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Tally

Really annoying person

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Please help, my uncle is driving me mad!

 

I think he has Asperger's.

 

This evening I was whingeing on facebook about my backache. I joked that it only hurts when I move.

 

This led to panic stricken messages from my uncle telling me to call out the emergency doctor or go to A&E RIGHT NOW and telling me I must tell them that moving makes it worse - moving does not make it worse, that is the symptom, it hurts when I move! And I just kept saying, nah, it's OK, it's been like this since Sunday and all they will do is tell me to go to bed.

 

Well I was kind of snappy with him after a while because I got annoyed with him, so he phoned my mum all in a panic because I was in a foul mood because the pain was so bad and begging her to come round and take me to the hospital.

 

She did ring me because she saw a missed call from me (I was going to ask her how to make him go away), but she was going to leave it until the morning. But she's in agreement with me that I should take some paracetamol and phone the doctor if it's not better by Monday.

 

He has the nicest intentions and was probably terrified that I was dying of backache and literally COULD NOT MOVE AT ALL and wanted me to get help immediately. But it's REALLY ANNOYING and is probably why he falls out with everyone he knows and has no friends.

 

He's coming over for TWO WEEKS at Christmas. How am I going to cope if I can't make a joke?

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A. Get totally drunk

B. Stay in your room and binge

C. Go out A LOT

D. Try for a 2 week sponsored silence?

E. Be controlled to his face and then beatch about the effort behind his back :ph34r:

 

Haven't a clue really - it might not be as bad as you imagine and it might be over quicker than you think, and you don't have to be in each others company ALL the time!

But good luck - it sounds like you might need it :thumbs:

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It normally is as bad as I imagine and if he's in the house he's either in your face or breaking your computer (or shower or kettle). There is no inbetween. I have told my mum he is not staying in my house after I nearly killed him the last 3 times in a row, but he's staying at my parents' house and I'll have to spend a lot of time there over Christmas. And if he's not staying in my house driving me up the wall, he'll be driving my mum and dad up the wall.

 

He just doesn't get subtle hints like, "I'd really like some time to myself today, so I'm going out but here's a door key and I'll see you later." He'll end up asking to come with you and you have to say no multiple times until you end up losing your temper, and then he gets really upset and wants a conversation about why people are always so mean to him.

Edited by Tally

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It normally is as bad as I imagine and if he's in the house he's either in your face or breaking your computer (or shower or kettle). There is no inbetween. I have told my mum he is not staying in my house after I nearly killed him the last 3 times in a row, but he's staying at my parents' house and I'll have to spend a lot of time there over Christmas. And if he's not staying in my house driving me up the wall, he'll be driving my mum and dad up the wall.

 

He just doesn't get subtle hints like, "I'd really like some time to myself today, so I'm going out but here's a door key and I'll see you later." He'll end up asking to come with you and you have to say no multiple times until you end up losing your temper, and then he gets really upset and wants a conversation about why people are always so mean to him.

I can identify to some extent with your uncle Tally. Unfortunately, being subtle does not work, nor as you have discovered, does losing your temper.

 

If I were him, I would like you to explain to me in clear and unambiguous terms, leavened with a little kindness, that you need to be by yourself sometimes. And maybe he needs to be reassured that you are OK too. Perhaps he is worried about you, albeit to an excessive extent?

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My brother is like this whenever I see him - which is barely never now die to geographic locations in the UK and having no transport :D

 

Its really annoying - but at least it was always for a short time... 2 weeks can feel like forever... I'm terrible at coping with that kind of thing and pretty much isolate myself while its happening, which drives me nuts but is the lesser of two evils (the other being to lose my temper).

 

I like littleplum's suggestion - but with my brother it would take a long time and many repetitions to assure him that its me and not him, and even then, the next time he saw me he would ask again, so we'd have to repeat the same conversation - sometimes I guess its easier not to go there, but I guess if you don't try you won't know, cuz everyone's different :)

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I do feel a bit bad that I've refused to have him stay with me so my parents will have to have him. But at least there are two of them. My mum has got better over the years about being assertive with him, but this normally results in him being in a bad mood and dressed in a smelly crumpled shirt because she's refused to do his washing on Christmas morning while she's trying to cook the turkey.

 

I haven't heard anything from him today so he must have calmed down a bit now.

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Maybe you can get rid of some guilt by being nice when you do see him so they get a break from it - although its a long while ago, I used to walk with my brother to the shop or something like have a cuppa or whatever, and then I'd firmly make my excuses (or if they failed I'd get stuck talking for ages)... Its hard to describe what he's like - but its a nightmare and very hard work, its like he's not listening and everything has to be said over and over, and some subjects he just won't drop, its exhausting - so if your uncle is anything like him then it must be hard to handle for 2 weeks! I seem to find extra patience for him sometimes though - because he's like a worser version of me, so I kinda understand what is happening in his mind IYSWIM? Can you do that for one or 2 times you see him? I can't always :wacko:

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Your brother sounds a lot like my uncle!

 

I definitely have to see him all day long on Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day. My aunt (other side of the family) is having a party the 27th so I'm really hoping she won't invite my uncle along too - she is visiting boxing day and will see my uncle then and probably feel bad about not inviting him.

 

Because I work in a shop I don't get the long break other people do, so some days I have the excuse of having to go to work. But maybe I could find a film I'm not very interested in for him to talk over and give my parents a break.

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I tried the film idea once, it was 'over the hedge' he talked a lot through it so I didn't see much, but it was a great excuse to leave early afterwards as I said I had a friend who'd love to see it too - so wrong :lol: but honestly, it did help.

 

Sometimes I just used to get him onto certain subjects because I know he'd go on and on without needing much of a response.

 

He likes talking about himself and his experiences sometimes, sort of like showing off, and again, just requires the endurance to smile, nod and agree.

 

He's worse when he has a problem, he just won't get over it, no matter how solutions are given or how much he agrees, I know he isn't really listening :wallbash:

 

Work sounds like a good escape :D

 

The thing in my case that I find weird is that I'm the one diagnosed let alone him being far worse than I am - its very random...

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My uncle had schizophrenia and I too couldn’t communicate with him. I understand well how you feel. :)

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He's now sent me an email saying he is very upset that I misled and worried a number of people close to me by making it sound like I was seriously ill. (The tone of their replies doesn't honestly suggest great concern to me, they just seem to hope my back gets better.) All I said was that I had a sore back and later jokingly added that it only hurts when I move, except that he didn't realise this bit was a joke and believed I was immobile and got really scared when I typed to him in chat (whilst apparently immobile) that I didn't think I needed to phone the emergency doctor!

 

When I saw the email I was expecting an apology for worrying my mum late at night over a misunderstanding. But no, instead I get accused of making stuff up for attention.

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Oh dear :( I'm glad my brother is not a friend on facebook and doesn't have my email! Its bad enough dealing with these things in real life never mind online! I take it that's who you wanted to block from chat :lol:

 

I'm not sure I know how'd I'd cope with it - maybe a lot of these :wallbash:

 

Some of the people I know on facebook put all sorts of posts so its just a thing where most of us learn to not take most of them seriously - one of mine is forever going on about drinking but no-one ever worries they are an alcoholic (though it sure sounds like they might be to me)... Another person puts up random posts and never replies to them.

 

From what you've said I think most people would not have assumed you were lying stuck somewhere while having a conversation on fb :rolleyes:

 

If my bro did act like that though, I'd tell him to think about what he says a bit more - but that'd only cause an argument, so than again I wouldn't, but I would try to explain how fb works, and clearly explain that its important to think about things before jumping to conclusions, as well as a talk about taking me on my word when I tell him I'm alright.

Edited by darkshine

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OK, I think I might have got to the bottom of things.

 

He somehow thought my backache was a symptom of something serious and urged me to see an emergency doctor. Other people's replies are more along the lines of, "I'm sorry, I hope you feel better soon," than, "oh my goodness I am sleepless with worry." He is the only one who was excessively concerned. I refused to call out the doctor and he persisted. I'd had an overall rubbishy day and was in pain, and felt harrassed by him, and before I lost it with him simply logged off facebook. This concerned him so much he phoned my mum.

 

My mum does not use facebook and did not know what I had written. She was exhausted, having only come home from 3 weeks in Sri Lanka and India on Saturday, and was also on a massive downer that evening. Knowing that I wouldn't have been posting on facebook in a medical emergency, she palmed him off by saying I can't be that ill because I'd been to my German class and shopping that day and it must just be a joke.

 

So I think he now thinks the whole backache thing was a joke. People have posted sympathetic replies and he is probably annoyed that I misled them into thinking I had a backache. He is also annoyed that in our chat conversation I did not tell him I was making it up, and instead let him continue to believe I had backache, and worried him even further by refusing to seek medical treatment. His reaction makes a lot more sense now. But it still seems a bit extreme.

 

In his email he's asked me to take responsibility for my joke getting misunderstood and apologise to all the people I misled and worried.

 

If I do reply to the email it will be only to give my side of the story, without apportioning any blame, but also without accepting responsibility for him misunderstanding. Otherwise I am just going to ignore the email and refuse to discuss it if he brings it up over Christmas.

 

He's now only coming for 10 days over Christmas, but he is coming to my aunty's party so I will be with him 4 days on the trot.

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I think you are right, there's no need to proportion blame - after all, misunderstandings do happen, its not your fault he misunderstood you, not when there's so much evidence to show that no-one else over-reacted - or to show that you were making it up - that's him who decided that.

 

What a nightmare though... I'd be very tempted to not reply to his email, and if he brings it up then I might apologise and say I forgot to email back or some other lame excuse.

 

You didn't do anything wrong - if there's any posts you don't want him to see, you can edit who sees it before you post (bottom right of status box you type in) that way you might be able to avoid this happening again - sounds like there's enough going on without this kind of drama :)

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I don't know what to do at the moment. I am still so angry that he worried my mum like that, and I'm not willing to apologise for making him do it.

 

I can't believe he's sent such a nasty email accusing me of making it all up.

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I don't know what to do at the moment. I am still so angry that he worried my mum like that, and I'm not willing to apologise for making him do it.

 

I can't believe he's sent such a nasty email accusing me of making it all up.

It's probably the right choice - to not do anything while you are angry... wait and see how you feel in a few days :)

 

The important thing is you know you did nothing wrong, and from what you've said about your parents they also seem to believe that you did nothing wrong either!

 

The only person who did not think before they acted was your uncle - so really its him that should apologise for upsetting people and not getting his facts straight before making people worry/stirring things up.

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Oh dear. He sounds like my elderly uncle too! My uncle misunderstands situations, fixates on details, over-reacts and gets angry when his attempts to "help" aren't appreciated. And he will persist until he either gets what he expects, or someone explicitly spells out the facts of the sitation, so he can change his mind.

 

If I do reply to the email it will be only to give my side of the story' date=' without apportioning any blame, but also without accepting responsibility for him misunderstanding. Otherwise I am just going to ignore the email and refuse to discuss it if he brings it up over Christmas.[/quote']

 

If he's anything like my uncle, ignoring him won't work and will set you both up for an unhappy Christmas. An email would be a good idea. Try to see it as a misunderstanding, without blame on either side and without the expectation of an apology. If your uncle has AS, he needs to know the facts. Without them, he will stay angry and confused.

 

If it was my uncle, I would send an email containing the following (worded more politely):

1. Thanks for your concern.

2. I really had a backache and it was very painful, but it was not an emergency.

3. On this occasion, it wasn't an emergency, thankfully, so no cause for panic.

4. I made a joke of my (real) backache because I didn't want my friends to worry too much. They know me well and they all understood the joke.

5. I'm sorry if you misunderstood that and it caused you alarm.

6. Thanks once again for your concern.

7. See you soon.

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I think this is worded brilliantly, I struggle to do this - say things in a way that reduces the chance of further confusion and without inflaming the situation or having to apologise :D being 'succinct' I think is the term - or 'to the point' ;)

 

If it was my uncle, I would send an email containing the following (worded more politely):

1. Thanks for your concern.

2. I really had a backache and it was very painful, but it was not an emergency.

3. On this occasion, it wasn't an emergency, thankfully, so no cause for panic.

4. I made a joke of my (real) backache because I didn't want my friends to worry too much. They know me well and they all understood the joke.

5. I'm sorry if you misunderstood that and it caused you alarm.

6. Thanks once again for your concern.

7. See you soon.

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I agree with darkshine, that's a really helpful outline Rannoch :notworthy:

 

I had already decided that if I say nothing it leaves him still believing I lied, and also that I wouldn't make amends once he caught me out. And he would bring it up over Christmas and we would upset each other.

 

I have to address it now so that if he brings it up over Christmas I can reasonably say that I've said all that needs to be said and let's just put it behind us now.

 

I drafted a reply this afternoon but my mum says it's too harsh, as I knew she would. I've basically outlined my side of what happened in the hope that he'll ask himself why it is so different from his perception and realise he overreacted. So I'm going to have another go tomorrow and polish it with my mum and dad before sending it tomorrow evening.

 

I have said I'm sorry he misunderstood, rather than apologising for being unclear myself. But I also wanted to make him see that he was the only one who misunderstood and panicked, so he can see that the miscommunication was at his end, not mine. Rannoch's way of doing that is much nicer. Also my mum suggested I say that I played it down to her and told her it was just a joke so as not to worry her (which was why she then told him it was a joke) - to make him see that asking her opinion, without her having even seen the comments, was not a good way to get a good understanding of what I meant.

 

My mum did say that whatever I say, there still is the possibility that he will take it wrong. But at least she is on my side if it all goes horribly wrong. And hopefully it won't if I tread carefully enough!

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Sounds good to me - hope it all goes well with the re-draft - rannoch has definitely helped with the diplomatic side of things :D I still wish my mind could do that - I know I'd go blathering on for an eternity and my point would get lost :lol:

 

With any luck it might help your uncle to understand - I guess it would be wrong to leave him feeling the way he is without any explanation at all - good luck Tally :thumbs:

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Now my mum feels like the whole thing is her fault :tearful:

 

Anyway, the email will be sent tomorrow evening and I'm having nothing more to do with it after that. This will have had 4 days of my attention and it really doesn't deserve any more.

 

PS. I had to drive over to my old house this morning along the country lanes and all the looking round has flared my backache up again and I can't even moan to anyone about it.

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Hi Tally,

 

I guess if you do think he may have AS too, then perhaps taking a step back might help you think through why he has made these mistakes in his social communication over this issue, and maybe help to remove some of the annoyance?

 

Hope you resolve things soon >:D<<'>

 

Bid :)

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I can see why he now thinks I made it up for a joke, this is because my mum used the word "joke" during the conversation and he's latched onto it as an explanation. Which is something I think people with AS commonly do. Though he's completely failed to take into account what kind of person I am, which is what is hurtful about the accusation.

 

But I really can't understand why he panicked and phoned her in the first place. I only ever mentioned backache, so I don't know why he thought I had other illnesses. Lots of my other Facebook friends have AS and not a single other one of them thought I had other illnesses. My mum really is the last person I would think of to comment on Facebook.

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I can see why he now thinks I made it up for a joke, this is because my mum used the word "joke" during the conversation and he's latched onto it as an explanation. Which is something I think people with AS commonly do. Though he's completely failed to take into account what kind of person I am, which is what is hurtful about the accusation.

It would be best not to take your uncle's comments to heart. Try to brush them off. It seems that your uncle doesn't know what kind of person you are and misreads people quite often, so there's no point taking his opinions personally. There's a possibility (if he's like my uncle) that he will continue to blame you for misleading/lying to him. After all, no one likes to find out that they're the only person who has not understood a joke! Accept that this is the flawed logic of a very literal-minded aspie and humour him. You'll get through Christmas more easily this way.

 

Many people have strange elderly relatives and take the approach of humouring them. For example, I knew an old lady with dementia who said the most horrible, personal things: the only way people tolerate this is if they don't take it personally.

 

I don't know why he thought I had other illnesses. Lots of my other Facebook friends have AS and not a single other one of them thought I had other illnesses. My mum really is the last person I would think of to comment on Facebook.

As far as social networking goes, I keep friends and associates separate from family.

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Christmas dinner is at my house Kathryn, so the table plan is mine, all mine!

 

Rannoch, your comparison to "strange elderly relatives" made me giggle . . . my uncle turns 49 on Tuesday :lol:

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Right, email approved by Mum and Dad, and sent.

 

If he wants to discuss it further, I can now justifiably refuse. Which means it's over now. As far as I'm concerned anyway.

 

Relief!!! :jester:

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Oh dear . . . he is now terribly offended that I thought he thought I made it up.

 

I said in my email that I hoped we could put this behind us. We're just going round and round in circles now, offending each other! Nevertheless, he is going to to phone me tonight to discuss it further. I won't be answering. This will offend him.

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I can't believe this is still going on!

 

Because I wouldn't answer the phone to him, he's talked it over at length with my mum on the phone. He also talked about it with her in person for several hours yesterday. He's still extremely hurt, and still wants to discuss his feelings with me. My mum has told him in no uncertain terms that he is NOT to discuss this over Christmas and he did behave himself today. But it's probably all going to blow up again after Christmas.

 

He told my mum I've been talking about him with others of our relatives and friends, but I've only talked about it with my parents and people who don't know him. I don't know why he's blowing it up out of all proportion and trying to make out I have done all these things wrong. He misunderstood and over-reacted, no one else did, so I really don't think it can be my fault.

 

He's also told my mum he thinks he has Asperger Syndrome, which we've all been trying to tell him for a long time. He's really upset about this too. I hope he doesn't try to use it as an excuse for what he's done because I won't be very sympathetic if he does.

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If it were my brother doing this - which he has in the past - at this point he would be told to just drop it, it was a misunderstanding, let's all get on with our lives - depending on his reaction, it would hopefully end there - its too trivial to hold a grudge over (I'd say that too) :P

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What a fuss over a relatively minor issue and what childish behaviour he's displaying. I think you're right- it's his issue to deal with and all you can do is try to ignore him.

 

K x

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Well I thought he had behaved himself on Christmas day but my mum is really annoyed with him about being in such a bad mood and not participating, which I didn't really notice. He was asleep most of the time I wasn't in the kitchen. He really has driven my mum up the wall in the couple of days he stayed with her, and he's going back to my parents' house for a few more days before he goes home, so that will be . . . interesting.

 

I don't know how my grandparents are coping with him at their house. They would never say if there was any problem anway.

 

He's going home on 30th and I'm not seeing him before then, so I guess it will be the new year before I get any more little surprises in my inbox. My dad says I can tell him to P off after Christmas, and from what he's said to my mum, he's not about to let this one drop. Lucky me :rolleyes:

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Hi Tally after all your family have been through this yr I cannot believe he is behaving in such a manner, particularly as christmas must have been so very difficult for you all.

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He's also told my mum he thinks he has Asperger Syndrome, which we've all been trying to tell him for a long time. He's really upset about this too.
Perhaps this could be why he is upset and over-reacting?

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He texted me happy new year and said he'd phone on new year's day, so I thought there's no point replying to the text if I'm going to speak to him the following day. We never normally exchange new year texts anyway. I was in all new year's day and he didn't phone then.

 

Now he's complained to my mum that I have been ignoring his texts and phone calls!

 

I don't have an answerphone on my home phone so I can't tell whether he's phoned while I was out, and I have no missed calls on my mobile either.

 

I'd quite like to speak to him and find out whether he's going to go on about the backache. I don't think he will because my mum's told him not to, but it would be nice to know and have a normal conversation. But as he's just moved house and bought a new mobile, I can't phone him anyway.

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I can't believe it, but this is still rumbling on. He's had a number of conversations with my mum about it even though she keeps saying she doesn't want to get involved or be a go-between. He just doesn't listen.

 

From my point of view, he harrassed me to go to the doctor, and when he didn't get his way he "told on me" to my mum, massively exaggerating the actual problem in order to get her to force me to go to the doctor, worrying and upsetting her in the process. Then I made a very slightly mean comment on Facebook which he sent me a really nasty email about, accusing me of faking serious illness for attention and worrying a lot of people. I spent a long time writing a diplomatic reply, to which he replied with another really nasty, accusatory email, which is one of the most sarcastic pieces of writing I have ever read.

 

He thinks he tried to help me and sent me two really nice emails. He simply has no concept that there is any other interpretation of what happened than this, and can't understand why I am upset.

 

My cousin is getting married in March. My mum told him we were looking forward to it and he has no right to spoil it for us. So in the spirit of making things right, he has now fallen out with my mum as well.

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