Need some advice

[smile]

Hi there,

 

I am really sorry to be a pain and ask for some advice. I know nobody can diagnose or say what the problem is. In the past someone commented on my behaviour and mentioned apergers. I didn't take it on board and just carried on as I am doing.

 

Well now things have got to a point where I am really struggling. I dont know what to do anymore.

 

A little background information. Years ago after leaving college I went downhill quite quickly. At college there was a lot of structure (it was away from home), breakfast, lunch and dinner were at the same time as was lessons etc. I came home and fell apart. A year later I was diagnosed with OCD, maybe a year later I was diagnosed with social anxiety, then lastly Borderline personality disorder. During those years I have had lots of problems. But one that has been maintained in all that time is structure and routine. I have to eat at the same times each day, most of the time its the same foods on the same days (eg tuna and pasta on a thursay, spaghetti bolegnese on a sunday). I also only got one day a week where I eat my dinner after 4:30-5pm. I dont know what controls that but there is anxiety. I am the same going to bed, there was a time a few years back where I had to be in bed before 9pm and for about an hour before I would swinging my leg with anxiety. This problem is so bad now that if someone asks to meet up I have to try and fit it around my times of eating, if it doesnt fit in I wont meet.

 

I also cant go anywhere Ive not been before, if I do have to travel by bus, train I will have to check the times they are running etc and write them times down.

 

I literally where the same trousers all week apart from my work uniform. I just cant change what I wear, I have made changes, a few years back I wore the same jumper and tracksuit bottoms, but then got into jeans with the help of an OT.

 

I literally have one friend, because I have cut contact with all the others. I dont talk over the phone (have never done it with any friends) I text or email. I get annoyed very easily and think that they are not bothering or they are being rude or ignoring me. I must have cut of so many people. I get annoyed when people turn up late, I get annoyed if they arent there in 5 mins. When I met someone last year, I was fine where we were, then they said "lets go for a walk" the panic inside me, that wasnt planned. I would be happy knowing where we were going and how long we would be there for. My mum says she can tell how my behaviour changes and when I want to go home. That is becomes very obvious.

 

I started a course recently and Im having trouble in the social spaces. Im not interested in any of the others, the conversations are not interesting to me at all. I find I can talk about anything I just go on and on, sometimes I dont know if people are listening or even interested. Sometimes I find myself cutting across someone, this also happens on the phone. At the course Im also struggling if we asked to do some work in lesson, I just cant do it, my head gets all confused and I would rather do it in my own time at home. The course Im doing requires thought into planning sessions for clients and I can work it out. For example I have all the information on how to plan sessions, but I cant work it out in my head, I cant even work out a session for myself.

 

I have also found myself getting really frustrated with noise. Ive been in the same room with my mum, she is on the phone and Ive had to literally put my head on the table and cover my ears because it sounds like she is shouting, same goes I would really get annoyed with people banging things or dropping things.

 

I just cannot cope anymore. Ive worked so hard on my other problems and Ive got so far, eg finding work after over 7 years of

nothing, now living on my own. But now I hardly see anymore and if I do I cant cope with it, because the control is taken away. The course I am doing is great and I enjoy it, but now I dont know if it is worth it, because I cant get out of my routines and structure. This course was for me to change careers. But I cannot create sessions for clients etc. I cope ok with my current job, because it is so routine, I work in a shop and I have to say certain things to the customers, so I know if I follow that structure Im fine. As soon as they put me on different departments eg lottery, kiosk my head couldnt cope and I became so stressed. In the end I had to speak to the manager and ask I just stay on my usual department.

 

I struggle with socialising, just the thought of having to have conversations feels like hard work, I cant imagine have anything to say. I took part in a charity event early this year and a group of us went to the pub after for a drink. I didnt have any conversation, I just tried to smile and laugh at the points everyone else was. I dont feel I can relate or have anything in common with anyone. Im not interested in what others say. Another thing which I am quite embarrassed about is, you know when you walk past a homeless person begging for money, I dont feel anything, even when I was in therapy and people said they didnt want to be alive, it did nothing to me, I see a lot of things and it does nothing. Its only my mum that gets me feeling anything. I have a counsellor and I often laugh at things that are not funny, that are probably quite sad, when my nieces were growing up I remember one of them crying at something on tv, she put her arms round me and I was laughing. I got a right ticking off from my mum.

 

Sorry this was really long, but I am feeling so low, my psychiatrist only works on the Borderline personality disorder and when i was in therapy, that was the focus, nothing else was wrong. I just feel so stressed all the time and it feels never ending. Ive never had a relationship with the other sex and doubt I ever will, because I just cant change anything. No one would take me for who I am. The only people I can connect to emotionally are my nieces.

 

I guess I just want some help and dont know where to get it from, my psychiatrist is a no go with this one. I see my counsellor, but dont think that would work.

[lilnicki]

For what it's worth you are displaying some of the signs of Aspergers, but only a professional can tell you for sure. You can do some of the online quizes "AS quotient" which will give you an idea, as will reading the DSM guidelines. I was diagnosed fairly recently aged 38, and for i time i was excited to be thinking that something could be done, but actually there's no "cure"......although you may be able to get some CBT to do with your behaviours. Talk to the person who you feel would be most helpful, and if you get stuck then contact the NAS who can point you in the right direction. You can email them if you don't want to telephone.

 

Good luck

 

Nicki

[smile]

Thanks for the response, would it be ok to phone the helpline or email them even if I dont have a diagnosis? Also another question who makes the diagnosis? (eg would professional?)

 

Thanks

[lilnicki]

Yes i'm sure they won't mind you ringing or emailing...... they must get questions from people who suspect they have it. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist, i was referred by my GP....but i'm sure there are other ways to be diagnosed....hopefully some other members on here can give their experiences.

 

Nicki

[darkshine]

Hello, not sure how to seek diagnosis to see if you have AS or not - but I'd assume GP is the first step

[smile]

Thanks for the replies, ive not taken any steps further in trying to work out what is actually going on. Really dont have it in me to discuss this with my gp or psychiatrist, so other option is to see someone privately where I can refer myself.

 

Things are just awful at the moment, Ive left my course with on a few more weekends left. I spent the whole two days zoned out in the lessons, not being able to understand anything and not taking part. I just cannot stick with anything long enough and I know others will be let down by my decision. I just cannot cope,

 

I will try and work something out I guess or just carry on with life as it is.

Edited December 12, 2011 by smile

[butterfly73]

hi and also welcome!

 

Presently your stress level is way up high..

Best advise I got in that situation is, get some excercise. Daily walks or bicycle rounds, preferably 30 min+

Choose diff routes each time, to learn to be flexible..

besides that.. writing stuff down, instead of letting it ruminate in your head, stuck in a groove

bit more difficult.. Try out meditation, youtube can help in that ;-

 

Yes..you need to follow your heart, for you have no support from your shrink..

Time to take action..

Also I'd recommend: find another psych!

 

Good lucky, bfly

[smile]

Thanks for the replies, I have booked in to have an assessment over three sessions, Im not sure what to expect. I have also not been able to talk to anyone about this, one because I think no one will actually believe that I have these problems. I was on the phone to mum yesterday, I hadnt been to see my nieces as usual. I explained that I didnt want to be in a mood around them (Im really down at the moment), to which she said "you are doing all this yourself", which just really upsets me, because I do not choose to feel this low.

 

I read a book yesterday for girls with aspergers, oh my it felt like reading all about me. For years now my mum has been embarrassed by how I dress, I do not dress feminine, I wear jeans, trainers and hooded jumpers. As soon as I put something like shoes or skirt on I want to get it off, it annoys me and if I were to go out dressed in skirt, shoes etc I would be preoccupied with wanting to get home and get it off. I love being able to be at home and wearing as little as possible eg shorts/vest. My mum still says to me "Im not going out with you dressed like that". Nobody understands it, my mum wants me to wear make up too, I have no desire to do so. Ive also been told by my mum "no one will want you looking like that". I cannot change the way I like to dress, I wear what I do for comfort, I have a thing for hooded jumpers, because I like wearing the hood up, even when Im in my flat. It just comforts me and makes me feel at ease.

 

There were so many things that I could relate to.

 

Just a quick question has anyone found that they get obsessed (its not really obsessed to a degree) with other people and you almost try to become them. Over the years Ive got attached to different people and then I say that I want the same work as them. This is what has happened with my recent course. I dont know what I am doing. An example of this is I played a sport to international level when I was younger, it was my life, there was a time I trained/played 6 days a week, it was when that stopped I went down hill very fast. However I wasnt trying to play good for myself it was for my coach to prove to her I could do well, to show she was doing a good job. That is was drove me on.

 

My list of things could go on. Growing up I had to have my bedroom layed out in a certain way, I couldnt face a certain way in bed etc etc.

 

I just really am struggling with my moods and keeping myself away from others (not that there are many others, just my mum). I dont like myself at all, I sometimes feel I deserve to suffer.

 

In therapy in the past I had great difficulty expressing my feelings, I would say something, then would be asked how I was feeling and that would be it, my mind would feel blank and over and over I would say "I dont know". Im finding the same problem with my counsellor at the moment. I end up sitting there, either looking away from them or tapping my leg.

 

The worst thing is nobody knows how I am feeling, they all see the cheerful person, the person that goes to work and does a good job. Nobody knows that Im likely to give up on this course.

 

Im getting annoyed with people making comments like "yeah we sometimes dont want to go into work when we get up in the morning", seriously I wish it was just that.

 

My life revolves around structure and routine, isolating people, having no friends. I literally work and at other times sleep, because when I sleep I dont have to think about anything.

 

Sorry for going on, my assessment is this coming week and then another two sessions after that. I just needed someone to talk to that might understand.

[darkshine]

Just a quick question has anyone found that they get obsessed (its not really obsessed to a degree) with other people and you almost try to become them. Over the years Ive got attached to different people and then I say that I want the same work as them. This is what has happened with my recent course. I dont know what I am doing. An example of this is I played a sport to international level when I was younger, it was my life, there was a time I trained/played 6 days a week, it was when that stopped I went down hill very fast. However I wasnt trying to play good for myself it was for my coach to prove to her I could do well, to show she was doing a good job. That is was drove me on.

I've found that I do this - its very annoying but I can't stop myself, when there's someone I respect or admire (which is rare) I end up emulating them - its like I can't help it - and its also like they are a better person so being like them is better (bad logic)

 

My list of things could go on. Growing up I had to have my bedroom layed out in a certain way, I couldnt face a certain way in bed etc etc.

 

I just really am struggling with my moods and keeping myself away from others (not that there are many others, just my mum). I dont like myself at all, I sometimes feel I deserve to suffer.

 

In therapy in the past I had great difficulty expressing my feelings, I would say something, then would be asked how I was feeling and that would be it, my mind would feel blank and over and over I would say "I dont know". Im finding the same problem with my counsellor at the moment. I end up sitting there, either looking away from them or tapping my leg.

I feel I deserve to suffer and the therapy problem is exactly like mine - I find it very stressful because the second the appointment is over, everything I wanted to say comes back to me... but while I'm in that room with them, I know nothing. (Its why I write everything down beforehand - even though the meaning gets lost a bit and not everything gets said - at least part of it gets through).

 

I haven't solved any of these things for myself so can't suggest anything (other than writing things down - which has its pitfalls too). I guess seeing what happens with the assessment would be a good thing to do first anyway and see where you need to go from there.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[Adam Mars]

 

In therapy in the past I had great difficulty expressing my feelings, I would say something, then would be asked how I was feeling and that would be it, my mind would feel blank and over and over I would say "I dont know". Im finding the same problem with my counsellor at the moment. I end up sitting there, either looking away from them or tapping my leg.

 

 

Sounds like alexithymia, which is quite common in people on the spectrum. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia ) It makes most therapy inappropriate or unhelpful, unless you can find a therapist with some experience of relevant cognitive disorders, who can structure therapy according to your own strengths and weaknesses. If you find one, let me know

[butterfly73]

I find, that I have difficulty fathoming how I feel.. ín the moment.

I need distance, in time or space to get some oversight.

So with that I usually don't react very primairy, but secondary!

At times I come back on a conversation, to admit that certain things didn't mix for me..

[trekster]

Good luck with trying to find help in your area. Could you approach the course tutors and explain that you are finding it stressful and wondering if it could be in part due to undiagnosed Aspergers? If they dont know what that is mention autism spectrum disorder. I know a few people who have been diagnosed at university or college.

 

My mum also doesn't understand me at times and says hurtful things without realising. She's suspected Aspergers. i know what being unmotivated and overloaded when trying to do stuff feels like though.