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Fluffy

Quitting Job and Career - What now?

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I have high functioning autism and presently work in a well-paid engineering/construction job where I am really struggling with office politics. My whole team disrespects me because of my poor social skills and I’m feeling incredibly depressed because of this and feel I have no choice but to resign. I am also seriously considering giving up my career because I know I could take up a similar job but will sure enough experience the same abuse and again be forced to resign.

 

I wonder if there are others on the spectrum here who decided to give up their career and how they feel about things now?

 

I know whatever I do it’s not going to pay as much as my current job, where I earn about £60k/yr. I’m thinking about jobs that don’t rely so much on social skills, such as a cab/train/lorry driver or even home based online work, which would be ideal. I'm even considering online trading.

 

I realise it might seem like a big step backwards but the money doesn’t compensate for the depression. I have been suffering depression for a long time and it has progressively gotten worse the last 4 years I’ve been with the company. My depression was bad even before at my previous jobs and when at University and school where I was bullied. I was also treated horribly by my family who I now live apart from. I have no friends.

 

I am feeling depressed about what the future holds, but it must be better than how I feel right now. If things don’t work out job wise, plan B is to move to another country where living costs aren’t so high and spend my savings of which I have close to £80k. I could probably survive on that for 7 years and live OK. I don’t spend much and I have no plans to get married and have children.

 

The other thing I’m factoring into my decision making process is that I’m not sure I’m going to live long. My family has a history of heart problems and I’m experiencing problems now and I’m not even 30. On top of that I also have ADHD-PI and severe psoriasis (on my face and all my body).

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Hi Fluffy,

 

I have made the decision not to go into employment for the time being. I am a retired teacher and have a pension that I can live off when combined with my partners income. I am also qualified as a Landscape Architect and a Garden Designer as well as holding some coaching qualifications so have a number of opportunities open to me if I chose to return into paid employment.

 

I am currently 46 years of age. In my twenties I had opportunities to pursue a number of things such as climbing in the Himalayas, I had a peak permit and everything in place but decided not to go when one of the individuals I would have been climbing with suffered a very bad accident whilst training in Scotland and was as a result hospitalised for around 10 months. Another interest at that time was Triathlon and I was a director of retail and design bussiness. Whilst I was active running the bussiness alongside my main job took up all my time as a result I didn't fulfill my ambition of competitively racing at Ironman level in the sport. It is not doing things such as this that i regreted when I was working and earning reasonable money but had little in the way of spare time.

 

I reached the point a couple of years ago when I sat down and thought will going into work as a Landscape Architect, commuting for 3 hours a day be a positive step forwards in my life. I have achieved a lot in the past but had regrets about not achieving some of my life goals. At that point I decided to commit to achieving my dream of competing at the Ironman World Championships in Hawaii. To do so requires that I need to get to a standard of completing at qualifying race in sub 10 hours a very big ask, if I have a chance. I started off this plan weighing 115kg and being very unfit and clinically obese. The important point I want to make is that I put very strict targets on where I need to be year on year. If I do not reach them then in my mind I am either not capable off or am not prepared to work hard enough to do what it takes. If this happens then it is only fair on my family who are making sacrifices as I could be out earning money that I seriously reconsider my position.

 

Whilst when I am fully fit I train for around 20 to 25 hours a week, this does leave me with spare time. In this time I am able to work on design projects, details on my profile page, the sort of thing I would not be able to do in a conventional design office environment. This makes me feel positive that I am working in highly ethical areas and being forwards thinking in using my abilities rather than simply exchanging them for money where someone else sets the context.

 

The point I want to reinforce is that this move for me is a very positive thing. It has mean't that I can structure a lifestyle around my strengths and as such it has led to a higher quality of life for sure. I am not passing judgement here but I am not running away from a traditional work option because I can't cope. The reality is that on a breakthrough training day my workload is very hard and one most people would not do even if you paid them handsomly. I think giving up on work and restructuring your lifestyle can be a really positive move but it requires an enormous amount of self discipline. Fluffy in your position and given you have some savings I would seriously think about trialing this new lifestyle as much as you can before taking the jump into it. Take some holidays and go and live for a short time where you intend to settle and simply do routine things rather than treat it as a holiday experience. I would say treat your weekends as you would a Tuesday and Wednesday for example as if you have retired.

 

If you decide to take this step there is in my experience a big psychological aspect to not working in traditional ways and you need to make sure you find a replacement strategy in supporting your self esteem for example. One day you might be an engineer who earns 60k the next day you are in effect unemployed and that is a big mental step to take. The decision for me has been very positive because that is how I felt about the whole situation from the begining. I still have a lot of targets in my life and as a result have responsibilities. I think you need to understand yourself well and what makes you tick and ensure you can cope in any new environment. At 7:30 each morning my partner and son leave the house to return at about 6:00 each evening. It would be very easy to lie in bed, watch daytime TV and be generally unproductive in this time, this might even be appealing for a short time. The reality is they both have productive lives and so should I. That needs discipline, focus and drive, but with those elements in place it can be a very fullfilling experience.

 

Just a few thoughts.

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I had to quit work initially due to depression - this backwards slide quickly turned into a backwards landslide, because I wasn't running away from work, I was trying to run away from me.

 

LancsLad makes some very good points about focus and discipline and I would 100% agree, without this you could quite easiy end up stuck in a negative cycle of depression, low self-esteem (from quitting initially then other stuff can add to it), loss of motivation can then occur and so on.

 

I would be very wary about why I was planning a whole life change like that - and it would be crucial to know what I was going to do - and more importantly - how to do it.

 

I suffer from depression still, and I often find this makes me seem weak in some environments, and in those environments I quickly become sidelined or I become bait. So if I was in your situation, I'd be interested in dealing with the problems. Is the depression there anyway or is it from work? Were you depressed before that job or has the job made you depressed? If you love the job and its the people who have made you depressed - why? What could you do to not be put into the position you are now in?

 

Questions like that help me to work out why I'm doing things. I don't like quitting and I don't like running away, so if it were me, I'd see what things are my things, and what things come from the workplace. Then I'd work out what I can change, if that were realistic I'd try and change it. Then, when I almost certainly know I can do no more and only then, would I quit. Because I've learnt from my own mistakes - quitting makes me feel like hell, and running away doesn't work as I'm running from me and I'm always there :lol:

 

If none of this applies, then yeah, if its a positive step I'd go for it, while bearing in mind a lot of the points LancsLad makes about keeping focused on why you are doing it and not losing that focus.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

Edited by darkshine

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I cant say that I have ever suffered from depression. Been depressed but that's not the same thing.

The change in employment status was forced upon my when duo to central government policy I was made redundant.

I then spent 20 years self employed doing all sorts of things, from building maintenance to childcare. Often at the same time. I have not made a fortune and will be relying on the benefit system in retirement. But I spent them 20 Years doing what I wanted to do.

I have for the last 3 years worked as a night support worked (On not much more than minimum wage)(Relying on benefits to make up my income). I still hanker for the freedom that self employment gave me. (But feel I need the security as I have a son who is reliant on my)

 

For many being in employment gives them a reason, a purpose, a focus. There job is their life. When that is taken away, they struggle.

 

I can only say from my own point of view, if I was in a job I didn't like, and had the meant to survive financially I would not stay in that job.

 

But Fluffy, What would be your long term options. I myself would get by, always have, one way or another, but then I'm an optimist. Which if your launching yourself out into the unknown helps.

 

 

PS, I dont see myself ever as having had a career, what I had is a series of jobs.

Edited by chris54

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I have flitted from one thing to another over the years, been unable to settle and get comfortable. Office politics are awful and make me seriously depressed and I struggle to cope. After 4 years working from home I have returned to Uni as a student nurse which involves 50% of my time in work placement. I still cannot cope socially but I can to a certain extend ignore office politics except when negative aspects are directed right at me. I have decided after my last placement I am not going to allow someone else and their pettiness to dictate how I live my life. I am lucky in I have a very clear goal - to qualify as a nurse with the best results I can then to train as a midwife. That keeps me going in the dark times.

 

I would recommend not just jacking it all in right away but to take a break (did someone mention holidays? :D ) and reassess what you want from life. There will always be people that want to rain on your party and only you can find the right coping strategy for you. I would say that although you have a good paying job that it doesn't seem to fulfil you and that I think is key. You don't have a wife/children and your job is not something you are for greatly. I do truly believe everyone needs something in their live (does not have to be a family or a job it can be as simple as an enjoyable hobby) otherwise it's not living it's just existing. Think about how you want to LIVE not to exist. But on a sensible note of caution, sometimes the things we want to live and experience can be expensive so you need to balance them with the crappy need to earn a living. That does not work for everyone but that's the focus I use too, I can put up with somethings I hate if it gets me something I love. If jacking it all in is the right choice for you then go for it! Hell even if it isn't then it's your right to make that call too - you'll never know til you try and all the good advice and bad advice on the planet is just that, advice and opinions. Live your life for you!

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Hi Fluffy

 

Why not ask your employer if they can make reasonable adjustments to your job so that you have less carbon based lifeform interaction.

 

If you have a diagnosis they may be obliged to by law - Can someone confirm this please?

 

SidiousUK

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I would advise you not to quit right now.

 

If you are suffering from depression, you may need some time off work, and some treatment for that.

 

Whilst employed you are covered for sick pay, which you would not get if you quit.

 

And if you quit you are not entitled to any benefits for about 6 months.

 

Being employed means that you have certain employee rights.

 

I would advise that you get in touch with citizens advice, and ask them for advice about the Disability and Equalities Act and how that relates to your diagnosis [are you diagnosed with Aspergers or depression?].

 

Under this Act, any physical or mental difficulty that is more than 12 months old means that you would be regarded as having a disability.

 

I know being termed "disabled" is not nice, but sometimes you just have to work with the relevent laws that are in place at the time.

 

Both Aspergers and Depression would fit the criteria of a disorder that has lasted, or could last, more than 12 months.

 

If your employer is informed, by you, in writing that you consider themselves to be disabled, and you have evidence of that ie. your diagnosis. Then you can ask your employer for reasonable adjustments.

 

I think it would be helpful to discuss with someone what those reasonable adjustments might be that would make your workplace a better environment for you.

 

It might be that the office is given an overview of what Aspergers is and how it can affect people.

 

It maybe that the office staff are reminded of the firms policy towards bullying.

 

It may mean that someone within the office is appointed as a kind of mentor who is a first point of contact for you to talk through any concerns you have.

 

It really can be quite flexible and individual to your needs.

 

We are going through this process currently with my brother who has mental health issues and also physical problems that need reasonable adjustments.

 

In our city there is an organisation that we could contact, and my brother is receiving help and support to do this, including having someone to go with him to any meetings as well as help drafting letters to his employer.

 

If you cannot find anyone to help you via the Aspergers route, there maybe someone via the charity MIND, or any other local organisation CAB can give you info on.

 

His GP has supported him in writing a letter to be handed to his employer in which he states that my brother should not be requested to work additional hours or work night shifts due to his mental health history as this would put additonal stress onto him when he is only just managing his condition under his typical working hours and duties.

 

If you are a good employee your employer will not want to lose you. And they have duties to you as an employee.

 

If, after looking into that, and also having visited your GP to see if you may need some medication for depression, you are still of the opinion that the current job is not for you [even if adjustments were made], then start to look around for something different.

 

Or you could take some time out. But remember that you may need to explain this gap in your CV to any future employer.

 

You also say you have no friends. Is that something you want to improve? Do you have a hobby or interest that has a club you could go to. Have you considered volunteering for something? Tourist information centres can sometimes have alot of useful information in them eg. walking clubs etc.

Edited by Sally44

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I ask for my hours at work to be adjusted to fit in better with my home life. The first reaction from HR was NO.

My line manager then advised my on filling out the relavent form and pushed it through. It seemed that as I have a disabled dependant (2 actually) the company's own policies meant that they had no option than to comply with what I had asked for. They had no ground to refuse.

 

Point I'm making, it might be worth looking through the company's policies and procedure to see what that has to say.

 

Could you switch to home working.

Back in the old days, before the Internet and all that, my cousin when she become pregnant, because of traveling she decided to give up her job. The company were so desperate to keep her that they arranged that a courier would deliver work to her each day so she could work from home.

 

My niece recently had a baby, she is the manager of her department, she was allowed to set her own hours to fit in with her older child who is at school and was allowed to bring her new baby into work (The staff all take it in turns to look after the baby)(one of them is a photo nut so she has hundreds of photots of the now toddler playing in her office), they need her that much for the smooth running of the company.

 

Just to examples of what companies will do if they realy want to.

Edited by chris54

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Thanks to all who responded – the posts are great.

 

You made some good points Lancslad, especially the following quotes "make sure you find a replacement strategy in supporting your self esteem" & "I think you need to understand yourself well and what makes you tick and ensure you can cope in any new environment".

 

My self esteem is very low. I feel like I’m just existing and not living – by that I mean I’m not doing anything fulfilling in life that gives me a sense of purpose and joy. My life is waking up in the morning to go to an emotionally unrewarding and depressing job, sitting in front of a computer screen for >4 hours and going to meetings, then coming home, eating a microwave meal then staring in front of a computer screen doing random things until I go to sleep. The cycle is repeated every weekday.

 

I don’t know what my future strategy will be but the first step is to get away from all the vampires in my life that are sucking all my energy and keeping my self esteem so low. This means quitting my job. I think I have enough in the bank to give me time to find that strategy. I might do something physical and similar to Lancslad, especially as it would improve my health. I am also interested in meditation and taking it up seriously. I also have an interest in finance and trading.

 

Some of you have said that I should consider staying at my job but believe me it’s not worth it. My depression has been so bad while working here that I’ve often thought about suicide. There are also no adjustments they could make to my job that would work for them – it’s just the nature of the work I do.

 

I do want to make friends but I always seem to eventually rub people the wrong way. This includes people outside work. I am great at making enemies. There are so many people in my life who truly dislike me, including close family. It’s difficult to be hopeful and positive when you are so conscious of your innate flaws but I must try.

 

I would like to confirm that I don’t have an official diagnosis for anything but psoriasis. I’m reconsidering getting a diagnosis for depression and ADHD, but the reason I haven’t already is because I’m not keen on the psychiatric drugs because of the negative impact they have had on members of my family. I’ve debated the issue of getting a diagnosis for Autism on this forum before and my conclusion is I don’t see the benefits of getting it in my case.

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At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you, and you're the best person to know what that is. :)

 

There's quite a few undiagnosed people on here so I wouldn't worry about that - as you said, if it isn't going to do anything to change your life, then why bother...

 

Good luck with things :thumbs:

Edited by darkshine

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I have made the decision not to go into employment for the time being.

 

Wow - wouldn't it be nice to be able to say that!

 

"I have made the decision

 

not

 

to go into employment

 

for the time being"

 

 

How many people can say that in this economic climate. Good on you if you can say it though - hats off to you!

 

But for the rest of us it's a luxury we can ill afford.

Edited by Mike_GX101

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Just an update.

 

I quit my job.

 

:)

 

Well you smiled so I guess - congratulations? ;)

 

Are you going for a whole new lifestyle kinda thing? Or staying in the same line of work and finding something/somewhere different?

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I understand that for many people giving up work is something they can't contemplate. I think one of the issues is seeing a life away from work as a luxury. In many ways there are few if any luxuries in my life in a conventional sense I simply don't have any financial resources to pay for any, it is a life of basics.

 

In another way there are massive luxuries the ability to live life to my own rhythms to pursue the things that are important, to have the space to grow as an individual. In many ways life is full of compromises the secret is about getting the balance right.

 

Just a thought.

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To support my last comment I thought I would post the following, I am in that sort of mood today.

 

 

Just felt it might support the concept of finding our own rhythms in life and when we do we create opportunities to express our individualism, if someone throws us a few pennies along the way maybe we should simply see that as a bonus.

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It's a hard life though LancsLad and not one someone should quit a contractual job over unless they're already millionaires and they're doing it for kicks.

 

Besides if you had talent like that I bet you wouldn't be wasting it on street corners - you'd be recording songs and selling them online and helping make British Great again!

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To be honest I would be living a lifestyle which resulted in a balanced and healthy mental state of mind.

 

If I had talent like that I would be expressing it in a way which made me happy, or at least content. If that was getting a positive and honest response from a variety of humans every minute or so I can see how this approach to life could be very fulfilling. I think it is a case of where we decide to place value.

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