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Marriage so confusing.

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Hi does any one else have aspergers and are married to a Non AS person. Life gets so confusing, i have givern up with valentines day, for years i have bought flowers ect and been ignored, i might be lucky and get a rushed box of chocs from round the garage. it realy confuses me its nothing like it is on the telly.

Also we have three kids 3,7and 9 so much noise and constantly trying to work out whats expected of me and what i should be doing, always on edge. if your not married i would really not bother its a night mare with no way out.

 

Daniel

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Life is nothing like it is on is telly.

 

Us men, if we don't do anything for valentines there's all hell to pay, if we do, well its just whats expected. Don't expect anything in return, that's not the way it works.

 

I just do what my wife tells me, even then its sometime wrong.

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Marriage is hard for anyone whether you have ASD or not IMO. It is never easy and there are always bound to be breakdown in communication,more so when you got kids. I am not ASD and neither is my current partner,he brought me things for valentines day and I got him nothing. Its not because I don't care,I told him I don't celebrate it because I can tell him anytime how I feel,in fact I love being spontaneous.Also I have three birthdays that need to be catered for in Feb and cannot justify spending money unnecessarily. He still made the chose to get me something.

 

With regards to what is and is not expected of you why not have some sort of a rota? Not just for housework but other things like doing reading/homework with the kids and getting them ready for bed. Even if you do these small thing 2-3 times a week I am sure she will appreciate it. Having been on my own with four kids for three years I would have loved for someone to help me out even once a week!

 

Just communicate as much as possible,when the kids are in bed spend an hour 1:1 either talking about your day or just watching something on telly.

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Why is marriage a nightmare with no way out? Can't problems be solved? And doesn't divorce exist for the very reason of people being able to get out if they want to and their lives are a living misery?

 

And why is marriage confusing? Or do you mean women are confusing? If it's women generally then there's no end of blokes voicing things like "she's never satisfied/happy" "nothing I do is right" "she always wants more" just as you get women complaining "he never helps out" "doesn't listen" "never shows his emotions" :lol:

 

That's why you get books like that men/women are from mars/venus thing (I tried reading it and gave up after chapter 2 because I figured its hard enough to talk to people without starting to worry about how to talk to each sex) :D

 

Sorry for all the questions... :bat:

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I was a bit unfairer on my wife with my previous comments.

We always discus thing and listen to each others point of view.

Then she tells me what to do.

 

(Don tell her I said this, but the secret is to let her think it was her idea to start with and not yours)

 

We were both a bit long in the tooth when we marred, for my wife her second marriage, we were both fairly set in our ways so it took a bit of getting use to, being part of a couple. And I must admit that in some respects we live as two single people sharing the same house.

We do spend most of our free time together. But we also have separate finances, I know a lot of people find it surprising that we don't have a joint bank account.

We get along alright most of the time, as I said, I just do what I'm told and everything is rosy (Most of the time).

 

On a more serious point, my wife had some real tragedy in her early life which she has been unable to share with anyone, not even her parents. Because of the direction we came from, to be together, she was able to share that with me and it has formed a real bond be tween us. When I hear people moaning about their lives, I just think to myself, they don't know how lucky they are.

Edited by chris54

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I am not married but have been with my partner for over 25 years and have a wonderfull 7 year old son. All relationships are about compromise and an AS / NT relationship is no different. I think it takes a very special NT to live with someone with AS as they have to compromise more than most.

 

When we first got together many of my partners friends told her it would never work and she was mad to get together with me. Many years on and we are still together when relationships all around her at work and those of her friends who advised her against me many years ago have disintegrated. I know I bring to the table total commitment to her and honesty in everything I do. I would never dream of having a look at another female never mind having an affair. In this way I think I provide a lot of security in the relationship.

 

On the downside I can't tell white lies which make her feel better, I don't do Valentines day, and at times I might say the wrong thing and upset her, but she understands why this is. For her sake I always try to remove my AS from my behaviour. If I do something wrong and upset her or make life a bit more difficult it is because of my behaviour and as such I have to try and improve it in future. We both know in many cases AS is the contributing factor, but it is not an excuse to fall back on, though it is something which can be easily understood and as a result my mistakes are easily remidied with a 'sorry for tha't and are forgoten.

 

Over the years we have got a lot better at reading each other and she knows that I need my space. The area we are still having to work on is in social situations which she finds a big compromise in her life. I know I have to allow her time to go out with her friends and have a good time otherwise my anxiety in many social situations would mean she would have very little in the way of a life outside work.

 

Life is a roller coaster and in my experience a lot more fun with someone by your side to share the experiences both good and bad. Relationships take work and I know that when my own has got a bit under strain and I look back over a period of a month or so I can easily see that it has been a period where I have been overly selfish and not put the work into our relationship which I should have. One day a year doesn't make a relationship thats why I can't celebrate it as it feels so false and it shouldn't be used as a get out of jail for free card. I know I also don't tell my partner how much I love her frequently enough but when I do I know she understands that I really do and that is what matters most.

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I was a bit unfairer on my wife with my previous comments.

We always discus thing and listen to each others point of view.

Then she tells me what to do.

Everyone's allowed to vent :thumbs: and surely its better to vent elsewhere than to do it at your wife :)

 

(Don tell her I said this, but the secret is to let her think it was her idea to start with and not yours)

Haha my dad says that about my mum behind her back :lol:

 

We were both a bit long in the tooth when we marred, for my wife her second marriage, we were both fairly set in our ways so it took a bit of getting use to, being part of a couple. And I must admit that in some respects we live as two single people sharing the same house.

We do spend most of our free time together. But we also have separate finances, I know a lot of people find it surprising that we don't have a joint bank account.

We get along alright most of the time, as I said, I just do what I'm told and everything is rosy (Most of the time).

 

On a more serious point, my wife had some real tragedy in her early life which she has been unable to share with anyone, not even her parents. Because of the direction we came from, to be together, she was able to share that with me and it has formed a real bond be tween us. When I hear people moaning about their lives, I just think to myself, they don't know how lucky they are.

I think its difficult to share a life with another person, to negotiate that life together and learn to know someone on a deeper level than say work colleagues or acquaintances.

 

It's hard to learn how to communicate and to learn give and take - and even after all this learning, I think people can still get it wrong and friction occurs because of it.

 

I wouldn't worry about the separate finances - it isn't as uncommon as you think - well, not in my family or with my friends as nearly everyone I know (in a relationship/marriage) has a similar set up. Some of them have separate finances for wages and then have a joint account they put equal money into for holidays and bills... I guess that depends on who a person knows ;)

 

I'll tell you one thing for free though - if you were a rubbish husband you wouldn't ever ask for advice, you wouldn't even care or admit you cared, and you wouldn't try to do things to make life more happy. As I see it, the very fact that occasionally you come on here and go "AARGH" about something and talk about stuff etc shows that at the very least your heart is in the right place, and at the most, it shows you care enough to try to find out things you don't know - and that you aren't doing it for a selfish reason, you are doing it for your relationship. (well, that's how you come across). :D

 

I say all that cuz trust me, I've seen enough of my mates/relations over the years sit there moaning about their wife/girlfriend, but only ever blame her, and sometimes, as someone outside, I can see that half the reason they argue with their wife/girlfriend is the total denial of having flaws, when no one's perfect, but admitting short-comings is sometimes a good way to fix things that may need addressing.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

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Wow, that was all a bit heavy !!, sometimes life gets you down and you just need to let off steam. Interesting to know what other people think, The reason i stay in the relationship is that it would comply screw me up if i got devorced it is against my principles i said for better or for worse till death us do part.

Daniel

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Some deep thinking going on here. :unsure:

Just for the record, I am perfectly happy with my life the way it is. Don't want anyone thinking there's anything wrong with my marriage because from where I stand, if fine. :D (At least that's what her indoors tells me :fight: )

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I am married to a NT wife and we are as different from each other as it is possible for two people to be. As the years have passed I have grown to appreciate her extraordinary interpersonal skills. In the beginning I had no idea how important it was to be able to communicate with other people properly. Had I remained single I probably never would have learnt that lesson. I say learnt, but that does not mean I know how to do it. But she does, and as a result I am not completely isolated from the outside world.

 

I haven't a clue how her mind works, and she would probably say the same about me. Yet we get along very well. She knows I am not a romantic, so no flowers or chocolates on Valentine's Day. However, I do empty out the dishwasher and vacuum the carpets, so that probably counts for more (I think).

 

Marriage is interesting. ;)

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I'm married to an NT man, but it's amazing and we complement each other in all sorts of ways.

 

I'm wary of anyone who generalises about AS and NT people, it gets my back up. The same as when people say "All men are..." and "Women like..." because it's all nonsense and stereotypes. Women aren't automatically mysterious. Men aren't automatically straightforward.

 

Relationships take work. I expect much of the time it's to do with who the individuals are and how they interact together than whether or not they're AS or NT. Some of the stupid stuff women say about men is similar to the nasty things people say about people with AS. The same goes for the "Women - you never know what they're thinking" rubbish men say.

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I'm married to a wonderful man. He is NT, and I'm Aspie. He is the most patient, considerate person ever. He might not understand why I have to sit in the same place all the time, or why I often say the wrong things at the wrong times, but he tries to. He is amazing. Sure, we argue. There have even been times when we have come close to splitting up, but we have been through the worst of it, and I feel like we are in it for the long haul.

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I am married to a NT wife and she is the most loving and understandable person I have ever encountered. Although she doesn't like socialising and goes into meltdown like me, she is definately not AS. I think she already knew, but following my recent acquired knowledge (though my research), I told her all my oddities etc were now definately due to AS and it hasn't changed a thing (other than the fact she is happier that I am happier with what I have learnt about myself). I am a nerdy collector and my wife is soooo understanding of my "clutter" (I collect model trains). She knows these are "me".

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I'm wary of anyone who generalises about AS and NT people, it gets my back up. The same as when people say "All men are..." and "Women like..." because it's all nonsense and stereotypes. Women aren't automatically mysterious. Men aren't automatically straightforward.

 

Relationships take work. I expect much of the time it's to do with who the individuals are and how they interact together than whether or not they're AS or NT. Some of the stupid stuff women say about men is similar to the nasty things people say about people with AS. The same goes for the "Women - you never know what they're thinking" rubbish men say.

 

I couldn't agree more! :)

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