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janiceb

New member, i want to understand my son

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Hi all..

 

Well we have 3 children, our son age 4 has always been a difficult one with the tantrums, outbursts, the constant frustration of not knowing why he doesn't seem to understand much of what we say to him etc the feeling i have failed as a parent, We stopped going to family functions and we dreaded days out as (and i now feel ashamed to admit) we were embarrased of his behaviour and knew he would scream shout and lash out at someone at some point as this became normal especially when we were in a busy place. We didn't send him to nursery as we felt he wouldn't cope with it and the school would look at him as a naughty child, he has now started in reception and the problems have totaly become out of control, after being called into school numerous times i felt that maybe something was wrong (although i spent years refusing to believe it) so i spoke to his doctor who is pretty sure he has Aspergers, i called a meeting with his teacher who admited she thought he had it from his first week in school! (i wish she had told me sooner) I had never heard of Aspergers before so spent hours upon hours researching it and can not believe how it describes my son, there is no denying the fact he has it and i now feel so guilty for all the times i have told him off or sent him to his room, i look back and i totally understand why he has a little panic attack and screams etc when our baby is crawling at full speed towards him, or why he can't handle waiting in a queue in a shop etc.

 

I now realise it is not my son with the problem, the only problem lies with the people who automatically look down on my son and assume he is just being a naughty child.

 

I have now changed the way i see my son, i have more understanding about the reasons behind his behaviour and try to avoid the situations i know he will find difficult, i now know that he doesn't behave the way he does because he hates me and i think the past few weeks we have had the easiest, happiest and stress free time ever now that we understand him and can now help him, the whole atmosphere at home is different, it seems calmer and our son has responded very well, there is still alot more i want to know though so i can help him and be there for him the best i can which is why i wanted to join this site.

 

I think my son is an amazing little boy with great potential he is so clever! i just want to help him cope with aspergers, i don't want him to think he is 'different' as i believe that would iscolate him even more and i feel so guilty for not understanding and helping him sooner xx

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Hi

 

Welcome to the group :thumbs: There is alot of great advice here and hope you will find it useful. I have four boys,my 8 year old Sam has aspergers and Dan 5 years old has HFA and hypermobility.

 

Has your doctor referred you on to someone who can give a diagnosis? Is your son getting help/support in school,like school action or school action plus? Does he have IEP's?

 

There is alot youu can do to help with the behaviours and it seems (from your post) you may already be putting these in place. Things like reward charts, visual timetables, consequences for negative behaviour etc, these will help whether he has Aspergers or not. Remember that Aspergers is not an excuse for negative behaviour,that is one of the most important things I have learnt over the 2 and a half years.

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Hi, yes the doctor has refered him to hospital, his teacher has also spent over 20 years working with children who have aspergers etc before she became a teacher in his school and has already done visual timetables which are working very well so far, she already recognised he has aspergers but didn't tell me, i assume they can't tell me incase they're wrong but with her having so much experience already i trust she is right.

We did have a long talk with his teacher and she told us about one to one teaching but i assume he needs the aspergers totaly confirmed first, the school is allowing him to miss assembly untill he's ready as he can't cope with sitting in a room with over 100 other children, they're giving him the option of joining in with P.E but they're not forcing him as he doesn't like the contact, they are also allowing him to stay in the little nursey playground rather than the big main playground as he is very reluctant to go out with the other children etc so they are already putting things in place to help him too, i think the school has been great.

 

We are putting things in place at home which are working well so far, we're not sure on the discipline though, we know he has to have some form of discipline but are trying different ways so we're not telling him off every five mins (which is what it felt like and i don't think it works) so any suggestions from anybody regarding how to make him aware he was wrong/naughty would be very welcome, it's still a working progress but he is doing very well, i've had so many cuddles off him this week when normaly he is very reluctant to have any type of contact so we must be doing something right :D

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Hi

Sounds like your doing really well with your son.

When my daughter was younger (she's now almost 16) If she was doing something wrong but not too bad we used to say "ooh not good Zo" and try to steer her into something else. When she was doing something really bad or dangerous it was a case of "FREEZE-some-one is going to get hurt" and things along those kind of lines. Be sure to remember boundries, if it's not allowed today then it must never be allowed and if you let him do something today then he will assume he will be allowed all the time

 

GOOD LUCK

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Thats really great >:D<<'> Sam gets more affectionate when he knows what is expected of him as it makes him more secure,so that is pobably why your son is giving you more cuddles so you definatley doing something right :thumbs:

 

Having clear boundaries is a start, he needs to know what behaviour is not exceptable first before he can actually be reprimanded. We now use "good strips",given to me by Sam's TA at his ASD unit, basically its two strips one with "good" one with "bad" then its divided into five sections and five detatchable thumbss up signs. When he dos somthing good,anything whereby he is helpful,kind or respectful he gets a thumbs up sign in the good strip meaning he gets a certain amount of time i.e 30min doing something he likes for example watching a fav telly programme or playing a game he likes. Then when he has broken a rule,shouting or hitting etc,he loses time like 10min of his fav programme. You don't have to use the strips but anything visual (supernanny has some good examples) you can also use timers so he knows what to expect. So its basically rewards and sanctions according to behaviour.

 

 

There are some things where I don't tell Sam and Dan off for example they stim alot, Sam's can be loud as he jumps alot so I do get him to do it quietly and he does not do it when we are out. I think its a stress reliever and I don't want to stop them completely. I give them warnings when they are doing something wrong before taking imposing any sanctions. The also have "chill out" or "time out" time when they are crying and there is no calming them down, I leave them in their room remove toys and any other distraction, it works and when they "emerge" they are happy and act as if nothing happened.

 

Its great that the school are so supportive and hope that will continue :thumbs:

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