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jlogan1

leave me alone!!

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hi just wanted to find out if anyone else has been here?my dd 15 was diagnosed last year,she hasnt been to school for 3 1/2 years ,isnt really provided with any education,so generally does her own thing.BUT the social worker is getting funny with me ,my dd doesnt like her and they just didnt click,but she is saying dd has to see someone,she is quite happy by herself she has one friend whom she she perhaps 1-2 a month but is happy in her bubble,i have tried to explain that as she gets older she will need to see people but shes just not interested at the moment,social work are saying she has to!please can someone agree that i shouldnt make her if she cant deal with it,and hope that all will come good in the end!i can try and try but am not prepared to force her especially as she is happy,the last thing i need is an unhappy child( she has self harmed in the past)and i have 2 others being assessed for AS.any one else been her ?julia

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Hi

 

Very difficult situation. When my son was much younger (he's 10 now), taking him to a soft play area or playpark used to fill me with dread. He'd circle other kids, then lash out. I think the easy option would have been to just not go back, but I felt that I had to teach R how to behave appropriately. I used to have to force myself to take him back, and every time he lashed out I'd bundle him in the car and we'd go home (with one heck of a performance in the process!). It took 8 months before he finally got it. I guess what I'm trying to illustrate is that that was a situation that I really didn't want to expose myself or my son to and one I wasn't sure he could cope with. Over the years, he's surprised me in that sometimes I have underestimated him i.e. I've assumed he wouldn't be able to cope with something, when in fact he has coped very well (strangely, it's been the situations that I thought he would cope with, that generally he hasn't!). In our situation, I've felt it's been best to tackle situations head-on in order to teach R how to cope with them. Obviously every situation is different and needs careful consideration. Likewise, if something doesn't work out, then it's worth putting on the back burner for another day. I'm in no way suggesting that your daughter can/should be forced/encouraged with certain issues, but I've personally found that by avoiding (as opposed to delaying) some situations, it means they kiddo can't learn to manage or cope.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

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I do understand what you are saying and sometimes our children are just not well enough to see anyone.

 

But if that is just what she 'wants', then that is something different.

 

IF the right kind of person was coming, it would be something she might enjoy and look forward to, and they might be able to teach her things [educational, social, emotional, sensory etc] that will be useful for her.

 

But I know that anyone like that is golddust.

 

Are you home educating at the moment?

 

Does she have any hobbies?

 

I've just had the first meeting with the dyslexia teacher my son will be seeing in his new school placement. I can't believe how good she was with him inside of an hour. Getting him playing card games. I felt the need to "explain" and "point out" things. And she told me "it is very clear from the reports you have sent me, that you have been hitting your head against a brick wall for years. Don't worry. I understand and recognise everything you have told me." So basically, she does know! And I am slowly having to get used to leaving people to get on with it!!

 

I don't know what support or assistance your daughter could access. What is Social Services suggesting. I think if they could give a better picture of what they are offering [if it is SS that are offering something], then you can consider it.

 

If you don't think they have anything appropriate, you can ask SS if they would support you in trying to get help/support/therapy/input from whomever you feel is her greatest need at this time.

 

My son also has a support worker from Aiming High. And he does whatever my son wants to do. So whatever your daughter wanted [staying in the house maybe baking, or shopping for clothes or music, or going to the cinema, or just going for a walk].

 

I think she needs to be on SS radar, because she is a vulnerable child/adult. And once you are no longer around you would want services to know she existed, otherwise they would only 'discover' her once a crisis or emergency had happened.

 

When my son was off school I did tell him that "now you are too worried to go to school, but in the future you will feel better and you will then be going back to school".

 

Try to draw up a plan with your daughter of something she would like to achieve within the next 6 months/year [if she can do this], and then work with SS to see if they can help.

 

What you need to make absolutely clear to SS is that any support or input she receives MUST be from suitably qualified and experienced people regarding ASD. You definately do not want to set her up to fail. Whatever she decides to do she has to be successful otherwise she will simply retreat more.

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Surely she has to be getting some form of education legally? Are you not getting any help in trying to get her back into school?

 

Whilst I completely understand that you don't want to upset your daughter, (my son is much happier at home on his iPad) I agree with Caroline in that you have to push them sometimes. Expectations for our asd kids will be different but they shouldn't be less. It's very easy to let them sit at home and do what they want, but that won't always be possible. When they grow into adults and eventually leave home (even if it's into a care home or supported living) they will have to interact with other people and with society.

 

Do you have an autism support group locally that can help and support you?

 

Lynne

Edited by Lynden

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Hi

 

I agree with the comments above. At 15 I think if she does not start getting help now when will it start? It could take time for her to socialise or become comfortable with going out and about, if it took a year she would then by 16. So just think everytime its put off its going to take that much longer and she is going to keep getting older.

 

 

What are her plans for the future? Surely she should be getting some type of education :unsure:

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hi just wanted to find out if anyone else has been here?my dd 15 was diagnosed last year,she hasnt been to school for 3 1/2 years ,isnt really provided with any education,so generally does her own thing.BUT the social worker is getting funny with me ,my dd doesnt like her and they just didnt click,but she is saying dd has to see someone,she is quite happy by herself she has one friend whom she she perhaps 1-2 a month but is happy in her bubble,i have tried to explain that as she gets older she will need to see people but shes just not interested at the moment,social work are saying she has to!please can someone agree that i shouldnt make her if she cant deal with it,and hope that all will come good in the end!i can try and try but am not prepared to force her especially as she is happy,the last thing i need is an unhappy child( she has self harmed in the past)and i have 2 others being assessed for AS.any one else been her ?julia

 

Hi Julia -

got to say I agree with the two posts immediately above. Would also add that I find this part of your post slightly disconcerting:

 

please can someone agree that i shouldnt make her if she cant deal with it,and hope that all will come good in the end!
Because you seem to be looking just for reinforcement of your own feelings rather than advice, which can be very dangerous. Much better to listen to all opinions and make as informed and objective choice as you can. I know that can be really difficult sometimes as a parent, but giving our kids what they think they need or even what we think they need might be a million miles away from what they actually need. Allowing and enabling your daughter to disable herself now doesn't bode well for her in her future, and she's nowhere near mature enough to make long term predictions about that kind of thing. If you help her to socialise and she makes up her mind as an adult to say 'thanks but no thanks' that's her informed choice, but she's not old enough to make that decision yet, and hasn't the practical skills that would make it an informed choice...

 

HTH, even if it's not the agreement you were looking for.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited by baddad

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hi thanks for all replies,education wise we have been told we have been let down as no she has just had very patchy education for the last 3 1/2 years ,unfortunatly she feels very aggrieved by this and her thinking is very rigid on 'if they cant be bothered why should i when they do do anything'she has just been given an hour a week ,but the teacher ,although dd has got to know her,keeps going on about painting but dd is just not interested she is very much into photography but cant seem to get this over to teacher,so it doesnt inspire dd to see her.she will be 16 in march,the careers advisor came to see her the other week but she ended up in tears and couldnt see him,the last time she saw a male was 3 years ago long before we knew of her diagnosis and he was from SS he took her aside( she had been through a bad spell and had turned on me,only scratches nothing serious)but he was a very large man she was 12 and he told her of she was to ever do that again she would be reported to the police!!!this has terrified her so much that she couldnt deal with the situation.

yes i am very concerned for her future,but the biggest problem we have is her rigid thinking,the Social worker said something that upset her so thats it people only get once chance and then thats it she wont see them,not that we have anyone else,social work promised us a support worker 3 1/2 years ago ,they have just sorted it out but have told us this will only be til she is 16 in march,so of course she looks upon it as its taken them this long to sort it what is the point in getting to know someone for such a short time and then ss taking it away again,she has enough problems seeing and getting to know people as it is.to be fair to her she does go out a lot more than she used to but will only now go with me or her dad,she did go a few times with social worker but as said she said the wrong thing so now daughter wont see her.i just feel that social work arent getting it,no one is helping us to help her get over her fears and worries they just expect her to do as told,without giving her any support,but where do we get that support from?

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please can someone agree that i shouldnt make her if she cant deal with it,and hope that all will come good in the end!

Hi Julia,

 

I can empathise with your situation, as my son was out of school for 6 months with a breakdown when he was 14/15.

 

However, I don't think you can just 'hope that all will come good in the end'.

 

It may be that you have to think creatively to get your DD back to engaging with other people and the world. You say she is very interested in photography. I would start there, by setting her a project to research good cameras online, but then she has to come with you to a specialist camera shop in order to buy it. The reason I would go to a specialist shop is that the staff there will be very enthusiatic and knowledgable about photography, which might draw her out and they are usually small shops with few people, unlike one of the big chains. Then I would sign the two of you up for a part-time adult photography course at your local FE college...personally I wouldn't ask her, I would tell her this is what we are going to do. I know it's very, very hard but she must be gently pushed to re-engage with the world, and using a specialist interest is the most likely way of encouraging this.

 

Good luck,

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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Hi Julia,

 

I can empathise with your situation, as my son was out of school for 6 months with a breakdown when he was 14/15.

 

However, I don't think you can just 'hope that all will come good in the end'.

 

It may be that you have to think creatively to get your DD back to engaging with other people and the world. You say she is very interested in photography. I would start there, by setting her a project to research good cameras online, but then she has to come with you to a specialist camera shop in order to buy it. The reason I would go to a specialist shop is that the staff there will be very enthusiatic and knowledgable about photography, which might draw her out and they are usually small shops with few people, unlike one of the big places. Then I would sign the two of you up for a part-time adult photography course at your local FE college...personally I wouldn't ask her, I would tell her this is what we are going to do. I know it's very, very hard but she must be gently pushed to re-engage with the world, and the using a specialist interest is the most likely way of encouraging this.

 

Good luck,

 

Bid :)

I agree :notworthy::thumbs: Was going to suggest the same really. You have something to work with which is a starting point and definatley think she needs a nudge in the right direction.

 

Also it does seem like SS are trying to help you, social workers are becoming scarce so "beggars can't be choses" IMO. My son has alot of personality clashes with some adults who help him but at the end of the day thats life, we cannot get along with everyone we meet.In order for him to get the help he has to just accept it.

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If motivating her is a big issue, why don't you point out to the teacher that she is wasting her time talking about painting when photography is what would hook her in. Maybe she is just not the right kind of teacher?

 

My worry would be that when she becomes an 'adult' you can't find services or support.

 

What about her doing a photography course? Is there any chance of that? Any college suitable in your area? Would they support her to do this?

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