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How does an Adult with Aspergers make friends?

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I have had difficulty since Secondary School making and building friendships, I think I can put this down to my Aspergers. How does an Adult with Aspergers make and build new friendships?

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Hello I am totally new to any forum at all and I am trying to find out exactly the same thing as you are asking for my stepson who has come to live with us and I haven't a clue as to how to help him, he is 27 and i would love him to have more people in his life.

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work or some sort of voluntary work will provide some sort of social contact at least......do u work?

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Well.. THIS is a good start ;-)

 

and.. there is sth like wikihow, with also several tips on friendship, relationships etc..

 

General feeling: Most AS click better with other AS, though not necessarily so.. usually..

There is more respect for quirkiness, if perceived as such by others anyway..

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I've always found it hard to make friends, but always managed to have a small number of friends until I became physically unwell and had difficulty going out to meet with people.

 

The thing that helped me make friends was meeting people with interests in common, and meeting them regularly. When you have something in common, it's easier to think of topics of conversation. I find that I am very bad at keeping in touch with people when I don't actually see them. I lost touch with nearly all my school friends within weeks of leaving school.

 

In my first job I made quite a lot of friends. Although we all had very different personalities and interests, the thing we had in common was that we worked in the same place. Of course, I lost touch with them all as soon as I left the job!

 

Other ways to meet people with similar interests could be a club or class associated with something that interests you. Sports clubs can be good as the main focus is on the activity and not on the chat. Work (paid or voluntary) is another way to meet people, depending on the type of work you could have similar interests.

 

Social groups for people with AS/ASD are normally more forgiving because people don't expect you to have great social skills and are more likely to forgive any social mistakes. You won't necessarily find people with the same interests or personality as you, but it can be a good way to try out social skills and gain some confidence in your social ability.

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I always find keeping friends is harder than making them :lol:

 

I guess you have to start with making acquaintances first so there's a chance of friendship building.

 

In my experience finding someone who you are firm friends with instantly is like love at first sight - it doesn't happen all that often - and some people have made good suggestions for making initial contact with people so I won't repeat the ideas :P but I guess you gotta be in places to meet people first cuz mostly they aint gonna come and find you, you gotta go and find them...

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It helps when you are aware that life in fact is constantly changing.. you are and so are people around you..

So, though you might feel that a certain friendship might be forever.. one can néver tell.. you might grow apart, move away.. loose sight, and that is hard, but only normal!

Maintaining friendships is also an item on wikihow btw ;-)

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I must say I dread the prospect of meeting someone new who could potentially become a friend. It happens fairly often but not once has a lasting friendship resulted.

 

So I go through the early stages of acquaintanceship knowing that it will go nowhere, and almost wishing that will become clear to the other person sooner rather than later.

 

The problem is that I end up saying or doing the 'wrong thing'. It could be something innocuous - I may not even be conscious of it - but it seems to send a signal that I am not quite normal.

 

So I tend to be a little 'cool' when I meet someone new, especially if I really like them, which I know seems perverse.

 

Oh the joys of AS! :lol:

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I used to start every acquaintance > friendship thinking: if I don't trust you, or care for you, or like you too much, then you won't end up dropping me, hurting me, or bothering me later, and also I won't have to go through the hassle of keeping someone happy, or the annoyance of the games some people play.

 

Now - I try to think absolutely nothing for as much of the time as is possible, because its hard enough navigating the social world without all the rubbish in my head making it impossible :P

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What I find most difficult is trying to make conversation with new people when I meet them, especially when I seem to struggle with reading body language. Does anybody have any tips for situations like this?

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Trying to meet people at an event centred around something you're interested in is a good way to overcome this, as you know others are going to be interested in the same topic and enjoy talking about it.

 

Another thing that can be worthwhile is thinking of some things to say beforehand. Asking people questions about themselves can be a good way to start a conversation and show interest in the other person. It can also be useful to think of ways to close a conversation if it doesn't seem to be going very well. Instead of just walking away you can say something like, "I'm just going to get a drink, I'll talk to you later."

 

It can sometimes be helpful to bring someone with you and ask them to help facilitate conversation. For example, if a person mentions something you're interested in, the person could say something like, "oh, you're interested in that aren't you Richard," and this can help prompt you to talk about something appropriate. Your helper could also use a signal if talking too much can be a problem for you, to let you know when you need to stop. Sometimes a helper like this can help to initiate friendships, which you can sustain on your own after a while.

Edited by Tally

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I have a female friend I have known since Secondary School. What I find strange is that I always seem to be the one making contact. Is this normal or should I read more into it?

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If you're getting something positive out of the friendship, and the friendship seems genuine, then it can be worthwhile putting in the effort to keep in touch. It's possible she's just not very good at keeping in touch herself and appreciates you doing so.

 

But yes, it's also possible that she's not really interested in being friends any more. Does she say she is pleased to hear from you?

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I find it very difficult to make and keep frends too. I am thinking of volunteering as a way to at least be around others even though I know friendship is unlikely. I try to talk to people on forums like this too :)

 

I have had difficulty since Secondary School making and building friendships, I think I can put this down to my Aspergers. How does an Adult with Aspergers make and build new friendships?

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Volunteering is a good way to meet people who have some similar interests - and at the same time can do some good for someone else so can make you feel good too :D

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A longing for friends seems to be a normal part of the human condition. But it is possible to grow out of it and to learn to enjoy solitude. I say this not to depress anyone but to acknowledge how difficult it is for AS people to make those strong, lasting connections with people outside one's family.

 

Not having friends means you are spared the stress of worrying whether you keeping in touch with them often enough, or of turning down an invitation to go out for an evening when you'd rather stay at home, or of missing some unspoken sign that there is something wrong with them and then feeling guilty when they tell someone else about it. I know I would be rubbish at it so I don't think anyone is at a loss for not having me as a friend.

 

Learning to become emotionally self sufficient is one of the positive outcomes of being AS, at least as far as I am concerned. Don't know if everyone would agree?

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Sometimes people say - which helps a lot!! Other than that they might want to meet up, or text you, they might say "hi mate" dunno about body language though... maybe someone else does :D

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Keeping friends is harder than making them.

 

I don't have nor want any as a friendship only seems to last as long as they can get something out of me.

 

I firmly believe in the mantra from my favourite TV Doctor, Gregory House:-

 

"Everybody lies"

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What about making friends at work. Is that a good idea?

 

Depends who you work with and what line of work you're in. I get on well with most of my work colleagues but wouldn't really want to see all of them socially out of work. What would happen if you had a bust-up in a pub or somewhere knowing you have to work with that person the following day? I don't have any friends out of work but given the choice would prefer to keep work friends and non-work friends separate.

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I found these book may be helpful

 

social skills for teenagers and adults with aspergers syndrome: a practical day to day life http://www.amazon.co...32576454&sr=8-6

 

this is another one by wendy lawson friends the http://www.amazon.co.uk/Friendships-The-Aspie-Emma-Wall/dp/184310427X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1332576724&sr=1-1aspie way -

 

you may also want to contact NAS they have some useful stuff.

Edited by Special_talent123

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Are their any unwritten rules when it comes to how often you should keep in contact with your friends or should you just go with the flow?

I'm afraid it all depends on the friend - I've had some who wanted daily contact (they didn't last long as I couldn't cope) - most of my friends understand that I will go AWOL and turn up again when things are ok again (I've found that so far there isn't a person I've actually met who can handle the amount of rubbish in my life, so when things aren't great I disappear).

 

Of my current friends I talk to one old friend ever 3-9 months, another every 2-12 months, some a little more frequently on facebook but they aren't real friends (its just hitting like on posts and the odd comment), a pen pal every week (anything up to 5 times each) and another older friend every 2-4 months.

 

None of these people live near me.

 

There are a couple that do, and we meet up every couple of months and only talk in-between to arrange the meet - or they come to my house :lol:

 

I'm rubbish at regular social activity and my life is by no means an average example - but it might give you a rough idea how everyone is different?

 

I try to gauge friends reactions after certain passages of time - if they moan, I know I have to remember them sooner, if they don't moan I might just let them reply in their own time, and if I get impatient (it does happen - they don't all chase me!) I might message them with a light hearted "hey mate, long time no hear" kinda message.

 

Hope this helps.

 

The book ideas from special talent might be an idea - your local library might have them in or be able to get them in for you if you don't fancy spending cash - although amazon isn't bad for prices (especially on "used-like new" items).

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Hi. Thanks for the advice and details of the books which I will explore further. I have a couple of friends at present and I am struggling to make sure that I don't do anything wrong to mess up the friendships I have.

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I myself have not discovered a concrete set of rules for friendship, this is because people are just so different - you just have to kinda try and when you make mistakes, try to learn from them as you go along.

 

 

Good luck :thumbs:

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A true friend? Its hard to say. I'd say one of mine is. From the moment we met we got on, we've barely ever argued, we just clicked, I can be my weird self and it doesn't matter, I can say things and I don't have to watch every word I say, I can not ring or write for a year and it doesn't matter, we haven't even met up for over 2 years now but it doesn't matter (we miss spending time - but its not like a massive pressure for one of us to travel miles and miles to visit while it isn't possible).

 

Some of my other friends might end up being true friends - they might not - I can't tell as most of my friendships are long distance - and I tend to find that time is the real test.

 

To me, a true friend is someone I am at least 90% comfortable with for at least 90% of the time. I can talk freely and be myself without fear of recrimination, I can have the freedom to decide how much to trust - and if they are a true friend they will realise that and support it with patience and trust.

 

The things we do together might be different for each friend - I might have fun with one friend and talk seriously with another - I don't think that matters, they can still be a true friend.

 

That friend I say is my true friend (the one I talked about first) - I can literally say anything to that person - and I mean anything, when we are alone together, we went through teenage hell together and it formed a bond I think.

 

Everyone who is counted as my friend I feel a tie to, in some way. Its hard to explain, but the thing that might give you hope is that 3 of my friends, were all met in some random way or place, and there was an instant connection of some kind. One of them is an intellectual friend - we talk about stuff and never meet (very long distance). Another I met at a uni thing - this one likes chit chat with a bit of other talk (again, never met since the uni week), another I met on a train station (of all places!!) and we liked all the same things (to begin with anyway lol), now life has changed things and we barely talk but again, it doesn't matter - I'd say that he's close to a true friend, but I have to make a fair amount of effort.

 

The hardest thing is breaking through barriers with people - with these 3 guys I never had to, we just clicked even though we are pretty different as people and span 4 decades with our ages!!! (just) Sure we don't always agree, one of them stopped talking to me for 6 months after I told him about my diagnosis - I sent another message as though I'd never said anything and now we talk again :rolleyes: (I didn't bother telling the other 2 after that) :lol: today I don't care, but you'll probably find me griping about the effort it takes at keeping friends (at some point in the future anyway)

 

Dunno if any of this is useful? But my advice is take the opportunities to try to talk to people when you can - you never know - people can crop up in some of the strangest places sometimes. (I have made friends in ordinary ways too - just thought I'd add that - like tutorials, group meetings, voluntary stuff, classes etc - I didn't list those because I wanted to point out that it doesn't always have to be predictable sounding - it can be random as hell) :D

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Hi. Thanks for the advice. I have one friend who I have worked with for a number of years, although the friendship has only really grown recently since I discovered that I probably have Aspergers and becuase of this have worked harder to improve the friendship as I realise I do lack some social skills. The same goes for my other friend I have known since secondary school. I have realised that to maintain a friendship you do have to put some effort in.

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Your welcome - its something I have to work on too.

 

I'm kinda like a kid with toys when it comes to friends, in a perfect world I would pop them in a cupboard and only get them out when I get around to remembering :lol:

 

Its so bad!! But, because I understand that about myself, it makes it more clear to me that I have to remember to be more aware of my own actions.

 

When I can't be bothered to talk I find messaging people to say "hi, not been great will message soon" or "Hi been busy will get back to you soon" just to let people know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth - I might add a "How's things with you?" and I might ask about something they've said is going on - just to get the ball rolling again and show I pay attention to what they say...

 

It sometimes very easy because a lot of people are happy with certain types of communication - I find this all much harder with people I need to see (big difference keeping people happy online to face-to-face). I find the internet gives me room to be me and because everyone is so "busy" (yet always on a pc) it gives leeway when I need my own space.

 

From what you've said it sounds like you are making progress, I think friendship is just as much about us learning social rules, as it is about learning to trust gut reactions, and be more forward at interactions and learning how to react to different situations and different people you know?

 

And as far as I see it, the only way to do that is to practice, I am learning that its ok to make mistakes, they happen to teach us - we just might struggle in understanding the million possibilities sometimes :lol: but like I said, the more we try, the more we learn - and there's some people out there who can really ignite stuff for you in your own life - like good influences and people who teach us things....

 

Right, that's my positivity quota done for a few hours :D

Edited by darkshine

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I cant tell who my real friends are because most of them decline when i invite them to come over , or go out and do things . I have had friends that when we arrange to meet up on the day we were going to meet up cancel the day saying they have no money but instead they have gone to the pub. I have friends that don't see me other than group and only few that comes over to mine

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Yeah, I got a similar thing going on to that... its why I largely opt for internet communication, there's less pressure that way.

 

I've found that the only guaranteed way to regularly meet people on my own terms has been to join some kind of class or group or voluntary kinda thing - its a way to meet people without anyone letting anyone down, you can go or not go, and the same is true for them.

 

Plus because by doing this you'd only be doing things that you have some degree of interest in, it gives a higher chance that the other people there will at the very least share one interest with you.

 

At the moment I can't cope with groups, so I stick with online stuff - I am planning to look into some stuff after my exam in April (as I won't have any excuse for demands on my time after that).

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when i have friends like that i chuck them. your not lucky to be friends with them, there lucky to be friends with you. you,ll know when you,ve made true friends because they feel like brothers and sisters to you. and no matter what crazy things you do or say there still going to love you as family and wont pass judgement. any person that judges you or uses you as a scapegoat for there humor is a fu*kwit and there memory should be wiped from your brain, also if there mates that dont seem to be bothered they should also be thrown on the scrap heap. friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives find you, and they find you in not so obvious places, so dont try so hard and keep it cool.

Edited by A-S warrior

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I have worked with somebody in our office for over 10 years. I see them as a close friend and have told them this but now I worry that I may have been too quick to say this and she may now take advantage of the situation. My problem is working out if they are a true friend to me. Any advice would be welcome.

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