another mad school mornin!

[mingocat]

once again battles with 14 year old son over school. asked me to phone school to say he would be in for a couple ov hours. then had to re phone them to stipulate that a couple ov hours meant two hours! then decides he not goin at all because i mentioned the word world! tookhis game from him an remote for telly so he couldn't play them cos he won't go. to school. this led to him throwing stuff at me. pouring. shower cream down the stairs and throwing a glass bowl down the stairs. where will it end? should i just ov given in and let him play game while i went to work? or am i doin right in takin things off him if he won't go to school? he has aspergers

[justine1]

Honestly you did the right thing. It is hard to do it but important that he knows if he is going to be home he needs to do some form of work that it is not a day off. In the real world he cannot just constantly call in sick when he has a job and sit at home playing games or watching telly all day.

 

My ASD son age 8 also throws things when I remove something as a sanction,things get broken quite often and he has very loud scream,which means neighbours have complained. However I know I am doing the right thing and sometimes he just knows when he has done something that he will be punnished so now he will go to his room and have a cry instead of throwing things.

 

Of course its important to find a solution to the problem,and you cannot drag a 14 yr old to school. But while he is at home try and print off work from online for him to do at home or ask the school to provide work legally they should do so as he is registered there,even if he won't do it at least you have given him something to do. Explain that everytime he is at home he is not allowed to use games or telly. Even when my boys are home due to illness I don't allow this because if they are thruelly ill they need rest so they remain in their bedroom until 3pm thereafter they have their usual telly/game time.

 

Keep on at the GP to push your camhs appt. forward.

[LancsLad]

I am not trying to be provocative here but make a point from an AS perspective in general terms.

 

' In the real world he cannot just constantly call in sick when he has a job and sit at home playing games or watching telly all day. '

 

In the real world people play games all the time, and I am not talking about computer ones. If they have been in work every day for a large block of time they often think if they are feeling a little down I will ring in sick, I could do with some time by myself, I have earn't it. I worked with a teacher once who never took a day off all year but would be sick for two days when the All Englan Lawn Tennis Championships were on at Wimbledon. This continued until one year she was spotted on the highlights show on centre court. She was repremanded and asked would she have been given unpaid leave to go they said of course not! She never went to Wimbledon again but was off for I guess around 20+ days a year after that, funny how these things work. I am not saying who was right or wrong just using a real example.There are also many other people in the real world who ring in with a 'sicky' at the first sign of anything like a cold just in case it turns into something deadly wouldn't want to pass it on. There are also sections of the real world who perpetuate the notion that it is a cardinal sin to take some time off no matter what the reason may be. In the real world we all play games with each other and try to strike a balance.

 

I am not saying that in this instance he should have gone into school or not. Just like other sections of the populace, members of the autistic community have a wide range of personality traits. For some slight stress levels are possibly a very good reason to take a day off, other play the hero and battle through the stresses of daily life often paying a heavy price for doing so. But as with illness stress can be dehabilitating and sometimes we are the equivalent of being ill.

 

I everybody had a similar personality type we would find it easier as a society to strike a balance as to what is acceptable behaviour whilst at the same time maintaining our rights to individuality and personal freedoms. Because we are different this will always be a difficult area as such we often have to make our own decisions in life and live with the consequences I think that is a lesson we all have to learn.

 

Just a few thoughts.

[justine1]

I am not trying to be provocative here but make a point from an AS perspective in general terms.

 

' In the real world he cannot just constantly call in sick when he has a job and sit at home playing games or watching telly all day. '

 

In the real world people play games all the time, and I am not talking about computer ones. If they have been in work every day for a large block of time they often think if they are feeling a little down I will ring in sick, I could do with some time by myself, I have earn't it. I worked with a teacher once who never took a day off all year but would be sick for two days when the All Englan Lawn Tennis Championships were on at Wimbledon. This continued until one year she was spotted on the highlights show on centre court. She was repremanded and asked would she have been given unpaid leave to go they said of course not! She never went to Wimbledon again but was off for I guess around 20+ days a year after that, funny how these things work. I am not saying who was right or wrong just using a real example.There are also many other people in the real world who ring in with a 'sicky' at the first sign of anything like a cold just in case it turns into something deadly wouldn't want to pass it on. There are also sections of the real world who perpetuate the notion that it is a cardinal sin to take some time off no matter what the reason may be. In the real world we all play games with each other and try to strike a balance.

 

I am not saying that in this instance he should have gone into school or not. Just like other sections of the populace, members of the autistic community have a wide range of personality traits. For some slight stress levels are possibly a very good reason to take a day off, other play the hero and battle through the stresses of daily life often paying a heavy price for doing so. But as with illness stress can be dehabilitating and sometimes we are the equivalent of being ill.

 

I everybody had a similar personality type we would find it easier as a society to strike a balance as to what is acceptable behaviour whilst at the same time maintaining our rights to individuality and personal freedoms. Because we are different this will always be a difficult area as such we often have to make our own decisions in life and live with the consequences I think that is a lesson we all have to learn.

 

Just a few thoughts.

 

Well clearly from your example it is not the right thing to do. Yes people take a sicky but he is still a child and should be taught its not the right thing to do,when he is an adult and decides to call in a sicky that will be his decision and he will face the consequences but right now its his mum that will have to deal with the LEA as he is not de-registered from school and from the OP's posts he has missed school on quite a few occassions. I also feel that a compromise was made in that the OP said he can go in for just 2 hrs but her son went back on the agreement by refusing to go.The OP then allowed(not that she has much choice) her son to stay home on condition he does not play games which is reasonable IMO.

 

As I say at 14 he should be learning life lessons and I personally believe his mum is doing the right thing and reality is one cannot always use their ASD/depression/anxiety as an excuse not to go into work,thats not an opinion just fact.

[mingocat]

well so far av managed not t give him the x box and will try my hardest not to give in until he attends school. the last time i tried this the stand off lasted six weeks without him goin t school and therefore not having the x box and every day was a living Hell. smashing up furniture. threatening his brother an sister. waking them up in the night purposely. school mentor was out to him. attendance officers. even the police! to no avail. unfortunately i gave. in in the end so the six weeks ov Hell were for nothin!

[justine1]

well so far av managed not t give him the x box and will try my hardest not to give in until he attends school. the last time i tried this the stand off lasted six weeks without him goin t school and therefore not having the x box and every day was a living Hell. smashing up furniture. threatening his brother an sister. waking them up in the night purposely. school mentor was out to him. attendance officers. even the police! to no avail. unfortunately i gave. in in the end so the six weeks ov Hell were for nothin!

 

I don't think he should have a complete ban but just during school hours. Does he have a set duration for playing x-box? If not maybe set out one,say 1 hr 4-5pm then break at teatime then maybe another hour later on(depending on behaviour) if he knows when he can use it and that it will be removed if he does not listen then it will be mor eeffective as he knows what to expect. Then say during weekdays from 9am-3pm he cannot use the telly or xbox. Just an idea.

[asdinit]

Having an aspie son of a very similar age (just turned 15) I can fully sympathise. Something that worked for us was rather than take things away until he did what we wanted (which as with you used to end up with a stand off) we give him 2 warnings using a very steady firm voice and then if he proceeds to carry on I take away something but only for a specified period of time - for example, A is a XBox nut so rather than take the XBox away entirely, I switch it off for 10 minutes. This has more impact than taking it away entirely because it means a game has to be interrupted which is by far more annoying than not starting the game in the first place. Because he know he is getting it back soon he is more receptive to the punishment.

 

What about trying to strike a deal with your son - writing up a 'contract' and both of you signing it is a good way of doing it to prevent him getting confused or you forgetting the exact terms of the deal? Something along the lines of 'X can spend 1 hour of uninterrupted time on his XBox provided he attends school for the whole day'. Make sure you use positive words and don't use 'if' or 'when' as these kinds of words can be confrontational.

[asdinit]

That was weird - Justine1 and I must have some sort of ESP going on LOL

[mingocat]

ok. al give it a go in a bit. bein spat at at the. moment! x

[justine1]

That was weird - Justine1 and I must have some sort of ESP going on LOL

 

Really agree with your method I use the same for my son.....well actually for all my boys'. Sam's school do the same so quite effective as its the same discipline home and school.

 

 

Love the idea of a contract and definatley a good idea to implement a timetable,both for normal school days and those days when he does not attend,also weekends(though its tricky when you have lots to do.)

[asdinit]

Really agree with your method I use the same for my son.....well actually for all my boys'. Sam's school do the same so quite effective as its the same discipline home and school.

 

 

Love the idea of a contract and definatley a good idea to implement a timetable,both for normal school days and those days when he does not attend,also weekends(though its tricky when you have lots to do.)

 

Yup, with you all the way on this one LOL

[mingocat]

drafting a contract. as we speak:-)

[Haze]

I have a 5yr old and we are still learning about aspies and we have just relised nows hes older the meltdowns and demands get worse and object throwing he getting worse. I met and still am some fab friends on here and have got me through tough times but i to im struggling with school runs he will do anything to be there on time and if meltdown starts well duck he will chuck anything to stop us from taking him. We have refused to give in and are now showing him pictures of how we feel when has smashed trashed and bashed someone or something and it seems to be working fingers cross, what scares us how it could be when he gets to puberty

 

hazexx

[asdinit]

drafting a contract. as we speak:-)

 

Keeping my fingers crossed for you - keep expectations small to make sure your son isn't too overwhelmed with what you are asking of him and don't state anything that you may not be able to keep to - we all know how literal our children are!!!

[asdinit]

I have a 5yr old and we are still learning about aspies and we have just relised nows hes older the meltdowns and demands get worse and object throwing he getting worse. I met and still am some fab friends on here and have got me through tough times but i to im struggling with school runs he will do anything to be there on time and if meltdown starts well duck he will chuck anything to stop us from taking him. We have refused to give in and are now showing him pictures of how we feel when has smashed trashed and bashed someone or something and it seems to be working fingers cross, what scares us how it could be when he gets to puberty

 

hazexx

 

All the more reason to try and nip things in the bud now. There's a great technique you could try which is called 1-2-3 Magic, it's easy to find on Amazon and works really well.

[LancsLad]

The point I was making is not aimed at this particular case but the fact that I think it is important that we apply the same criteria to teenagers with AS as we would in general life to others. I think we are often very quick to judge individuals with AS yet there seems to be little in the way of this sort of judgement spread out through mainstream society. A lot of us have very strong ideas of right and wrong and see things in black and white terms, in contrast society as a whole often takes a very flexible attitude which in the main I find is about serving self interests. In reality none of us are perfect.

 

Just some personal thoughts, it is a forum after all.

[justine1]

The point I was making is not aimed at this particular case but the fact that I think it is important that we apply the same criteria to teenagers with AS as we would in general life to others. I think we are often very quick to judge individuals with AS yet there seems to be little in the way of this sort of judgement spread out through mainstream society. A lot of us have very strong ideas of right and wrong and see things in black and white terms, in contrast society as a whole often takes a very flexible attitude which in the main I find is about serving self interests. In reality none of us are perfect.

 

Just some personal thoughts, it is a forum after all.

 

My own view is that I treat all four boys the same,so if Sam or Dan (who both have ASD) miss school OR if Josh or Eli(both NT) miss school the same rules would apply. As I mentioned on another post I have the same expectations from all my boys,maybe its unrealistic but thats how I do things. I cannot treat them differently it would not be fair. Society is not fair and I want my boys to be prepared for the big world not sheltered because they have ASD,whether its good or bad I cannot say but it is what it is. We cannot change the greater society so we have to adapt and adjust to it.

Edited April 23, 2012 by justine1

[trekster]

Or fight society, ive done talks in various settings to try and explain about ASDs, to an extent autistic behaviour is permitted at various social groups that are run in the Bristol and Bath area. People should be treated according to their needs and reasonable adjustments.