Really annoying person

[darkshine]

I guess you could either keep trying to resolve things - or - you could just give up for a bit until you are in a better mood to deal with his cr4p...

 

It really sounds like he's just stirring things to get attention in some way - and sometimes the best remedy for that is to not give in to it and don't give him what he wants.

 

And from what it sounds like - so far - his attention grabbing strategies are working because everyone's jumping on the band wagon and its getting a little out of control - especially seeing as its 2 months later now!!

 

If everybody just refuses to discuss it (this means still speaking to him but not about the stupid things he's moaning about) then eventually he'll get the message - we find this is a good last option when my brother acts in a similar way...

 

We say "look ****** if you want to talk that's fine, but not about the stupid cr4p about X, we'll talk to you about anything else - but not that" then we leave it up to him - 9 times out of 10 he drops his stupid obsessional topic and moves on - because otherwise the consequence is that nobody talks to him - and because he likes attention he doesn't like that one bit (which I guess is why it works so well - that and there is a negative consequence to his BS when he just won't drop things).

[Tally]

I was at my parents' house a couple of weeks ago when he phoned to speak to my parents. (This was before he fell out with my mum.) My mum told him I was there and asked if he wanted to speak to me, but apparently he got very upset and said no. So at the moment, speaking to him at all is not a possibility.

 

My mum's attempts to put things right since their argument have gone very badly. All he wants to do is tell her how bad she made him feel, he is not interested in learning what he did that made her lose her temper. She's even more angry with him than she was before, because she has apologised for shouting at him and he is just carrying on doing the thing that she shouted about.

 

My mum has tried to explain how she and I feel, but this is what has led to him becoming so upset with her, he just doesn't believe her and feels she's criticising him. Not only does he not understand our feelings, but even when they are explained he still cannot accept there is any interpretation other than his own. I do think he genuinely doesn't get it, but it's still really frustrating and does feel like he does not care about us at all.

Edited February 9, 2012 by Tally

[darkshine]

Does this happen often with your uncle or is this a one off event?

[Tally]

I was already aware that most of his friendships and relationships end explosively after a short while, he had a lot of fallings out at university while he was doing his PhD, and also that he can have a bit of a temper (which I've witnessed, but never been on the recieving end of). He's having a lot of difficulty seeking work since graduating because of falling out with so many academic colleagues.

 

But he and I have always got on very well and this is the first time I've ever fallen out with him. I said to my mum that it all seems really out of character for him, but she didn't agree. He's always spoken to her much more about his troubles when he's arguing with someone so she knows more about how he handles these situations than I do because it's her he often talks them through with.

 

Saying that, he's very difficult to spend much time with. Even before this I did tell my mum he was not staying with me over Christmas. He was unbearable when he stayed with me after David died, and the two times he stayed with me before that he was difficult too. But in a completely different way to this. Stuff like he'll arrive with no clean clothes and he expects you to wash, dry and iron them for him to wear the following day. Or he takes a very long time to get ready to leave the house in the mornings. It makes you want to scream but it isn't hurtful and you laugh about it afterwards.

 

Actually being able to see the "nice" emails he's sent does shed light on what might have happened when he's fallen out with other people when he thinks he's sent them nice emails too and can't understand why they're still angry with him.

 

Also my grandma hurt her back on Friday and made the mistake of telling him. It can't have been too serious as the doctor recommended only paracetamol, but she decided against taking it anyway. But out of concern, he phoned her 4 times on Sunday, which can feel a bit harrassing when you're feeling sore and poorly.

Edited February 10, 2012 by Tally

[darkshine]

I guess its difficult if the one person who helps him resolve things, is another person he's angry with and it sounds like you all have enough to deal with without him blowing up... do you think there's anything you can do? - or is it just a storm to live through? (one that blows over quickly I hope as it seems to have gone on a while longer than necessary already).

[Tally]

I really don't think there's anything I can do. He will accept only his side of things, which is that I am a big meany for no reason. I don't believe I can convince him differently.

 

If I explain how I felt about it all he will just argue with me. Plus I've already said I'm not willing to do this and it will only encourage him to discuss his feelings at length in return. He's determined to believe I am the bad guy and even prepared to make up stuff to convince himself it's true. (He's told my mum I've done some fanciful things, which she knows is all untrue.)

 

The only thing I've considered is sending a really frank email something along the lines of, "look, you are being a total poohead about something that happened two months ago. I don't think you meant to upset anyone, but you accidentally did and it made me angry. I'm not angry any more. I have put this behind me and want to be friends. I know Mum wants to be too. Do you?"

 

But it's kill or cure, it's a big risk.

[Mumble]

<'> >< Sounds sooo much like my mother. I find it so hard not to take her actions personally and to tell myself that she's not doing things maliciously or to annoy, she just doesn't see the consequences of her actions and is completely self-centred/absorbed. There are many times I've said something when it would have been easier to bite my tongue, but it is so hard and the actions/attacks do feel personal. I suppose the positive you have is that others can see what he is like so you know it's him and not you; it's just a challenge to keep reminding yourself of that.

[Tally]

I've just sent him an email saying I haven't heard from him for a while and asking how he is.

 

He does not know my mum has been discussing their conversations with me, and he did ask her not to. The last I heard was on New Year's Eve when he texted me to say he was going to phone the day after, but didn't. I kept thinking, "maybe he'll phone tomorrow instead," but he never did and eventually I realised he wasn't going to.

 

Depending on his reply, I may need the "poohead" draft at some point. But hopefully he'll be so relieved he is not the one who has to make the first move that he'll play nice.

[Tally]

He phoned this evening and we had a nice conversation

 

Hopefully everything's going to be OK now!

[RainbowsButterflies]

Fab news Tally!

[Mumble]

:clap:

[darkshine]

Fingers crossed