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Asking inappropriate questions

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Does anybody else fixnd that they ask inappropriate questions without really thinking through what they are saying. It is becomming a bit of a habit which I need to urgently get out of.

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Yes, this has been a continual feature in my life, and I only learn by making mistakes.

 

For example:

 

I quite often laugh when people tell me stories that are supposed to be sad. I have learned that this is 90% of the time the wrong reaction. So now I try to remember to paint a serious face as soon as I realise that's what's coming - this makes it easier not to laugh.

 

It's harder with words but again - some really clear instances stand out as life rolls on - like not talking loudly when everyone's gone quiet - learning to pay attention first.

 

Another idea is to have a few apologies ready so that if you offend someone without meaning to, you are ready to straight away say sorry.

 

I have more of a problem with inappropriate talking - I say things without thinking - whether a question or not - I make observations that people wouldn't make and they are usually done at the wrong time and place.

 

Actually, its a bit of a curse - because half the time I say nothing, especially somewhere I am not comfortable, which is fine because I can't say anything wrong, but then people think I'm weird because I'm not talking.

 

Then the other half of the time when I am comfortable, I have to be super aware of what I say because I'm much more likely to say inappropriate things :wallbash:

 

I am not fantastic at judging this either as every person is different - so something could be fine with one person, and then could be the most offensive thing ever to someone else... go figure... trial and error is my philosophy - and its definitely an ongoing process.

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This can definitely be part of ASD. I dont like people asking me when im going to have children, where i live or my age.

 

Would it help if we gave you a list of acceptable questions to ask people? Then if you were unsure you could ask on here avoiding potential embarrassment.

 

Asking how the person is can depend on the person. Some folk with long term illnesses or disabilities dont like being asked how they are. It is generally speaking acceptable to ask 'how are you?'

 

Asking what they do with their spare time, what their favourite food is, if they have lived here long and (if they come with a friend for the 1st time 'so how do you know x?' sounds acceptable to me as well.

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I must admit that I am more or less in Charlie's camp on this one. Basically I know that there is nothing malicious in my make up so if I am interested in something and I want to find out more, which is often I ask questions. To be honest I find this open approach far more beneficial than trying to second guess the social games which many people play.

 

I think it is a case of you win some and loose some. An example was I was out training on my bike a few weeks back riding with another person when a paraplegic cyclist in GB kit rode past in the other direction. As bikes are a massive interest of mine I imediatly turned around and rode after him and asked could he stop and so I could look at his prosthetic leg and how the bike had been adapted. He was very happy to do so and we had a good chat for about 20 minutes. The guy I was initialy riding with said "I can't believe you did that" after turning back and riding up to us and listening in. "I asked him did he find it interesting" which he agreed it was but said he could never be that rude and impose himself on someone like that. My point was when I caught up to this cyclist he could have said no thanks I am busy and I know I wouldn't have been offended in any way.

 

There are times when I have upset someone but to be honest these are rare and they are usually around things such as people dying or being very ill. To be honest I believe I have a pretty balanced approach in such situations as opposed to a lot of people who are emotionally off balance in these times. If there is a problem associated with ASD and question asking is that my stamina for a conversation far exceeds most people and I can be very hard work. At the same time I know some people who find me very interesting once they have got to know me a bit, and it is these people who I find encourage me to be open and forthright and see it as a quality to have not a problem.

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Thanks for your replies. Luckily the person I keep asking these inappropriate questions to has been a friend for a long time and so has always forgiven me. I just need to get out of the habit and remind myself that if I don't stop doing this she may not be a friend for much longer.

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I don't think Lancs Lad's question *was* inappropriate, and the cyclist was probably pleased that you were interested enough to ask. I've commented on the spoke covers on wheelchairs before when they've looked good - just like you might say to someone I like your tshirt.

 

As I've grown older I've started to recognise which things are inappropriate, and it's more when to keep firing the questions and when to back off. DD is terrible for going up to complete strangers and interrogating them as to the minutae of their lives though!

 

(null)

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I've said to other wheelchair users 'nice set of wheels' as an icebreaker to start conversations. Or ive asked them if they have the same problem with their front wheels turning in and how they've solved it. ive commented on a guys walking stick decorations for Xmas but I was also in my wheelchair at the time.

i do wonder if my comments are OK because im in a wheelchair user and so 'know what its like' in a way?

 

Maybe you could work with your friend to try and think of appropriate questions to ask people?

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Slightly off topic but my friend has a very different personality to me and is very brash, outgoing, a fighter. My point is does it matter if two friends have different personalities?

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I think on the whole due to how we see the world we have something to give from our unique perspective, and often that is showing a genuine interest in other people.

 

I had one such experience just before Christmas. I was being dragged around one of those massive garden centre palces, the ones with just a few plants tucked up out the back and filled with coach loads of individuals on a day trip out. I was getting very synical and wanted to go home but my partner and son were having a great time as they always seem to do in these type of places. We came across a main display of artificial christmas trees and centre of the display there were some pink ones, but not any old pink a mixture of pinks as if the dye hadn't taken into the white plastic. I talked over the display to my partner who was bemused by the trees as well and said reasonably loudly "It looks like Aunt Ethel has thrown up over the tree after having too much red wine and sherry triffle" this was exactly what they looked like. I then realised there were other shoppers in complete hysterics around me, some crying with laughter who all found the description highly amusing but were all too embarassed to comment. Looking on was a shop assistant with a big grin which said it all. The world is simply too boring without a little bit of Aspie honesty to keep things in perspective.

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My partner and best friend in life has a very different personality from me and as such we compliment each other and make a very good team in things such as being foster carers. I have always said we would be the last two people put together on a computer dating site as we are complete opposites. Simply shows life can work in many different ways.

 

Just a thought.

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Your xmas tree story is brilliant - I tend to come out with observations like that and people have laughed - sometimes I haven't even known why I was funny :P

 

I also don't think your other story about the guy on the bike was inappropriate.

 

I guess it depends on who you ask the inappropriate question to - I can think of times (lots of them) when I asked completely inappropriate questions and they got answered...

 

Something funny about me and questions....

 

I might answer the phone - talk to someone for a minute and then forget all about it.

 

Later someone says "did you ask them about their new car?" (or whatever feature or event has happened in their life)

 

And I say "No" because I don't ask a lot of the normal questions like asking for details about normal things, if they had wanted to tell me about their new car (or holiday/new job/the weather/whatever other mundane thing you can think of) then they would have mentioned it! I am forever being moaned at for forgetting to ask about details that other people seem to find fascinating - but only by nosy people wanting to know everything about everything - its more interesting to find out something that nobody else really asks about :D

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Slightly off topic but my friend has a very different personality to me and is very brash, outgoing, a fighter. My point is does it matter if two friends have different personalities?

 

Does anybody else have any views on this?

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I think there are two approaches to a lot of situations in life and people can more or less be put into one or two camps.

 

The first camp is made up of people who intrinsicly want to feel part of a collective. As such they have a tendancy to gravitate towards people who are very similar to themselves. Have similar backgrounds, are of similar ages, wear the same type of clothes have similar interests etc... This is good for them because they feel secure in life. I would say this make up about 80 to 90% of society.

 

There is however a minority camp who see things at a strategic level. These people are always on the look out for individuals who have talents and abilities which are different from their own. They are great team builders if not team players. I would deffinately place myself in this camp. Taking this approach has its problems as often people you come across are firmly in the first camp and so need servicing to feel secure. If you are fortunate other people will do this for you as is the case with my partner who is very different from me but I understand she needs the support from her own group of friends. I have no interest in these friends of hers because thye are very similar to her and I already have this skill set in my life on which to draw if needed. But I need to give her space to have a relationship with this group.

 

I think a lot of people with ASD conditions will be drawn to this second approach in life. At times it can be hard work as we are often trying to look for relationships with no strings attatched and that is often a hard thing to find. I think at times we can get close to the right sort of people but we can become over controlling and as such are in danger of wrecking relationships. I think what a lot of us then do is try to minimise the number of relationships we have and turn them into 'super relationships', I know this has tended to be my approach in life. I have a 25 year plus relationship with my partner, then at most one or two other intensive relationships often based around activities and shared interests adventure activities, sports, academic or political interests etc... in my own life. I know that this is about all I am capable of servicing anything more than that I neglect people and they feel I am not making enough effort which is true because for a lot of the time my best friend and the one I want to spend most time with is myself.

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I would say it does not matter as long as it is a trye friendship.

 

I tend to have different friends relationships with different people.

 

Some are just good company, others are fun, and then there are the real friends, the ones that are there no matter what.

 

Lucky if you have a handfull of them in a lifetime.

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