School doesnt seem to understand aspergers im desp

[Elle]

My name is Ellena my daughter has aspergers syndrome. She never use to mix with any children at all it took alot of hard work but finally she made a friend and has been friends with this child since she was five. My daughter is now 8 she has alot of problems but i have always felt she was very luky to have a friend who she gets on with and who excepts her the way she is and is nt put offf ie by her hand flapping and obsessions etc. This is the only child she reallly plays with at school but boyh children are extreamly bright and are in the top abilty groups in their class they do not distrupt other childrens or their own learning they both work hard and behave. [ previously a cuople of years ago my daughter did have behaviour problems but not in school the last couple of years years.] My daughter hates change she has been worried about moving in to the next year group since xmas and the last month has been very anxious and not eating sleeeping veery well. We found out on Monday next academic year she is to be split from her only friend and the only reason is because they say she has to make new friends. The situation is even worse as my daughter is being moved out of the class of children she has been with for the last year and being put into the other class the only child going with her is a child she does not get on with and who has teased her. The children in the class she is being moved to have already been togeather for a year friendships and groups have been established any child would find it hard to go in and make friends its 10 times harder for an asperger child. My daughter is distaut she has not been going sleep till the early hours of the morning since monday and is waking up several times a ngt she is not eating fells sick constantly does not want to go to school. She doesnt understand why only she is moving and thinks the teachers do not like her it has affected her self esteem. I have tried to speak to the teacher and head master and senco but have got no where. I cant get an exceptable reason for why they are doing this to my daughter the other child is alos upset and her parent not happy. I think my daughters work will suffer the closer it gets to next year the worst she willl get. I asked the school if they could consider sending a differant child with her who she did like to make the move a bit easier but they are refusing to even look into it they wont budge on any thing i have explained the affect on my daughter but they are not intersted. I do not know what to do or who to turn to i feel i need to get advice from peiole who know what aspergers is an expert would be great if i could find one to back me up. I am desparte for advice can any one help?

[Suze]

oH elle I feel so sorry for your daughter and you.The school sound dreadful I can,t believe they won,t even discuss it! .Rest assured I,m sure they can be made to do something.There are some ace people on the forum who will tell give you the necessary links.Does your daughter have a DX? Could you talk to her physc and get him to send the school a " LETTER !"...stating the huge anxiety this move will give her.Could you contact the school governors?I s your daughter on the SEN register?....In the meantime I would keep an in depth diary of how this is affecting your daughter, Log all calls to school, copy all letters....and if you have,nt compiled a letter yet do one this weekend with everything you,ve put in your post don,t hold anything back....... give it to the head and let them know you mean business!.....I for one cannot see why they would force this issue it makes no sense at all.....keep fighting for your daughter situations like this can impact on them hugely as I,m sure you know!......P.S. ... welcome to the forum .......P.P.S. is there an Autism support team in your borough they would certainly get the school to listen they,d be the first peeps I,d contact if I was in this situation good luck.

[elainem]

I would also contact the Disability Rights Commission and National Autistic Society ask to speak to an educational advocate.

 

I am so sorry that this happening to your daughter - the teacher, the headteacher and the Senco are behaving despicably. How dare they say they won't discuss it with you .

 

Please keep us posted.

 

Elaine

[bevalee]

I'm so sorry! <'> <'> <'> <'>

[oracle]

Does your daughter see a Consultant or some medical bod for her AS? I would ask for an emergency appointment and try and get them on board. I would also try t he Ed Psy but I know that my sons stated openly that 'These children have to learn to mix!' Of course they all have very different opinions about this. To say that 'she has to make new friends' just show the level of their understanding of her condition. My middle son had one and only one friend from being 4 to 14 when he allowed another lad into his circle. You simply can not force friendship onto our children. They have a social and communication problem and making friends is almost impossible for them. How do they think that putting her into a classroom full of children that she does not know is going to promote friendship?

 

I agree go to NAS and the Disability Rights Commission because in my opinion they 'ARE' treating your daughter less favourable because she has a disability.

 

If you write a letter to the school make sure that you mark it for the attention of the Chair of Governors and state that you want this discussed at a Governing Body meeting an emergency one if necessary, because it's so near the end of term they may of already held their last meeting. Also state that you want a response asap.

 

Do you have a local support group who could help you with this and maybe go to the school with you? What about an autism outreach team? There has to be someone to support you.

 

I agree do keep a diary of how this is effecting your daughter and I would also remind them that when a placement begins to breakdown for children with ASD the first signs is often changes in their behaviour and they are not always for the better.

 

<'> Carole

[puffin]

Sorry to hear about your problems - the school are acting in a disgusting manner - it's a sad fact that there are some teachers - with little understanding - who think that you can change AS behaviour by forcing the child to confront stressful situations. I have been in a similar situation and you have to be very tough and persistent with the school.

 

Have you contacted the LEA? They should have an SEN policy that the school is meant to follow.

 

I would also very strongly recommend that you contact IPSEA - http://www.ipsea.org.uk/ - they have helped many people on this site in similar situations and can give you the best advice. I would also recommend that you demand a meeting and take an ipsea representative with you.

 

good luck

[puffin]

I think you should take her to the GP/pead (if this would not be too stressful for her) and get her physical stress symtoms documented - the fact that the schools decision is making her physically ill is something that could be presented to the HT and Governing Body.

 

Could you get the doctor to writea letter stating the importance of maintaining this existing friendship - she is hardly likely to feel very confident about making new friends when as soon as she does she gets moved. It seems like the school are effectively excluding her from the social side of school. Surely they should have strategies for bringing new children into her circle rather than excluding her from her existing friendships.

[phasmid]

Hi Elle,

 

You're going to have to to hit the ground running on this.

 

Firstly you need the following documents:

 

School SEN Policy (They must have one)

LEA SEN Policy (ditto)

 

Read through them and find ANYTHING that backs your stance. Monday contact any professional who your daughter has contact with (or has in the past) who can back you up with their professional input, ANYBODY!

 

Contact your local Parent Partnership Service (their details SHOULD be on your LEA website). Their job is to assist you at times like this to ensure that the SEN Code of Practice and other policies are being followed. IPSEA will, as suggested also be able to help.

 

Get yourself armed with all these bits and pieces and make an appointment with the school asking that the Head are present.

 

I have to go out now but will look to see what I can find to help you later. Don't despair.

[sel]

HI ELLIE.

 

i think its all been said!,

I really feel for you both. sending u lots of <'>

Hope u get things sorted and soon.

 

Sel.

[Elle]

Thankyou for all your comments its so nice to find people who understand. i have spent all day phoning people conected to a asperger support group and they have all said this is all wrong and are going to see if they can help. I phoned parent partnership but they have a waiting list and will get back when they can. My daughter has aperson from autisim outreach team but they have not been in school since xmas. I phoned them the day before the IEP but she was busy but said she would phone the school. She has not contacted me and the school did not mention her at the meeting so I can onlt assume she agrees with the school or is too busy. I will write to the governers but its very hard for me as i actually work at the school and the senco who is very unhelpful and blunt has onlt been at the school since xmas she doesnt really know my daughter. THe SENCO is actually my line manager. As my daughter was so distraut Monday and tuesday ngt and hadnt ate or hardly slept and been up all night sick with worry i went to see her teacher on Wednesday before i started work to tell her to keep an eye on her. I got upset and asked if a differant child who she liked could be sent with her and she said no. Latter the teacher complained to the SENCO that i had been to see her and i got told off and was spoken to horrible which made me burst into tears again. The senco said i had abused my position and if i wanted to discuss my daughter i was to make an appointment i apologised and said i hadnt intended to discuss the matter i just wanted them to keep an eye on my daughter as she was so distressed. I said i wasnt happy at how the situation was handled and asked the SENCO what the hardest two things were for a child with aspergers she replied very nastily dont you play your games with me whats your point? She said it would be disscussed at her IEP on friday and not before they werent dropping things for this. At the meeting i explained the affect it was having but they were not interested i asked if they could explain why they were spliting her up from her friend when they were not distruptive to anyone else or each others learning and both had the top marks in the class and both learning had improved over the year. She said because my daughter has got to make other friends i said that s easier said then done she has had 8 year to that she does talk to other children but prefers this childs company as she accepts her and they have the same interests. She said it was the schools duty to do this and school wasnt just about education and it would prepare my daughter for senior school. I said she has 3 more years till senior school and thats a change that is enevertable and my daughter knows that will happen and has alot of time to get use to it and she will be older then she is only 8 now. I pointed out that my daughter and her friend are not the only pair of children in the school who choose to only play with each other if its such a big problem for children to play wiith more then one person why wernt they splitting up other sets of children. SHE SAID BECAUSE YOUR DAUGHTERS THE ONLY ONE WITH ASPERGERS. We are doing it because she has aspergers. they said when your daughters friend is away your daughter plays on her own and she shoildnt. The teacher said yes she plays very happyily on her own i said so why is it a problem if she is happy. I asked why if they had to do it it was my daughter being took out of her class and put in the other as the child would have coped with the move better. She said becasue the teacher of the other class my daughter has had one hour a day since xmas foe literacy so it is continuality. I expplained that my daughter said she didnt care what teacher she had she wanted to be with the children she knew. I also ponted out that last year she could have had the teacher they are sending her to next year but the previous senco decided she would be better with a newly qualified teacher as this teacher has mutiplesorrosis and has time off which meant if she had alot of time off my daughter would have to deal with lots of supply teachers so they didnt think this would be good as she neede continuality. I asked why they were now giving her this teacher and what would happen if she was off alot and my daughter went awol casue she couldnt cope with the suppy changes. THe senco said we will deal with that if it happens. I asked if my daughter could have a differant child who she did like to go with her as the only child they are sendding is a child she doesnt get on with who has teased her. They said no parents can not pick and chose which children will be in their childs class and my daughters got to learn to get on with people she doesnt like thats life shes got to learn she cant get her own way. I said but your not taking her views into consideration. The Senco said her and the teacher would talk to her on Monday but i could not be pressant. I said if she tells you how unhappy she is will you at least change the child she said im not sayng we will change any thing take it that everything satnds as we have said and wont be changing. I asked why there had been no provision for my daughter ie interaction group social story etc to prepare her for all this they said we will llook at dooing a soaial story next week. I left in tears felling like i had been talking to a brick wall, i find the senco very intimidating. I told my daughter she would be talking to the senco etc on monday bout how she feels and she said she doesnt want to she will get in trouble as they said shes got to get use to it an got to play with this other child. She does not want to go school on monday. SHE DOESNT WANT TO GO ANYWHERE . sHE GOES DRAMA TODAY SHE LOVES IT AND HAS BEEN GOUING FOR A YEAR TODAY THE FIRST TIME EVER SHE DIDNT WANT TO GO, I struggled to get her to go but she cam ehome after 1 hour saying she feeels sick because shes worried. it is making me fell ill i have been intears again and havent been able to eat anything since yesterday morning i feel so helplesss as i feel i can not help her. I feel the school doesnt care and hasnt got her best interests at heart i feel like moving her school but you will all know the implications and affect of that for her. Ive even debated about contacting the local paper.

[Zemanski]

do not speak to anyone about your child in school without another adult present to support you

 

ring parent partnership again and explain you are really in crisis and need someone now - they may budge and find you an IPS although they may not be the best; they should attend meetings and have some idea of the code of practice - they wil be independent moral support if nothing else.

 

there should be an advisor or team for autism - ring your responsible officer and ask for their number (if you have a statement it should have the phone number on the documents somewhere or your LEA will have it on the website (look under SEN or social inclusion))

 

Tell the advisor everything (meet with them if you can and set out what you want for your daughter together) then ask the advisor to attend a meeting with the senco and head to see if you can sort something out.

Make sure any meeting is minuted by someone you trust (parent partnership, someone from a local support group, or even just a friend you trust from outside the school (don't take a friend that might try to defend you and get embroiled in all the emotions though - someone stable and supportive is best, everything needs to be kept as calm as possible))

 

One of Com's teachers split him off from his two friends for the same reasons in Y4 - it was a complete disaster but at least it was only within the same class and could be easily rectified when it became clear it was the wrong thing to do

 

stay strong

 

Zemanski

[oracle]

I really do not think that they should be speaking to your daughter alone anymore without an advocat. This does not have to be you, in fact because you also work at the school it is probably better if it is not you. You can find children's advocats who are trained in ASD. I really would put my foot down now and say that unless there is someone in the room with specific ASD knowledge you do not want them speaking to your daughter. She is unhappy and upset and may not fully understand what they are talking about. Some of our children actually have set phrases and scripts which they offer to adults when they think something is expected of them. Hope that makes sense?

 

Ring the Outreach Team first thing Monday and stress that this is now urgent and you want something done like yesterday!!! If they have been into the school I would want to know what happened. My guess is that they have not and that the SENCO from hell is doing all of this off her own bat. She sounds very like my youngest sons ed psy who was determined that Matthew would mix at any cost to him. It is cruel you can not force someone with a social and communication disorder to make friends with others.

 

My eldest son with AS was fine in Primary School because he always had his friend. Six weeks into Secondary he had a breakdown. They had been split up. Of course you know that the change over is going to be difficult but the big issue here is 'transition and planning' If they are worried about the friendship they should try and wean your daughter away from her friend slowly and over a period of time. And who are they to chose her friends anyway? My middle son remains friends with his friend to this day, even though their lives are going in totally different directions. It is very cruel just to seperate them.May I ask what the other child's parents think about this?

 

 

IPSEA really are a good one to contact now. And I would certainly ring the Disability Discrimination people.

 

I run a Group called Autism-in-Mind and we are a national group. I do know that you can arrange children's advocats because we have done it. Where do you live? I agree that you must always have someone with you in meetings now and make sure that EVERYTHING is written down.

 

Sorry if I appear to be ranting at you but tis has made me really angry

 

Carole

[Elle]

Hello thanks for all this support. I live in Leicester. My daughters friend is also very upset but obviously not to the extent my daughter is. The other childs parents are upset and angry and do not want the children split up and have been in school about it and seen the head teacher and teacher and SENCO but have got no where and are not happy with the reasons for it they believe that as long as their daughter is happy and achieving good marks that all that should matter and they think her work will deteriate now. How do i get an education advocate for my daughter. Im very worried that even if i tell them i do not want them speaking to my daughter with out an independant person there they will do it any way while she is in class. I got my daughter to write how she feels as i said it may help her to stop worrying. She has done this. Do you think i should photocopy this and give this to the SENCO or any one? I am going to ask for a copy of everything in my daughters SEN files but i do not know what they will say. My daughter use to have a social interaction group with children in her class but it was stoped months ago as the teaching assistant said she didnt need it as she was making friends and mixing. I felt at the time she neede it still but it was stoped. Now theey are saying she has got to be split and moved to make friends. I think this is a contradiction if she didnt need the group because it was felt she made friends wheres the justification for the split and if she isnt making friends why was the interaction group stoped?Does anyone know if its worth seeing a solicitor or if you can get leagal aid for this kind of thing. I have been on the ipfsea site and will phone them on MOnday. Does anyonre think its worth writting to my MP or a ombudsman or some one sugeested the secretery for education Ruth Kelly but i dont know if thats over the top or going to high?If i have to would it be worth going to a tribunal or is this just for staemented children my daughter has a diagnosis and is on the SEN register at school action plus but she is not statemented. Does anyone know if thers any medication to help her ie sleep stop feeling sick and anxious?

[Helen]

Elle,

 

You've already been given some good advice.

 

Just another suggestion, why don't you and the other set of parents get together and meet with the headteacher to discuss this issue?

 

With regards to the social skills group, was this type of interaction mentioned as a target on your daughter's IEP? If it was mentioned then the completed IEP should have stated the reasons for the discontinuation of the social skills group. You made a valid point when you said:

My daughter use to have a social interaction group with children in her class but it was stoped months ago as the teaching assistant said she didnt need it as she was making friends and mixing. I felt at the time she neede it still but it was stoped. Now theey are saying she has got to be split and moved to make friends. I think this is a contradiction if she didnt need the group because it was felt she made friends wheres the justification for the split and if she isnt making friends why was the interaction group stoped?

On the subject of a children's advocate which Carole so rightly mentioned, could you trust anyone other than yourself to be your child's advocate? If you (the parent) feels intimidated by the Senco then you can imagine how your daughter would feel when two people in authority will want to speak with her.

The Senco said her and the teacher would talk to her on Monday but i could not be pressant.

If the Senco and the teacher want to speak with your daughter then they could do this at the end of the school day when you would be available to talk and wearing your 'parent's hat'; your daughter will feel less intimidated with you by her side.

 

I had to write to my son's school on one occasion over a particular matter to inform the school that should certain staff want to question my son then either my husband or I would have to be present - as far as I was concerned my instruction was non-negotiable.

 

You need to tread carefully in relation to the action that you are considering, i.e. contacting your MP/the Ombudsman - be careful you don?t jeopardise your job.

Does anyone know if thers any medication to help her ie sleep stop feeling sick and anxious?

Thankfully my son hasn't had the need to take medication - I'm guessing that if you manage to get your daughter's educational needs and her physical needs acknowledged and accepted by the Senco, then perhaps your daughter's well being will improve?

Edited July 3, 2005 by Helen

[phasmid]

Elle,

 

Phew! Where to start?

 

LEA policy is a good point, you say you live in Leicester. Is Leicester City Council your LEA? Have just been trawling their website for info, but before I go plunging in I need to be sure I am looking at the right LEA!

 

Next, dealing with the school.

 

This is particularly difficult given the circumstances and my heart goes out to you. Given the fact that these are your work colleagues cannot make this any easier - in fact it makes things so much harder for you. Do you have a husband or partner who can step in here and deal with this instead of you? It is what Mrs Phasmid did when our children were at my school, or at their middle school when I was a governor there, this allows you to keep your professional life and personal one seperate - I know that is not easy when you are dealing with an issue along the lines of what you are dealing with. But, it might be easier for you if this is possible. If this is not possible you need someone to speak for you. They can do this without the difficulty of having to deal with, in effect, their boss. Ipsea and so on are the best bet for this. You simply CANNOT try and deal with this alone.

 

I cannot understand why the school are being so inflexible. I have, at work, seen this situation arise more than once. When one child begins to rely on another to the detriment of both then something needs to be done to address this. From what you are saying this is not the case here. The fact that the other parents have also expressed the same concerns as you would indicate that they do not see the continued friendship as being a problem. Your daughter has a DX of a condition that makes it very hard for her to form new relationships. I'd be asking them if they would take away cruches from a child with a broken leg on the basis that they are going to have to learn to walk without sooner or later? Would they take away a hearing aid? A wheelchair? etc on the same basis. A sensible solution to the problem (that they are seeing) is not to pull the rug out from both children in such a dramatic fashion. Suggest they are left in the same class as each other next year but, use this year to begin to lay the groundwork to put them in seperate classes NEXT year. Have them intorduce other children for them to work with and over a period of time get them both used to working apart for short periods. These can be lengthened over the course of the year. It needs to be a gradual process... it HAS TO BE a gradual process. From what I can see, at least in your daughters case they are going to end up witha school refuser as a result of their actions - that helps nobody, least of all your daughter.

 

Do you know if your daughters school has a website? (Do not post it up if they do) If they do do they have any school policies on it? Have a look and let us know. If they do, on both counts I'd like to look at them - you can PM me with the details. Your doing everything right. Hang in there!

 

You are not alone on this anymore - you have a small army sitting here to support you. We'll do the research, we'll point you in the right directions, we'll help you through this.

[phasmid]

Go here and print off anything you feel they need to know. Put it in an envelope and hand it in...or leave it somewhere. Hell, if it were me I'd pin it up in the staffroom!

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=129

[Elle]

Yes Leicester City is my LEA. No i do not have a partner I am a single parent. My mum can not do it as she also works at the school and my dad is dead.The school does have a website but I havent got the address at home ill have to get it. I have got some policys as i am doing a degree to train to be a teacher and had to get some for my course how ever when i tried to get policys alot are way out of date and are in the process of being sorted out. This is because their have been alot of staff changes including the SENCO who has only been here since January. Thankyou so much I do not feel so alone now i wish I had got the internet and knew about this site years ago. I am going to write to the head teacher me and the other parent saw hom briefly togeather and the other parent saw him again on her own. The other parent and her husband and father are going to make another appointment on Monday. I am going to write a letter to the governers. I am taking my daughter doctors on Monday as I m really worried about her health as as I said she is not sleeping or eating and feeling sick and doesnt want to go any where just sit in her room rocking and lining her small animals up.I am concerned about my job but Im more concerned about my daughter to be honest I think i will have to give my notice in as i dont see how i can work there any more they are not going to be happy i am takin g this further especially the SENCO and as I said she is my line manager. I am going to write a letter saying i do not want them to speak to my daughter with out me or another independant adult pressant. My daugheter has actually wrote all her thoughts and feelings down on paper so I do not k now weather to give them a photcopy of this allthough i think my daughter may think sah will get in trouble and not want them to read it. So does everyone think the letter to the MP or odbusman is a bad idea?

[oracle]

Take the letter with you when you go and see the GP. It appears that you daughters mental health is begining to suffer already and this needs to be noted. This is really where the Outreach Team should be being brought in. If the school feel that your daughter is too dependant on her friend then this could eaisly have been dealt with between now and the move to Comprehensive Education.

 

You have a local Carers Centre in your area here is the link http://www.carers.org/home/centre-details.asp?id=45&area=4 It may be worth ringing them on Monday and asking them if they could help with an advocate if it becomes necessay. They should also be able to point you in the direction of some local hands on help for you.

 

This is what they have listed. Service Title: Advocacy Service

 

Description: Help and support dealing with authorities and services. We will act as intermediaries and/or representatives at meetings, reviews, assessments and tribunals. Assistance with all form-filling, including benefits forms, etc.

 

 

Contact Details: CLASP on (0116) 251 0999, or email leicester.carers@virgin.net

 

Now this may not be designed for children but they should have contacts.

 

 

If this comes to nothing and they can not help then just come back here and yell. we will hear you.

 

Carole

Edited July 3, 2005 by carole

[Helen]

So does everyone think the letter to the MP or odbusman is a bad idea?

Seeing that you have asked for an opinion... I don't think the time is right for you to write to the MP or to the Ombudsman.

 

If there is one thing that I have learnt during my battles with the educational system it is that a parent has to acquire a lot of written documentation by procedure, this is their evidence to show that they have done their utmost to resolve a dispute. This is an extremely time consuming venture, but it is necessary.

 

If a parent wants to make a complaint or wants to take an issue further this has to be done from base level upwards. Informal conversations/telephone calls won't have substance, the parent has to put everything down in writing. The parent ought to follow the school's complaints policy e.g. contact could possibly begin with the form teacher, then possibly with the Senco, then with the headteacher, then with the school's governing body, then with the LEA, then with anyone else who is of high status, such as the MP or the Ombudsman. If a parent doesn't follow procedure they are leaving themselves open to criticism.

 

If you wish to write to the Ombudsman can I suggest that you have a telephone conversation with the Ombudsman first, just to make sure that you're eligible to make a complaint.

Edited July 3, 2005 by Helen

[phasmid]

I agree with Helen. It is a red tape nightmare but, I'm afraid it is one you need to follow. If you try to skip a stage in the complaints procedue it is all likely to come to a grinding halt. You need the school policy on SEN and the complaints procedure. On the LEA website is a list of schools who have websites. If yours s one of them it may be on there - that would save you asking for it.

[Zemanski]

do everything by email or in writing if you can - that is the only way to make sure you have solid evidence, and all meetings should be minuted

 

the ombudsman will not accept a case unless you have complained to the council and given them a chance to reply -

 

http://www.lgo.org.uk/

 

they will expect complaints to have been made to governors and the LEA chief executive so this is a long process but worth it if things don't get resolved with the lower level complaints.

 

We went to the ombudsman because the LEA were using an illegal admissions policy and this was actually stated in the tribunal decision, it was quite lengthy but we already had all the evidence from the tribunal.

The LEA tried to get the tribunal to rescind the decision because they didn't like the bit about the policy (which the ombudsman discovered and was furious about!) but ended up having to change the admissions policy - although they still try to manipulate parents to avoid complying with parental preference.

 

I think being handed a copy of the draft policy by my old head demanding ' are you responsible for this?' was one of the best moments of my life

 

 

start to write up a record of what has been going on - with dates

 

I keep mine on the calendar in outlook - it can be printed out in several formats,( it is very useful for seeing patterns and progression over time so I keep it even when things are fine and try to enter achievements too).

 

you might like to keep separate records of how they treat your daughter and how they treat you (or label entries different colours)

 

stay strong

 

Zemanski

[Helen]

I think being handed a copy of the draft policy by my old head demanding ' are you responsible for this?' was one of the best moments of my life

Oh well done Zemanski!

[Hectorshouse]

Elle I can't add anything to the already fantastic advice you have recieved, but I am so glad that you found this forum, there is so much support here. Together we share and advise, and the more us parents share our knowledge the less the system can stitch us up.

 

Take care, try to be strong, and share whenever you can.

 

HHxx

[littlenemo]

I think being handed a copy of the draft policy by my old head demanding ' are you responsible for this?' was one of the best moments of my life

My best moment was during the tribunal:

 

Chairman: So, to make this absolutely clear, the admissions policy was drawn up in order to circumvent the law?

LEA rep: Um...yes.

Followed by the silent sound of seven jaws dropping to the table.(very Zen)

 

Elle, it's long and draining and mostly paperwork, but you know you are in the right, so you will win. And you're not on your own - there are around a thousand people here with advice and support, or just to be a shoulder to cry on when it gets too much.

 

fight the good fight

 

nemo (zemanski's partner)

[LKS]

Elle reading this post made me so angry. Another example of a complete lack of understanding about this condition by the experts in education. Please have the belief in yourself to see this through. I must really agree with the other posters that say you must follow the proper steps. It is very time consuming and frustrating but it must be done in this way otherwise the school and LEA do/will come down on you like a ton of bricks. Last year my son who has aspergers was put into a class without his only 2 friends. This was done to encourage him to socialise more. Despite my protests and a letter from the paed. they went ahead with this class. It was the WORST year we have ever had. He became more isolated and the attitude of other kids to his problems was appalling. The heads answer to this was to call my son into his office for twice weekly meetings to discuss his feelings and emotions. Duh... I didn't know about forums like this, I didn't know about parent partnership, I didn't have access to the internet. My sons behaviour in re-action to all this almost led to him being excluded. You cannot make children such as these socialise more, what you can do as has already been said is have strategies for bringing new children into their circle rather than exclude them from existing friendships. I couldn't agree more with this . If they were concerned about this friendship and how dependant your daughter was becoming on it something should have been planned and discussed with you a long time ago. I wish you lots of luck with this and we are all here for you.

[Elle]

I really feel im am fighting a losing battle. I have gave a letter to the head teacher today [it took me 5and half hours to do] i also gave letters to tha SENCO and teacher and assistant saying I didnt want anyone speaking to my daughter with out me or an independant person or advocate pressent. I do not know what they think of the letters yet. I took my daughter doctors after yet another bad ngt but they can not give her anything to help her sleep she has not been school today and does not want to go tomos as she says she feels to sick?

 

I phoned my daughters autisim outreach person last Thursday but she has not contacted me. Two other people have phoned her for me today and she has told them that the school must be doing this in my daughters best interest and she couldnt believe otherwie as she has known the SENCO for years as she did her degree with her and use to work with her and spoke to her at home on thursday ngt. She told the people she has arranged a meeting with me and the SENCO etc on Wednesday but no one ha told me about it and I do not even know what time it is I will have to ask tomos but how am i going to get some one to come with me at such short notice? Both the SENCO and autisim lady have my home number? I feel very upset that the autiam outreach lady actually knows this SENCO outside of work and feel im wasting my time as if she is friends with her how will she be objective? Also if the autisim outreach lady is siding with the SENCO she is classed as an expert in Aspergers so who is going to side with me over her? The head and governerss are bound to take the word of a speciallist.

 

I feel drained and exhausted i am so tired as i have had hardly any sleep i havent been avble to eat since this morning again its now 10.10 pm and my daughters awake feeling sick. I willl be a emotional wreck at this meeting tryi ng to fight against several people. THe parent of the other child has arranged a meetong with SENCO assitamnt head etc on WEdnesday she asked for mne to be there but was told it wasnt nesscery and no opoint. The SENCO phoned her and said there was no way she was leeting us win this and she would have her way and looked forward to thrashing it out with her on Wednesday. She is bound to be confident when she knows she has the support of the autisim outreach team. I feel i will not get any where again and the SENCO will have her way.

[hev]

hello elle

im not very good at giving advice,it must be so hard for you but keep posting on here and the others will give you all the advice you need,take care love hev

[Hectorshouse]

I keep reading this thread in stunned amazement, the ignorance of some people astounds me, and having been at the receiving end of a SENCO's retribution myself I still get shocked by the complete unprofessionalism of it all. It does not matter that the autism outreach has known her for years, that does not give her the right to make such snap judgements, that comment alone is worthy of complaint, I would ask to speak to a senior member of the LEA SEN team and ask if this is appropriate, do make a complaint against the SENCO and do follow the procedures, its worth it, it takes its time but its worth it.

 

Hassle again and find out what time the meeting is, go up to school and stay there until they tell you, I've spent my time glowering at the receptionist at school on many an occasion, refusing to leave until I have been informed of what the ###### is going on. You have a right to know, and the fact that you haven't been informed is worthy of another complaint. This is maladministration, and outside of the legislative procedure.

 

Have you contacted Parent Partnership Service, they would be able to accompany you to the meeting, and if you have a social worker, get them on the case, if not speak to them anyway and see if you can get a duty social worker on your side. Sorry don't mean to preach, but I cannot beleive how your being treated and the effect that this must be having on your daughter must be devastating. Hang in there, we will support you however we can.

 

HHxx

[elainem]

Elle,

 

I am so sorry this is continuing you must be at your wits end, but please keep posting, there are lots of us here and we will help you fight this injustice any way we can.

 

I can't really add much to the excellent advice you have already had - however I would just reiterate you must keep a written record of everything that's been said. Some of the comments made by so called professionals beggar belief and you need a record of them to use to support your case.

 

I feel you absolutely need someone in that meeting who is on your side but to be honest I am unsure who you could get at such short notice. I think you should def contact NAS and see if they can guide you, or Disability Rights or IPSEA as mentioned before. I know it sounds like a fishing trip but hopefully you should be able to get some expert impartial help.

 

This is a really horrible situation for you I know, you just have to keep strong, and keep asking for help.

 

Remember also, that this is just one meeting, it does not have to be end of story.

 

Hope you get somehting sorted today.

 

Elainexx <'> <'> <'>

[Elle]

the school told me today that they can talk to my daughter with out me pressent as when she is at school they re her legal gurdians and there was a law for this i forgot what they said it was called. they said they have sent my letter to a legal advissor to verify. is this true? i also asked to see my daughrts sen file today and i asked to photocopy some of it but they said i could have her ieps but not certain other things because of confidentialty. i said but im her legal gurdian is it not up to me who knows what about my daughter they said no my daughter has a right to confidentiality is this right are you not allowed to phtocopy these things that are only about your own daughter?

 

does anyone know if it is ok for the autisum outreach lady to deal with this case if she actually knows the senco? would she be objective?

 

I have been told the meeting is at 1.30 cant get hold of parent partner ship

[Zemanski]

Oh, ######!

 

find a friend to take, any friend, ask your vicar or childminder or next door neighbour if you have to.

 

keep calling IPSEA, NAS and PP - you need all the advice they can give you and you will get through eventually

 

There are some things that you can't copy from a child's records I think but you may still be entitled to see them. I'm not very sure about this but there are good threads on school records - here's one of them

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=543

 

Zemanski

[bid]

Hi <'>

 

Ask whoever you find to go with you to take minutes of this meeting, so that you have a written record of what is said. You are perfectly entitled to do this, I'm sure.

 

I'm not sure whether afterwards you then need to circulate the minutes to the other people present in order for the minutes to be a 'formal' record. Does anyone else know?

 

You may find that just the prospect of someone writing down what they say may make these 'professionals' behave a bit better!

 

Good luck, this is an awful position to be in

 

Whereabouts do you live?

 

Bid <'>

[nellie]

Elle,

 

Try ringing IPSEA at 7pm when their helpline opens, you will have a better chance of getting through.

 

England and Wales (freephone):

0800 0184016

Mon to Thu 10--4 and 7--9;

Fri 10--1 and 7--9

During school holidays times are reduced. Please ring for availability.

 

Good luck

 

Nellie <'>

[Elle]

I live in Leicester will phone ispea

[oracle]

What about Leicestershire Autistic Society? They are in your area and I know that they advocate for parents?

 

Carole

[Helen]

Elle,

 

Being that your daughter has a dx of Asperger's Syndrome phone the Disability Rights Commission on tel: 08457 622 633 - there can be a huge waiting list for someone to answer your call but please be patient as the advice is well worth waiting for. The telephone lines are open weekdays between 08:00 and 20:00.

 

Tell the advisor about the problems you are currently having - with regards to the legality of being present when a member of staff wants to question your daughter, ask the advisor to explain to you the term 'making a request for a reasonable adjustment'.

 

The advisor may even be able to dictate a brief letter to you for you to send to the school.

Edited July 5, 2005 by Helen

[Suze]

Elle just tracked this thread again and gosh ......to put it mildly I can,t believe the nightmare you,ve been having. <'> <'> <'> big cyber hugs they won,t do a lot to help your situation but wanted you to know thinking of you and your daughter.

[Suze]

Just another thought .......I know your probably running around like a blue ar*sed fly calling everyone but do keep a diary.Write everything regarding your daughters anxiety....what she managed to eat how much sleep she had wether she says she wants to die anything and everything that indicates the daily anxiety and suffering she is going through. A brief look at this by any DR or physch will indicate the problems she is having regarding this class change. Hope the meeting today was o.k. thinking of you.

[puffin]

I would also add that you should make a note of every conversation/telephone call that you have with the school or other parties - name/date /time/ summary of what was said/ direct quotes etc. I bought a notebook when i had similar troubles a year ago - contemperaneous notes are often highly regarded when it comes to appeals.

 

I would be tempted to contact whoever is in charge of autism outreach and request that you be assigned a new worker as you feel that she has a conflict of interest as she has admitted that she is a friend of the SENCO and that you are in dispute with the school.

 

have you contacted the LEA's autism/SEN advisor - perhaps they can bring some pressure to bear from above.

 

It sounds like the SENCO is treating this as a challenge to her power and a battles of wills - yet seems to placing her own ego above your daughter by her refusal to compromise. I have encountered this "we're right and your wrong" attitude before and it is very draining. have you considered whether your daighter would be better off in another school if the SENCO is going to try and impose her peronal prejudices on your child for the next years. we moved our daughter - it was the

hardest decision - but developmentally she has come on so much more in the past year than we could have ever imagined.

 

If they want to play hardball - give them hardball back - one thing i do recommend is to always take someone with you to meetings.

[Elle]

I spoke to my daughter last ngt about how she was feeling and taperecorded it with out her knowing. She said a few very upseting things she said she feels like her heart is broken she feels like someone has took a knofe and slashed it through her and her friend she also said she thinks she will die she said mummy im not eating very well im not sleeping i dont want to do anything if im noot going to be with R[friend] i will gat worse and i still wont be ablw to eat or sleep mummy do you know that if you dont eat or sleep you die i think i will die soon can you not bury me in the ground put me in a glass thing. She finally went sleep at 2.15am.

 

I spent all ngt sorting out things to take to m eeting. I felt so tired today i couldnt eat. The other parent had their meeting at 9.00 they rang me to say it hadnt gone well. the school wouldnt budge the senco said she didnt know hr child that well and and she asked the senco not to patronise her and the senco said the parent obviously didnt understand what the word meant.

 

I had my meeting my aunti came and a lady ive not met from parent cares and the senco teaching assistant and autisim outreach worker was their. Briefly what happende was.

The autism lady said that her knowing bthe senco would not affect her thoughts. the senco spoke to me appropiatly this time. They said the move was good because the friendship was too close and it was felt both children would mix with others if they were not togeather i said i disagreed and they did play wiyth other children togeather some times. i said it had been handled bad i didnt agree with the split but i had tried to compromise and ask for a differnat child to be sent with my daughter who she did like or for my daughter to remain in her class but they had refused to compromise. The senco said that as all the children in school had found out where they were going yesterday it was to late for either of these to happpen. I said i felt it shoiuld have been discussed weekds ago and been done gradually and interaction groups should have been inplace and socials storys etc. They said they would do an interaction next term i said i felt that was too late. I said 2 weeks hadnt been adequte for my daughter to get use to it and the senco said she had worked with autistic children and felt it was long enough. both the autistic lady and care lady said 2 weeks were not long emnough and the school should have handled the situation better. i aid its too late for compromises now so why not do it next year and use this year to ween them slowly and get use to it. the senco said thsi would jusrt give them a year to get closer. The care lady and autism lady said they could see why school doing it and thought split would be right just should have been done better. I said i still do not see what the problem is and feel the school has handdled things so bad and gave me a week and half of hell unecessaryly.

 

senco said thay hadnt realised my daughter was bad i pointed out i had told teacher last tues and all of them on wed and her again on friday and nothing had been doen if they had llistend to me then a compromise may have been poss.

 

The teaching asssitant has rang my daughter to get her school to mos my daughter said she felt illl and didnt knoe if she would feel ok to mos the TA said if she came school she would bring her a teddy for a friend to take home. My daughter said she will try to go school to mos. THe autisim lady is going to speak to my daughter with me pressent on friday she said of course i could be ther i said i had been told before i couldnt the senco said it was because she felt i was too emotional and would affect what my daughter said. The senco and TA wanted to speak to my daughter on there own but the autisim lady overruled this and said it was up to me and my daughter.

 

senco said they would get TA to take my daughter itno new teachers class each day to help her get use to it. It ende with nothing changing but the senco said if the children were still upset by next wed they would review and would look at it 2 weeks into next term.

 

i dont know what todo have not told daughter nothing changing yet. I dont know whetre to see what happens take it further ie governers LEA or just take a big step hard choice and move her school as ive lost all trust in this school and they keep saying they didnt say things or saying things like my daughters unhappy as i am etc i havent told my daughter im unhappy and if she wasnt so upset i wouldt have been.they made my daughter out to be lying or as they said confussed and they had nt said she had to play with other girletc and my daughter jhadnt ttold them she was unhappy but my daughter said she had and wouldnt make it up.

 

senco was differant person today even when disagreing did it appropiatly instead of talking to me like cr*p. She said she was worried about my health she hadnt been previously about mme or my daughter ?

 

any advice what to do.