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Help, depression, major anxiety etc!

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I have had a history of depression & anxiety.

My son has ASD but I am undiagnosed although sure I have AS.

Thought of seeking a diagnosis for about a year but have a mental block because

I just can't imagine asking any of my GP's for referral.

 

Anyway, I used to be on antidepressants but I felt they really

numbed me as a person. Numbed the good, numbed the bad?

Then I tried some which gave me the one of the worst 24 hours of my

life because I had some sort of allergic reaction. That really put me off.

Anyway, I'm really terrified of having to go on medication again.

My thoughts are quite chaotic at the moment. For example, I find it

very hard to focus and make decisions. It feels like my thoughts are

are all over the place one minute and then I just feel empty.

I have this awful feeling all the time,

as though someone has told me some terrible news? I can't shift it.

No motivation really, very tired all the time.

 

I moved here about a year and a half ago. I've managed to make one friend

who I see every couple of weeks but I find it difficult to talk about what

I'm going through. I find it easy to write it down. I'm married but

I feel like such a burden to him because there is always "something wrong"....

 

I thought about therapy - but I can imagine having therapy with someone

who doesn't understand AS because I feel so many of my anxieties etc

stem from that. But I'm not diagnosed!!!

 

Also, I think figuring out I have AS has sort of triggered a lot of these

feelings because - having had a confusing idea of my own identity anyway,

realising I have AS has shifted it again and I think it's really messed me up

in a way because I've looked back on my whole life and realised how much

would have been different if I'd only realised this before and now I have

all of these problems....

 

sorry I'm rambling, I just wanted to write something because I don't know what

to do.

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I was diagnosed with AS over a year ago and my thinking went a similar way - its a lot to take in and think about - I also struggle with depression a lot which really doesn't help (no motivation, feeling numb or overloaded, feeling stressed, anxious, angry, confused etc etc ).

 

When I feel like that I do anything I can to get through the day, if I feel I can - I try to see what I can do about it, maybe I could try a different medication, maybe I could talk to a doctor, maybe my friend will understand, maybe I could join a forum and talk to other people on there, maybe the people will understand and help me....

 

Sorry I don't have anything better to say - but as someone who hasn't dealt with their own problems I can't stand writing a load of hollow clichés - However, I think by writing your post you are already trying to deal with your problems and I think that's probably the best thing to do right now. :)

 

Best

 

Darkshine

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**I was diagnosed with AS over a year ago and my thinking went a similar way - its a lot to take in and think about - I also struggle with depression a lot which really doesn't help (no motivation, feeling numb or overloaded, feeling stressed, anxious, angry, confused etc etc )**

 

Thank you for replying, any reply is appreciated because I just feel really alone right now and like no one understands me. It's hard because I feel like AS is still so misunderstood and most people are just ignorant of it. I was totally ignorant of it, just a couple of years ago! I remember a woman telling me two of her children AND her husband had aspergers and I thought, "oh no, that must be terrible!"...even though, I had only some vague idea of what that might mean and none of it really related to how I see AS today.

 

Anyway, I have to say I notice that when my depression/anxiety is worse, all my AS symptoms get much worse as well. Like the sensory overload. So, even when someone speaks in a certain tone/certain noises or going to the supermarket become more unbearable. I can also definitely get angry much more frequently :( and more prone to total - ball in a heap on the floor - meltdowns.

 

My husband is pretty understanding really but I feel such a bore because something is always wrong. I bore myself with my own thoughts.

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I'm sorry you're having such a bad time at the moment. It sounds like you're really struggling a lot.

 

Normally I would say it's better to get help for the mental health problems first as they seem more urgent, and seek a diagnosis later, as they can't really asses you properly until you're on more of an even keel. But your problems at the moment seem to be connected to the realisation that you probably have AS, so you can't really get the help you need without mentioning AS.

 

I know you're reluctant to ask your husband for more help, but it sounds like he would want to help you access the support you need. Men often struggle with emotional stuff, but prefer practical tasks they can do to help. So maybe he would be keen to come to the doctor with you, help you explain your difficulties and the reasons you think you have AS. It can also carry more weight if someone else is saying they think you have AS, than if it's just you saying it about yourself.

 

You're right that you express yourself well in writing. You might be able to write a list of what's going wrong at the moment for yout GP, or even show him your post as that does explain things very well. Your husband could just come with you for moral support.

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**I know you're reluctant to ask your husband for more help, but it sounds like he would want to help you access the support you need**

 

Thank you. Yes, my husband sees a lot of what I go through and is pretty knowledgeable about how AS effects me. He is also in complete agreement that I have it and should seek diagnosis. He is very much keen to come with me to the doctor also. But I know I would also find it incredibly difficult to go with him to the doctor. I feel ridiculously self-conscious talking about it, I find it hard to even talk to him about it, I normally have to have a couple of glasses of wine before it all starts to come out. But trying to explain it in front of TWO people rather than one just feels like an even bigger task, even if one of them is my husband? I don't know if that makes sense.

 

But yes, I think you're probably right that the AS is a massive issue that has probably been the trigger also. I do need to write down a list of things that are wrong. Maybe my husband could come along anyway, even having him in the waiting room could help.

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I find that I am able to look at things a different way when I take someone into the doctors with me - instead of making it really hard and thinking you have to explain to 2 people at once (which would be blo0dy hard!). I think of it this way instead... if I have someone there with me I won't ramble and lose my point, I won't forget cuz they are there to remind me (and remember what was said after), so if I suddenly can't talk they can step in, I won't have to sit there with my bits of paper feeling like a fool - stuff like that you know?

 

I'd say have your 2 glasses of wine and talk to your husband - explain everything to him and both of you write it down and agree what you want to say to the doctors. You should not be ashamed - he clearly is pretty supportive and as such it could be well worth giving him the chance to get involved - especially is he says he wants to understand.

 

This way, when you arrive at your doctors, you aren't having to re-explain to your husband cuz you'd have already done it and if you suddenly feel unable to speak - your husband could step in and speak for you - its like having a wing man who will watch your back - or as someone to just "be there" as support - after all if you're already together in life, why not be together in trying to sort things out? AS and mental heath probs can be lonely enough - so I wouldn't push someone away who wants to be there.

 

I also think the planning of what to say helps to straighten things out in yours and your husband's minds before you go - it helps to keep the focus of what you want to say and lets you both feel involved in doing this together for your lives together.

 

If you do go to the docs it might be worth asking for a longer appointment slot so you don't feel rushed or pressured (some surgeries will do this).

 

Hope this helps

 

Darkshine

Edited by darkshine

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Thank you!! Yes, that helps - I've been thinking about it. I'm terrified frankly though. I also severely procrastinate if I have to do something that I REALLY do not want to do? I've been thinking about this for about a year. That's how long it's taken me so far.

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Then it really has to be your decision - if you don't want to at this time then maybe ask yourself why you don't want to.

 

I imagine you might have worries about the docs reaction or what the outcome could be, what if they say you don't have AS or they won't even test you... Maybe you also worry that you do have AS and how that will make you feel (although I suspect you've asked yourself that question since the issue of AS first cropped up?).

 

Maybe that's why some people never get tested... because for some they might be satisfied at knowing themselves and just working life around it.

 

My diagnosis happened because someone referred me without me asking so my worries were similar yet different - I wondered whether I would find the answer to things in my life, but at the same time I was very afraid of being diagnosed - so much so that I deluded myself a lot of the time and semi-pretended it wasn't happening - then - after diagnosis I spent the best part of a year letting it drive me mad :rolleyes:

 

I think the only way to break out of cycles is to make decisions - I have loads of my own to make even now - but I do know that once I've decided on a course of action I feel a bit better cuz I have something to focus on, I also throw ideas around with my carer and see what he thinks - maybe its worth using your husband as a sounding board?

 

I understand what it feels like when it feels like I'm constantly pouring my stuff onto someone else's stuff - but I do find that quite often people are surprisingly helpful when I am doing a thing to make life better - especially if their interests are at stake too. By talking things through you give a person proof of your trust and honesty, your give them hope that you will become happier and be default you'll both be happier, and you give them a part of your life that you've probably kept closed off a lot and that can increase a bond with a person.

 

Sometimes when there's so many things to deal with I think the decision has to be made about where to start (best to be either logical or go with your instincts on this). I don't know where your road leads in life, my own is very confusing and I still have to find my own way, but I really do wish you luck in whatever you decide, and I do think you'll feel better if you can work out what the next step is for you and your life because believe me I know about feeling stuck and it aint good.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

 

PS - considering the place you say you are in at this time (personally and your state of mind/thinking etc) I would really suggest getting as much help with your decision making as you can - or being really thorough and make lists of pros and cons to assist you.

 

I recently posted a thread on decisions following me freaking out over plant pots :lol: so I understand that deciding on things isn't easy - especially when its your life and your families life at stake.

 

A brief example of one of my lists and the way I think through it would be this:

 

I'm feeling really depressed and I recognise the signs - I can't be bothered to get up, or get dressed, I have no interest in anything, everything seems pointless, the world is against me, everything is bad etc Maybe I should see the GP? What's the point? He'll only suggest tablet changes and I'm scared of that.

 

Pros Cons

 

It might help to talk about it The doctor might not listen

 

It might be useful to have it on record I might feel stupid

in

I hate going to the doctors

Maybe medication could help and I should

consider it He'll only want to put me on pills

 

People are worried about me and I

should deal with this

 

The GP might help in some way

 

 

In this case the pros outweigh the cons - and even if I spent an hour thinking of cons - which I could do - you see how they don't match up?

 

The pros all make sense, they are logical, rational and realistic.

 

Whereas the cons are just feelings, fears or statements with no evidence - there isn't much argument there really for the cons (if I'm honest lol) and they aren't really valid reasons for me to avoid the docs when I know I'm not well.

 

I don't know if this makes sense or not - but hope it helps nevertheless :)

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Hi,

 

sorry you're feeling so stressed over this, I think seeing one's GP over your suspicions is scary just because it's one thing to suspect you have Aspergers, but another to decide to seek diagnosis. Kind of makes it A Real Thing rather than just a possibility, which can be hard to get one's head around.

 

When I had my initial chat with my GP, I took my mum along. It felt pretty awkward to be a grown man and bringing her, but she's been very supportive, and she did a fair bit of the talking. I was able to get a referral and have recently been formally diagnosed. As Darkshine says, backup can be very helpful, especially when they take you seriously, as your husband does.

 

Wishing you luck, whatever you decide to do!

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