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I find friendships quite difficult. It hard to know who a real friend is and who isnt a real friend. I have one neurotypical friend at least thought were a friend and someone told me what she is doing isnt a friend. Any way she cancelled meeting me again, she done this more than one occassion and she now accusing me of not even telling her my friend is coming to the event with me in june which i do not tell a lie. She has all week complained about things going wrong and not liking change now she just gone and disturb my change and she knows i also hate change, now to me makes me think she is lying to me about change problems. Believe she is messing with my head when she knows im autistic

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You believe she is messing with your head when she knows you're autistic. Maybe she doesn't understand what it is to be autistic. Anyhow, you have a mind of your own and you can make your own decisions about what is going on and what you gonna do about it. I would treat her with respect. You don't want to get done for losing your temper and doing something silly. At the same time take care of your own sanity.

 

Written about something that happened a long time ago. I imagine that things are different now.

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I don't have friends treat me like that and I'm fine when I'm not around them. Also don't treat any one with respect if they don't treat me nice but be nasty on me.

Edited by Special_talent123

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Friends, I am questioning friends at the moment, one has taken a back step, another is always apologetic for stuff I haven't questioned and the other one blows hot and cold to the point the confusion caused make me not want to be around them.

 

I do get the feeling my friends are wary around me these past six months and this culminated in Xmas eve, I went out for a beer on my own to find all my friends gathered in one pub celebrating together, to which I found curious so I inquired, did everybody think the same thing at the same time and was asked didn't I get the message for it was sent to which I revealed my cell phone with no messages on it from anyone and none have arrived late since.

 

So be it, I understand.

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I had something similar. Friend arranged to meet up at last minute cancel saying they have no money. Instead I catches them out when I saw there status saying they are in pub so lied to me and this was a neurotypical

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It could be and do highly suspect it is we are hard work for some NT's, but I turn it on them and ask given the fact they think I don't feel then for my continued learning how would each of them feel if the felt they had been excluded through no fault of their own.

 

And I know doing that is not going to help matters, but really I am getting passed caring now, but I am always the sucker who is available to help any of them when they are in need, even foregoing my own interests to help them, but they forget so easily, whereas I do not.

 

For example a panic call from a friend wanting me to help him repair his motorcycle for his commute to work the next morning, I was going out, and missed my evening out indulging in one of my interests to repair his motorcycle. But a few days later he did what he did to be found in the pub with all my other 'friends'.

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Think we can agree we get little respect if we give little respect.

 

I think it's more the case that we show respect but don't get it in return, and in actual fact it's abuse.

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I have difficulty respecting some people and hope that if I show these people some respect I will get respect in return. I also respect nasty people in the sense of being careful to keep out of the firing line. Don't pay to insult someone who might hurt me.

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What I was thinking the other day was this: you have an aunt or uncle and you have a good relationship with them. But what makes that relationship other than the imposed relationship set by your family tree? There are many people who have aunts and uncles who they don't get on with but they don't stop being aunts and uncles. Similarly there are many people who do get on with them at which point they stop being merely aunts and uncles and actually become friends too - i.e. the relationship transcends into something much more than the imposed titles of 'aunt' or 'uncle'. And this goes for any family relationship - the same rules apply.

 

But what of simple friendship with another? What are the processes involved before you can call a random person off the street a 'friend'? What imposes them in your mind as being a 'friend'? It is different from family relationships because in this case there is no pre-set relationship set in stone and you are instead the one who determines who is a friend and who isn't. But that's where it ends because that person's 'friendship' might only be one-sided and in reality isn't returned (i.e. is opposite to your expectations). Taken aback you're unsure what to do. But the best thing you can do is take stock of such a reality and actually adjust your expectation of that person and maybe see them for what they really are. No one has to be your friend, no matter how much you might want them to be a friend. And that is life. Pure and simple.

 

Don't be offended if someone you have done some good deed to doesn't return the favour or doesn't meet your expectation. That is their choice. They have every right to choose what they want. Everyone has rights. No one has to be your friend or has to return your favour. I know that hurts Sa but it's true! We all have rights.

 

Perhaps you aught to maybe charge him the next time you fix his motorcycle Sa - because you too have a right to get a return for your efforts. Perhaps even next year you aught to arrange your own night out - send out invitations and become a part of that night out. In doing that not only will you be communicating who you think your friends are but you'll also get the feedback as to whether that is true or not and whether your expectations are correct. Plus you'll have the added bonus of actually getting a good night out to enjoy!

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David I don't respect nasty people, I used to and got myself hurt .

 

Mike I do have an aunt actually I do not get on I don't know where your getting thus. I don't even have local family than my mum and sister.

 

(posts merged as it is clear that you are talking to different people in each)

Edited by trekster

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I used to think that if people talked to you it meant that they were your friend, and I had a hard time growing up because I was getting ignored and left out of things and didn't know why. I used to think it was because I wasn't very outgoing, had completely different interests to my peers and they found me boring. I think they found me unfriendly and aloof because I never liked chit chat and didn't bother to get to know me.

 

A couple of days ago I met with an old schoolfriend who was having similar problems to me at school though she's a bit more outgoing than me. It was a very positive experience as we still got on as well as we did then. I don't know if she's on the spectrum or not, but I know she has motor coordination problems, perhaps dyspraxia.

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Mike I do have an aunt actually I do not get on I don't know where your getting thus. I don't even have local family than my mum and sister.

 

I meant nothing to you personally ST123 - so no I wasn't getting anything 'thus' as you put it - you've just assumed it was aimed at you.

 

No I was talking in general about some things I was thinking about the other day...plus some other stuff about how everyone has the right to decide who to be friends with, etc. If you scratch someone's back (and I'm not talking literally) then yes it would be nice if they scratched yours in return but that isn't always going to happen. Our expectations of those we perceive as our 'friends' may some times be misplaced in the real world and it is especially important to ensure our internal expectations accurately reflect the reality and this responsibility is important for you may end up 'tagging' along with someone who you perceive as being a 'friend' but who doesn't feel the same in return and may actually perceive your 'tagging' along as 'stalking'.

 

Feel with your instincts. Make sure your inner expectations aline with the real world otherwise you may end up in a bit of a tangle. This is one skill out of many connected with social skills you seriously have to stay atop of.

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I have thought about this a lot since getting my diagnosis... well probably a lot prior to that as well.

 

I find that I end up being friends with people who quite often end up using me for whatever reason and then disappearing with no real reason. A good example are two people who, insisted they were my friends and wanted me to do this and that with them and 'please come and visit me' etc etc. I ended up trusting these people and it turns out they were probably only using me for my contacts within the music industry. When they got what they wanted they literally disappeared. No explanation, no nothing.

 

Now, I know it wasn't me in that sense because I hadn't changed at all in the time that I'd known them, only to be more trusting. It's pretty soul destroying to say the least.

 

I cannot stand people who use and abuse, or backstab and such likes. I don't understand the need for it. I would like for once, for things to just be simple and have friends who only want the same back. I feel like I've managed to find a couple of friends at work for the first time, and that's quite a nice feeling, however, right now, my best friend literally is my dog.

 

I'm going to go back to being less trusting, as I am fed up of being hurt :/ Sad, but true. But then again, sometimes people come along who give you your faith back in humanity and manage to make you smile again.

 

May I just say SpecialTalent, that I've learnt along the way that we shouldn't take it to heart if people do this to us... yes it hurts, but we are far better off without people who treat us in such a way. Throughout life we'll stumble across people who are worth our time and effort.

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Oakers, something like that happened to me, too. I lent a friend some money, she disappeared off to Italy and I haven't heard from her for months. I'm getting tired of being treated like a doormat, it's hard to know who's a genuine friend and who isn't, perhaps I'm being too cynic on this one, but I'm beginning to think real friendship doesn't exist and that people just form connections with others for their own personal gain.

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Nesf, that's terrible. I'm so sorry you've had to go through that :( I didn't lose money that had been in my hand, but through some of this I've lost the opportunity to make money through my photography, which was a ######. I've now turned my back on it all, at least for the forseeable future, as I was fed up of the dog eat dog nature of the game.

 

I often wonder, like you, if there are any real friendships out there. Anything that you can actually really rely on being such. I do have a couple of people in my life that appear to be real friends, so I just hold out hope that they are. Yes, they've hurt me in the past, but I wonder if that's because neither them nor I understood me properly at the time.

 

I guess we both need to try and be a little less cynical and live in hope that there are real friendships out there waiting to happen :)

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Oakers, something like that happened to me, too. I lent a friend some money, she disappeared off to Italy and I haven't heard from her for months. I'm getting tired of being treated like a doormat, it's hard to know who's a genuine friend and who isn't, perhaps I'm being too cynic on this one, but I'm beginning to think real friendship doesn't exist and that people just form connections with others for their own personal gain.

That's not a friend that's someone who using u just for money and not paying u back is financially abusing you. It has happened to me and never get money back

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Yes, I've learnt my lesson as far as so-called friends and money are concerned. I don't expect her to ever pay me the money back. I'm sure there must be some genuinely kind people out there, but they are far and few between. And as I said before, it's difficult to know who is genuine and who isn't. This has always been a problem for me, I've made many mistakes.

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It's not always about money though.... and I have found it difficult to tell if people are genuine. Obviously sometimes it's blatantly obvious from the outset that these people are out for themselves, but some people lull you into a false sense of security and then you start to trust them. If it were just about money sometimes it'd be a hell of a lot easier.

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But surely it is difficult when you meet new people? At least it is for me... it's like starting all over again from the beginning.

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But surely it is difficult when you meet new people? At least it is for me... it's like starting all over again from the beginning.

 

Yep that is the same with me, which brings me to now where the feeling is can I really be bothered anymore as it is the same pattern as it has always been and I have attempted to sort out some of my issues to promote a different outcome, but it is always the same, friends move on usually in a group when they get partners they socialise together where singles are not wanted.

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I have people add me to facebook, i can tell the way they act the way they have no friends, few photos and email different to real name. I can feel who is not right and who is not. sometimes this isnt the case always , it can start happening later on

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I am hurt by the nasty things people do. I get really annoyed by people who ignore my existence. I feel sorry for them because I have friendship to give and they miss out on my friendship. I offer friendship and I am repelled.

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Tonight a lass who I had been attracted to for a while, what it was about her was not her looks then I was more or less told it was, for she admitted she was a geek, into most things un feminine, including repairing mechanics and yes, male things mostly, but that is okay for women for women can do as they please and still remain attractive to males.

 

Then came the drunken age thing, guess the age, she got everyone else pretty much right to within five years but pinned as late twenties, she was visibly shocked to learn I was 45 and her 21, so give that idea up.

 

I still try mostly after a few beers, but in reality what can I give, especially to someone less than half my age who might want to go on to have a family, something I can't do.

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It's not always about money though.... and I have found it difficult to tell if people are genuine. Obviously sometimes it's blatantly obvious from the outset that these people are out for themselves, but some people lull you into a false sense of security and then you start to trust them. If it were just about money sometimes it'd be a hell of a lot easier.

 

This is exactly what happened, I had known the friend for a while before I lent her the money, and come to trust her. Now I do what SpecialTalent said and tell people I don't have money to spare, or that it's nothing personal but I have a policy of neither borrowing nor lending money. It not so much the fact that I didn't get the money back that bothered me, if she has problems and can't pay me it back just yet I can understand, it's more the fact that she hid from me and didn't contact me.

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Sounds like the best plan of action Nesf. I'm hoping that one day this will all somehow get easier!! :)

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Tonight a lass who I had been attracted to for a while, what it was about her was not her looks then I was more or less told it was, for she admitted she was a geek, into most things un feminine, including repairing mechanics and yes, male things mostly, but that is okay for women for women can do as they please and still remain attractive to males.

 

Then came the drunken age thing, guess the age, she got everyone else pretty much right to within five years but pinned as late twenties, she was visibly shocked to learn I was 45 and her 21, so give that idea up.

 

I still try mostly after a few beers, but in reality what can I give, especially to someone less than half my age who might want to go on to have a family, something I can't do.

 

Go for it anyway, you never know.

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