ate its way through it, making it unsafe. Not only that, the walls started bleeding.

[berchukit]

ABANDONED RESTAURANT MEALS

 

 

 

At a number of disused restaurants there are meals that have been left standing on the tables.

People were about to eat their dinners when they were told to leave because the restaurants

was closing down.

The meals were left standing on the tables so that the restaurants could look exactly like they

did on the day they closed down.

[berchukit]

BARBERSHOP NEWS

 

 

 

 

One day a man whose hair was five feet too long went to the nearest barber. “This barber used unusual methods like using blow lamps to burn off excess hair and taking off the customer’s head so to make the job easier.

‘The hair cut was done by removing the man’s head so the barber could get on with his job. This ingenious method removed the need for the barber to tell the man to keep still whilst he carried on with his job. ‘Once the haircut was done the head was re – attached to the man’s body.

‘Throughout the period when the haircut was being carried out the man had to be content with remaining headless so the barber could cut the hair from the head whilst it was without its ‘owner.

[darkshine]

How did he hold the head and cut the hair at the same time?

[berchukit]

THE MAN WHO USED A HUMAN HEAD AS A HAT

 

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time a man bought himself a hat, but it was no ordinary hat, for it turned out to be a human head - one head mounted on top of another.

 

What actually happened was that the head had been stolen from a man whilst he was fast asleep so it could double up as a hat.

 

It only came to light when the man's wife came up to the man's bedroom and found him with his head missing.

 

The wife got the shock of her life when she found her husband completely headless.

she told the police and the police said 'that a gang of head snatchers were on the loose, going around stealing other peoples' heads and selling them to hat shops so people could wear them on their heads as hats.

 

The gang not only pinched other peoples' heads they also stole legs so they could end up as chair legs, 'that is chairs with human legs attached to them.

 

although the man was headless he was still able to move.

Edited February 23, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

YOB THE BUILDER

 

 

 

 

One day a builder called a man terrible names when he went berserk.

He was called Yob The Builder because he started on people for nothing, or even creating a scene, like Bernard Tisman, when he kicked the street and even started to urinate five feet up into the air.

 

Yob The Builder had cropped hair and was one of the builders constructing the new Dennis Centre.

He had a friend called John Ruffian, one of the other builders, who was also a nasty character.

He went too far when he urinated on Bernard Tisman's rucksack as he walked by.

 

John Ruffian, one of the builders and a mate of Yob the builder, even called Bernard Tisman a 'mental case' all because he shouted, screamed and bawled.

 

The Mitkadem day centre members were outraged at John Ruffian's remarks,calling Bernard Tisman a 'mental case, and for a builder to say that is even disgusting.

 

One of the staff said'

"I'm going to report those two builders, Yob Scummy and John Ruffian, for making nasty remarks about Bernard Tisman.

 

"I can't understand how builders could behave like that.

The reason they are there is because the new Dennis Centre has to be built.

 

Their job is to make sure that the new centre is built, this is because the other building at the bottom of the street is being acquired by the Ilford Synogogue.

 

The new Dennis Centre that is being built is in Clarance Avenue, Gants Hill, next door to Mitkadem Day Centre.

 

The builder in charge is Peter Duckhead, who's the boss, and it's no good telling the boss because all the builders stick together.

He said to the two builders, Yob Scummy and John Ruffian:

 

"Take no notice of Bernard Tisman, he just want's to cause trouble for us builders, because our main job is to get the new Dennis Centre built as quick as possible.

 

Another thing, we'll have to make sure that the new day centre doesn't get overrun by a load of Bernard Tismans because that name spell's trouble.

Edited April 7, 2012 by berchukit

[berchukit]

BERNARD TISBOY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY‏

 

 

One day it was decided that Bernard Tisboy should have a birthday party as his birthday was only a few days away.

 

On the day of Bernie Tisboy's birthday he was invited to his cousin Alan Chine, who lived in Dog Poo Road, Fried Barnet, in the London Borough of Bernie.

 

The block of flats where the invitation was to be held, was none other than Tyger's Court.

 

On arrival at the flats in Dog Poo Road, Bernard Tisboy received quite a number of Birthday presents. He opened up one of the presents and found a box loaded with horse manure. He then opened up the second birthday present and found a couple of dead rats.

 

These were Bernie's birthday presents.

 

The two dead rats were a surprise birthday gift.

 

Then came more presents.

 

Bernie opened up another present and found a human head inside a box - a head without a body, and another present - this time, a bottle full of urine.

 

And birthday cards. Among them, a birthday card stained in sauce, and a birthday card loaded with bees.

 

Then the song ' Happy Birthday to your head and your body.'

 

The birthday cake was laid out, but with caution, because it had a bomb inside it.

 

Any false move and the bomb in the birthday cake could go off with the result that the cake could blow up causing the whole block of flats to collapse.

 

Before the cake was served out the bomb had to be defused so Alan Chine phoned 999 and a couple of soldiers came round and defused the bomb in the birthday cake, Now all was safe to eat.

 

For the special lunch that was served to mark the man's birthday there was potato shmutters and salt beef, served with walker beans, Bristle Sprouts and so on.

 

For afters there was roast ice cream and black peaches.

[berchukit]

BERNARD TISBOY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY‏

 

 

One day it was decided that Bernard Tisboy should have a birthday party as his birthday was only a few days away.

 

On the day of Bernie Tisboy's birthday he was invited to his cousin Alan Chine, who lived in Dog Poo Road, Fried Barnet, in the London Borough of Bernie.

 

The block of flats where the invitation was to be held, was none other than Tyger's Court.

 

On arrival at the flats in Dog Poo Road, Bernard Tisboy received quite a number of Birthday presents. He opened up one of the presents and found a box loaded with horse manure. He then opened up the second birthday present and found a couple of dead rats.

 

These were Bernie's birthday presents.

 

The two dead rats were a surprise birthday gift.

 

Then came more presents.

 

Bernie opened up another present and found a human head inside a box - a head without a body, and another present - this time, a bottle full of urine.

 

And birthday cards. Among them, a birthday card stained in sauce, and a birthday card loaded with bees.

 

Then the song ' Happy Birthday to your head and your body.'

 

The birthday cake was laid out, but with caution, because it had a bomb inside it.

 

Any false move and the bomb in the birthday cake could go off with the result that the cake could blow up causing the whole block of flats to collapse.

 

Before the cake was served out the bomb had to be defused so Alan Chine phoned 999 and a couple of soldiers came round and defused the bomb in the birthday cake, Now all was safe to eat.

 

For the special lunch that was served to mark the man's birthday there was potato shmutters and salt beef, served with walker beans, Bristle Sprouts and so on.

 

For afters there was roast ice cream and black peaches.

[berchukit]

THE OSTOMY BAG THAT FELL OFF

 

 

 

 

One day as Bernard Tisman was returning home, as soon as he got off the dial a ride, he was met with a terrible accident.

The stoma bag that he was wearing fell off and slid down his trousers, after breaking away from the base plate (flange) on his body.

The bag had been clipped on and locked but, without warning, detached itself from the base plate, broke free and slid down his trousers.

And, what a terrible mess it made,

"Excrement all over the place and the stoma bag dropped down on the ground.

Not only that.

The accident with the stoma bag also stained his trousers, his pants and his T shirt.

The carer came out and saw Bernard Tisman put a soiled stoma bag into the yellow bin loose.

She told him to put it into the yellow bag instead, because the bin could get contaminated and spread germs.

The derailment of the stoma bag from his body meant that Bernie had to return to his flat with nothing to cover his stoma with and protect him against the inevitable.

And what would have happened.

Bernard Tisman would have ended up soiling his clothes, even having stools running right down his trousers and out onto the carpeting inside Goodmayes Lodge.

Luckily no bowel movement took place otherwise Bernard Tisman would have created a terrible mess inside Goodmayes Lodge.

The worse scenario would have been stoma contents littering the carpeting and floors inside the support home and the whole block , making it really unpleasant for other residents to walk pass for they would have stepped over the stools (body waste).

They could have even ended up having stools shoot right up onto their clothes, and who would have been to blame.

The answer:

"Bernard Tisman.

There's nothing worse than returning to your own flat with no bag to cover your stoma with making you really vulnerable to accidental bowel movements and stools running down your legs and onto the floor.

And there's nothing worse than having the whole block littered with stoma contents, the sort of thing that can happen if you come inside the building with no stoma bag to protect you from having terrible accidents, ending up with mess on the floor.

Bernard Tisman was in a terrible state and had to change his clothes, putting the soiled garments into the laundry basket.

Straight away Bernie put on a fresh bag and no more accidents took place

[berchukit]

LATEST NEWS ON BERNARD TISMAN WHO GOT EXPELLED FROM HIS CLUB‏

 

 

 

 

 

Just recently Bernard Tisman got expelled from The Michael Den day Centre for chucking his dinner on the floor and urinating on a dinner plate.

He got kicked out and became violent.

He wanted revenge, so he got hold of a car and chucked it through the window,crashing right into the dining room tables.

Luckily no one was sitting at the tables otherwise they would have been killed.

 

One of the builders building the new Dennis Centre reacted violently by chucking a tree at Bernard Tisman. It missed him by an inch.

Bernie then darted like a shot down Blenheim Avenue and went absolutely berserk.

He lashed out and kicked one of the cars up into the sky - with such great force that the car crashed into one of the houses and whizzed right through, landing up in a neighbour's garden.

 

The neighbour, Bill Toilet ran out into the street and shouted at Bernard Tisman:

 

"Go on, Oppit, you mad scummy vandal, you wrecked my house."

 

Bernard Tisman rushed out into the main road and yanked a tree out of the pavement.

A bus came along and he chucked the tree at the bus.

Such was the force of the impact that the bus toppled over.

 

One policeman, PC Cowpie, grabbed hold of Bernard Tisman and knocked him flying, with such force that he flew across Cranbrook road and through Valentines Park, coming out of the other end by The Drive.

He became even madder, and as he boarded a bus he threw the driver out and took over the wheel.

He started acting strange and drove the bus on the pavement. he then got out of the bus and turned it upside down.

Everybody inside fell on top of one another and wanted revenge, so they all got out of the bus and grabbed hold ofBernard Tisman and chucked him into a bin.

Bernie climbed out and shot right down Coventry Road, ripping pavements up.

He even ate one of the pavements.

He then continued on his mad rampage and shot through street after street, punching loads of houses and having a fight with two other Bernard Tismans.

He then dashed out into Ley Street and dashed straight across the road, through Grigg's Approach and into Winston Way, walking right in the middle of the road, dodging vehicle after vehicle.

 

By the time Bernard Tisman got into Green Lane Bernie Tisman had already caused millions of pounds worth of damage.

 

However the trail of destruction which resulted from a violent reaction to being expelled from his club didn't stop, he just continued going off his rocker, kicking loads of cars and shouting f--- off at loads of people, and telling passers - by to drop dead.

 

No one could control the man who got banned for good from his day centre.

 

Then,

 

"All of a sudden The mayhem died down and Bernard Tisman became normal again.

He walked home to Goodmayes Lodge and went up to Flat 11 as quiet as a mouse.

 

Since the violent outburst Bernard Tisman has remained at home.

 

The Michael Den Centre is now officially out of bounds to Bernie Tisman.

[berchukit]

MAYHEM AT GOODMAYES LODGE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One night Bernard Tismaniac went off his rocker and banged the front door of his flat, then raced out into the corridor, kicking walls and urinating on every flat door.

One of the support workers, who was 12 foot tall caught him and shouted:

 

"If you don't shut up mad boy I'll get the police to take you away to Goodmayes Hospital."

 

The man became violent and shouted f---off at the carer on duty. She responded by grabbing hold of him and chucking him up to the ceiling, where he ended up hanging onto a smoke alarm.

 

The man was so heavy that the smoke alarm could not support him and he ended up ripping it off the ceiling. He than went off his rocker and tried to eat the smoke alarm.

 

The carer Miss Stake shouted at him:

 

"Will you please take that thing out of your mouth Bernie Tismadman, Tismaniac.

 

"Oh, shut up you big monster, shouted the mad resident, why don't you get thrown to the lions.

 

"Get back into the room Bernie Tismadman,troublemaker.

 

The man reacted violently, grabbed hold of the carer and knocked her flying.

She flew along the corridor and went,

 

"Smack!,

Right into the wall.

In fact, such was the force that she made a hole in the wall.

The woman in charge came out, flew in a mad rage towards the madman Bernie and chucked him down the stairs.

This made him madder than ever and rushed right out into the car park, banged the bins and jumped up on top of one of the cars and stamped on it, so violent that he made a hole in the roof. He then ran out into the street and ripped lamp posts out of the pavement, throwing them across the road.

He even dug the road up with his head and sucked a mains pipe beneath, sending out electric shocks which were so fierce that he got thrown up into the air and landed up on top of Parkside theatre.

 

 

Still in his fit of madness Bernard Tismaniac burst into Parkside and threw chairs out of the windows.

He then rushed across the road and went back into Goodmayes Lodge, when the carer shouted at him:

 

"Get out of this block Mad Boy I don't want you, you're just a big monster who should be locked up."

 

Bernie had to spend the night locked out in the car park after the fracas with the carer Miss Stake in Goodmayes Lodge.

 

Come Friday the next morning Miss Stake left to go home and when she saw Bernard Tisman she told him to hop it or get locked up in Goodmayes.

Then along came Daffy Dill, one of the other support workers and had to phone Bernard Tisman's cousin Alan Tortoise to get Bernie sectioned after the mad rampage the previous night and the violent confrontation with the sleep in carer Miss Stake.

 

When Daffy Dill came up to Bernard Tismaniac's flat she saw it in a right mess , with dinner plates smashed all over the place and excrement smeared all over the walls. And it it arf pong.

 

The flat was a right pig sty.

 

There were also doors that had been wrenched right off their hinges because Bernie Tismaniac had banged them so violently.

 

But that's not the end of the story because Bernard Tismaniac is about to take revenge.

 

He rush's toward's Goodmayes Lodge and kick's it up into the sky, knocking it flying.

The block of flats then flies along Longbridge Road whilst it's up in the sky and:

 

"Whoosh!

 

"It crash's straight into Lidl completely flattening it.

 

Everybody who was in their flats at the time the block was knocked flying when a madman kicked it up into the sky are thrown about in their homes because of the extreme force.

Even the carers are thrown all over the place.

 

Now that Goodmayes Lodge has crashed into Lidl everything has been flattened.

 

People who were shopping at the time got thrown to the floor when Goodmayes Lodge came crashing down into Lidl after it was knocked flying by Bernard Tismaniac when he kicked it up into the sky in a mad temper.

 

In fact there is so much damage that everything is rendered unsuitable to buy.

 

The sight of a block of flats crashing right down into the Lidl store after flying through the air took everybody by surprise.

 

In the end a crane is used to pull Goodmayes Lodge out of the wreckage of Lidl, then hoist's it up into the air, and into a helicopter. The helicopter is then used to carry the block of flats along Longbridge Road, before returning it to the site from where it was wrenched out of the ground when a madman kicked it up into the sky.

 

However, the support home can't be re - inserted into the foundations from which it was ripped out from after a madman kicked it up into the sky, so the plan is to rehouse every tenant until a new Goodmayes Lodge is built on the site.

 

Meanwhile Bernard Tismaniac is caught by police and bundled into a car. They take him to Goodmayes Hospital and section him for 200 years.