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Hey everyone, I hope you're well.

 

I'm not too sure where to begin, really. For as long as I can remember I've learned behaviours by studying others in order to fit in. I've always felt slightly 'different' to most other people and I've always felt like I've had to 'dumb down' to fit in, but I just put it down to being a bit 'geekier' than the people I knew. Out of my group of 'friends' I was the most articulate and intelligent, and so being slightly geekier and a bit more socially awkward was judged fairly normal.

My dad is an incredibly erudite man, but a complete disaster, socially. As a child I was perceived as someone who was more articulate than other kids my age, I excelled in English and art, and was above average with maths and science. As a result, my father home-schooled me in addition to my normal schooling as he and my mother were convinced that I was in some way gifted.

Getting back to my 'friends', the situation here was basically as follows - I had one best friend, we both shared the same interests (comics, video-games, music, electronics and science fiction) and sense of humour, he moved to a new area with his parents where he made a bunch of new friends. My parents then moved also, and I met with my friend again. We both ended up living in walking distance from each other.

I found it incredibly difficult to 'get on' with his new friends and if I'm honest I don't think any of them ever really liked me, and I could never understand what my friend saw in most of them. To cut a long story short I basically hung out with my friend and his friends who I 'got on' with, with varying degrees of success. I was petrified as being perceived as someone having no friends, more than any desire to actually be friends with any of them. We just didn't have anything in common, so I basically mentally graded them on levels of kindness, intelligence and open mindedness etc and won them over with humour and kindness. They just accepted that I was a bit 'quieter' than them. A sort of compromise if you like.

I really feel like I'm rambling, here. Sorry. Reading this back I really suprise myself at how heavily in denial I have been.

Anyway, back to schooling etc. It had got to the stage that my parents' insistance in supporting my education that I began to feel suffocated and under severe pressure to perform a high level. My father is quite a domineering presence in mine and my family's life, he is a bully and quite a brutal man and as a result I'm convinced that I had a mental breakdown, and in a distorted way I planned my revenge for being made to study every day including weekends and every school holiday while being beaten and told I was an idiot for getting things wrong. I was being coached with topics many years in advance of my age. For example, at the age of 9 I was being taught maths and physics that would normally be taught to 16 years olds. When I reached 15 and doing my GCSE exams I went to the school hall and drew pictures of Judge Dredd on the answer sheet, left early, walked into town, got an older guy to get me some booze from an Off License and proceeded to get very drunk in a local area known for underrage drinking. I proceeded to do this every exam day. In a twisted way, in my head, I was getting my father back for putting me under such pressure and bullying me.

After my exam failure I left home, got accepted into a catering course that didn't have any exam requirements and when I completed that, I worked as a chef for over 10 years during which time I got into the early Rave scene and drugs. It seemed like a natural progression as I already had a long term interest in electronic music and record collecting.

It was at this stage I met my now ex-girlfriend and abandoned my 'friends' without much thought after we had been together for a year or so. There had been other girls before her, but no-one I connected with as much as she and I did. I'm really trying to get to the point here as I realise I must be boring you senseless.

Last year she had a nervous breakdown and broke up with me after being together for 10 years. After we broke up she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and Aperger's syndrome. She told me she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but neglected to tell me she had Asperger's. She'd obviously sensed that AS carries more of a stigma, than depression.

At this stage I didn't even know what AS was.

A few months later, a friend confided in me that he suspected he had AS and told me of all the possible symptoms. The more I heard and read, the more I felt that I also have AS and suspected that my father also has it to a greater extent.

Recently I had been speaking to my ex girlfriend by email and told her that I suspected that in addition to bipolar disorder, she also had AS. She confirmed this to be the case.

I went to see my GP and told him basically everything I have typed here and his exact words were that he could 'say with a degree of certainty that I am on the Autistic spectrum' and may also suffer anxiety, and referred me to a psychaitrist. I didn't get to speak to the psychaitrist as she sent me a letter to say that she'd spoken to my GP and decided that I should be referred to an Asperger's specialist. This is where I am now, so I thought I'd sign up here and say hello. So... helllo :D

Edited by ZX_SpectrumDisorder

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Welcome to the forum good to have you on board, thanks for the honesty in your opening post, I am looking forwards to your future contributions.

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Hello, I have recently joined this site, the members are welcoming. I used to have one of those(Spectrum) I mean, those rubber keys are a distant memory but a real nightmare.

 

Tom.

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Welcome and enjoy the site.

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