Struggeling to find friends

[jlineton]

The friendship that never was

A cautionary tale from an Aspersers sufferer who knows not how to make friends

 

This tale starts some 6 months ago. Myself an autistic mature student set of on a course at a far away university where I had only briefly been before and where I new nobody. It was always going to be a challenge, as an auspie, a dyslexic and much more, to make new friends and deal with the social aspects of being at campus university far away from family and what few friends I had back home. But I was determined that I wanted to do this adventure, both the course and the adventure of going away from home and coping.

 

The course began predictable, but, strangely at this campus there was no bar, no students union building. This is not a UK university so cultural differences are present and will be an aspect of all this. But they in my opinion do not account for any of the events to come.

 

So there were a fair number op people on the course, and a fair bit of small talk. Soon some characters emerged. There was a German who, a Chinese girl or 2 and some Scandinavians. But the person who drew my attention was a Greek woman. She like me was slightly older than the rest. After a month or so of going to lectures and just seeing faces and there being no organised or obvious social activity, I decided to make some small talk with her. She was fairly easy to talk to at first, but, a bit off the wall at times. Anyway we decided to go and study together with another student on day and talking on the way to the library after a class she disclosed that she was dyslexic. I told her that I was too and felt some connection with her. We studied for ½ and hour when one of her friends came up and spoke to her she then disappeared off saying she would be back. I continued to study with the other student until lunch when I had to go and eat. The other student said that she would be there when I cam back, so off to lunch I went. I saw the Greek woman on the way out and said I would be back in an hour. When I cam back neither of them were there. This was not a good sign, but, I did not think too much of it. We meet another few times and I asked her how her weekend had been when I saw her next and practiced making this small talk stuff. In the course of our meetings she began to disclose more and more about herself. It seemed we had a lot in common especially along the communication spectrum disorder. Amongst other things she gave a number of classic indicators of someone on the spectrum. Poor sleeping patterns, misunderstanding words (compounded by the fact that English was her second language), and being easily distracted, others too. But we continued to meet on and off to study, but, never more than that. Also she had a habit of arranging to meet, but, then coming late or not coming as all because she was either too tired or sometimes it was her period. Xmas came and we were working together on a project assignment we spend quite a lot of time together on this and I thought we were forming a friendship. We both went to the department’s xmas party and when we came to leave and say good bye she gave me a friendly hug and I thought we had some good friendship as women do not usually give hugs to people they do not feel that close to.

 

We both went home over xmas and we chatted a lot initially on skype and facebook to complete the assignment. Our communication as time had gone became more and more personal and informal as you would expect in a friend ship. So this for me at the time was some kind of success. I had managed to make a friend despite all the communications problems latent in being high on the ASC spectrum, something I have always struggled with. But as you guessed things did not work out well.

 

We continued to meet to study as we both had to re-sit one really hard course. But I found it increasingly hard to keep up and she was not so understanding of this and began to get a bit frustrated. She was also not able enough with the course material to help me over the stumbling blocks that I had encountered. These meetings continued through January and February. I also meet to help here with the assignment she had submitted of a computer course and had been told to re-do. She would not have been able to get through it without me, for sure. We also had to work together on new assignments and our meetings became increasingly fractious.

 

She also told me one time that she was going to have a dinner party. I asked if I could come. She said yes, but, I get the impression that she would not have invited me without me asking. The dinner party went of without incident, but, at then end she decided that she wanted to arrange a flat party. She invited everyone on facebook to her party. I was not that keen but came anyway. The flat party was a bit of a flop as not so many people came along. But for me it did have a purpose as I was able to talk and meet other students and practice social skills. This was true of the dinner party too. About an hour into the party she disappeared with her friend. The rest of the people at the party continued and noticed that the 2 of them had disappeared about 2hrs latter. The party broke up fairly early for a party as it was obvious it was not a success. But at least I had practiced some social skills so it was not that bad. The next time I saw here I asked her what had happened to her and it turned out that she had found the party boring (her party) and decided to sneak of to the nightclub where she could party. I did not say anything but thought that this was a bit rude and selfish.

 

Our study meetings continued despite becoming increasingly difficult. The tension seemed to be around the fact that she just wanted to get through these and tick the boxes rather then follow them through properly and understand them. She/We ended up getting a copy of a completed assignment from one of the 2^nd year students which had mostly the same questions and copying the answers. She began to get fed up with me wanting to do things slowly and methodically and our meetings began to get very argumentative. Despite this we continued to meet and she continued to self disclose to a point. I tried to ask her out socially, not on a date, but just to go for a pizza or something after an exam say for example when you were too tired to cook. But none of these were ever taken up. And it seemed that she had an active social life organising many dinner parties and so forth. So I concluded that she did not want me to be part of her social circle and social life. I was a bit disappointed by this, but, thought that if that is how she feels then there is not point in trying to be where I was not wanted. We needed to continue to meet however to get further assignments done and she continued the friendly disclosure tempered by arguments about how we should approach them and whether we should do the minimum necessary.

 

Looking back, there was some strange psychology going on her I still do not understand. She would ask me if it was ok to go and have a cigarette. I always said it is ok, but, eventually found this so strange that I said to her that “You are a free woman you do not need my permission”. Perhaps it was lost in translation or differences in social etiquette, I guess I will never know. But she then for some reason decided to clam up on the self disclosure and started being very vague about what she was doing, when before she was quite open. She at one point accused me of being controlling and I observed signs that she felt uncomfortable meetings. She never said so so explicitly however. I became increasingly aware that this was not what I had hopped for in any way from the friendship. I pointed out to her at one point that we were arguing like an old couple and she said that she thought the thing that had brought us together was no longer present. So a further scale back of expectations. The meetings continued into March. Then we were in a lab one day shortly before a re-sit examination. Another student gave her some model answers which she was going to photocopy. I asked her to do an extra copy for me, but, she said it would be a lot of money, so I said I will give her the money, but, she said it would take too long to get the money added to her printing account (it would have taken no longer than 15 mins max). She also became increasingly fractious in the lesson which almost developed into a full blown argument which made me upset. At the end she wanted to know when we would meet next (to finish the latest assignment), I said I wanted to look at the solutions and she said something about that “she was making her position clear”. Well this really made me snap. Friends do not make their position clear to one another. I said she was being selfish. The student who lent her he model answers clearly felt this was a row happening in front of her and distanced herself from the both of us and told her that she could return the answers when she was finished, negating the need for her to have photocopies and leaving me out on a limb. I tried calming her and touched her – she is generally a very touchy person – and she nearly bit my head off “ do not touch me” she said in an angry voice. Then I went home. I was furious at her behaviour. I thought that if she could not be bothered to spend 15 minutes putting some money on here account then that was not a friend at all. (she has loads of money on her account and it would have only been to repay the cost of the extra copies and not stopping her doing the copying there and then). So I was really up set that weekend, but, began to come to terms with things.

 

There is flu going around at the moment and I got a text from her saying she was not well “so we cannot meet” to do this latest assignment. I decided not to reply as I was not looking forward to meeting her. I also fell ill myself and was not well. We had another lesson which we both went to but I was purposefully distant and calm. I really did not want to give her a bit of my mind there and then in front of everyone else. So I just said I was not well when she said you do not seem yourself. She asked me when we were going to meet to finish the assignment. I said that it would have to be the next day as I was not up to it. We had a lesson the next morning, but, she did not attend. Then a text arrived asking when we were going to meet. After the lesson I went to see the person assessing the assignment and asked for a extension by way of illness and dyslexia. Then just when I got home she was calling my mobile. I decided not to answer. I sent here an exceptionally polite and clear message saying that I had arranged an extension. She sent me a message back saying that she was concerned about me which made me laugh. Today I saw her in a lab session and she again said I was not acting normally and asked if something is wrong and being overtly friendly, she also tried to touch me on the arm and said “is there something else wrong” I took my arm away very quick and just said I was ill and not up to my normal self as again I did not want to have an argument in the lab in front of the class. I think she got the message and left the lab early. I really do not think it sensible to have a shouting session with her, but I do feel really angry and upset.

 

Perhaps it is just me and perhaps this is all an uninteresting and unimportant storm in a tea cup and I need to get real or something, but, I am feel really up set and rejected by all this. It has undermined my confidence lately. So what am to make of this. I feel manipulated and exploited. My achievement has fallen apart on unsound foundations and it is back to being a lonely auspie jonnie no mates. Will someone please tell me what I have to do to make real friends and how to avoid such grief. I feel so stupid.

[trekster]

i dont understand why you have been copying answers from another student as that is plagarism/cheating?

 

Sounds like you both have difficulties knowing when to walk away, knowing what cheating is and how to avoid it and communicating with each other. I'm surprised the tutor of the class didn't step in and ask if there was a problem.

 

Is there a student welfare, disabilities officer or someone similar at your university that you could speak to about your lonliness?

 

When i 1st went to university i was also terribly lonely, i joined a few online email groups connected to autism and university and felt more at home there than IRL. I recently found out that my old university Bath Spa has set up it's own Asperger society. Recently the NAS decided not to fund someone to run the bath pub group so i took over and made it into a bath pub and cinema group. We have students and non students alike meeting up and enjoying each others company.

 

Does your university have some sort of disabled students society? If not is there someone who is willing to set one up?

If you dont think you are likely to pass this year that could give you an opportunity to move Universities or retake your work.

 

Good luck with trying to find a better environment

[Tanya52]

Hi, nice to meet you.

I’m so sorry that you feel this way. Please don’ t feel stupid, you aren’t . I understand how difficult it is. Try to think about it in a positive pragmatic way that you’ve given an important life lesson. You said that you feel used and manipulated.

 

Once I felt this way about my best and only friend. I was so happy to have her as a friend that had chosen to ignore many quite obvious signals that she’s a bit predatory. She came uninvited to stay with me for a week in a flat, which I shared with my flatmate. After she left, my flatmate found out that some of her stuff was stolen. I was devastated because I was a student with a very modest income. It was a big deal for me to find the money to repay my flatmate for her stolen stuff. But I had to do it because it was my responsibility. So, I’ve learnt my lesson too and it wasn’t nice or pretty.

Edited March 18, 2012 by Tanya52

[Tally]

When you know you have social difficulties, it's easy to fall into the trap of assuming that everything that goes wrong is your own fault. This woman sounds very odd. It's extremely unusual for a woman to discuss her menstrual cycle early on in a friendship, and to use it as an excuse for lateness simply does not make sense. I don't think you are the one causing the problem here, and she seems to be the one reacting and starting rows in public. I would just remain cool with her, you don't need to explain yourself to her, and just try to keep calm in public - let her blow up if shd wants, her behaviour is not your problem.

 

I'm sorry this friendship has not worked out. That's always upsetting because you get your hopes up and that only makes it more of a disappointment. But holding your head up and not blowing up in public is the best way to show people you're not the unreasonable one and give you the best chance of making somd new friends.

[SidiousUK]

That sounds just like a chapter in my own life.

 

Unlike me, you sound like a socialable person (I shun the carbon based lifeform at all costs)

 

If it is any help (and at the risk if generalising) people from Mediterian are known for being tempremental espically the females.

just be you and I would agree with Tally when she says to keep your cool.

 

Once you let someone know which buttons to press to get a raction they will keep on pressing them.

 

Good luck

 

SidiousUK

[Aeolienne]

The course began predictably, but strangely at this campus there was no bar, no students' union building. This is not a UK university so cultural differences are present and will be an aspect of all this.

Was it Stockholm University, by any chance?

[jlineton]

Was it Stockholm University, by any chance?

Why do you ask. Strange, it was not right country though.

[Aeolienne]

Why do you ask? Strange, it was not; right country though.

I had a nightmarish experience as an Erasmus student at Stockholm, as mentioned elsewhere on this forum (elsewhere"]http://www.asd-forum...16781]). Allegedly Stockholm had masses of clubs and societies to join, but finding out about them was another matter altogether. There were none of the services that I as a (spoilt? overprivileged?) student from a British university took for granted. That is, no freshers' fair, no societies handbook - but worst of all was the attitude displayed by many of the Swedish students. "Yes, Stockholm is a boring university in a boring city. You should have gone to Uppsala."

Edited April 3, 2012 by Aeolienne

[jlineton]

hmmm.. You seem to have a hard time there. I am finding similiar things. I am a little supprised you had to attend lectures in Swedish, that is unusual for eurasmus. we have Erasmus students here and they attend lectures in English. Fortunatly my program is all in English. I do find there is a whole scale absence of process in Swedish life and I think that is reflected in your experience. Also much of the support is throgu the ESN (European Students Network). There was a small introduction event at my school but I missed it. There is much less a social focus than at british universities. I think it comes down to Sweden being a much less diverse and more conformist society. This means than in general things are assumed and unstated and culturally embeded. This causes problems for outsiders, whether that is people with disabilities like ours or foreigners. There is a similiar lack of support, but, I am pushing them to set up a autism support group.

Edited April 4, 2012 by jlineton

[Aeolienne]

hmmm.. You seem to have a hard time there. I am finding similiar things. I am a little surprised you had to attend lectures in Swedish, that is unusual for Erasmus.

My experience took place in the mid-90s, when Stockholm Uni was relatively new to the Erasmus bandwagon. I did subsequently find out that most of the other foreign students there attended courses in English, which was why the Swedish language instruction provided was only basic-level. Unfortunately my so-called Erasmus supervisor (who spent most of the semester in Helsinki) knew nothing of this - he just assumed that whatever language instruction I would receive would be intended to make me fluent. Later on I gave a report of my experience to my MEP, who remarked that under the terms of the Erasmus scheme (as it was then) it was to be expected, even insisted upon, that instruction should be in one of the official languages of the host country. Go figure...

 

There is much less a social focus than at British universities. I think it comes down to Sweden being a much less diverse and more conformist society. This means than in general things are assumed and unstated and culturally embedded. This causes problems for outsiders, whether that is people with disabilities like ours or foreigners. There is a similiar lack of support, but, I am pushing them to set up a autism support group.

How ironic it is that I've heard Sweden cited as some kind of Aspie heaven!

Edited April 6, 2012 by Aeolienne

[jlineton]

My experience took place in the mid-90s, when Stockholm Uni was relatively new to the Erasmus bandwagon. I did subsequently find out that most of the other foreign students there attended courses in English, which was why the Swedish language instruction provided was only basic-level. Unfortunately my so-called Erasmus supervisor (who spent most of the semester in Helsinki) knew nothing of this - he just assumed that whatever language instruction I would receive would be intended to make me fluent. Later on I gave a report of my experience to my MEP, who remarked that under the terms of the Erasmus scheme (as it was then) it was to be expected, even insisted upon, that instruction should be in one of the official languages of the host country. Go figure...

 

 

How ironic it is that I've heard Sweden cited as some kind of Aspie heaven!

Where have you heard this and by whom. There is a bit of auspie in the quiet scandanavian character, and this applies as much to Norway and Finland where I have travelled extensiivly. And also people tend to be quite direct, another auspie characteristic. But that is also too much of a simplification. There is probably at least as much reliance on the things we are weak at here. I think that being reserved and quite is more acceptable, but, that does not imply that those people get on well, not does it perhaps imply that they are auspie. From what I understand people are very reliant on school friendships here which endure for life. This is not so diffrent from the UK. That makes them less intrested on new people or friendships. But a disco/nite club here is as non-auspie place as any one in the UK or else where.

 

It would be interesting if you elaborated why you thought this was some kind of Auspie heven.

Edited April 9, 2012 by jlineton

[Aeolienne]

Where have you heard this and by whom? There is a bit of auspie in the quiet Scandanavian character, and this applies as much to Norway and Finland where I have travelled extensively. And also people tend to be quite direct, another auspie characteristic. But that is also too much of a simplification. There is probably at least as much reliance on the things we are weak at here. I think that being reserved and quiet is more acceptable, but, that does not imply that those people get on well, not does it perhaps imply that they are auspie. From what I understand people are very reliant on school friendships here which endure for life. This is not so different from the UK. That makes them less interested in new people or friendships. But a disco/nite club here is as non-auspie place as any one in the UK or elsewhere.

 

It would be interesting if you elaborated why you thought this was some kind of Auspie heaven.

It wasn't something I thought at the time (but then I hadn't heard of Asperger's then). It's something that I've heard said by other people, e.g. to quote a Swedish member of Aspies For Freedom (emphasis mine):

 

I certainly feel lucky living in Sweden.

I haven't seen an article in mainstream media about autism/Asperger that doesn't underline the positives. All articles about autistics' problems focus on discrimination and lack of support, I haven't seen the word cure once.

To stop bullying and to individualise education are considered the 2 main goals of the school system.

 

Social skill isn't as expected as it seems to be anywhere else I've been, mild AS is actually somewhat of the Swedish identity.

 

I'm not sure whether it would be true to say we Brits rely as heavily on school friendships as do our European neighbours. Bear in mind that traditionally it has been the norm for British students to move away from home to go to university (although that is changing with the introduction of tuition fees). I get the impression, from having heard accounts of other British students on Erasmus exchanges, that our continental counterparts are more likely to remain in their home town. I have heard tell of Erasmus students being housed in halls of residences which are populated entirely by other foreign students where, unsurprisingly, the lingua franca is English, not the language of the host country which was supposed to be the whole point of the exchange.