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Equi

Being in a relationship with aspergers

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Equi   

I wonder if anybody can help me. 

I'm in a relationship and my boyfriend has aspergers. He was diagnosed with it over 2 years ago. I've been with him now for 19 months. It's not been an easy or nice 19 months. Every day is a new challenge, not knowing what mood he is in and what's going to happen. It's taken me this long to come to tearms with how he is and reacts to things. I  myself are abit like him, but the only thing I do struggle with in are relationship is the physical and intermit side of it. 

I'm just wondering if anybody else is going threw what I am being the NT, and how you are dealing with it ? 

When my boyfriend and I got together things were great between us physically and intermacy .Now things have stoped. We don't have sex anymore and he says it's cause he doesnt have any sex drive. We don't have cuddles anymore, and even kissing is getting rare. It's just the physical things like that that I'm finding hard. We do talk about it but I still find it hard as I'm use to very physical and intermit relationships . 

Can anybody please advise me on what to do ? And how to cope ? 

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justine1   

I wonder if anybody can help me.

I'm in a relationship and my boyfriend has aspergers. He was diagnosed with it over 2 years ago. I've been with him now for 19 months. It's not been an easy or nice 19 months. Every day is a new challenge, not knowing what mood he is in and what's going to happen. It's taken me this long to come to tearms with how he is and reacts to things. I myself are abit like him, but the only thing I do struggle with in are relationship is the physical and intermit side of it.

I'm just wondering if anybody else is going threw what I am being the NT, and how you are dealing with it ?

When my boyfriend and I got together things were great between us physically and intermacy .Now things have stoped. We don't have sex anymore and he says it's cause he doesnt have any sex drive. We don't have cuddles anymore, and even kissing is getting rare. It's just the physical things like that that I'm finding hard. We do talk about it but I still find it hard as I'm use to very physical and intermit relationships .

Can anybody please advise me on what to do ? And how to cope ?

Hi

 

Sorry I don't have much first hand experience but I would say that you should not be in a relationship where you are unhappy. The fact you say the 19 months have not been easy or nice,makes me wonder why you are still with him.

 

Yes relationships are complicated,even if both people are NT,but the first year of any relationship is meant to be the best not the worst IMO.On that basis I would also say in most relationships the constant affection/intimacy does die down a little after the first year.However it does not mean it should stop and if you want something he can't or is not prepared to give you then is it really worth you being unhappy together?

Edited by justine1

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baddad   

Hi

 

Sory I don't have much first hand experience but I would say that you shuld not be in a relationship where you are unhappy. The fact you say the 19 months have not been easy or nice,makes me wonder why you ae still with him.

 

Yes relationships are complicated,even if both people are NT,but the first year of any relationship is meant to be the best not the worst IMO.On that basis I would also say in most relationships the constant affection/intimacy does die down a little after the first year.However it does not mean it should stop and if you want something he can't or is not prepared to give you then is it really worth you beig unhappy together?

 

Absolutely. If your partner used to be physical and intimate the problems you have now are nothing to do with autism - he's either not interested, or not trying. If the latter, and he was previously just going through the motions to please you, then that's a problem you need to address with him IF you want to find a happy compromise. If it's the former and he's just not interested, perhaps he's feeling as frustrated with how your relationship has panned out, but he's demonstrating that frustration/anxiety in a different way to you. Please Note That By 'Different Way' To You' I Do Not Mean 'An Autistic Way' - I suspect a big part of the problems you have may be down to you - or possibly both of you - blaming autism for negatives that have nothing to do with autism whatsoever. He could be using it as an excuse for the mood swings you seem to be reporting you've 'struggled to come to terms with', and the fact that you have 'struggled to come to terms with it' rather than just saying No Way, Jose suggests a rather patronising level of martyrdom in your responses to him. Equally, you could both be using autism as a means of 'control' - i.e. him to bully/guilt trip you into compliance with his behaviours or you to blame and undermine him ("he's autistic, so the problems must be his fault" seems to be the thrust of your post here) into compliance with yours.

 

As Justine has said, sex and intimacy does tail off after the first few months - that's perfectly natural. If it reaches the point where intimacy becomes uncomfortable or non-existent it suggests something else completely, and if you've spent 18 months in a relationship that's been difficult and not nice from the outset then you've probably both been barking up the wrong tree. Don't exclusively blame him, though, or his autism: If you're used to very physical and intimate relationships, this is obviously not first time round for you, so regardless of whether the problems are 'different' to ones you've previously experienced you do know that relationships with non-autistic partners have also broken down. I think you also need to look at yourself, and ask the question why you've invested 19 months in a difficult and unhappy situation, because if my suspicions about that patronising/martyrdom issue are correct it could haunt you in relationships for the rest of your life.

 

L&P

 

BD

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justine1   

Also to add that when you say you do talk to him about how you feel, does he take on board what you are saying? How does he respond to you? Does he have a reason as to why he has changed and what he is feeling?

Also has anything else changed in his behaviour or has something happened in his life around the time he became less intimate?

 

I think there could be possible ways around it,like reaching a happy medium but it would mean him explaining why his attitude has changed and ,as baddad says, looking at your own expectations when it comes to relationships in general and thinking of ways you could adapt to the change. However you need to think if it is worthwhile and whether it will feel more like you are pushing him to do something he just does not want to do (for whatever reason.)

 

My opinion is that relationships are about constant changes and both partners have to constantly grow,adapt and sometimes make small positive changes to their own behaviour, though not to the point that you lose who you are.

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Equi   

Thanks guys for your replys,

 

smiley 1590 you are right with what you have said. baddad i do find what you have said quite harsh. You are makeing it sound like it is all my fault and that im not good in any relationships. Have or are you in a relationship with somebody who has aspergers ? if you are then you should know what its like. If not then you dont know what your talking about.

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Tally   

Hi Equi,

 

Sensory issues can make physical contact difficult for autistic people, but sensory issues tend to remain constant. If your boyfriend previously enjoyed physical contact and has now changed, this cannot be due to sensory issues otherwise he never could have tolerated it. There must be some other cause.

 

Autism does not cause mood swings. They can be caused by mental health problems which obviously wouldn't be his fault. But it's not something he (or you) should have to put up with indefinitely since mental health problems are treatable.

 

Are you getting anything positive out of the relationship?

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bid   

Thanks guys for your replys,

 

smiley 1590 you are right with what you have said. baddad i do find what you have said quite harsh. You are makeing it sound like it is all my fault and that im not good in any relationships. Have or are you in a relationship with somebody who has aspergers ? if you are then you should know what its like. If not then you dont know what your talking about.

 

Hi Equi...I know you are new to the forum, but there are many adults here with AS, including myself!

 

I have been with my DH for nearly 20 years, and I do find it concerning that you talk about people with AS in this way :unsure:

 

Bid :)

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Equi   

I'm not putting down people with aspergers. I am new to this forum and I'm also new to being in a relationship with somebody with aspergers.

I do find it hard to say things . And how to write it down.

I'm learning about aspergers everyday . I didn't know it existed till I met my boyfriend let alone anything about it.

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baddad   

Thanks guys for your replys,

 

baddad i do find what you have said quite harsh. You are makeing it sound like it is all my fault and that im not good in any relationships.

 

No I'm not. Read it again. I have said I think you are (possibly both) too keen to blame autism for things that have nothing to do with autism, and highlighted that you have, from the information given in your post been in relationships - including very physical and intimate ones - with non-autistic people that have also gone t!ts up, which shows pretty much conclusively that relationships, whether with autistic people or otherwise, are more often difficult than not.

Have or are you in a relationship with somebody who has aspergers ? if you are then you should know what its like. If not then you dont know what your talking about.

 

The fact that other posters have all made pretty much the same observations regarding the mood swings, the inconsistency regarding intimacy and contact, have been equally baffled at why you are staying in an unfulfilling relationship that has been 'not nice' pretty much since day one and have been concerned at the very negative view you seem to take of autism/autistic people very much makes it sound as though I do know what I'm talking about, regardless of my relationship status in the here and now or at any time in the past.

 

The only response which you seem to have accepted as useful is one that 'fits' your existing preconceptions - regardless of the inherent flaw (inconsistency) that I and others have pointed out. You will be able to find many people who will reinforce your existing preconceptions and prejudices for you if you look around, even on some websites 'about' autism that seek to make martyrs or victims of carers and families rather than looking realistically at relationships in the wider context. Though these days it seems sometimes to be hanging on by the skin of its teeth, this forum isn't yet one of them - Sorry you didn't get the feedback/confirmation you were hoping for.

 

L&P

 

BD

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Sensory issues can make physical contact difficult for autistic people, but sensory issues tend to remain constant.

 

 

'Tend' is the operative word here. I have sensory issues which make physical contact difficult, but the extent of those issues (or my ability to cope with them) varies with the amount of stress I have in my life.

 

 

If your boyfriend previously enjoyed physical contact and has now changed, this cannot be due to sensory issues otherwise he never could have tolerated it. There must be some other cause.

 

 

Simply not true, I'm afraid.

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I run a mile when a girl/ woman starts wanting to get to know me or asks if i would like to go out. I hide away, and i dont get involved anymore, as I think I would end up ultimately self-sabotaging a relationship to avoid all the problems like the lady that posted could arise. On top of that, I am chronically shy, so the chances that do come across are very few and far between, which makes me think that it is a good thing.

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