On tablet for unrelated thing, affects my Aspergers

[amberzak]

I'm suffering with Trigeminal Neuralgia and the doctors has put me on Amitriptilin (sp). For those who don't know, I am an adult female with Aspergers.

Does anyone know if Amitriptilin can make apergers traits worse? I have found, since being on it, I don't sleep, my obsessions (Maths and Filming) have completely taken over - well, the maths anyway. To the Point where I feel compelled to study my maths constantly none stop all day every day.

 

Someone at Uni commented on my dedication, and I tried to explain to him that it's not dedication, it is obsessive compulsive. I am doing all the work set, even the optional extra stuff, which we have been told no one could possibly do all the work, but so far I have been attempting it. And then I worry when I don't keep up.

 

I'm doing more work that anyone in the class, and I'm top of the class, but I'm still highly anxious about keeping up and doing the work. I have a hospital tomorrow so will be late into class and I'm really anxious about this, even though the teacher knows. And the anxiety levels are going ever higher. My husband took me out today to help me get away from the compulsion to work, and it felt good, but now I feel guilty.

 

My husband says that my aspergers seems to have regressed since being put onto these tablets, and as I said, I am not sleeping at all. I haven't slept properly for about 4 weeks now.

 

Any know what this could be?

 

The course is a post graduate course by the way. And yes, I was obsessive with my degree, and I have had other obsessions, but nothing like this.

[Tally]

I don't know anything about this drug specifically, but it does sound like it's affecting you badly. I think you need to go back to the doctor and tell him how you're feeling, and maybe even take your husband along to explain the differences he is seeing as well (if he can't come maybe he could write a letter).

[Kazzen161]

When I was on this medication as an anti-depressant, I used to take it at night because it used to help me to sleep. I think that is a known side effect, so if you are sleeping less I would ask the doctor.

[trekster]

Amitryptiline caused my depression to come back and haunt me, it also affected my sleep.

When i was put on gabapentin (which i think can help nerve pain) i was much better behaviour and sleepwise.

[amberzak]

Thanks guys

 

I am just feeling so anxious and frustrated all the time since being on these tablets, but the last lot of tablets they gave me I was allergic to. I've been ill for so long...

[trekster]

Hope you manage to find something more suitable soon.

[LancsLad]

No comment about the drug sorry, but have experience of the postgradute university scenario.

 

I think this level of education can be very destructive in my experience. At undergraduate level there are a lot of parameters placed on work, my experience is that as you go up the system these seem to drop and at times excessive work is positivly encouraged.

 

I remember speaking to my GP who explained that as a university medical practice thay had felt the need to interveen with the heads of subjects in my faculty due to the very disproportinate number of mental health issues which were presenting themselves from what was a very small percentage of the universities student numbers. In other words there must have been environmental factors at play.

 

I have always been used to being the best at what I do, if not then that is the position I feel most comfortable in and want to get there, call it compensation if you like, I do. When I entered my postgraduate course I was not too sure if this would be the case. Unfortunatly in some respects I was faced with 30 or so foreign students the vast majority of which were Chinese. The first mistake was the very first piece of work we were set I did my best and more or less got to the peer position I wanted to be in around the top 3 or 5 and this set the tone. In reality when we were set live tasks, say design something in a six hour period and then review it all within the constraints of a normal working day, I was miles ahead of the pack, unfortunatly there was not much of this type of work set. The truth is that many students on my course would be working for about 20 hours a day through fear of failure and having to go back home and face the financial and social consequences. In those first few weeks I placed myself in the peer pecking order and felt I had to maintain my place, even believed I was championing the cause for the minority of British students. What people didnt understand was that I was one of the few on the course who had a family to go back to at weekends.

 

I would ask yourself the question, who is setting the standards and expectations and why? If you are at the top of your course and I doubt that they will all fail in the end then you are going to get a piece of paper which says you have passed. One of the things I really struggle with is in putting a ceiling of self expectation on myself. I am a black and white thinker and so a comment of 'simply try your best' is a very loaded and dangerous comment to make at me, because my best can be quite exceptional. The thing I had had to learn is to re-phrase verbal, cutural and environmental expectations back into my own language, and this is not easy. My experience was that my lecturers best which in reality might only be them on a level 8 (1 to 10 scale), could in certain circumstances be my level 5. The best example was when my tutor gave me some concepts they were working on for a book and asked me to have a look through them. In a day or so I reworked the concepts into what I honestly think is another level and presented them back to them thinking they would be pleased with my efforts, the reality is that it kind of blew our relationship out of the water. I can see why looking back but could not see the massive social mistake I had made. I make this point because sometimes your own standards and abilities need to remain private, in other words splitting up things you do for others and things you do for yourself.

 

I have two toys which have been through college with me in my room and are now in my design office at home. One is of Shrek and one is of Donkey. I am not sure if you have seen the film but I have them to remind me that I need to keep a Shrek voice in my head, and at times have to take responsibility and tell myself "tha't ll do fine Donkey!". At times I am all Donkey, I have my special projects and I will get all excited and totally emersed in them spending all my energy, going on and on an on untill .......... The question is untill what? Someone tell me to stop because they often will not, rather they love to see the outcomes and reflect in the glory. Tell me to stop because I am a partner, they are often not sure because they think everyone on the course works this hard. Tell me to stop because they recognise I am better than them and have nothing to prove, they wont because they will never admit to this. So who does hold the responsibility to tell me to stop and my answer is my Shrek. I do not have the type of ego which goes in for self back slapping. In fact I know I can always do better, that is one of my main strengths, so it was difficult to find the right words."That ll do fine" strike the right balance for me, its good enough for them, it keeps some energy in reserve for me, it acknowledges my abilities, and importantly it recognises where I stand as an individual in ralation to my peers and environment.

 

Amberzak I think you need to ask yourself what do you need to do so that you can tell yourself "that ll do fine"? The only person who can do this is you. We have to learn to set out own ceilings and with it maintain structure in the rooms which compartmentalise our lives. I for one love lying on my back at night and look to the stars and think about the possibilities. But I also understand there is a limit to how far I can go and that is both emotionally, physically as well as intellectually. It does not sound as if you have got this balance right in your life at present. My advice is try and take a big step back and decide for yourself what you feel is reasonable and then put this past your partner for a second opinion. You might have to set artificial limits such as stopping working at a given time which you might not like but ask yourself is doing the work giving you any real pleasure, or is it simply a destructive habbit you are feeding. Re read your own post and there is not one mention of pleasure or enjoyment in that, rather all emotions are negative which shows this is an obsession which needs to be broken. If you do go at half pace you might find out you are still at the top of the group but have more energy to spend on other things. You need to therfore ask yourself what am I trying to prove, to be the best ever to have gone through the department, if so go and ask the lecturers and see if they are that bother if you turn out to be that person. I think the answer will be they are not, but they might be pleased for you if it pleases yourself, and this is where the lie comes through, it does not please yourself. So why are you trying to hurt yourself, because you are through destroying things like sleep patterns?

 

This might all sound hard, but believe me it comes from personal experience. I made the mistake of thinking that going to university to a postgraduate course would help raise my self esteem after a tricky period in my life. What I found was it could not, nobody was going to turn round to me and say,"you know what you are such a great person because you can work at this level", and even if they did, and they might have, it never went in. Failure to find the answers in the university led me to find the answers in myself as a last resort, I had tried counselors, friends, partner you name it before but never had the bottle to look to myself. What university did show me was that I was good, even exceptional in some areas, but to be honest I knew that already. What I also knew was that I was flawed as well and by admiting to this part of me my Shrek and by starting to learn to love the ogre within for what it was warts, smelly breath, green skin, flatulence and all I could make real progress. I also know my Donkey is pretty problematic as well, all energy and lack of self control and importantly low self image but like my ogre his heart is in the right place. Together though they make up a pretty good team, unconventional I give you, but still a pretty good team. But as any team they need to talk to each other and pull in the same direction. The piece that was missing for me was believing that my Shrek should be the voice of leadership in the pair and was in charge over his best mate Donkey.

 

Today when I tell my AS side "that ll do fine" just like Donkey in the films it kicks off for a few moments and protests its abilities. I have to say i know you can do a bit more and have energy to burn, but lets make camp for the night and settle down by the fire. The funny thing is that my AS side then does as its told, it knows my Shrek is in charge because it realises it posseses no self control whatsoever, and it is often more than happy to curl up next to the fire in that Donkey way and snore away. When I put Donkey to bed and I am left with my own personality in a quiet place next to the fire I look at him and really respect his energy and what he is capable of. I know most people don't really understand him but when you have been on as many journeys as we have you get to know each other well. Over the past few years i have come to understand that I am Shrek, and by that I mean Shrek is my personality and physical body. Donkey is my AS, a companion which will not go away no matter how badly I might think of him he is always there and will be. At times I try to walk away from him, or let him walk ahead but I can always hear him singing away to himself in that irritating voice, its what Donkey does. I used to put up with Donkey then I grew to love him, yes he is a pain in social situtaions, but who am I to argue I am an ogre after all.

 

For me understanding myself in these very terms was quite profound and I am note sure if anyone else reading the post will get what I am on about. This understanding came half way through my university course, and I made the decision it was about time that Shrek went into the lectures rather than sending Donkey in all the time. When Donkey went in he only ever listened to what suited him and that was things like when extra work was mentioned he really fancied doing that it sounded exciting but if you asked him what it really involved and why he hadn't the faintest idea. When Shrek went in and heard extra work he though fine but i am at home with the kids this weekend need to give that a miss! Of course Donkey was worried that he would be left behind at university when Shrek went home simply because he had gone a long way to defining himself in that environment. I was clever enough to realise that the compassionate thing was for Shrek to take him home as well and to give him a few Donkey type things to do around the house to keep him distracted as I felt he would be very anxious about what all the other Donkeys would be doing that weekend. When we went back into Uni after a weekend break Donkey would get very anxious at first, what if all the other donkeys had done loads and we were left behind, in these moments I had to say if that leave it to me I am after all an Ogre. I did have a few moments like this when I looked at other students work and even the odd lecturer felt I could have done more, but then I said well you know how it is travelling, family, shopping, life really! The response was always the same, oh yes! By getting the balance right i regained control over my course and with it my health which was more important. This didn't mean i did not work hard I did, but I was in control. In the end I made the hardest decision I have had to make in my university career, I was on line for a 1st class distinction one of the very limited number of students who was. I also knew I was facing an assesment for AS and many said put it off and finish the course first because you really have something special going in respect to grades. I made the concious decision to back off and spend a lot of time focusing on my AS assesment and what it meant and getting the most out of university life in the time I had left because I knew it would soon be over. In doing so I knew I had made the decision to accept a merit and told the lecturing staff this is what I was aiming for and would be happy with. When it came to the end of the year other students got awards as student of the year etc.... I was happy for them and realised if I had been given the award I would have put on a false smile and pretended to be pleased because deep down I expected it of myself. By freely not going for things such as being the best student I found I could be happy for them and this made me happy for myself deep down. I realised that I had got more out of university life than they had and had done so with a smile on my face. In a round about way my period of University was one in which I had learn't a valuable lesson and that is as a Shrek personality I am better being an Ogre than trying to be Prince Charming all the time. Amberzak I havn't the faintest clue as to what fairy tale creature your personality resembles most, but whatever it is I suspect you have a Donkey AS companion which is pulling the strings at the moment and I think you need to recognise who you are and why you are doing things such as your course and then nurture her a bit better rather than letting your Donkey lead the way all the time.

 

Not sure if this makes any sense whatsoever, a few thoughts.

[darkshine]

I got offered this tablet about 2 years ago - the name freaked me out so I of course googled it - didn't like the sound of it so refused it... Having said that, the one I'm taking now has done the opposite - I couldn't help thinking that I could do with some of my obsessional energy and focus because I can't concentrate at all - can't win

 

Go back and see GP - maybe reducing the dose could help reduce the AS symptoms while still helping the initial problem you are taking this pill for.

[trekster]

i agree with darkshine mentionto your GP that theres a problem with your medication.

[amberzak]

My councillor said to stop taking it because he has seen it have terrible effects on people with AS. Just after not taking it for one day and I already feel better. I'm working at my normal obsessive nature, not the compulsive obsessive nature of my working thus far. I actually managed to have a coffee with my husband after University today without feeling the burning need to get my maths work out, and while I am still feeling quite anxious about my work, it's not as bad as it was.

 

LancsLad, I do understand what you are saying. I would say, though, that we are quite different in a lot of ways. I have always been someone who gets joy out of working, and so I am happy to be working most of the day. It's just recently it's gone way beyond my enjoyment level with the compulsive need to continue to work causing me to lose track of entire days, and to not be able to take a break, even when my usual obsession would allow me to.

 

The course isn't your normal post graduate course. It is a course which will lead to teacher training. Because my degree is in English, but I want to teach Maths, I have a compulsory course to do first. Doing well in this course will get me placed in a good school. If I show myself to be an organised, keen person who does the work, I will get a supportive and friendly mentor at my school, something that I feel with my condition I need. I lack confidence. But also, these assignments are designed to later be used as teaching resources. So there is a lot of reasons why they should be the best I can do.

 

I am happy with my usual OCD. It's the extreme OCD I have been experiencing that has been causing problems. And the anxiety from the work load. It is an intensive course by the way. As in, far more intensive than any normal post grad. But it is also structured, which is good.

[butterfly73]

My councillor said to stop taking it because he has seen it have terrible effects on people with AS. Just after not taking it for one day and I already feel better. I'm working at my normal obsessive nature, not the compulsive obsessive nature of my working thus far. I actually managed to have a coffee with my husband after University today without feeling the burning need to get my maths work out, and while I am still feeling quite anxious about my work, it's not as bad as it was.

really glad to hear you're doing better..

Shows you that you can trust your own experience.. and act asap if it doesn't work for you!

 

Uhm, théy might be professionals.. but wé are the experienced folk when it comes to ourselves!!

(Even scientist still think we are unfeeling, have no intuition, no need to interact etc etc.. blegh!!)

 

Confidence wise.. yóu are the ónly one that can tackle that.. your partner can stimulate, but you will have to do the real work!

Write down what you are good at.. and say that to yourself!

Be nice to yourself also!! Treat/pamper yourself.. you deserve it, honestly.. you've worked hard enough..

..and even if things don't go as you'd like.. getting yourself down isn't very constructive.. so be gentle: nó negative thoughts!! rephrase to what you'd like.. positive

you know that thát in itself will be a great gift to yourself!

Most AS folk are very gentle and sensitive people.. though so hard on themselves.. why?!? you're such an nice person, so show yourself the same qualities!

(she wrote..like it's easy; just learning this myself.. but very eager to share for I see the results!! And still need to be gentle for thoughts are patterns too, and dislearning those is difficult for everybody, especially ASpeople..)

 

 

love, B'fly

Edited February 23, 2012 by butterfly73

[trekster]

Amberzak really pleased that being off your medication is helping your AS. Hopefully you can find something else to take that can ease your trigamentrial neutralia (sp?), i've heard anti epilepsy and some anti depressant drugs work well for nerve pain.

 

butterfly73 thanks for such an insipirational post.

[robert7111a]

Amberzak

 

Yes, you'll do well to avoid this drug as it is well known to produce suicidal thoughts and is dangerous for people with bipolar disorder