Eye contact

[gerland]

Hello,

 

First post here, although I have lots of questions

 

I was wondering how eye contact makes you feel inside. I was taught from a very young age to look at people when they spoke to me, and this has definitely become engrained to the extent that (I think I do it more or less automatically these days), but I'm not at all sure what other people think. So, I can make eye contact, but it is often uncomfortable, particularly with people I don't know or like. If it's people I know well or like, it's not too bad, but I can end up staring instead. For me it is a little like trying to eat something that doesn't taste good ... I can do it, but it's not nice and I will stop it as soon as I can.

 

Any thoughts?

[littleplum]

Yes, I find it uncomfortable being stared at. This sometimes happens in social situations where there are lots of people. Quite often I have caught someone's eye to find they are staring intently at me. My immediate reaction is to imagine I have said something outrageous, or there is something unspeakable stuck to my face.

 

When I am in a one-to-one conversation I tend to stare into the other person's eyes as I listen to them. Like you, I was taught to make eye contact but I sometimes think I overdo it.

 

It's a tricky one. Avert your eyes and you look shifty. Stare at someone and they may think you're a bit mad. Maybe wearing sunglasses is the answer!

[gerland]

Yes, I find it uncomfortable being stared at. This sometimes happens in social situations where there are lots of people. Quite often I have caught someone's eye to find they are staring intently at me. My immediate reaction is to imagine I have said something outrageous, or there is something unspeakable stuck to my face.

 

When I am in a one-to-one conversation I tend to stare into the other person's eyes as I listen to them. Like you, I was taught to make eye contact but I sometimes think I overdo it.

 

It's a tricky one. Avert your eyes and you look shifty. Stare at someone and they may think you're a bit mad. Maybe wearing sunglasses is the answer!

 

Totally agree with you there. I never knew I had an issue with it until I thought about it (I had never actually thought about it until relatively recently, other than as a gut-reaction uncomfortable feeling), and then realised that I really do struggle, especially when I'm tired, stressed, upset. This has been quite a revelation to me! I find quite often that people seem to stare at me too, but am never sure why, or whether am I misinterpreting the situation, did I stare first???

 

And yes, I prefer to avert my eyes pretty quickly once I've made that "necessary" social contact. I also agree that finding a compromise between staring and coming across a bit shifty is easier said than done

Edited November 27, 2011 by Fledermaus

[bid]

As though my nerve endings are being sand-papered!

 

bid

[bobbybaggio]

I find it very uncomfortable with people I don't know really well. At work I often stare at the ground to focus on what they're saying to me so I can give the correct advice. I don't get any complaints about it as they know I am listening and I assume I give good advice!

 

People you know will be more aware of your odd eye contact than you think. They don't mind are completely comfortable with it. I find this comforting when I'm around work colleagues and friends.

 

[gerland]

I find it very uncomfortable with people I don't know really well. At work I often stare at the ground to focus on what they're saying to me so I can give the correct advice. I don't get any complaints about it as they know I am listening and I assume I give good advice!

 

People you know will be more aware of your odd eye contact than you think. They don't mind are completely comfortable with it. I find this comforting when I'm around work colleagues and friends.

 

 

Yes, it is good when you realise that people can accept you with any "differences" you may have - the majority of places I have worked in have not been like this, BUT my current workplace is, and I have to say that (apart from catching a few quizzical looks from time to time - I tend to stare out of the window in order to concentrate), they are remarkably accepting and seem to like my work, which I guess is the clincher, although sadly not everyone seems to be this inclusive.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Fledermaus

[darkshine]

Eye contact feels like having a massive bright light shining in my face, I know its there and sometimes can't help looking at it, but it is very uncomfortable, its ultra awkward and unpleasant and I am very aware that it is there.

 

It feels like people's eyes are boring into my skin. Like lasers. It feels like they can see inside me. I cannot steadily hold someone's gaze. I can look at my parents faces for about 5 seconds. And a couple of long-term friends for a couple of seconds. I'm worse with stranger and acquaintances - the only time I really see their eyes is when they are staring into space and I can look at them freely - the rest of the time I slide my gaze across their face before looking at something way off to the side - its very annoying cuz some people think I'm lying or dishonest or guilty - when I'm not... It also makes it harder to connect with people I think cuz they think I'm not interested...

[Special_talent123]

Eye contact i find really uncomfortable and still don't understand why I have to make eye contact. I do however try but It is only for alittle bit then I flutter away. I got forced to make eye contact during school when i were 14 and I hated it and it made me anxious

Edited November 28, 2011 by Special_talent123

[AdamJ]

I have learned over the years to do it and my fear is much less now than in my adolescence when it felt like someone drilling into my eyes and pulling out my brain. The shock of seeing someone unexpectedly looking at you was the equivalent for me of suddenly seeing without warning a big hairy spider on TV.

[darkshine]

Love the spider analogy Adam

[indiscreet]

When I was quite young I thought that if people looked into my eyes they could read my thoughts, so I avoided eye contact.

[darkshine]

When I was quite young I thought that if people looked into my eyes they could read my thoughts, so I avoided eye contact.

I still sometimes feel like that now

[indiscreet]

I still sometimes feel like that now

So do I.

[Special_talent123]

I also don't like being looked at , I end up shying away from people and don't talk

[darkshine]

Its amazing that something so simple can have so many feelings and difficulties - it really does effect communication so much. I have found a mild reduction as I get older though, so maybe when I'm 50 I'll feel sorta ok about it its sometimes nice knowing I'm not alone here's to improvement

[greasemonkey]

When I was in primary school I was put into a social skills class (I believe I'm not officially diognosed but this always makes me think maybe I am just not been told and/ or don't remember. I don't want to ask). In this class I was told to look at people's faces when talking to them, I always avoided eye contact though, looking at people's mouths instead of eyes. Now, I do make some eye contact for a while until I can't bear any more and look away to their mouth or, if it's been a while, the floor (which is much more interesting). I'm fine looking at their eyes as long as they're not looking back usually. What's odd is that sometimes in some situations if I make eye contact for too long my eyes start watering but not in the normal sense, it's annoying unexplainable. It's like this time where I was in some shop and was intrigued by some (probably "child proof") design of the can. Basicly, I was looking at the other end seeing if anything would happen and then managed to get it working, spraying it in my eyes (then I had to get it washed out but I HATE getting water near my eyes, won't go into that). My eyes watered but differenty to how they would usually it makes this sound which you can get close mimicing with your eyelids by tensening some muscles around the eye. I'm not sure if they sometimes water that way because of that somehow or they did before, it's quite annoying though because it happens at times when you wouldn't expect someone to start crying but it looks like I am. Happens at parents' evening a lot with parents talking to teachers and teachers talking to me and me looking at the teachers.

[darkshine]

Mine do it when I forget to blink or if I'm angry/stressed, and sometimes in conversation with eye-contact difficulties - and outside a lot for some unknown reason - despite not having any allergies like hayfever not sure why it happens though...

 

What's funny is that I fairly often get asked if I'm crying when I'm not - but on the very rare moments I actually do cry nobody can tell - go figure

Edited December 1, 2011 by darkshine

[gerland]

When I was quite young I thought that if people looked into my eyes they could read my thoughts, so I avoided eye contact.

 

Me too, and I still wonder now if they can, especially if I'm being a bit economical with my version of events (I find telling a lie massively stressful, so tend to be very truthful). My adult head tells me they probably can't read my thoughts, but I do ask myself the question now and again.

 

Thanks for all the replies. They have been very interesting. TBH, I never realised I didn't look at people much until relatively recently. I can look at people in my immediate family easily enough though.

[butterfly73]

Hello,

First post here, although I have lots of questions

I was wondering how eye contact makes you feel inside. I was taught from a very young age to look at people when they spoke to me, and this has definitely become engrained to the extent that (I think I do it more or less automatically these days), but I'm not at all sure what other people think. So, I can make eye contact, but it is often uncomfortable, particularly with people I don't know or like. If it's people I know well or like, it's not too bad, but I can end up staring instead. For me it is a little like trying to eat something that doesn't taste good ... I can do it, but it's not nice and I will stop it as soon as I can. Any thoughts?

Good question!!

To be honest.. in my profession, we still get drilled to teach any kid to make eye contact and explain why..

I used to do that.. yes, USED to..

I've read Olga Bogdashina's book on sensory perception and I totally get these kids!

 

* Some can not make eye contact for than they will have to use two sets of input: auditory and visual: which malfunctions.. thus not looking at you means 100% attention!

(that is what we want in contact right?!)

* Some might really feel pierced thru eye contact, like somebody is staring right into your soul.. highly uncomfertable..

* For some the former, piercing can even be felt quite literally..

* The feeling of other might read your mind is also mentioned a lot..

* ...

 

I had a nine year old girl once.. I explained why most people do like you to look into their eyes..

I told her she could use a trick to fool them.. just look at their eyebrows ;-) they won't even notice it, and you'll feel more comfertable!

The next week she came in an told me enthousiatically, that she was actually looking in my eyes!

Kids.... ;D

 

As for lying, that is a trait that all AS have difficulty with! also in white lies from NT; or sb saying they are ok, while we perceive that there is sth amiss!

Edited December 14, 2011 by butterfly73

[rannoch]

 

* Some can not make eye contact for than they will have to use two sets of input: auditory and visual: which malfunctions.. thus not looking at you means 100% attention!

(that is what we want in contact right?!)

* Some might really feel pierced thru eye contact, like somebody is staring right into your soul.. highly uncomfertable..

* For some the former, piercing can even be felt quite literally..

* The feeling of other might read your mind is also mentioned a lot..

There's one big reason you've missed out: cultural expectations. In some cultures (e.g.some Asian countries), kids are brought up to not make eye contact when spoken to by elders or people in authority; it's seen to be disrespectful, so they may look down instead.