Is this part of my Aspergers???

[lilnicki]

I find it really hard to be descriptive when i talk...... I seem to use simple words, and often come across as using "clumsy" vocabulary.... If i'm trying to put something across in a polite manner respecting someones feelings, i usually end up offending by just being to "direct" and not at all "eloquent". Even trying to write this post is hard as i can't find the right words to describe what i mean...... I read the post about someones uncle who had taken offence because of the bad back, and a very helpful reply was written about how to email him...... this is exactly what i CAN'T do. I know i'm like this, so most times i try not to say anything at all so i don't offend, but is there anything i can do to improve this or am i stuck with it?

 

Nicki

[rannoch]

I read the post about someones uncle who had taken offence because of the bad back, and a very helpful reply was written about how to email him...... this is exactly what i CAN'T do. I know i'm like this, so most times i try not to say anything at all so i don't offend, but is there anything i can do to improve this or am i stuck with it?

I think it was my post you were referring to, so I'll just mention that planning an email is very different from talking to people. I find it difficult to talk to others and to find the right words at the right time. I used to be intimidated by people who seem to be eloquent and articulate, but realised that they aren't necessarily better communicators; they just have more words for things. I've met aspies who sometimes use complicated or obscure words that other people don't use. This just sounds strange and eccentric. There is nothing wrong with using simple words to explain things. It's better to keep things simple and be understood!

[Tally]

I think this is very much a part of Asperger's. It's difficult for people with Asperger's to anticipate what another person's feelings may be, which can make it difficult for us to respect them. It can also be difficult for us to recognise and verbalise our own feelings, which means we can't communicate them clearly to others.

 

I don't think it's something that will ever completely go away, but it is something you can get better at. Unfortunately, the only way to improve is through practice, and if you shy away from saying anything you're not going to get that practice. I do understand why you prefer not to say anything, I am exactly the same. But if you do practice, you can build up your confidence a little every time you do get it right.

 

Interestingly, I did email my uncle along the lines suggested by rannoch, and it only inflamed the situation. Some people simply want to be offended and nothing you say will ever be acceptable to them. Not all misunderstandings are your fault.

[trekster]

Ironically autistic are often accused of not understanding the needs for tact when it can be that case that the tactful thing to say doesn't get retained as easily as the 'impolite' thing.

 

Also it's knowing when the right time is to talk to someone, i dont necessarily mean time of day, just when the other person is able to take in what you are saying.

 

Sorry for the long sentences hard to summarise my words at the moment.

[darkshine]

Whenever I actually try to be tactful I end up insulting or offending people more! And I never pick the right time to talk to people either.... Its funny, but sometimes when I've blurted something out, I seem to get a better response But I don't find that easy to do, so I often say nothing, and explaining what I feel or think isn't easy as I get sequences of events wrong - as in I say things in the wrong order - so I'm forever trying to work out where to start, and what is relevant...

 

I think communication is something that can be improved and that practice is the best way, to sort of compile general rules, and when the general rules make some sort of sense, trying to get specifics sorted out (some are easy - and some might never make sense) - its a continuous effort (in terms of life not every second of every day) and people who aren't on the spectrum aren't perfect at communication either or there wouldn't be a million books on it

[lilnicki]

Oh dear...... i said i hadn't explained it very well :/

 

Let me give you an example ....... My Mum ( who can be very bossy) came round to my house and we were standing in my garden. I told her i wanted to get rid of the pond because i have a small son and didn't feel it was safe. She proceeded to spend the next half hour telling me why i should keep it..... and some point along the time i should have said something to her....... the first thing that came into my head was " butt out it's none of your business what i do with my pond".......but i KNEW that sounded too abrupt.......so because i couldn't find the right words i ended up saying nothing....... which wound me up even more because she then thought i had taken it on board ( the pond came out the following week).

 

Can you now see what my problem is??

 

Nicki

[darkshine]

I have that problem too - funnily enough I just said as much in a PM to someone - finding words is not always easy... I think practice is the key - finding that balance isn't easy... for many years I just gave up talking to people because it felt like nothing I said was right. And offending people is easier to do than to convey what I actually think.

 

It's annoying because while my brain is working so fast trying to vet every word, they are completely oblivious...

 

It has gotten better with practice, cuz it all depends on the people you talk to - some people I know don't care how I say things, so I feel more able to say them - but most people do get bothered so I have to try to come up with ways of getting things across - which is not easy - its like a minefield of mis-communication, offence, misunderstandings, and arguments... Cuz meaning gets lost - the more I change what I say to suit people, the more my original meaning gets lost and the more angry we get because I don't understand them and they don't understand me

 

Maybe there are tips for this - but I don't know them... I just have a massive database in my head that I try to base future interaction around past experiences - but this is flawed because everyone I talk to is different so it gets pretty complicated.

 

Best

 

Darkshine