Help! Accusation against son

[lizj]

I will try to keep it short. Son (20) ASD and MLD has been friends with a girl (22) ASD, mental health issues, for some months. She did not want a relationship with him, but said they could be "friends with benefits".

Last month they went out together and on the way home had what he thought was consensual sex.

The relationship has now gone sour, as they all do in the end, and the girl is claiming that she did not consent, that he got her drunk and forced himself on her. She is being backed up by an interfering neighbour friend of hers, who is threatening to go to the police. If they do, it will be his word against hers.

I am so worried. I have been waiting for something like this to happen for years, and I do not know what to do to help.

Edited November 8, 2011 by lizj

[baddad]

Was the interfering neighbour there when they had sex? If yes, why? And more importantly, if he/she was aware that a rape was being committed, why didn't he/she intervene, and why has it taken a month for the accusation to be raised and the police contacted? Would it be normal to 'threaten' to call the police in such a situation rather than calling the police, and what is the threat supposed to achieve?

 

Of course, situations can develop where girls get drunk and have sex and later regret it, and it may be that the case here. Sometimes the fact that a girl had been drinking provides a useful excuse for behaviours they later regret. It is also a fact that girls have and do 'get taken advantage of' under the influence of alcohol, and that the boundaries of 'consent' in those cases can get fuzzy. Date rape, under the influence of alcohol (or worse) is also, sadly, a reality.

 

I think you really need to know more about what happened (appreciating this could be a very difficult conversation with your son) and the nature of the act he is being accused of. If it does come to criminal proceedings (which I guess would be unlikely for something that took place in private a month ago - a terrible situation in cases of genuine rape, but obviously a reality) then it will be 'her word against his' as you say, but the courts are very aware of the implications for both parties and don't make any assumptions in such cases.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[cmuir]

I will try to keep it short. Son (20) ASD and MLD has been friends with a girl (22) ASD, mental health issues, for some months. She did not want a relationship with him, but said they could be "friends with benefits".

Last month they went out together and on the way home had what he thought was consensual sex.

The relationship has now gone sour, as they all do in the end, and the girl is claiming that she did not consent, that he got her drunk and forced himself on her. She is being backed up by an interfering neighbour friend of hers, who is threatening to go to the police. If they do, it will be his word against hers.

I am so worried. I have been waiting for something like this to happen for years, and I do not know what to do to help.

 

 

Hi

 

I don't know what to advise/suggest, but clearly this must be a very difficult situation for you all. I can only assume that the neighbour/friend is backing the woman up because she's her friend even though she wasn't there. Whilst it's positive that the woman hasn't reported anything to the Police, one hears of instances where people complain months or years later about having been assaulted, and so I can see that you must be in turmoil over this. I would be tempted to leave things along, but can see why neither you or your son want this hanging over your heads wondering if/when this will come back to bite. I wonder if there's a local organisation where you could ask advise anonymously? The other side of the coin is that is this woman is telling individuals of her version of events, then if it's untrue, it amounts to slander of a serious nature, which could seriously damage your son's reputation and have consequences. Again, it might be worth seeking legal advice on that from that angle.

 

Best wishes.

Edited November 8, 2011 by cmuir

[Special_talent123]

Hi Liz, sorry this has come to a real problem. I am okay to talk about this. I try my best.

 

I want to say that if that happened 1 month ago why didn't she go to police, maybe she scared to, maybe she knows she doing wrong.

 

Why didn't she get the morning after pill

 

And why didn't she get examined

 

Where did it happen and if it were in a pub or a club do they have the tapes

 

she left all too late and where is the proof for him to get away with it, there isn't any. Any way usually rape cases are hard to convict because there wouldn't usually be witnesse's and if there were wouldn't they of reported it straight away.

 

If she did report it to the police is she aware that false accusations made you can get into trouble with the law.

 

 

I can understand how distressing this is, I were a genuine rape case but its hard to prove how it happened. I had to be examined there were proof but when it gets complicated is when they know there no cameras around.

 

I also had a friend who I knew wouldn't do a thing like this and he got accused of it only to find out she were looking for attention to guilt trip him because he is a dad when it were a lie

Edited November 8, 2011 by Special_talent123

[Pancakemaker]

Special thank you for sharing that,your very brave.xxxxxx

[matzoball]

First off let me be absolutely clear here - I do not for one second think that Lizj's son has done anything. This girl and her neighbour sound absolutely vile. I agree to the extent that if this did happen with the neighbour present why did she allow an assault to happen right in front of her - it sounds like a case of sour grapes and vindictiveness. Girls like that make it harder for real rape victims to be taken seriously.

 

What I have a problem with is people saying if she was really raped why would she wait a month to report it. I am a rape survivor and didn't have the courage to deal with it until 8 years later. There are a lot of reasons why women don't report it straight away so for people to suggest that a time lapse before reporting indicates it didn't really happen is quite disturbing.

 

Baring this in mind I think it may be best to seek legal advice as suggested in another post. At least that way you are forearmed. You can apply for legal aid if needs be, and you can request that the reasons for needing advice be kept confidential which I think is standard anyway.

 

Hope this works out for you and your son, I am really sorry that this has happened.

[Special_talent123]

also speaking to others can cause problems for investigation

[matzoball]

also speaking to others can cause problems for investigation

 

can you clarify what you mean by that? i don't understand.

[Special_talent123]

I mean suddenly talk about every detail to the witness it could affect the investigation as police would see it as the victim talked about it to the witness and told them to say a lie that could affect the investigation

[Tally]

It's understandable that someone who has been raped may be too afraid to report it until some time afterwards. It would seem rather odd though, for someone who is frightened of your son, to approach him and discuss something that is likely to make him angry.

 

I think you probably do need to get some legal advice here to help you decide how to handle things.

 

If police become involved, make sure your son is aware of his rights to have someone present during interviews to make sure that he understands what is going on and doesn't make any false confession.

[Special_talent123]

usually a social worker and safe guard can sit in too but on the police side

[lizj]

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. It's quite frightening to discover how easily our vulnerable young people can get themselves into deep water.

At the moment it looks less likely that the police will be involved. The girl seems to be just using this threat as a weapon against him.

To answer some of your questions: no, the neighbour was not there, she is acting on what she has been told and believes she is "looking out for" the girl.

There is no question of the girl being frightened of my son - she has been out with him several times since the incident.

I don't think she has a strong case, and I don't think he would be found guilty. But we can all do without the stress of him being arrested and questioned etc.

I will certainly seek legal advice if this carries on much longer. Just now, I am hoping that it will die quietly away.

Thank you all once more, especially to the lady who was a victim herself. I do understand how traumatic these things can be - I was a victim of sexual assault myself in my teens - but I really don't believe my son is guilty in this case.

[matzoball]

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. It's quite frightening to discover how easily our vulnerable young people can get themselves into deep water.

At the moment it looks less likely that the police will be involved. The girl seems to be just using this threat as a weapon against him.

To answer some of your questions: no, the neighbour was not there, she is acting on what she has been told and believes she is "looking out for" the girl.

There is no question of the girl being frightened of my son - she has been out with him several times since the incident.

I don't think she has a strong case, and I don't think he would be found guilty. But we can all do without the stress of him being arrested and questioned etc.

I will certainly seek legal advice if this carries on much longer. Just now, I am hoping that it will die quietly away.

Thank you all once more, especially to the lady who was a victim herself. I do understand how traumatic these things can be - I was a victim of sexual assault myself in my teens - but I really don't believe my son is guilty in this case.

 

Sorry if I gave that impression - I really don't think your son is guilty of anything that girl is accusing him of. It must be horrible to have to deal with such a horrible false accusation. I think for your sons sake he should cut off all contact with her, and record everytime she tries to contact him so that he is protected to some degree. She sounds very unstable and he shouldn't be exposed to that.

 

Hope it works out for him xxx

[Special_talent123]

its okay. i dont think she win if she gone out with him after the incident cos that would be advised not to. I can completely understand she playing with him. hope it all goes right in the end

[Kathryn]

Horrible situation for any parent to be caught up in: I know how I'd feel if it were my son.

 

Thinking of you and I hope the truth prevails

 

<'> ><

 

K x

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Just picking up on your subsequent post – I think it's interesting that this woman has been out with your son since the 'incident'. I would encourage your son to detail in writing all contact that he's had with this woman e.g. where they went, what they did, if they were joined by friends/seen in a public place e.g. pub, etc. This could provide important evidence on the basis that it's unlikely that a rape victim would choose to continue seeing their attacker. I personally would worry a great deal about your son's reputation and potential consequences – if this woman's banding about serious allegations this could affect his social life, employment prospects, and a whole lot worse. In addition, as I said earlier, it's not unusual for rape victims to report incidents years later. On that basis, I would urge you to seek legal advice.