Where to get help for siblings of ASD children

[loulou]

Hi,

I haven't been on the forum for a while, so hello to everyone again!

My AS/ADHD son is now 13 and has started being very verbally and sometimes physically aggressive to his 5 year old brother. He has done this in the past, and it stopped for a while. Now he says he hates him as he is "normal" and gets to go to a "normal" school and do "normal" things. He calls him a "f***ing little retard" and kicks him, shoves him and recently has tried to strangle him.

I am very worried about the affect this is having on my 5 year old. He is playing up at school and seems to be trying to get into trouble on purpose. Maybe for attention?

My 5 year old's school are also concerned about him and have suggested I contact my GP and ask for a CAMHS referral. Our Social worker just suggested "keeping them apart " which is almost impossible when I have 3 children to look after my myself! I do everything i possibly can to keep my little ones safe, but i can't always keep them apart.

Does anyone know if there is any kind of help/support out there for siblings of ASD children?

I really don't know what to do about this and i'm so worried about my 5 year old getting seriously hurt by his brother (who is now the size of an adult)

Loulou xx

 

[Sazale]

I don't have any advice hun but I wanted to say I understand how you're feeling and send big hugs your way. My dd is 13 and she seems to single out my 5 year old. I also have an 11 year old. I worry about the impact on them both. My 5 year old has hypermobility, a speech disorder, tics and is under assessment for ASD as he has social anxiety but I wonder how much of his anxiety is caused by the home environment. My dd doesn't sound as physically aggressive as your son but verbally she will really go to town on him especially if she's having a meltdown. She's in such a high state of anxiety all the time with problems with demand avoidance and has several meltdowns a day where as my little guy is so placid. She terrifies him and he will run and hide.

 

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone xxx

[Aspiemumto1]

Hi there, sounds familiar to me too. My 16 year old daughter is verbally and physically aggressive at times to her 13 year old brother. I often have difficulty coping with this one too and sometimes separating them for a while is helpful. I tell my 13 year old not to antagonise her as he makes he worse and I tell her to go and calm down. Not very helpful I know but thats what I do.

[Sally44]

When they are not upset or angry, if you talked to them, would they understand how scared they are making their younger brothers or sisters feel?

 

Can you offer an immediate alternative eg. outside trampoline or punch bag in the shed. Going for a walk or jog or walking the dog - because they also need to find another way of letting of steam in an acceptable way.

 

Exercise in general can be very useful in stabilising moods. So is there anything they could do on a regular basis?

 

Have you tried asking the Parent Partnership. Often they have lots of information they can provide you with about local services.

 

And you need to work on everyone agreeing that the system is going to be and what the punishment for breaking it will be. Otherwise you are going to have a house full of verbally abusive and violent teenagers with you in the middle upset and pulling your hair out.

 

With my son I explained it by showing him a picture with different paths on it. On one I showed something that typically upsets him and how he usually behaved with shouting, running away, hitting, throwing things and I showed what the end out come of that ALWAYS was, which is him upset, me angry, something withdrawn as a punishment, him not happy, etc. The other path showed the same trigger, but showed him other options such as hitting his punch bag, bouncing on his trampette, shouting a word that was not rude, telling me how upset he was without being rude etc and I showed the outcome, him calmer and recovering quicker, him happier and getting on with stuff he liked, me happy etc. So now I can quickly remind him "which path are you going to go down", and he chooses what he calls the "happy path".

 

I know this is somewhat simplistic. But it is all about cause and effect isn't it, and if you can get that message across so that they show a different behaviour and get a different effect and can see the BENEFIT TO THEM, then they are more likely to adopt it.

Edited May 2, 2012 by Sally44

[Annea]

Hello there,

I really empathise with you as this has happened in my family over many years. My eldest daughter once threw her sister down stairs!

 

For years we never got any help at all. Then two years ago I was asked by my autistc daughters social worker why we didnt see the carers social worker. They explained that the non autistic children are classed as carers to their siblings (as well as me as I have an illness) Since then my middle daughter and son(who is actually being assessed for ASD now) have been going to regular weekly meetings where they get to chill with other carers, they go on outings and sleep overs and generally do get some respite from it all.

 

Your son is very impressionable and you have a right to help with this! Somtimes we have to get quite stroppy to get what we need as resources everywhere are so scarce. I wish you luck but would definitely ask social services if there is a similar help in your area.

x

[asdinit]

Oh it's so sad isn't it that we all have these problems with the little ones. My youngest (he's 6) has developed anxiety related problems too - stammering, chewing clothes, crying, whining, nightmares etc...........it's awful to watch isn't it

 

Have you tried Sibs ? There's a great deal of info on their website that may help.

 

I'm seriously thinking about somehow making a safe area somewhere in the house where my youngest can go when M kicks off so that M can't get to him but I don't really think that's the answer or practical come to that so I'm at a bit of a loss with it right now. I do like Sally's 'choose your path' idea - that sounds really good. Unfortunately M (he's 8) won't be able to comprehend that method just yet but it's definitely something I'll try in the future.

 

We have an charity run organisation down south that has a club especially for siblings once a week that my youngest is starting tomorrow. Only siblings of disabled children can attend (the majority of those attending have ASD siblings) and they encourage the children to talk about their siblings and the difficulties they have with them - it's kind of like a download session but done in a fun way with lots of fun activities involved. I'm hoping this will help him as I've been to my GP about the issues he's having and she's referred him to SALT with a view to possibly referring him to CAMHS at some point in the future.

[asdinit]

This is an example of one of the things on the Sibs site for helping siblings (you can find it at http://www.sibs.org.uk/professionals/activities-sibling-support/coping-strategies/sibling-stars):

 

 

Sibling Stars

Purpose

This end of year craft activity encourages a siblings to acknowledge his/her strengths and achievements.

You will need

Star templates prepared in advance

Coloured Card

Scissors

Decorating materials – pens, glitter, feathers etc

Thin ribbon/ wool

Hole punch

How to do it

There may be obvious events such as passing an exam or scoring a winning goal. However for many siblings some of their day to day activities will have required extra effort - such as getting to school every day when they have been kept awake, joining a new club, keeping a brother company when he had treatment, telling parents what is on their mind, teaching a sister to say a new word etc.

The sibling creates lots of stars by drawing around the template and cutting out the shapes. He/she then decorates one side of the shapes. On the reverse of each star the sibling writes down one thing that he/she is proud of. Punch a hole in the top, thread through the ribbon to make a loop and then hang them around the room or from a tree.

Encourage the sibling to make as many stars as possible. The sibling puts the stars in a visible place at home so they can then become a talking point within the family and a reminder for parents and others to offer compliments.

Thank you to Lesley Dougan, LD team sibling group, Wirral CAMHS Division, for this activity.

[loulou]

Thanks everyone, i will try sibs. My little one's school are going to make a referral to CAMHS, although i'm not very optimisic as the waiting list is about 2 years! His teacher said he's a very "needy" little boy. When i told her what he endures from his AS brother she cried. Hopefully she now has a better understanding of him and that he's not just naughty.

I feel so sorry for him, he's such a little sweetie.

Loulou xx

[Hillie]

Oh I hear you! It is my middle one who is under CAMHS and being out forward for an ADOS. She tried to stab my 5 year old in the back with a pair of scissors last week and my eldest one is stressed out with her behaviour and struggling to cope. It might be worth checking with your local National Autistic Society branch. I know there used to be a sbilings support group near me but I am trying to find out whether it is still running... plus we don't have a confirmed diagnosis yet and so I don't know whether we would be able to access it. The NAS produce some nice story books for siblings too.