Concentrating on developing skills

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

For a long time I have felt very ambitious about learning. I have wanted to learn many things, and things associated with my interests. I think a problem I am having is with my sensory processing disorder (SPD). I try to focus on learning Japanese, but I get so distracted by my Japanese music. Is it due to my SPD? Also has anyone got any strategies in how to focus on a subject to learn, without being distracted from what you want to learn, especially a language?

 

I am so unsure about a lot of things, that’s why I thought to ask this forum. I will take on any advice given and try to see if they may work. I do not want to repel anyone’s ideas; I am just trying to meld each into a more suitable approach. Each piece of advice could be vital, in finding the total answer that suits me. If you have any advice, please don’t worry about talking to me, I am more worried if you don’t. My mind is in such chaos, I’m sorry, .

 

Thank you for replying to my previous threads, , I know I can be hard to talk to, but I feel so alone that every response is something useful to me, it really is. I am sorry if I have pushed anyone away in my responses, . My mind always tortures me if I make anyone feel bad.

[Nickay12]

Maybe you could try a stimulant like Ritalin.

If you ask your psychiatrist I'm sure they will be able to relay a message onto your GP to put you on a trial.

 

That's the only advice I can think of..

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

I think I’ll add this to my profile: In 2002, I was diagnosed with severe OCD by a clinical psychologist. There was then a talk of whether I had learning difficulties, possibly autism. I then had three assessments with a speech and language therapist, those reports then went forward to a consultant psychiatrist. In May 2004, I had an emotional breakdown at school. In the summer holidays of 2004, my mum got IPSEA involved because she wanted to have a statement of special educational needs. As a result, IPSEA paid for a full independent assessment from an educational psychologist and also a full assessment from an independent occupational therapist. All of those reports went to the consultant psychiatrist as well. In August 2004, I had an assessment with the consultant psychiatrist and four other psychologists altogether in the same room. As a result of that, I was diagnosed with ASD, quite possibly aspergers syndrome at the age of 14. However, due to the breakdown, and the terrible bullying experiences at school, I could no longer go back to school. So, I ‘shut my bedroom door’ physically and mentally to everyone, apart from my family, to the outside world. I was then home taught by tutors from behind my bedroom door for the next 5 and a half years. No psychiatrist ever came to the house to talk to me or see me, and I couldn’t go to their clinics. CAMHS and now CMHT, haven’t come anywhere near me to help me, and I very rarely see a GP and they keep changing at my practice anyway.

As I reached 19, my statement of special educational needs has ended and my tutors have left me, without education. I am hoping to continue but the 139a assessment document is causing a lot of problems.

 

I don’t think I have ADHD or ADD. I have never been a rough or hyper child in my life; I was always sensitive, and susceptible to being bullied. Isn’t Ritalin supposed to be taken if you have those conditions or Narcolepsy? If you mean to take it because of depression, I have always worried about taking medication, I worry about the side effects that might occur.

 

I thought aspergers syndrome and sensory processing disorder weren’t mental illnesses. They are neurological conditions, aren’t they?

 

Thank you for your advice, , but I don’t know if this will really help me as I don’t have ADHD, ADD or Narcolepsy.

Edited May 11, 2012 by Ichigo Kurosaki

[Nickay12]

Ritalin is used for ADHD and narcolepsy.. Predominately inattentive ADHD is much different to hyperactive ADHD.

It's symptoms are mainly distraction and inattentiveness (you don't need to be hyperactive) I'm not hyperactive and I take Ritalin. I give this advice because you say that you have difficulty focusing on learning while listening to music.. I too have great difficulty with reading, not because I'm dyslexic, but because I can't filter out different stimulus, I find myself reading the same sentence 40 or 50 times before I even realize..

 

I know how hard it is to learn without music because of sensory integration problems due to the surrounding environment.

 

I feel for your situation, I'm quite agoraphobic myself so I don't leave my house that much, but I want to beat it.

Educationally I'm quite similar to you, although I finished school publicly but I could never focus due to bullying and AS so I finished without any respectable grades.

So when I was 16, I was about 7 years behind my peers educationally, which sucked.. But books and Ritalin has helped me to learn while at home.

 

So I really know how hard it is to feel stuck behind walls without intervention. Do you have any help at all from psychiatrists or psychologists?

Edited May 12, 2012 by Nickay12

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

I think my older sister has dyslexia; she also has trouble with reading. I have not got dyslexia; I can read and write, it’s just that to keep me focused on a subject then music has always been my first choice. I can do most things while listening to music, writing for example, it is just that to learn a language I am finding listening to music in the process not to be working. I’m listening to music whilst writing this now, .

 

When I go down to my Oma’s (grandma’s in German) house I notice from mum and her talking and raising their voices is very distracting, so much so, that my music is my only escape. When I am at home, I seem to have an entertainment limit inside of me, I can get bored very quickly and immediately have to move to something else.

 

I am not totally housebound; it is mainly to those in authority positions, after my P.E teacher, who was also the head of year, interrogated me in the gym in amongst the other students. The shock of that has stayed with me, losing trust in authorities.

 

With the help of my speech and language therapist (SALT), being the invigilator, I managed to pass some GCSE exams from my living room with my mum present in the room. If I wasn’t able to do that, I think I would have had a great trouble even getting those exams. I also managed to pass a merit grade in web design and a distinction in photography, just before the tutors left. In school, I could barely cope with the work, when I was home tutored from behind my bedroom door, I could really tell the difference. I was learning much better, I could focus far more easily, now they are gone, having to learn by myself is like travelling back to school, and the difficulties I had there. There may not be other children distracting me, but the tutors were able to guide me down the right path.

 

When I have seen where my peer group are, it cuts deep in my heart. I cannot cope in the learning system that some of them are in, university, but I am so ambitious about learning that it still hurts inside.

 

No, the most a psychiatrist has done is come to the house to speak to me from behind my bedroom door and then leave, without coming again. They say I should be the one to build the relationship with them. They have not done anything to help me. How am I supposed to build the relationship with them, if they don’t come to me?

Edited May 12, 2012 by Ichigo Kurosaki

[chris54]

Having dyslexia does not mean you cant read or writs. I have dyslexia. I was long in learning to read, mainly because of the methods used to teach. When I was a child, dyslexia was not realy known. You were somehow expected to lean the alphabet, and from that be able to read.

 

That aside, my main problem these days is absorbing what it is I am reading, I have to read everything at least twice often three time before it is realy absorbed, also the rate at which I can read is much slower than the norm. I find reading aloud helps, but not always possible/practical. Not to bad with writing (Typing) but do get spelling blocks where I fine I have no idea how a word is spelt, not even enough to get spell checker to work it out for me. I find it easier to remember how to spell when using a key board, I think it may be that I remember the letter pattens on the keyboard, I only us 2 fingers, no point in learning proper tying as my brain would not work out the letter fast enough.

 

I find I absorb information much better from doing/seeing than from reading. If I am reading something it helps if I have first hand knowledge of the subject, then I can visualise what I am reading.

Edited May 12, 2012 by chris54

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

Chris54, I’m sorry, , I think I wrote before my mind thought it through. I am sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone in any way; it was just a misplaced meaning. Yes, my sister can read and write but she also finds it difficult to spell and read writing. I think even mum has problems with words; she can’t spell very well and has made many mistakes putting words with opposite meanings. She also finds it easier to read aloud, I don't think I have that problem, I can read without saying the words aloud. I am not all that bad with spelling, though to be honest, I do use spellchecker so that’s cheating, but I can’t spell perfectly. I also have some difficulties with spelling, but I think I am better than mum as she always asks me how to spell some words.

 

Hmm, I never really thought I had dyslexia, I suppose sometimes I also read some sentences more than once, but not always. Hmm, I don’t think I am as bad as my mum or sister though. Just because I am better at spelling and reading then them, would that still give me a chance of having dyslexia?

 

I have managed to read several books in the past; I didn’t find it too difficult though.

 

Through my old English home tutor, she said how well my writing has improved and even came out and said whether I should write a book. I think what I have done is pick up words some people have used and tried to implement it into my writing where I think it would be best. As I have said, I write far better when listening to music, I think it helps me concentrate. Is that a possible sign of dyslexia, but in concentration?

[chris54]

I did not take any offence, been around to long to let it bother me.

 

I was responding to you post, but also high lighting to the unknowing, how dyslexia affects me. Its not just not being unable to read.

 

I came from a family of good readers ( The females at least) My older sister could read from the age of 3, apparently self taught. She can read at a colossal rate. When she reads a book she can remember it almost word for word. When she was young, doing GCE, she never studied, just read the book the day before the exam and passed. She did not do FE as it had no interest to her.

 

So when you are compared to a sister like that, I was realy written of at a fairly young age. I had no, or very little reading ability when I went up to secondary school. It was only the pioneering work of a teacher who persuaded the council to let him/fund him to set up a unit in a derelict disused school that I attended for 2 years that I was able to learn to read. I don't think even then dyslexia was ever mentioned. But we were taught right from basics, up. I think now that many of the children had ASD, as there were classes made up of mixed age, but same problems. The aim was very much to get you to a standard to enable you to make progress in a mainstream school.

I'm not sure how people would react now, the building realy was derelict, paint peeling off walls, all second hand equipment, One end of the building was closed of and used as council offices of some sort. And most of the teacher were getting very near to retirement. (Been put out to grass).

 

But now I have gone way off topic, which seems to be something I am good at.

Edited May 12, 2012 by chris54

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

I have wanted to continue to learn but because the authorities have sent out a 139a document that I have to sign, there are constant inaccuracies with it, it keeps coming back wrong; I cannot sign something that is incorrect. My mum has tried to find help in order to get the document sorted out but it has been difficult finding the right help.

 

I think Dragon NaturallySpeaking could be a way of helping if you have dyslexia. If you start to use it, at the beginning you’d need to read some writing, but afterwards, it helps you by writing everything you have spoken on certain accepted programs like Microsoft word and emails. There is also a facility on there to read what is written if you highlight it. I don’t know if it could help you but it could be a good way of reading and writing.

[darkshine]

I know I can be hard to talk to, but I feel so alone that every response is something useful to me, it really is. I am sorry if I have pushed anyone away in my responses, . My mind always tortures me if I make anyone feel bad.

 

You aren't hard to talk to on here - I thought the same about myself and it made it even harder for people to talk to me cuz they had to cut through my extra stuff you know? I just wanted to say that I don't think you seem to be hard to talk to on here - maybe verbally we'd all have a problem but typing is easier? Are you starting to feel that way? That typing stuff to people is easier than having to deal with them being in the same room as you.

 

No, the most a psychiatrist has done is come to the house to speak to me from behind my bedroom door and then leave, without coming again. They say I should be the one to build the relationship with them. They have not done anything to help me. How am I supposed to build the relationship with them, if they don’t come to me?

 

I have agoraphobia - they very very rarely come to you - even with the agoraphobia they say "well if you want help you'll get to see us" and I am not the only person to have experienced that attitude - its ridiculous - but its the fact of the situation for people, psychologists and psychiatrists just seem to like sitting in offices.... maybe they have social probs too

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

darkshine, yeah, I think it is a combination of my high levels of anxiety topped with the fact that I am practically alone in the friend department, that old primary school friend I have only been contacting for a few weeks. I think I still feel alone. I don’t often write to people like this, so it is all new to me. I am so anxious about making a bad impression. It has always been difficult moving past that, with all that’s happened I think it may take time. Even then, I don’t want to get on anyone’s bad side so I think I will still be apologising. It feels like a never ending cycle. There are times I feel I need to find out something, but in the process I may make things worse by over worrying. That is something I am going through with this old primary school friend. She works in hairdressers and gets busy sometimes. I got worried since she didn’t reply for some time, and sent a second message; I think I may have rushed her as she wrote back straight away. She has reassured me that it was OK, so it has a bit less of an impact. I have been alone since school, so to be able to contact an old school friend after all this time feels strange. I’m not used to it.

 

Isn’t autism a neurological condition, not a mental one? Why would we need to see psychiatrists and psychologists?

 

Besides I think that psychiatrists and psychologists have special buttons in their offices that they don’t have when they are out of their offices. They feel vulnerable when they are in people’s homes, as they don’t have the security they have in their offices.

 

Those with autism are known to have difficulties with building relationships. It should be the psychiatrist or psychologist that should build the relationship with the person with autism, not the other way around.

[darkshine]

darkshine, yeah, I think it is a combination of my high levels of anxiety topped with the fact that I am practically alone in the friend department, that old primary school friend I have only been contacting for a few weeks. I think I still feel alone. I don’t often write to people like this, so it is all new to me. I am so anxious about making a bad impression. It has always been difficult moving past that, with all that’s happened I think it may take time. Even then, I don’t want to get on anyone’s bad side so I think I will still be apologising. It feels like a never ending cycle. There are times I feel I need to find out something, but in the process I may make things worse by over worrying. That is something I am going through with this old primary school friend. She works in hairdressers and gets busy sometimes. I got worried since she didn’t reply for some time, and sent a second message; I think I may have rushed her as she wrote back straight away. She has reassured me that it was OK, so it has a bit less of an impact. I have been alone since school, so to be able to contact an old school friend after all this time feels strange. I’m not used to it.

 

Isn’t autism a neurological condition, not a mental one? Why would we need to see psychiatrists and psychologists?

 

Besides I think that psychiatrists and psychologists have special buttons in their offices that they don’t have when they are out of their offices. They feel vulnerable when they are in people’s homes, as they don’t have the security they have in their offices.

 

Those with autism are known to have difficulties with building relationships. It should be the psychiatrist or psychologist that should build the relationship with the person with autism, not the other way around.

 

Aloneness is hard - but even using this forum is taking a step towards contact with people - it is a start - and we all start somewhere.

 

No autism isn't a mental condition - but sometimes there can be "mental health" conditions that exist alongside it - and they can sometimes be exacerbated by each other. I think also some of the traits of some autistic people can resemble mental health disorders and so the docs treat them in a similar way.

 

Psychiatrists and psychologists should totally be the ones making the first move to form a working relationship - I have met approx 10 psychologists and psychiatrists over the last 12 years (some briefly - others longer term) - and of those only 2 were willing to even make a minimal effort at bridging the gap - one psychologist and one psychiatrist - and even then the psychiatrist needs continual prompting from me or we wouldn't get anywhere!!

 

I have found that self-learning has been more effective and less harmful - but sometimes professional help is required if a person slumps too low.

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

darkshine, yes, talking on this forum is a start, and yes, typing on the computer is easier. The anxiety does still exist as I worry over whether I am understood, or offended anyone, even if I haven’t, I still worry over it, always have. Having anxiety over social interaction is always there, ever since I first entered school. It has just grown larger as I got older, as the repercussions in getting a negative result could affect me more now.

 

If they treat autistic people as having mental health disorders but we don’t then how would they be helping, aren’t they making things worse? If they treat it as a mental health problem, prescribe you drugs for social phobia and such then it really won’t solve anything will it, no? Drugs always carry added problems, side effects, long term effects and such; why not try to find strategies to help develop your social confidence than prescribing drugs that could make things worse?

 

Of course they have to be the ones making the first move, but once a care plan was sent to me that I didn’t even know about and it said if I didn’t build the relationship with the psychiatrist then they couldn’t help me. I couldn’t sign something like that; they have made no conscience effort to ever help me. One psychiatrist very briefly came and asked if I would work with him via the computer, I could barely hear him through the door but said yes. After that we never heard about him again. My mum had been many meetings involving psychiatrists and psychologists during the time of my statement but their promises to help came to absolutely nothing. They have all known about my position of being behind my bedroom door, but none of them ever made a move to help.

 

I find it hard to learn by myself, always have. It is very difficult; I have such a lack of focus, but then again, such an ambition to learn. It contradicts each other, but I am constantly faced with that fact. Is it because of my depression, or is it something else?

Edited May 16, 2012 by Ichigo Kurosaki

[darkshine]

I don't know what that is - about your question at the end - I feel very mixed myself, full of contradictions - and trying to balance that with how I perceive the social world is next to impossible. If I work that out - I'll let everyone know!

 

I don't even have an up-to-date care plan any more, I pushed for the last one and that must be getting on for 3 years ago now - the thing is - speaking for myself - I know I have mental health problems for example depression - this is not a symptom of AS - so I had hoped the mental health services could help with that - its complicated and I've spent the best part of the last year arguing the toss between what is AS and what is MH (mental health) and from what I gather they haven't got a clue.

 

I think your situation is a difficult one - that door has become not only a safety barrier for you - but its also become a physical barrier that makes it hard for you to break past that - I got to a point where I felt like I was having a fight with my front door (to the house) you see I widened the safety area to include the rest of the house first - now the front door is something I almost have to fight to go through. It will be difficult to get people to come out to you - do you stay in your room a lot of the time?

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

darkshine, When I was learning with my tutors from behind my bedroom door then I could focus far better on learning, now they’ve gone, my focus is broken. I want to learn as much as possible, but the difficulty is I get distracted very easily. So many things distract me, games, music, etc. I find that when it comes to writing, music is the best focusing tool. Learning other subjects like languages, music doesn’t work; I don’t know what to use to keep me focused.

 

With the comment that they haven’t got a clue, my mum agrees with it 100%, they haven’t got a clue. From what my mum sees on the internet, we aren’t the only ones that realise that they haven’t got a clue, there are hundreds of people out there who feel the same. Yeah, I think that as ASD affects us neurologically, technically that is the mind, and mental, is also mind, so therefore I suppose the two get mixed up a lot because they are based in the same place, the mind. It is just that ASD may affect us by genetics when mental illness may be caused by the situation you have gone through. I wonder whether depression really isn’t part of AS, not all may have it, but nevertheless our difficulties may make depression come from the anxieties we feel. I think that in my own situation, my anxiety in social situations, and the effects of time, has caused this depression I feel, those anxieties come from my AS, and therefore the depression comes from that. I think depression is like a follow-on condition.

 

I understand that it is difficult to understand the concept I have of being behind my bedroom door. I only stay behind my bedroom door when anyone official comes to the house be it, home tutors etc. If they need to come into my bedroom then I go down to my grandma’s. I don’t stay behind it 24/7, I do go around the house and outside but I don’t talk to anyone and basically only with my mum, but when it involves authority, then it’s behind my bedroom door.

Edited May 16, 2012 by Ichigo Kurosaki

[darkshine]

I can understand why the bedroom door helps - there's been hundred's of times I have wished the world would work that way. I too use music to help me concentrate, this especially confuses people when they hear me playing Nine Inch Nails at full blast while I sit on my bed and study psychology. I dabble in learning a language (badly - very badly) I want to learn it but I just cannot find my focus and I also found that music doesn't help... I think another person would - someone to talk to (even via a computer) would spark more interest to me - but how to find such people? I don't know - maybe finding forums... other than that substantial money would be required, I looked a while back and it was astronomical!!

 

I once had a debate on here about the neurological, mental, psychological nature of the brain/mind - it didn't go down that well it was to do with how the terms mental health, condition, disorder etc etc

 

Technically that could be a big discussion on its own - depression for example seems to "run" in some families, or rather some families seem to have a predisposition for it (I'm not sure about genetic links). Also things like whether anxiety is a separate condition (whether general anxiety or social anxiety or specific fears), then there's OCD, BPD (borderline personality disorder) which have similarities to certain levels of anxiety and depression and certain people with AS may present as having these conditions - is it AS or something else - god knows - and I haven't really gone that in-depth here but you get the gist how they overlaps?

 

I think the easy way of looking at side-issues of AS is this: Is the behaviour or thought or whatever causing a problem in your life or are you effecting other people negatively - if yes then look at it and see how to deal with that specific problem - with my mind its forever going "why? why? why? why? why?" it helps on rare occasions - other times it drives me nuts

 

The first thing I did was get stuff out of my head and when I'm stressed I still do it - I actually got to the point 3 years ago where I stopped writing the journal - I had nothing else to say to myself, after so many years of writing I finally said it all. Now I write the odd thing but only for a reason. Or I use the forum to talk to people. For me writing was like freedom. It was a beginning.

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

darkshine, hmm, so learning a language is a problem that I may not find an easy answer too. The most I could find were two things in learning languages, one (in Japanese) was games on the internet to help remember the symbols and the sounds, I tried that, it worked to some degree, but then I was quickly distracted shortly afterwards. I also found a website that you’d have to be on Skype to learn languages by talking to someone in their own country, with my anxiety and social difficulties that would feel impossible.

 

What I can’t understand is that we all experience anxiety and depression at some point, isn’t it human nature? We experience depression because of when our lives start to head down a dark path, everyone would feel that way, wouldn’t they? If someone had difficulties around talking to people as they are shy, isn’t that a form of anxiety? High levels of anxiety have been caused because of the social difficulties I have, therefore it is closely linked to my AS. The anxiety that is caused by my social difficulties produce depression, no?

 

When it comes to my OCD, I think that my SPD is so similar to OCD that it could be impossible to completely get rid of the OCD. I feel like the SPD would only regenerate a new form of OCD shortly afterwards. Not only that, but if someone were to help stop the OCD then they may not understand the difference of the SPD to the OCD and therefore make things worse. I can see that OCD and SPD mix to form a condition that feels greater. I need to wash my hands because of the SPD in my touch sense difficulty but I suppose it has become somewhat of a ritual/obsession therefore the OCD.

 

I always believe that the reason for the depression needs to be tackled to help solve it. If I can tackle the social depression by finding friends, then that kicks that side of the depression. If I can tackle the lack of education by finding a way of learning that I can cope with, then that takes care of another side. If I were to go to a psychiatrist all they may do is prescribe drugs to mask the depression, not find strategies to tackle the reason for the depression in the first place. I need to find strategies to find the solution not medication to mask it.

 

Writing is so much easier than speaking in person, it is very true, and the only real anxiety with talking online is if the other person can understand your writing or have been offended. I still have a lot to write about my past though, but I can understand that when it’s all finished you find you want to use your writing to speak on this forum. It is a good way of socialising when you can’t cope with face-to-face interaction. I, myself, feel it is much easier for me writing to my old primary school friend online then talking to her face-to-face.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Ichigo Kurosaki

[darkshine]

darkshine, hmm, so learning a language is a problem that I may not find an easy answer too. The most I could find were two things in learning languages, one (in Japanese) was games on the internet to help remember the symbols and the sounds, I tried that, it worked to some degree, but then I was quickly distracted shortly afterwards. I also found a website that you’d have to be on Skype to learn languages by talking to someone in their own country, with my anxiety and social difficulties that would feel impossible.

 

Hey, sorry it's taking me a while to respond - I have a serious backlog of things to do and have been trying to minimise it - with little success

 

I'm not sure whether there's a direct solution for the language thing - personally I struggle to maintain the level of interest it requires, I also do not like the idea of skype based learning

 

You get this thing sometimes where you get supreme focus and concentration? Well that's what I need for the languages to be learnt better.

 

In the mean time I think using as many methods as possible to learn is a good thing - listening, reading and visual methods - as well as practising pronunciation as its one thing hearing something correctly and a complete different thing to be able to reproduce that sound

 

I believe that if I had a friend who was into the same language as me then it would help as I could practice more with spoken language. This is unlikely...

 

 

 

What I can’t understand is that we all experience anxiety and depression at some point, isn’t it human nature? We experience depression because of when our lives start to head down a dark path, everyone would feel that way, wouldn’t they? If someone had difficulties around talking to people as they are shy, isn’t that a form of anxiety? High levels of anxiety have been caused because of the social difficulties I have, therefore it is closely linked to my AS. The anxiety that is caused by my social difficulties produce depression, no?

 

I think depression is human nature to a degree - and there can be many causes for it. But if we look at in terms of cause and effect then yes, the cause must be addressed in order to free the person from the depression.

 

But I have other ideas about depression - I think it is a state we go into in order to protect ourselves (unconsciously).

 

A couple of bad examples might help explain this

 

1. you know how when a moving object from above that is falling in the direction of a person causes them to cover their head with their hands?

 

2. If someone had a nasty bug they often stay in bed (cuz sleep can be a good fixer)?

 

Well I sometimes think depression works in a similar way, it slows people down, they lose interest, they withdraw themselves and don't feel happy. I think the purpose is to make the person aware that something isn't right and to put them into a barely functioning state as self preservation. It's hard to describe using text alone for some reason!

 

 

 

When it comes to my OCD, I think that my SPD is so similar to OCD that it could be impossible to completely get rid of the OCD. I feel like the SPD would only regenerate a new form of OCD shortly afterwards. Not only that, but if someone were to help stop the OCD then they may not understand the difference of the SPD to the OCD and therefore make things worse. I can see that OCD and SPD mix to form a condition that feels greater. I need to wash my hands because of the SPD in my touch sense difficulty but I suppose it has become somewhat of a ritual/obsession therefore the OCD.

 

I struggle with certain sensory issues but in the main I cope as long as I don't put myself into a large number of situations (as such life is limited and largely un-fulfilling).

 

I think things can be interlinked like that though - so much so that a person can end up with a highly mixed up mess of various issues, problems and conditions/disorders - as it is, I am currently trying to figure out my own mess and all I can say is that you can either live how you live, or you can start the battle of a life time and try to sort it all out - or I guess you could work on certain areas that are problematic for you and see where it leads.

 

 

I always believe that the reason for the depression needs to be tackled to help solve it. If I can tackle the social depression by finding friends, then that kicks that side of the depression. If I can tackle the lack of education by finding a way of learning that I can cope with, then that takes care of another side. If I were to go to a psychiatrist all they may do is prescribe drugs to mask the depression, not find strategies to tackle the reason for the depression in the first place. I need to find strategies to find the solution not medication to mask it.

 

Yes, I think so too, there's no point ignoring it or repressing it - its best to be dealt with. And as you have shown here, logical thinking can supply some answers, it can show some routes to try.

 

And as you point out - better than being dosed up on meds - but not all psychiatrists do that - they can't force you to take them - but maybe you have worries like I had? I was scared that they would lock me up and take that choice away... A good psychiatrist should work through things with people but the term psychiatrist is becoming synonymous with "pill pusher" - I've found that psychologists are better suited for guiding people through their problems, they use methods that are a little broader and more open than psychiatry has...

 

 

 

Writing is so much easier than speaking in person, it is very true, and the only real anxiety with talking online is if the other person can understand your writing or have been offended. I still have a lot to write about my past though, but I can understand that when it’s all finished you find you want to use your writing to speak on this forum. It is a good way of socialising when you can’t cope with face-to-face interaction. I, myself, feel it is much easier for me writing to my old primary school friend online then talking to her face-to-face.

 

I can understand you, and so far you haven't said anything offensive

 

Writing does have a lots of pluses - but its nice when you find the occasional person who is easier to talk to - doesn't happen often though and as such the internet word of written communication is a great option (better than sitting alone with nobody - like I did before I found out about forums and stuff)

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

darkshine, when it comes to listening, reading and visual, then this website with games, or drill exercises (a, b and c with 10 levels), for hiragana and katakana, would be my best bet. (http://japanese-less...01.html#writing). I may have got distracted but, it seems the best method in some respects. I just need to find some of my own supreme focus and concentration, , probably easier said than done, but nevertheless, I’ll have to try again. Memory is my biggest problem; I am not too bad a pronunciation, after all I hear my music, and watch animé in Japanese with English subtitles enough times to gather more or less how to pronounce some of the symbols anyway. I have learnt some Japanese already, but it is only passing words, from the animé, such as, thank you = arigatou, yes = hai, sky = sora, etc. It is just that with the symbols, memory plays a huge key. I have remembered some of the Hiragana symbols, but not all. I suppose I should try printing out some flash cards maybe. I have printed practice writing sheets already, but, lol, I can’t drag myself to them, ah, I’m hopeless, no willpower, . I think it could be the daunting aspect of when kanji comes up, wow, I think the basic amount to learn is 2000, and that’s how many I need to remember. It is a daunting prospect, and I think it puts me off, . I do want to learn, but I always see the big picture, I find it very difficult to start at the bottom and make my way up, the kanji side makes the hiragana and katakana seem like they’re at a baby’s level.

 

Well, to have someone to help practice a language may help, especially if they knew the language already, but that may be unlikely, . I have never tried myself so I can’t confirm.

 

I am aware of the depression, but it is difficult to shake away. When you have a cold and you sleep, it only takes days to treat. When you cover your head, it is a jerk reaction that may or may not work. When it comes to depression, being in that low functioning state makes it hard to operate. Dealing with the reason for the depression is like lying in bed to sleep, it is finding the symptoms (reasons for depression) to find the cure (the chances, or possible options that need to be found to tackle the reasons). If you can find the chances, or possible options that tackle those reasons (for example education, social situations and making a success of life), then it may help slowly solve some of the depression in time. I think a problem may be if you’ve lived with depression for a long time and you have found some light, maybe there could be a fear of slipping from the path, back into the darkness again, starting the depressing cycle again. Coming onto this site, and talking to my old primary school friend are tackling the social depression, but somewhere inside, I fear it could go wrong and I’ll end up alone again, and I feel so different contacting people now that I am not used to it. The negative thoughts are always there because of my analytical mind. Reassurance and encouragement does help, but I think it is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

Yes, I have tried my best to cope with the OCD & SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) fusion as best as I can. It is mighty difficult, and drives my mum mad, . It is hard to cope with for all involved, including myself. I am always on the lookout for more strategies. In the long thread, , ‘SPD/OCD and a weird experience’, I explain in a long set of paragraphs my difficulties. I don’t think I should have done that as it is too overloading, . I don’t think anyone can condense it. I really should have held back on that one. I have come up with various strategies of my own, but even with that it is difficult. It is certainly not easy to live with, by any means.

 

Could my lack of focus and concentration be due to the depression?

 

I have heard about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), I have done some research online. It appears it is finding techniques in dealing with some problems, but from what I have seen they are a short number of sessions that I don’t think would really get to the main issues.

 

Thank you, , and yes, it does help when someone reassures me. I think over time though it might wear off, it feels like a perk that lifts you up one minute but the next you feel all the worries start to creep back up again. I feel like it never lasts for long. Sitting alone does cause the depression to fluctuate, it’s true. I did know about forums, but I was both looking for the right one (one from the UK, where adults with ASD were writing just as much as parents) and also trying to build up the courage. Now that I am writing on a forum, it is good, and it could hopefully open up new friendships, ideas, advice, etc. Writing on somewhere like this can really open up the communication possibilities, but I suppose it depends on how strong the person’s anxieties are.

Edited May 20, 2012 by Ichigo Kurosaki

[darkshine]

darkshine, when it comes to listening, reading and visual, then this website with games, or drill exercises (a, b and c with 10 levels), for hiragana and katakana, would be my best bet. (http://japanese-less...01.html#writing). I may have got distracted but, it seems the best method in some respects. I just need to find some of my own supreme focus and concentration, , probably easier said than done, but nevertheless, I’ll have to try again. Memory is my biggest problem; I am not too bad a pronunciation, after all I hear my music, and watch animé in Japanese with English subtitles enough times to gather more or less how to pronounce some of the symbols anyway. I have learnt some Japanese already, but it is only passing words, from the animé, such as, thank you = arigatou, yes = hai, sky = sora, etc. It is just that with the symbols, memory plays a huge key. I have remembered some of the Hiragana symbols, but not all. I suppose I should try printing out some flash cards maybe. I have printed practice writing sheets already, but, lol, I can’t drag myself to them, ah, I’m hopeless, no willpower, . I think it could be the daunting aspect of when kanji comes up, wow, I think the basic amount to learn is 2000, and that’s how many I need to remember. It is a daunting prospect, and I think it puts me off, . I do want to learn, but I always see the big picture, I find it very difficult to start at the bottom and make my way up, the kanji side makes the hiragana and katakana seem like they’re at a baby’s level.

 

Well, to have someone to help practice a language may help, especially if they knew the language already, but that may be unlikely, . I have never tried myself so I can’t confirm.

 

 

Hi Ichigo,

 

I spent some time having a look at that website you linked - it seems a good way to start - the problem I have is that once I've learnt a bunch of words I then want to jump to the next level and be able to have a proper conversation - which I struggle with verbally in English at times so why I think this will miraculously change if I learn another language is beyond me... who knows... maybe it will be different

 

You've made life harder by liking one of the most complex languages with a much larger alphabet and different range of sounds.

 

Flash cards are a good idea - but even better would be to label objects (either in reality or by drawing/photographing items and storing them in a book) so you see the word and the object and make associations between them.

 

Another thing you could do is to see if the shapes of the Japanese written language remind you of the thing they mean, are there patterns to create rules etc...

 

This simple tips guide gives some other ideas...

 

http://matadornetwork.com/abroad/10-essential-tips-for-learning-japanese/

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am aware of the depression, but it is difficult to shake away. When you have a cold and you sleep, it only takes days to treat. When you cover your head, it is a jerk reaction that may or may not work. When it comes to depression, being in that low functioning state makes it hard to operate. Dealing with the reason for the depression is like lying in bed to sleep, it is finding the symptoms (reasons for depression) to find the cure (the chances, or possible options that need to be found to tackle the reasons). If you can find the chances, or possible options that tackle those reasons (for example education, social situations and making a success of life), then it may help slowly solve some of the depression in time. I think a problem may be if you’ve lived with depression for a long time and you have found some light, maybe there could be a fear of slipping from the path, back into the darkness again, starting the depressing cycle again. Coming onto this site, and talking to my old primary school friend are tackling the social depression, but somewhere inside, I fear it could go wrong and I’ll end up alone again, and I feel so different contacting people now that I am not used to it. The negative thoughts are always there because of my analytical mind. Reassurance and encouragement does help, but I think it is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

I found some light and afterwards everything has seemed worse...

 

I'm still here though.... in this world, on this forum, I'm not dead yet...

 

 

 

 

Yes, I have tried my best to cope with the OCD & SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) fusion as best as I can. It is mighty difficult, and drives my mum mad, . It is hard to cope with for all involved, including myself. I am always on the lookout for more strategies. In the long thread, , ‘SPD/OCD and a weird experience’, I explain in a long set of paragraphs my difficulties. I don’t think I should have done that as it is too overloading, . I don’t think anyone can condense it. I really should have held back on that one. I have come up with various strategies of my own, but even with that it is difficult. It is certainly not easy to live with, by any means.

 

Could my lack of focus and concentration be due to the depression?

 

I just looked - only one reply... I think you did write a lot and it could put some people off - to be honest I'm surprised you haven't had more replies.... I did read your post when you first put it up and I left it alone because I haven't a clue how to answer your question (and to be honest I just couldn't face going into my own sensory issues at that time either - or this time for that matter too

 

For what its worth I think your question being at the bottom might have been part of the issue - if some people couldn't handle all that text they wouldn't have even seen your question.

 

When its a complex scenario like that one - on both SPD and OCD - I sometimes write the question and only the question - and then when people start replying I will add detail later on - people then say some things and you think of more things and you might get some good ideas... Can't explain it better as I use my own judgement when I post things as to whether it needs to be clear or long or short or whatever...

 

You focus can be effected by depression - mine is!!

 

 

 

 

I have heard about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), I have done some research online. It appears it is finding techniques in dealing with some problems, but from what I have seen they are a short number of sessions that I don’t think would really get to the main issues.

 

I think your current approach of learning about all this stuff is the best start - CBT is often relatively short - and when you feel you need expert help and guidance as a reliable thing - the way the current mental health services operate, can make a person feel very uneasy and misunderstood

 

Finding your main problems is like working on certain math problems, you see how many times you can reduce certain things to certain groups to find the actual key root causes.

 

Thank you, , and yes, it does help when someone reassures me. I think over time though it might wear off, it feels like a perk that lifts you up one minute but the next you feel all the worries start to creep back up again. I feel like it never lasts for long. Sitting alone does cause the depression to fluctuate, it’s true. I did know about forums, but I was both looking for the right one (one from the UK, where adults with ASD were writing just as much as parents) and also trying to build up the courage. Now that I am writing on a forum, it is good, and it could hopefully open up new friendships, ideas, advice, etc. Writing on somewhere like this can really open up the communication possibilities, but I suppose it depends on how strong the person’s anxieties are.

 

No, reassurance and encouragement aren't permanent - unfortunately (if only it were that simple) but I guess its about finding other things too - confidence and self-worth and independence for example

 

I'm glad you think talking on here is good - and you could be right - it could open up new possibilities - but the important thing to recognise is that its you doing that - its you creating that opportunity.

 

Best wishes

 

Darkshine

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

darkshine, well, , Japanese animation is very entertaining and as I like it so much, I thought, “Why not learn the language; it would make it so much easier to understand if I did”. Yes, it isn’t an easy language to learn, but I wasn’t really focusing on the difficulty level, more the passion I have in the entertainment that flows out of Japan, . I can’t help my interest, . It is just that through playing the games, watching animé and such, I have grown to want to learn it. Talking to people in Japanese won’t be any different, I didn't want to learn so that communications would be easier, it is because I want to understand Japanese being spoken, not necessarily to have a conversation in Japanese.

 

Thank you for the useful tips, but, some of those tips on the website are a lot harder than others, , but another thing to keep in mind is that I think I need to learn the Japanese symbol alphabet before I learn words. On the first comment of that website someone says that I need to ignore the romanji translated Japanese (such as sora, arigatou etc. Basically words translated into English sounding words) as if you were to see Japan then there wouldn't be romanji translated text, it would all be symbols. This is why I need to learn the symbols, do the hard part before the easier, that is the problem I am having, but it is something that would need to be learnt. Saying that I need supervision in order to learn the hiragana, katakana and kanji to get the strokes correct, , a little easier said than done, since I don’t have someone to look over them, . Finding someone Japanese to talk to, I don’t know how I’d find them, . Going to the country, well, that is a lot harder than it sounds, I haven’t even traveled across to Wales or Scotland as I am too worried about sleeping in hotels due to my sensory processing disorder, , never mind about the food in Japan. I can see the importance of the tips in the list, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as that to even achieve some of the tips, .

 

Finding light, well, have you pursued the light, or is it the worry of being on edge feeling like it could change any minute? Or do you mean you found light but it seemed too impossible to reach?

 

About the SPD/OCD thread, yeah, I’ll try to use that tip in the future, lol, it is easier said than done since there can be a lot to explain, but I was worried I sent too much. I think what I did as well was pair up some writing I had written before and melded it together to get my difficulties across, now I feel like I sent a tidal wave over, , sorry .

 

Yes, I can see what you’re saying that depression dictates your focus, and yes that happens to me too, . Sorry about that, . I’ll try to condense my threads a little more in the future, .

 

Root causes, yes well, the root causes of my depression would be a mixture of a lot of the things in that list that you stated in your previous message. It is because of things like that that I feel this way, social, education, success of life, all play a huge key in the depression, so then those are the root causes and as I said before writing on this forum and to that friend try to tackle one, another way would be trying to build up for a book, and as for education, that may take a little longer, . As for anxiety, that’s a tricky one, it is hard to control, some people would say the more times you experience something the less anxious it would make you feel, well, I think it may take quite a long time for that to happen, . As for recognising social interaction subtleties, it may be about how many times I notice it, or if not, I’m really not sure.

 

Living with depression makes confidence and self-worth seem impossible. The thing is that when you have depression it feels like the world is against you, I cannot shake that fact; it is part of the depressing cycle. One thing I do know is that the government is against us, but when it comes to basically trying to cope in everyday life, and then it only gets harder when depression is holding you back. Acting positively is exactly like lying to myself like you saying it is difficult to respond to “How are you?”, you know you don’t feel alright, and you don’t want to lie. Depression may exist but so does the systems powerful and merciless arms ready to crush you with their not ASD trained claws. Independence feels even harder on so many levels, and a support worker is like basically like trying to get used to a complete stranger, that is a lot harder than it sounds, and on top of that they will be constantly changing making that even harder still. This is beyond my capabilities, I know what I can deal with so much, and I know when I would break.

 

Yes, it is me building the confidence to write on here, but again I do need to reconfirm what I have written with my mum, just to be safe than sorry. My difficulties don’t just spawn from building the confidence to write, it is also the confidence to accept what I have written as well, .

 

Best wishes

 

Ichigo

[darkshine]

darkshine, well, , Japanese animation is very entertaining and as I like it so much, I thought, “Why not learn the language; it would make it so much easier to understand if I did”. Yes, it isn’t an easy language to learn, but I wasn’t really focusing on the difficulty level, more the passion I have in the entertainment that flows out of Japan, . I can’t help my interest, . It is just that through playing the games, watching animé and such, I have grown to want to learn it. Talking to people in Japanese won’t be any different, I didn't want to learn so that communications would be easier, it is because I want to understand Japanese being spoken, not necessarily to have a conversation in Japanese.

Ichigo

 

I understand - I have a friend who was and still is totally obsessed with manga stuff - we like what we like at the end of the day

 

 

 

Thank you for the useful tips, but, some of those tips on the website are a lot harder than others, , but another thing to keep in mind is that I think I need to learn the Japanese symbol alphabet before I learn words. On the first comment of that website someone says that I need to ignore the romanji translated Japanese (such as sora, arigatou etc. Basically words translated into English sounding words) as if you were to see Japan then there wouldn't be romanji translated text, it would all be symbols. This is why I need to learn the symbols, do the hard part before the easier, that is the problem I am having, but it is something that would need to be learnt. Saying that I need supervision in order to learn the hiragana, katakana and kanji to get the strokes correct, , a little easier said than done, since I don’t have someone to look over them, . Finding someone Japanese to talk to, I don’t know how I’d find them, . Going to the country, well, that is a lot harder than it sounds, I haven’t even traveled across to Wales or Scotland as I am too worried about sleeping in hotels due to my sensory processing disorder, , never mind about the food in Japan. I can see the importance of the tips in the list, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as that to even achieve some of the tips, .

 

 

I think as far as tips go - you have to go with what you think will work for you

 

There are some websites that offer sort of exchange type things but done over the internet - you'd need someone who is really good at English and loves teaching their own language - dunno if such a person exists - you could look I guess...

 

And that's why I won't go to Japan either

 

I think you will learn it if you really want to - even if it takes you a lifetime - if you love it as much as you say you do then I totally believe you will learn enough to get by at the very least.

 

Immersion techniques (like watching stuff or listening to it) are a good way of keeping up the enthusiasm - have you looked to see if there's any podcasts on itunes with Japanese music or people reading stuff or saying stuff?

 

 

 

Finding light, well, have you pursued the light, or is it the worry of being on edge feeling like it could change any minute? Or do you mean you found light but it seemed too impossible to reach?

 

 

I mean I found better times where stuff felt easy for the first time and I could do a bunch of stuff I can't do now (like go out, or interact), and then everything just fell apart after a short time and its never been anywhere near that good since.

 

 

 

About the SPD/OCD thread, yeah, I’ll try to use that tip in the future, lol, it is easier said than done since there can be a lot to explain, but I was worried I sent too much. I think what I did as well was pair up some writing I had written before and melded it together to get my difficulties across, now I feel like I sent a tidal wave over, , sorry .

 

That's ok, it isn't easy to know stuff without a bit of trial and error, just try again (that's my motto of the day) It isn't your fault that every person can't cope with all the info at once - but it is a good thing to practice how to say things in different ways - it helps your own knowledge too

 

 

 

Yes, I can see what you’re saying that depression dictates your focus, and yes that happens to me too, . Sorry about that, . I’ll try to condense my threads a little more in the future, .

 

There is no need to apologise - I wasn't criticising you - just trying to give you a possible explanation - look at it like this.... if more people talk to you then there's a better chance for you to say more things with people reading them - instead of not really getting much of an answer - not everyone is like me where I'll sit and type all this out and even I have to find the right amount of time to do it - I don't even know if you are still coming here cuz its took me so long (I had my parents visit and a lot of stuff to do).

 

 

 

Root causes, yes well, the root causes of my depression would be a mixture of a lot of the things in that list that you stated in your previous message. It is because of things like that that I feel this way, social, education, success of life, all play a huge key in the depression, so then those are the root causes and as I said before writing on this forum and to that friend try to tackle one, another way would be trying to build up for a book, and as for education, that may take a little longer, . As for anxiety, that’s a tricky one, it is hard to control, some people would say the more times you experience something the less anxious it would make you feel, well, I think it may take quite a long time for that to happen, . As for recognising social interaction subtleties, it may be about how many times I notice it, or if not, I’m really not sure.

 

If it was a brick wall of problems what would you do? You have few tools right now because you are starting your journey in life... I guess the only way is brick at a time - each problem is a brick - a real, solid, rock hard brick, they are very real, but if you solve the problem of each brick at a time one day part of the wall can be gone.

 

Some people view life like a jigsaw puzzle and as you learn you get more pieces and make bits of the picture - the hope is that one day when you get older you see more of the picture and life starts to make sense - I am not there yet, maybe I will let you know...

 

 

Living with depression makes confidence and self-worth seem impossible. The thing is that when you have depression it feels like the world is against you, I cannot shake that fact; it is part of the depressing cycle. One thing I do know is that the government is against us, but when it comes to basically trying to cope in everyday life, and then it only gets harder when depression is holding you back. Acting positively is exactly like lying to myself like you saying it is difficult to respond to “How are you?”, you know you don’t feel alright, and you don’t want to lie. Depression may exist but so does the systems powerful and merciless arms ready to crush you with their not ASD trained claws. Independence feels even harder on so many levels, and a support worker is like basically like trying to get used to a complete stranger, that is a lot harder than it sounds, and on top of that they will be constantly changing making that even harder still. This is beyond my capabilities, I know what I can deal with so much, and I know when I would break.

 

Depression can also distort your thinking and make everything seem much worse than it is - but you know what? I think it can be beaten - I think depression can go away - don't know how yet - but I believe it can be defeated...

 

 

 

Yes, it is me building the confidence to write on here, but again I do need to reconfirm what I have written with my mum, just to be safe than sorry. My difficulties don’t just spawn from building the confidence to write, it is also the confidence to accept what I have written as well, .

 

You should keep building your confidence and exploring your world - even if you have to use the internet to do it - it is a start.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

I understand - I have a friend who was and still is totally obsessed with manga stuff - we like what we like at the end of the day

 

darkshine

 

On the outside animé/manga may look like cartoons on the surface but when you find the right one then you can understand why it is entertaining, it is not as childish as people think it is. Animé/manga suits a varying audience, there can be child-like animé/manga but there can also be animé/manga suiting a more teenage audience and sometimes even older. On Facebook, the most age range of people that like the Neo magazine that I read about animé/manga is around 18-24 so I fit neatly into that age range. Besides, looks can be deceiving animé/manga can have some interesting meanings.

 

Naruto and Naruto Shippuden are just two examples, there is comedy, but underneath all that you see that the main character, Naruto, was alone and alienated (I can relate to that from school) and treated like a monster that people wished to avoid because of this ‘fox spirit’ inside of him. So Naruto chose to be a class clown in order to fight back against the glares that they gave him. He wanted to become a ninja in order to prove to the world the type of person he was, to prove that he could become the leader of their village. Throughout the story it tells of the harsh realities of that world and the wars that had occurred in its past and lives that were lost. There are characters that die and have an emotional affect to the other characters that were close to them, so there is a lot more feeling than how it looks on the surface. As they say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, and animé/manga is exactly like that.

 

I think as far as tips go - you have to go with what you think will work for you

 

There are some websites that offer sort of exchange type things but done over the internet - you'd need someone who is really good at English and loves teaching their own language - dunno if such a person exists - you could look I guess...

 

And that's why I won't go to Japan either

 

I think you will learn it if you really want to - even if it takes you a lifetime - if you love it as much as you say you do then I totally believe you will learn enough to get by at the very least.

 

Immersion techniques (like watching stuff or listening to it) are a good way of keeping up the enthusiasm - have you looked to see if there's any podcasts on itunes with Japanese music or people reading stuff or saying stuff?

 

Yes, I could work on the tips that are easier to achieve and work through that. Thank you for the advice, . I just need to try to focus my mind on achieving them next, , some are already being done, the listening to Japanese music being one of them.

 

I will keep a look out on iTunes for any podcasts of interest. Yes, there are some free podcasts I’ve noticed that look interesting, but as I’ve said learning the symbols will be a different story. Podcasts that may help learn the hiragana, katakana, and kanji symbols could be a help, if I find them, . I’ll give some of them more of a closer look and see what I can find, I’m already beginning to download a couple that look interesting, but unfortunately one set of videos has poor sound quality and the video keeps freezing for a couple of seconds, which is very annoying. I’ll keep searching though, I may eventually come across something a bit more interesting, but I am looking for free ones, not paying. Though I can imagine that would be difficult seeing as though most of the free ones tend to be simple travel Japanese, which isn’t really going to help me learn enough.

 

Finding someone Japanese that can speak really good English, now that’s tricky as I have no idea how I can contact anyone like that. As this is the biggest step I’ve taken to talk online, that seems a big jump. Besides, how would I contact them, and where, if you mean that website I mentioned using Skype, I already explained how difficult that would be. Do you mean to try talking to a pen friend from Japan?

 

Yeah, as I like Japanese music and watch most animé in Japanese with English subtitles I try to pick up some words here and there, I cannot pick them all up; it is just the passing word. I say to myself, “Ah, so that’s where they say ‘alright’, ‘sky’, ‘goodbye’, ‘thank you’, ‘hurry up’” and such. Learning Japanese is something I have thought about ever since I became interested in animé/manga, so yeah, in time I may pick it up more easily, but as you said, immersing myself in Japanese things, anime/manga, music, and such are Japanese anyway so that is something I guess. I need to keep my ears and eyes peeled and more importantly, my memory in check, .

 

I mean I found better times where stuff felt easy for the first time and I could do a bunch of stuff I can't do now (like go out, or interact), and then everything just fell apart after a short time and its never been anywhere near that good since.

 

To lose the ability to do certain things like to go out or interacting, yes, in that case, I think I know what you mean.

 

For me, back at school, in primary I was practically alone, yet just in the last year began talking to someone that didn’t seem hostile, that old primary school friend. She didn’t go to the same secondary school as me, but luckily I managed to find someone else that I became friends with, it didn’t help bullying matters at all, but the fact that I had a friend was important to me.

 

Unfortunately, when all hell broke loose as I ended up having that emotional breakdown, that bond went through some rough turbulence. He came around to my house and brought a birthday present, I was too shocked over what happened at school, and I couldn’t see him. Over time I regretted not seeing him, but what was even worse was that I forgot his contact details. I began to feel scared about contacting him, and only recently after talking to that old primary school friend, saw that secondary school friend on Facebook. After talking to that old primary school friend I had built a little courage to try writing to the other friend. I did only a couple of days ago, but in truth, I am in fear that he would reject my apology. I am frighteningly awaiting either nothing, or a hateful reply. So the idea that you once had that ability and now it is gone, I understand fully. Writing to that friend from primary school has started to grow a small amount of social confidence to come onto here, and send that message to the secondary school friend. Although, I have a funny feeling that that last one may be a mistake as I could very well be kicked in the face instead. The primary school friend was already friends with my mum on Facebook so that was easier, but the secondary school friend, hmm, that is a tricky one, a very tricky one.

 

That's ok, it isn't easy to know stuff without a bit of trial and error, just try again (that's my motto of the day) It isn't your fault that every person can't cope with all the info at once - but it is a good thing to practice how to say things in different ways - it helps your own knowledge too

 

When it comes down to the volume of writing I write, it is always about the strong emotional feelings I have about the subject, either to put my point of view across, talk about interests and such. It is difficult to control as I hardly even talk to many people online anyway, so I tend to overload with a lot of detail that I feel needs to be explained.

 

Condensing what I write is both difficult for me and my mum; we both end up writing a large amount, it must be genetic, . I suppose I could try splitting this message up into smaller portions. I don’t know if that helps but I’m willing to try if more people would be able to write to me.

 

There is no need to apologise - I wasn't criticising you - just trying to give you a possible explanation - look at it like this.... if more people talk to you then there's a better chance for you to say more things with people reading them - instead of not really getting much of an answer - not everyone is like me where I'll sit and type all this out and even I have to find the right amount of time to do it - I don't even know if you are still coming here cuz its took me so long (I had my parents visit and a lot of stuff to do).

 

Yes, I can completely understand that time to type long replies is something people find difficult. If my tutors were back teaching me, then I don’t think I would have even written on here in the first place. If they were still teaching me then the time that would be available to me would be extremely limited. The concept of writing to people on here is so alien to me, but I have improved my writing skills so much by my old home tutor that combined with my feelings, writing is like an explosion inside of me.

 

As talking to people online can tackle some of my depression that may also mean that I am trying to make up for the lack of socialising I didn’t do back at school. I don’t know if that’s true, but I feel like I want to say so much that I could burst, . That may sound strange but I always have strong emotions and now that I am talking online, all those emotions are flowing through the computer.

 

If it was a brick wall of problems what would you do? You have few tools right now because you are starting your journey in life... I guess the only way is brick at a time - each problem is a brick - a real, solid, rock hard brick, they are very real, but if you solve the problem of each brick at a time one day part of the wall can be gone.

 

Well, in school, that brick wall was there, but smaller, it was a little easier to talk to people. After that breakdown that wall has shot up to an unbelievable height, it feels even harder now. On top of that the trust has been broken with those that dictate my future with non-ASD trained hands. With that they can do more harm than good, and that 139a document is proof of that. They clearly have little, if any, understanding about what I can cope with. I know that to try to find help out there I would end up having to put myself in the hands of those not trained in ASD, which surely can’t help me. The help my mum and I are searching for needs to be independent separated from the Local Authority that is not afraid to confront the wrongs that are caused by the Local Authority’s harsh and untrained in ASD hands. Those not paid by the very people they would end up facing against.

 

There is an advocacy service over here that say they are independent, but truth be told, my mum had an advocate from them, and they were most certainly not independent. I don’t even think they understand the meaning of the word. What are they independent from, me and my mum? They should be independent from the Local Authority, not the other way around. It is sickening that we have to turn to those that are being paid by the very people causing the problem, that doesn’t make sense to me.

 

Some people view life like a jigsaw puzzle and as you learn you get more pieces and make bits of the picture - the hope is that one day when you get older you see more of the picture and life starts to make sense - I am not there yet, maybe I will let you know...

 

When it comes to seeing the country around me, honestly, I think the government have no idea what it is like for the rest of us. They aren’t stuck behind their bedroom doors, or stuck in their houses, how would they know what would truly help us, that doesn’t make sense to me. From where I am sitting I see news on the internet from those with disabilities and the harsh draconian laws coming out of the government and the way it is affecting people like us. It is sickening, we are being dictated by those that live in a different reality to the rest of us, the MPs aren’t struggling the way we are. If my mum wrote to her local MP and they haven’t helped her, then that proves how little they truly care about their constituents.

 

Those laws will affect my life in the future, I know that is true. Whatever draconian methods that are passed through the House of Commons will end up kicking me while I am already down, so finding those puzzle pieces in the future may be a lot harder than it sounds. To make a success of life seems practically impossible if the government’s harsh laws have anything to say about it.

 

The puzzle piece to do with socialising, well, that is something developing, but the volume of writing I write, I worry may push people away. I have a lot of emotion, and that emotion will flow if I am talked to, I don’t mean to drown people with words. I’m not talking to many people so I put all I have into what I write; I think it is part of my personality anyway. If I was able to talk more easily to people I suppose I would give it everything I have.

 

Depression can also distort your thinking and make everything seem much worse than it is - but you know what? I think it can be beaten - I think depression can go away - don't know how yet - but I believe it can be defeated...

 

Even if I had no depression, the government is most definitely going to insight more depression any way. There is a lot of wrong that the government are sending out, if I expose myself, then I know I will feel the brunt of it. I see enough online from others that are disabled to know that much.

 

The difficulty is that this depression only increases if I am not able to tackle the difficulties, in my own way. To do that may take time, and finding the right help may be even harder, but I know that I can’t shake this depression by following the Local Authorities untrained and uncaring hands.

 

Social depression can be tackled by talking on here, which is what I’m doing, and from this point, who knows where it may lead, but I think that is something that is progressing, at whatever pace. Talking on here is a big jump in my world but also a small one, -_-, some feel too impossible to achieve, so I am working from the bottom upwards, if that doesn’t work then I’d have to find a different route to the goal. I highly doubt it will be a straight route so I may need to change it many times along the way. I am not sure if I’ll succeed, as you haven’t succeeded yourself, makes me feel like I won’t either, .

 

You should keep building your confidence and exploring your world - even if you have to use the internet to do it - it is a start.

 

Yes, the internet is a very valuable thing to me; it provides me with an access point to socialise that doesn’t cause an overwhelming sense of anxiety. That is something that helps. Talking on here is my way of socialising. Finding the right way of talking to people will be tricky if I have trouble condensing my messages, .

 

The major problem is my writing. I like writing about all my thoughts and feelings but I am worried about the volume that others can accept or not. I really don’t mind if they only pick out one or two things I’ve said and write to me about that. I know I write an overwhelming amount, if it is too big then just write back to me about a portion of it. To me, receiving no replies in return feels worse than talking about one section if they find that the volume of writing I write is too much. I really don’t mean to overload people; I just like explaining my difficulties and explaining my interests in detail. I just have a lot of emotion to channel in writing.

 

Best wishes

Ichigo

[LancsLad]

Ichigo I have never been any good at languages its a real weakness of mine. My partners sister studdied Japanese at Oxford and worked for some time as a translator for commercial magazines, really dull stuff some of the time like translating Agriculture Today into English from Japanese or vice versa. My sister in law is pretty fluent in well over half a dozen languages but says Japanese is by far the hardest one she has had to learn. When I was at university in my first year the guy next to me in the accomodation was doing Japanese, he gave up at the end of the first term. I looked at what he was having to do and it blew my mind away by how difficult it seemed.

 

I guess one of the things is that some languages are easier than others to learn in isolation than others. I think you are right that finding someone to talk to who is conversant in both languages would be an important step.

 

I know my sisiter in law is now teaching core skills in F.E. and I am not sure if she still does the translation stuff anymore. I can see that you are based in East Berkshire which might not be too far from her. I have followed the post and was in two minds about mixing my forum life with my personal life, though this is not directly related to me. After some thought would you like me to mention that you are interested in a possible pen pal situation to her or not? I can't promise anything but I know from her own background she would not be put off by someone on the autistic spectrum and as such she might be interested in supporting you in some way, what do you think?

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

LancsLad

 

Yes, I think Japanese is definitely difficult to learn alone, there is no question. To find someone to help learn Japanese certainly may help. From the website that darkshine suggested with the ten essential tips to learning Japanese, it stated that to find someone that can speak Japanese to talk to was important from the beginning. There were also those in the comments underneath on that website that stated the same thing helped them.

 

To be able to find a way to achieve one of the skills I’ve wanted to is definitely motivating, it’s true. Wow, when I started writing on this forum, I never expected things to go this quickly, but it is certainly encouraging, .

 

I understand that she may not be able to help me, but if it is possible then the concept sounds interesting. Thank you very much for thinking of my problems and offering a solution, . That is something that definitely sounds appealing, and I think I’d be willing to try, as long as I would be able to explain my difficulties to her so that she can understand the obstacles I may come across.

 

I am also practically in the basics when it comes to learning Japanese. As I said to darkshine, I only managed to pick out the odd word or two in the animé and music I watch and listen to. Technically, from listening to music, I mime the words, so I suppose that may help with pronunciation.

 

You say that she may be able to support me in some way, what ways may she be willing to help me learn Japanese?

 

Best wishes

Ichigo

[LancsLad]

My partner said she will give her sister a call and can only ask, as you said she might not be able to help that is her choice. I know her college is being inspected this week and she will be busy with that so it might be next week to be honest.

 

Best wishes.

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

LancsLad

 

Well, whether she is able to help or not, it is a very kind offer, thank you, .

 

Best wishes

Ichigo

[darkshine]

Hey Ichigo, your writing is fine, right now you have a lot to say because it sounds like you've lived a while being able to say very little - it's fine - some people may be put off, some people won't, but I'll tell you something ok?

 

I often worry I write too much when I write to people - except for one person, I've found someone who I can write war and peace too and they answer me and aren't bothered about the war and peace length of what I say - and what's even better is this person writes war and peace back to me and it's great because everything they say is interesting to me - I don't know how we say so much - I wonder if we'll run out of things to say because we say so much, but that isn't likely with a mind like mine, or a mind like his and you know what? It's funny because me and this person can say so much but we still struggle with the social kinda things and that makes me laugh because we can say so much about everything, but ascertaining something like "are we friends?" has been much more problematic.

 

The point is - there are people out there in the world who can handle it Ichigo, and one day you will feel different in some ways because you will have to judge when and who you should bother talking to and when/who you shouldn't bother with - and that's a hard thing to learn - but you know what? It's better to keep trying than to give up and stay silent - you have a lot to offer - you just have to realise that too.

 

So what happened with this other friend? Did he reply or is it a case of "that one isn't going to work out"?

 

And as for the state of the country - well - I'm not even going there on that one today - cuz I am in several mindsets about it and today is mainly the negative one I don't think that is helpful cuz you already have that view. But the way things are hard for people, and the way people who need help don't get it, well it sucks big time, but that's why we need people who fight for a better life. There's people who are struggling to help other people, off their own backs, and the differences they make may look insignificant when viewed against the backdrop of the whole country - but I know that these people make a difference to the lives of the people they help, an stuff like that, it's important, it's a start.

 

In some ways my aim in life is to get "better" and to learn - I'm learning all the time - and then I'd like to share that learning cuz there's people who need help with stuff, but even that is hard because there's so much that people need help with that I have to choose where to put my efforts at some point and I just don't know.... I see someone like you and I wish I could help.... but it is frustrating that I can only do so little when I am certain there are answers out there to help you. even though my life has been different there are many parallels, and I understand your thinking, it's just that there's more stuff you need to know and that is not the easiest thing when you have a mind that can be split between knowledge and fear, and other opposite things that instead of adding variety to your life can actually end up restricting it.

 

There is a way Ichigo, somewhere and somehow, there is a way to get from behind your bedroom door - and the most frightening thing about that is that the battle will be mostly yours, at the end of the day that's going to be a big part of the key to everything - I don't feel like I fit in, I don't feel like I belong, but there's a couple of things about that.

 

1. finding that friend who I can say anything I like to and know I won't be judged or reprimanded or that they won't do a runner because I'm so intense at times with my thinking and honesty.

 

2. even though there may not be a dedicated space for people like you or me, even though we may not fit it, or belong or anything like that, well I guess there comes a choice doesn't there? We can hide. Or we can fight for our place, create it ourselves, despite other people, despite the government cuz they can do so many things to us that hurts but they cannot stop us from being who we are inside - and if we let them then they've won - and the sad thing is - they don't even know what they have done, they don't know that they are hurting you or hurting me or everyone else they are hurting, and whether they care or not - is it not a total waste to not live when the very people who are preventing you from doing so don't even care or notice...

 

The truth is, I don't know, I'm just throwing ideas around, but I can't help thinking that it is totally wrong the way the world is - but there are pockets of happiness to be found, however brief or lasting they may be. Like finding a friend and being allowed to be a friend back. Like slowly realising that sometimes who you are isn't a bad thing and that it can be a good thing. Not many people make me feel like this, but this friend I have now, who writes war and peace, he accepts me and it makes me feel more acceptable - even if it's only a really small feeling, it is a start - but there's something about someone liking me that means a lot when I know that they really like me, and actually like me for me, and not for the pretend me that most people either get to see or choose to see.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[Ichigo Kurosaki]

Hey Ichigo, your writing is fine, right now you have a lot to say because it sounds like you've lived a while being able to say very little - it's fine - some people may be put off, some people won't, but I'll tell you something ok?

 

I often worry I write too much when I write to people - except for one person, I've found someone who I can write war and peace too and they answer me and aren't bothered about the war and peace length of what I say - and what's even better is this person writes war and peace back to me and it's great because everything they say is interesting to me - I don't know how we say so much - I wonder if we'll run out of things to say because we say so much, but that isn't likely with a mind like mine, or a mind like his and you know what? It's funny because me and this person can say so much but we still struggle with the social kinda things and that makes me laugh because we can say so much about everything, but ascertaining something like "are we friends?" has been much more problematic.

 

darkshine

 

Thank you for your reply, .

 

I can understand the difficulty with saying “are we friends?” when it came to MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Play Games), that was so much easier as the concept on a game to real life is all too different. I found it so much easier saying, “shall I add you as a friend?”, as the concept on a game means nothing in comparison to the real world. When I added friends on those online games, we never talked again; it was a pointless system in the end. Nothing came of it, unless you were willing to take the next step, add them on Facebook friends, I couldn't, and not only because I never had a Facebook account at the time either, so nothing had come of them.

 

The point is - there are people out there in the world who can handle it Ichigo, and one day you will feel different in some ways because you will have to judge when and who you should bother talking to and when/who you shouldn't bother with - and that's a hard thing to learn - but you know what? It's better to keep trying than to give up and stay silent - you have a lot to offer - you just have to realise that too.

 

Yes, finding someone that shares a common interest is definitely something I have been in search of. In another sense, if I was to meet someone, but the setting was a place that brings back emotional pain from my past, then what would I do? I would be drawn between pain, anxiety, and trying to cope, whilst trying to talk about something of interest. That is a lot harder than it sounds in words. I know that it would be a twist on the meeting of my cousin, in a comfortable environment, to meeting someone with an interest of mine but sitting in a setting where great painful memories and feelings come from. I couldn’t focus, my mind would be in chaos, I’d need to be able to talk to them in a setting that I was more familiar with, as I know the difference between a familiar place and a place with strong emotional pain is major.

 

The worry now is that when I was talking to that primary school friend, I have noticed that she is writing to me less and less. I asked her about that before and she has a lot of work that she is doing and she gets very busy so she replies quite late. I wondered that she is beginning to write less and less, is that because she and I do not share much in common, and that she is politely distancing herself. What I have been thinking is that should I try meeting up with her again, as it has been a few months since the last time we met. Is she distancing herself because I haven’t suggested meeting up? This is what I am thinking about whilst writing to her.

 

So what happened with this other friend? Did he reply or is it a case of "that one isn't going to work out"?

 

No, that secondary school friend hasn’t responded to me, . To be honest, I think I need to either give it time, or just try my hardest to get my mind away from it, and that is easier said than done. Regrets will stay with me, but I hope, , by finding new friends then that regret can have less of an impact. Yes, somehow I think it may be “that one isn't going to work out”, as I left things in a bad way with him from the pain that school had caused me. That incident didn't just create pain out of the losing of trust, but also made me lose a good friend in the process, so anything around a school environment will immediately trigger bad memories. If I was to try to enter a college or anywhere else where education takes place, then I know those emotional triggers, those triggers that only come from seeing education in practice. I’ll remember time, losing a friend, lack of education, and so forth, and inside, I would scream. How could I learn in a college environment when I feel like screaming?

 

And as for the state of the country - well - I'm not even going there on that one today - cuz I am in several mindsets about it and today is mainly the negative one I don't think that is helpful cuz you already have that view. But the way things are hard for people, and the way people who need help don't get it, well it sucks big time, but that's why we need people who fight for a better life. There's people who are struggling to help other people, off their own backs, and the differences they make may look insignificant when viewed against the backdrop of the whole country - but I know that these people make a difference to the lives of the people they help, an stuff like that, it's important, it's a start.

 

In some ways my aim in life is to get "better" and to learn - I'm learning all the time - and then I'd like to share that learning cuz there's people who need help with stuff, but even that is hard because there's so much that people need help with that I have to choose where to put my efforts at some point and I just don't know.... I see someone like you and I wish I could help.... but it is frustrating that I can only do so little when I am certain there are answers out there to help you. even though my life has been different there are many parallels, and I understand your thinking, it's just that there's more stuff you need to know and that is not the easiest thing when you have a mind that can be split between knowledge and fear, and other opposite things that instead of adding variety to your life can actually end up restricting it.

 

Yes, I can fully understand finding the right place to give the help you are trying to give, and a forum is definitely one example of a good place to provide it. I and I’m sure many others on this forum came on here both to look for and provide some help in some way, though, to be honest, I am not sure what help I could be to others.

 

There is a way Ichigo, somewhere and somehow, there is a way to get from behind your bedroom door - and the most frightening thing about that is that the battle will be mostly yours, at the end of the day that's going to be a big part of the key to everything - I don't feel like I fit in, I don't feel like I belong, but there's a couple of things about that.

 

My mum has come across people that have not helped us because they consider our case “too complex”. I cannot help being in a complex setting, I did not ask for the PE teacher to interrogate me the way he had, causing me to go behind my bedroom door. I can’t help getting emotional triggers of pain every time I see education around me. How can I concentrate on learning in a college environment when those triggers are surrounding me? If the triggers are in a learning environment like a college, then that will affect me if I come head-to-head with anything belonging to a primary school, secondary school, college, or university. It matters not which, it is the principle that I remember, never mind about the concept of trying to concentrate surrounded by people, and distractions and such.

 

The thing is that it is the painful memories of my past that hold me back, though I cannot just shake them away, they provide us guidance for the future, but at the same time, bring restrictions. I cannot help it, there will be an emotional trigger when I come across certain things, I don’t know what to do to avert that.

 

1. finding that friend who I can say anything I like to and know I won't be judged or reprimanded or that they won't do a runner because I'm so intense at times with my thinking and honesty.

 

Yeah, I think we are all searching for someone like that, . I hope I haven’t pushed anyone away with the way I wrote to people, and they have not said otherwise, I suppose, so I think it may be a battle within me, . Though, I know that I need to be careful, sometimes I may write too much, or at least need to give others enough time to think through what I wrote, . I think I tend to churn up worries the longer it takes for the person to reply. I think I tend to beat myself up, thinking all those worries I have over my writing. As I have said before, I don’t want to be on the bad side of anyone, and be that as it may, I tend to revert to self-punishment, .

 

2. even though there may not be a dedicated space for people like you or me, even though we may not fit it, or belong or anything like that, well I guess there comes a choice doesn't there? We can hide. Or we can fight for our place, create it ourselves, despite other people, despite the government cuz they can do so many things to us that hurts but they cannot stop us from being who we are inside - and if we let them then they've won - and the sad thing is - they don't even know what they have done, they don't know that they are hurting you or hurting me or everyone else they are hurting, and whether they care or not - is it not a total waste to not live when the very people who are preventing you from doing so don't even care or notice...

 

Yes, I totally agree, but, there is one problem. Finding that right path in life may be increasingly difficult, due to many factors. One would be the emotional pain that happened at school, will trigger inside of me a memory of the dark times of my life. I cannot push that to one side; it is a major dark memory inside my mind. In so doing, an educational environment will bring back all that pain. How can I continue down a road, whilst screaming in your head from those bad memories, that doesn’t make sense to me? Another factor would be crowds of people; I cannot concentrate when I am constantly worried over those around me. My sensory issues may also drive me crazy, it did back at school. An example of this is when someone borrowed my protractor, began sucking on it, saliva covered it, and I shoved it in my backpack, without touching it, ever again. An interview of any kind would feel extremely hostile and immediately remind me of the PE teacher and the interrogation. Bad memories do play a huge key in many cases. It is not just my reflection of how I would cope in the situation, but also, that those memories will be brought out when I experience similar things in life. All these factors and more would prevent me from making a step in life.

 

The truth is, I don't know, I'm just throwing ideas around, but I can't help thinking that it is totally wrong the way the world is - but there are pockets of happiness to be found, however brief or lasting they may be. Like finding a friend and being allowed to be a friend back. Like slowly realising that sometimes who you are isn't a bad thing and that it can be a good thing. Not many people make me feel like this, but this friend I have now, who writes war and peace, he accepts me and it makes me feel more acceptable - even if it's only a really small feeling, it is a start - but there's something about someone liking me that means a lot when I know that they really like me, and actually like me for me, and not for the pretend me that most people either get to see or choose to see.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

 

Yes, finding someone that likes who you are for the way you are is definitely important. To know that someone accepts you for who you are, is something I think a lot of us strive for in the “social world”. I don’t know if it is because she is friends with mum already or not, but that old primary school friend does write back to me, even if it is taking longer for her to reply. She is busy with work, and I understand that, but the fact that she is writing back even then is something. One thing though, she does like saying that each response I send sounds more positive after coming on to this website, though, I am still trying to make sense of everything, . Since writing to her though, it has made me feel slightly more confident to come on to here in the first place, which I suppose is a kind of positive step.

 

Since writing on this forum, finding others with certain similarities makes me feel less alone, to know I am not the only person with difficulties. I think coming onto this forum was definitely a good idea. I need to analyse everything though to an extent that I know that it will not conflict with my inner pains, but once I know that something is achievable, within that acceptability, and then I would be willing to try.

 

Best wishes

Ichigo

[darkshine]

darkshine

 

Thank you for your reply, .

 

I can understand the difficulty with saying “are we friends?” when it came to MMORPGs (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Play Games), that was so much easier as the concept on a game to real life is all too different. I found it so much easier saying, “shall I add you as a friend?”, as the concept on a game means nothing in comparison to the real world. When I added friends on those online games, we never talked again; it was a pointless system in the end. Nothing came of it, unless you were willing to take the next step, add them on Facebook friends, I couldn't, and not only because I never had a Facebook account at the time either, so nothing had come of them.

 

Yeah that's a totally different ballgame, but it seems less pressured - I sometimes use xbox live but even so, I only have people I actually know as friends.

 

Yes, finding someone that shares a common interest is definitely something I have been in search of. In another sense, if I was to meet someone, but the setting was a place that brings back emotional pain from my past, then what would I do? I would be drawn between pain, anxiety, and trying to cope, whilst trying to talk about something of interest. That is a lot harder than it sounds in words. I know that it would be a twist on the meeting of my cousin, in a comfortable environment, to meeting someone with an interest of mine but sitting in a setting where great painful memories and feelings come from. I couldn’t focus, my mind would be in chaos, I’d need to be able to talk to them in a setting that I was more familiar with, as I know the difference between a familiar place and a place with strong emotional pain is major.

 

I thought the place of emotional pain was your old school? Surely every educational setting cannot be filled with the same pain if you have never even been there?

 

It seems a big generalisation Ichigo cuz although some teachers are absolute ###### there are many out there who aren't - there's some really inspirational people in fact.

 

When I was at school there was one teacher who was from a more "old school" kinda setting, he was the kinda guy who would have enjoyed caning people, you could just tell, he was retired technically but came in when another teacher was ill or something, so thankfully we didn't get him often. He seemed to like humiliating people. One day he glared at the class for silence, and one girl missed his glare and said something, she was sitting on the row next to the windows to my left, he made her stand on her chair and press her nose to the glass of the windows - it wouldn't have mattered except we were in a double lesson and it was at that exact point where several classes were walking past to go to next lessons, about 100 people must have seen her standing there, I've never seen someone so humiliated in my life.

 

Nobody in that class laughed at her cuz we all knew that it would be bad to be in her position, but the people outside were sniggering and that must have made it worse, cuz he just went on teaching so it would have been obvious that she wasn't doing it for any other reason than being told to do it.

 

There was a PE teacher who wasn't much better, who would yell and scream and make everyone who wasn't a top athlete feel useless. Yes, that included me as I wasn't always overly coordinated - it depended on the sport and my ability on that day.

 

There was a French teacher who used to lean right up to my face and shout and he'd be spitting on certain words.

 

There was a science teacher who made me and a few others feel about an inch high with his "wit".

 

There was a head of year who wanted to put me on report for not going out on a friday night - she actually rang my parents and complained that I wasn't being normal.

 

Then when I was crippled with self-consciousness about wearing glasses I got put on report for a week - every single class for a week I had to take this slip up to the teacher to sign to say I'd worn them - I refused to do it and that caused a detention and a meeting with my parents.

 

There was a music teacher who used to turn a blind eye when it was time to go into the practice rooms and everyone used to tell me to ###### and I'd be stood in the corridor and he'd walk past me and when I used to try to explain why I was standing there he'd just tell me to go practice - which I couldn't cuz nobody would let me in the rooms.

 

There was an art teacher who one time kept telling me to do more shading on my drawing, even though it was already shaded and I kept having to do it darker and darker and darker, and then he yelled that I didn't have enough shading even though it was nearly black by that time.

 

I could go on for a long time about bad teachers and bad experiences - but the fact is - the teachers in colleges and uni's are better in the main because in a school the kids don't always wanna be there - in a college and especially a uni - the adults there have paid to be there, because they want to be there and that effects the dynamic between student and tutor because the relationship can be on a more adult basis, there's a level of respect that doesn't exist so often between adult and child.

 

I stayed on at my hell of a school, started 6th form, and even that was better than what it was like only 4 months before when I'd finished my GCSE's - they treated us differently - although I dropped out due to health issues/a breakdown.

 

A school has minimal avenues of support, a college has a few more depending on the college, and a uni can have a lot more (depending on the uni). The OU as a uni has helped me quite a lot with my problems, has given me support, some tutors have gone the extra mile and done one-on-one tutorials or phone tutorials, and there's provisions available if I asked for them (which I don't generally unless I have to).

 

When something is really different, it has to have it's own rules, otherwise it would be like saying "all dogs are vicious" well that's just wrong, many dogs are not vicious. If I based every educational setting on the same lines of my experience at school then I wouldn't ever have studied ever again - although in my case I was more tortured by the students than the teachers, so I should think that all students are going to ruin my life - when I went to summer school and found out that there was a whole crowd of people with problems, ranging from depression to tourettes, I realised that even though some people struggle, they can be so inspiring that they try anyway, despite their problems, and it made me feel less alone there knowing that there were people who were struggling as much as or more than I was and to see them carrying on anyway, made me try to carry on, the tutors there were more like mates for 10% of the time, the rest of the time they were helping us or talking to us, and they'd all done things that were pretty interesting too, they were just people really, and not one of them was anything like what the teachers at my school was like.

 

The worry now is that when I was talking to that primary school friend, I have noticed that she is writing to me less and less. I asked her about that before and she has a lot of work that she is doing and she gets very busy so she replies quite late. I wondered that she is beginning to write less and less, is that because she and I do not share much in common, and that she is politely distancing herself. What I have been thinking is that should I try meeting up with her again, as it has been a few months since the last time we met. Is she distancing herself because I haven’t suggested meeting up? This is what I am thinking about whilst writing to her.

 

 

 

No, that secondary school friend hasn’t responded to me, . To be honest, I think I need to either give it time, or just try my hardest to get my mind away from it, and that is easier said than done. Regrets will stay with me, but I hope, , by finding new friends then that regret can have less of an impact. Yes, somehow I think it may be “that one isn't going to work out”, as I left things in a bad way with him from the pain that school had caused me. That incident didn't just create pain out of the losing of trust, but also made me lose a good friend in the process, so anything around a school environment will immediately trigger bad memories. If I was to try to enter a college or anywhere else where education takes place, then I know those emotional triggers, those triggers that only come from seeing education in practice. I’ll remember time, losing a friend, lack of education, and so forth, and inside, I would scream. How could I learn in a college environment when I feel like screaming?

 

You tend to find that people don't always have loads to say - it could be for any number of reasons that she's writing less - it depends what you talk about to start with - and whether she has time I suppose too...

 

The thing with childhood friends is that they change a lot - and they don't necessarily care about the same things any more...

 

Another thing with school friends is that they aren't necessarily "life friends" - like work colleagues, they don't all chat out of work.

 

I'm still struggling to see how another educational place would remind you of your school - if I went back to my school there's memories everywhere, in the layout, the bricks, the doors, even some of the teachers who are still there. But if I walk down to the local college - well I've never been in there - it cannot hold memories when it's unknown. It would be like going to London and saying you've seen all of England - what a possibly dreary image that could be if the visited the rougher parts of London - nothing at all like standing on a mountain side and looking at the sky reflected in a crystal clear lake, or standing in a wood and listening to the trees.

 

 

Yes, I can fully understand finding the right place to give the help you are trying to give, and a forum is definitely one example of a good place to provide it. I and I’m sure many others on this forum came on here both to look for and provide some help in some way, though, to be honest, I am not sure what help I could be to others.

 

That would depend on whether you want to help other people or not - not everybody does

 

 

 

My mum has come across people that have not helped us because they consider our case “too complex”. I cannot help being in a complex setting, I did not ask for the PE teacher to interrogate me the way he had, causing me to go behind my bedroom door. I can’t help getting emotional triggers of pain every time I see education around me. How can I concentrate on learning in a college environment when those triggers are surrounding me? If the triggers are in a learning environment like a college, then that will affect me if I come head-to-head with anything belonging to a primary school, secondary school, college, or university. It matters not which, it is the principle that I remember, never mind about the concept of trying to concentrate surrounded by people, and distractions and such.

 

The thing is that it is the painful memories of my past that hold me back, though I cannot just shake them away, they provide us guidance for the future, but at the same time, bring restrictions. I cannot help it, there will be an emotional trigger when I come across certain things, I don’t know what to do to avert that.

 

 

The only thing you can do is to somehow get past it.

 

I have a fear of people, people hurt me, destroyed me, abused my trust, they made me want to die. Every time I see people I used to think about what they could do to hurt me and how to protect myself from them. I sometimes say/said "all people are evil" when I was angry and upset.

 

So what do I do? I don't want to live inside forever and people are outside!!

 

So I rationalise it by thinking "some people are bad" not all of them. That means that "some people are good". It's probably worthwhile looking for those ones instead.

 

 

Yes, I totally agree, but, there is one problem. Finding that right path in life may be increasingly difficult, due to many factors. One would be the emotional pain that happened at school, will trigger inside of me a memory of the dark times of my life. I cannot push that to one side; it is a major dark memory inside my mind. In so doing, an educational environment will bring back all that pain. How can I continue down a road, whilst screaming in your head from those bad memories, that doesn’t make sense to me? Another factor would be crowds of people; I cannot concentrate when I am constantly worried over those around me. My sensory issues may also drive me crazy, it did back at school. An example of this is when someone borrowed my protractor, began sucking on it, saliva covered it, and I shoved it in my backpack, without touching it, ever again. An interview of any kind would feel extremely hostile and immediately remind me of the PE teacher and the interrogation. Bad memories do play a huge key in many cases. It is not just my reflection of how I would cope in the situation, but also, that those memories will be brought out when I experience similar things in life. All these factors and more would prevent me from making a step in life.

 

If SPD is the problem then you can simplify the complexity of all your problems by focusing on dealing with that and seeking help for it.

 

If thinking distortions are a problem then there's help for that too.

 

And just for the record - people tend to not suck other people's things when they get to adulthood - and at least that's all that person did, the last time I lent someone my compass at school they stabbed me in the leg!!!

 

There's some things about memories... Firstly, they are memories and not an indication of the future (we'd all be very advanced if memories could turn future events into facts). Secondly memories can be warped, by fear, by panic, by pain. Thirdly, you can create new memories if you don't fixate on the old ones.

 

Also, on experiencing similar things... you could say it is similar to climb Ben Nevis as it would be to climb Mount Everest - I somehow doubt the experience would be identical - the action of climbing might have similarities - but that would depend on the terrain - also the fact that one is 4000 feet and the other is 29,000 feet would make some essence of a different - and that the view would not be identical.

 

I could say I've driven a citroen and that means I know what it's like to drive a Lotus F1 car.

 

Those things are about as similar as a school is to a college or uni - some actions may be similar, there may be the terrain of that kind of environment, and there might be other people doing their own thing, but the experience is completely different.

 

You say all those factors prevent you from making a step in life - do you mean ever? That you cannot live because some guy had a go at you several years ago? Or cuz school was hell? That's a lot of stuff to miss out on cuz of something in your life that was over quite a few years ago now.

 

 

 

Yes, finding someone that likes who you are for the way you are is definitely important. To know that someone accepts you for who you are, is something I think a lot of us strive for in the “social world”. I don’t know if it is because she is friends with mum already or not, but that old primary school friend does write back to me, even if it is taking longer for her to reply. She is busy with work, and I understand that, but the fact that she is writing back even then is something. One thing though, she does like saying that each response I send sounds more positive after coming on to this website, though, I am still trying to make sense of everything, . Since writing to her though, it has made me feel slightly more confident to come on to here in the first place, which I suppose is a kind of positive step.

 

Since writing on this forum, finding others with certain similarities makes me feel less alone, to know I am not the only person with difficulties. I think coming onto this forum was definitely a good idea. I need to analyse everything though to an extent that I know that it will not conflict with my inner pains, but once I know that something is achievable, within that acceptability, and then I would be willing to try.

 

Best wishes

Ichigo

 

It is achievable - everything you want is achievable!! Life is like a puzzle - you just have to work it out - but really some of your priorities should be addressing your thought processes so that you get a more balanced and realistic view - and looking into things that can help with aspects of SPD.

 

Technically you can do some work on that by yourself - there's books and websites galore out there with stuff all about it - it would take a lot of hard work.

 

There's also people within services that offer therapies - but you would probably have to be able to see them in their environments cuz they don't seem to like leaving their offices (maybe they have agoraphobia?)

 

Lot's to think about Ichigo - see if you can find some perspective on certain things and from there, a possible way to get over some of the things in your past related to school.