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Luna

Advice on 6 year old son's behaviour

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Hello everyone,

 

Am really hoping to get some advice.

 

Since my son was about 1, I have struggled with his behaviour. He is nearly 7 and I am still struggling.

I really want some advice on whether anyone else has had similar experiences and if people think this is just typical 'child' behaviour or could there be any underlying issues, such as higher functioning Autism or Aspergers (which has been suggested by a couple of people to me).

 

Typical behaviour problems are my son's ability to control his anger and aggression. He has always been a demanding child, requiring a lot of my attention, but as he has got older he has become very rude and disrepectful towards me. He is always answering back, shouting, yelling and even screaming at me. He also tends to lash out when he can't control his emotions and hit, punch or push me.

 

Sometiimes he has complete meltdowns over silly little things, especially if there is a sudden change of plan or he doesn't win a game. In the latter case, he might throw all of the game pieces on the floor, then scream and shout at me uncontrollably for 15 minutes. When I try to ignore the behaviour, he would come up behind me and try to punch me or hit me with an object, such as a chair, stick or toy.

 

I have had support from outside agencies to try to control his behaviour, and small improvements are possibly being made, but every few weeks we end up back at square one.

 

At school, my son is well behaved and very bright academically. However, at EVERY parents evening we have been told: He is lazy, could do better, seems in his own little world, even though he is achieving very well.

 

He is quite sensitive to noise. For years, he could not bear the sound of the hand drier in public toilets, although he is starting to get used to it finally. We have also noticed (and his nursery teacher pointed out) that when places become noisy, it will trigger him to behave in either a hyper or noisy way, making ridiculously loud noises to try to compete with the noise around him. (The hoover is a classic example of this)

 

The school say there is definitely no problem, but they never see the whole picture of what my son is like. I haven't gone down the GP route yet, as I'm pretty sure I will get the same awful response I have had from the school, and other family members don't want me to go down that route.

 

There are probably loads more little things I could add, but this is turning into a very long post.

 

Any suggestions please??

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You clearly have very reasonable concerns about your son's behaviour and from my very ill-informed position it sounds as if there is some significant underlying cause that ought to be investigated - be it a sensory issue or PDD (including ASD) or both.

 

The best way to do that is through your GP. They ought to be supportive and be able to start the referral process that could lead to a diagnosis (although that is a long process). If your GP is not supportive then think about finding another one.

 

This can be a veryd emotional time for you and those around you - we have all been through it and understand how you are feeling. While going to the GP may seem hard, the overwhelming majority of people are very pleased they did. I have never heard anyone say they regretted seeking a diagnosis, or wish they had put it off.

 

If people are advising against going that way then you have to question why - it probably says more about them then it does about your son. You need to be sensitive to there feelings but not to the extent that it gets in the way of doing what is best for your son.

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I guess it is most usefull/advisable to have him seen by a multidisciplined group of people..

usually that means he's tested by one.. observed by others thru a one-way screen.

There might be follow ups, when there are further questions. Ask about how they work.. that gives you both rest :D

 

Why a whole group? They see more than one.. and you could also try my second advise (SI therapist).. which might still lead to a multidicipilairy group eventually.

 

The fact that he acts out at you.. and nót at school.. is very common actually.

First of all.. One ought to behave at school (AS folk are great chameleons/conformists!).. though that means adding stress in his system.. which he releases: at home!!

Secondly.. where do you act most as yourself.. there where you feel móst safe.. with your mome/at home.. Though this is some sort of compliment, the behaviour is deplorable! :C

 

Bé very aware that he = he, and behaviour = behaviour.. He might have been a great boy 90% of the day, and suddenly act out..

Be aware that you mention you dislike the way he ácts! (and you still lóve him despite the horrendous stuff he might do!)

making that difference helps you and him get things in perspective!

 

Discuss these things with him, tell him about the behaviourisms, when you are both calm!

Tell him that you don't like that.. and that you both will try and find a solution.. maybe a trampoline helps him from not hitting you: he needs the sensory input!

Has he ever been seen by an Sensory Input Therapist?! if not.. I'd go asap :D

Probably more worth while than just orthopedic stuff (which is good too, but if the problem isn't tackled.. the behaviourisms will need a way to vent anyhow!)

And... it might even be helpful to let hím think of solutions.. what would you like to do when you get home: what do you need..

he might need to get rid of the overload of stimuli.. in a dark room/no stimuli whatsoever.. or actually really intens stimuli: like jumping and carrying heavy stuff!

 

You don't need a diagnosis for this kinda therapy, though you need a prescription form your GP!

With any question about behavioural issues, which no-one can put it's finger on, my experience (which is extensive, I've seen thousands of 5-6yrs old, while screening them for years.. and I always noticed the odd-ones-out.. and believe me, teacher keep info behind.. just to try me out ;-) )--> try an SI therapist, stat!

And all they do in such therapy, after the assesment and tests... is play and have fun :D (or at least that is what it looks like.. they look what input your kid needs, and which inputs need to be dempend). And they're great in giveing advise on certain situations at home.. be open and ask ;-)

 

And school.. uhm, might not be challenging him enough, or giving him projects his motor skills aren't up too.. if he is an AS kid, and bright.. they have great ways to get around doing stuff they dislike! And they really dó know what they can and cannot do well.. they wanna do well.. and dislike doing stuff their not good at. Things they know for ages: they don't like to do that either.. so lazy might not be quite the right word..

And they have great ways of distracting they're audience.. and get away with needing to do certain work! (like getting a tantrum.. you wanna be abgry, fine.. do it in your room! Come back if you wanna be serious, I'll take you serious than too! ....and... dó that! Forget once and loose his faith instantly! Parents aren't supposed to lie..)

And SI therapist can help with that too and give advice..

 

How is his eye-hand coordination? His pengrip?! Gymnastics.. If he scores poorly for his age.. great way to get a prescription to the SI-therapist.. and there you mention your other concerns ;-)

PM me otherwise when you have more questions :D

 

Love,B'fly

Edited by butterfly73

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Hi you describe my son when he was 6 yrs old hes now 11 and tbh we have the same melt downs now over roughly the same things. noise no patience. attention. plus alot more now. he was reffered to camhs but i have found them to be useless and unwilling to help as they try to blame bad parenting which is rubbish my son is my world and all i want is for him to feel good about himself and not want to hurt people and himself. Feel free to add me as a friend huni i hope you get this sorted. Kepp going to your gp till someone listens huni he needs proper help to learn to control his violence and emotions. xx BIG HUGS xx

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I understand your concerns about gp but for both your sakes you need to find an answer and hopefully some support. They can refer u for assessment as can school but school may not see everything so doctor better to give them full story. U might not like idea of it but if u don't then your never gonna accept that there is a problem .

I refused to do it, I wouldn't accept suggestions of problems at first, this could have made things much worse than thy might have been, although school refused too. Had everything happened faster we might be in a better position now and had a more settled two years. Hindsight eh...! :)

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Thanks everyone,

 

I am currently keeing a diary of evidence so that I have something concrete to go to the GP with. Am still feeling aprehensive about it but think I will probably end up there soon enough.

I certainly regretted going to the school for the help as it completely backfired on me. Luckily it doesn't seem to have affected my son so that is the main thing to hold onto.

The trouble is, when my son has a good week, I start feeling guilty and thinking there can't be a problem and it is just me. The school told me I am looking for something that isn't there and the experience I have had with them makes me doubt myself even more.

 

There is also ADHD in my husband's side of the family so have always thought there could be an element of that with my son too. The more I read on different subjects, the more confused I become, as no description fits my son that well.

 

Thanks again

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Luna,

 

Nobody knows your son as well as you, or sees his behaviour as a whole in the way you do; and it is only when you consider his behaviour as a whole that anyone can understand him fully.

 

All of us here have gone through the same process you are going through and know just how difficult it can be. Initially you are likely to be told that there is nothing wrong by pretty much everyone (family, friends, school, GP..) until you get to see someone who is experienced with dealing with children like your son, and they should react much more positively. In our case it was the paediatrician he was referred to for a related problem who just looked at him and immediately recognised signs of AS and referred him to CAMHS.

 

There is another route you can take - and that is to get an assessment from a private Educational Psychologist. They can't give a diagnosis but they can do a range of tests that can give you a great insight into your son's strengths and weaknesses. Even though we got a CAMHS diagnosis it was of less use than we might have hoped as it didn't come with anything in the way of advice and support. You need to go to the next level down to understand his specific issues to know how best to help him.

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