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I am a Mum with a 10 year old high functioning son. I have had a terrible time since september getting my son to school ,i usually have to drag him there. I have broken down and cried at school a few times when it has been particulay bad and the Head did say once that maybe I should a doctor who may be able to help me.

 

I have had a camhs visit about my son and i cried in this meeting when talking about how bad it has been.

I think i talked really fast as well, now i am really worried about how i came across. When i cried the camhs person also said have i been to the doctor. She is going to do a caf with me soon.

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My 13 year old son was very anxious about school .....we now home educate .....happier boy now no more meltdowns......bliss......sometimes youve got to think aout yourself and look at the big picture ................

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Venus, when me and my partner were involved in emergency foster care we would have to face some very challenging scenarios.

 

Children are like vessels and they have a lot of capacity to take on things. One of the things we can easily do is transpose our own anxieties and negative emotions such as fear into these vessels and in many ways that is not fair it does not help them rather it creates a new layer they have to deal with. Something we both had to do was keep those anxieties tightly under control and away from the child and then deal with them in our own time and space and this would be on a daily basis where we would share our thoughts and support each other. Venus finding an outlet to express your own anxieties is important but you must choose one which is constructive. I strongly believe that 'sympathy' does not get you very far. I used to go into work and some people would try and be sympathetic and though well meaning it was pretty pointless stuff to be honest. I did however know a couple of people who had difficult experiences with their own kids and I knew I could always get an honest second opinion from them, an 'empathetic' one. They were always kid focused and not interested in me as starting points which felt right.

 

There is apoint however where the priority has to be ourselves. If we can't look after ourselves how are we to look after anyone else. If you feel seeking medical support for yourself might help then go for it, there is no shame in that. Towards the end of our period fostering as we were trying to get 5 kids out of our lives in a totally constructive way and these things take months, I was seeing a counselor for my own mental health problems. On more than one occassion I thought 'hey this works pretty well, why don't we change the decision about fostering'. I am not saying you have mental health issues or need counseling Venus rather that with the right type of support things can feel and look very different.

 

Just a few thoughts.

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What kind of school does your son go to.

Does he have a Statement of Special Educational Needs.

What support is he currently receiving in school.

Does he see a speech and language therapist, occupational therapist, educational psychologist or the autism advisory teacher?

 

Has he been referred to Clinical Psychology?

What do CAHMS say about his anxiety?

 

My son was out of school for most of 2011 due to anxiety. He now has OCD and an Anxiety Disorder on top of his ASD diagnosis.

 

He is finally in a school that can meet his needs, but he still struggles with OCD fears.

 

I've just recently been put on medication by my GP, which although is helping, I am very angry about. Because it is not fair to medicate me so that I can care for my son. Some respite and support is needed. His OCD is quite severe at the moment, with constant bathing and rituals both morning and throughout the day and at nightime, which is exhausting him and me.

 

You say you are having a CAF completed. Make sure you also ask for a Carers Assessment, which is supposed to look at what you need to continue caring for your son.

 

Don't be too quick to mention you are anxious, otherwise all the problems with be blamed on your anxiety. Your anxiety is based in reality. It is because you can see your son is not coping, that you are uncomfortable with the amount of force you are having to use to get him into a place you know he cannot tolerate. Unless you do feel that your anxiety has no basis in reality and is making your son anxious?

 

But that does not sound like the case from your OP. Basically, at the moment, your son is too anxious to go into school with just gentle encouragement. You should not have to man handle your son to get him into school.

 

Ask for a referal to Clin Psych and ask them, and also CAHMS, how much physical force you should use to get your son into school. Ask them to put that advice in writing, and stick to that. He probably won't be in school with just gentle encouragement [because, like you, I was having to use physical force to get him dressed, fed and out of the house]. So be prepared for that. But if he does become a school refuser you need to ensure his Statement is a true reflection of his needs, that provision to support him is quantified and specified, and that he is in a suitable school placement.

 

If he does not have a Statement, you should request the LA to carry out a Statutory Assessment towards a Statement.

 

And it all depends on whether you have a good reason to cry. I've cried infront of multi disciplinary team meetings talking about how my son attempted suicide. I've cried infront of the GP when describing his behaviours and how he harms himself. I've cried infront of the GP saying I cannot continue caring for him with no support. I've cried infront of Clinical Psychologists, who have offered me a tissue, and agreed that mine is a very difficult and exhausting job.

 

Maybe you are trying too hard to get him to comply, when the reality is that he is not able to and cannot cope?

Edited by Sally44

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He goes to a mainstream school and starts high school in September. He has no statement but is on school action plus..I said I do sometimes feel anxious when going getting at school as I have had to drag my son to school with him hitting and kicking me.Oh dear is that bad !

 

I said that I have been dragging him to school since sept and not sure if the school understand how hard it is for me.

 

She asked me what he was scared of and I said there was a certain teacher who he is scared of but I think a lot has to do with going to high school.

 

I think I spoke to quickly and said too much.

 

It worries me what they think and now it looks like they will blame me , they will when they hear about what primary has to say as I know they are fed up with me.

 

Senco just says be more firm, boundaries, he is playing games, she says I am anxious when i get to school,sometimes i am i admit but not all the time.

 

Yesterday he had a visit to the high school and he really hit me in the playground. school will tell them i am anxious anyway .

 

He says he is scared because he doesn't understand things that are said to him in lessons and he panicks that if he hasn't done enough work that he might go into detention.

 

I am sitting here now worrying that camhs will think i am anxious,what do they do if they think you are,it makes me scared.

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It sounds as if you are very anxious but CAMHS aren't your enemy, they're there to help your son and you. If you have been struggling for a long time with your son, then you could be depressed and it wouldn't hurt to go to your doctor. How does your son cope during the school day, once he has settled down? Do the teachers say that they have problems with him during the day? If I were you, I would just be honest and tell the CAMHS people that you have been finding it tough. They're not there to judge you or blame you, just to offer help. Good luck.

 

~ Mel ~

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He is ok once in for a bit and settles down,he does cry in some lessons ,says that he doesn't understand and he comes out angry a lot and hits me.They always say he is fine.

 

on the way home yesterday he stopped in the middle of the road and sobbed his heart out saying he didn't want to go to high school. He says he is scared of everything to do with high school.

 

If I am anxious I don't mind going to the doctors but I only feel anxious when at the school.

 

His behaviour is good at school as he hates looking different so he tries to blend into the back ground as much as possible,he won't ask for help so he sits there not getting what he is meant to do. He hates certain lessons and certain teachers and says they scare him.

 

He is also like this at dentist and hospitals, he is terrified of going in them.

 

Do you think Camhs will insist I see a doctor because I will go next week if i have to ,would rather go on my own than be told.

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They can't insist that you go, no. It sounds like a vicious circle though; your lad is anxious at school and so you get anxious about him being anxious at school and he can probably sense your anxiety and so feels more anxious and you're both getting in more and more of a state. I can understand your anxiety, my lad struggled at school enormously and it was a huge source of worry for me too. There's nothing wrong with expressing that to CAMHS, they'll understand that if your lad is unhappy then you will be too, it's only natural. It would certainly help your son if you could be calm about school, I know it's hard though. It sounds like he's very worried about the move to high school. Will he get any support there at all? You can't allow yourself to become his punching bag though for letting out his stress upon and CAMHS could perhaps help you with some techniques that will make it clear to him that this will not be tolerated. When will you see CAMHS again? It wouldn't hurt for you to go to your GP also, though, to get some support for yourself and see what they suggest.

 

~ Mel ~

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They are setting up a caf which involv the high school and not the primary. I don't show my anxiety very much just some days it is horrendous getting him there. School have been awful and i haven't felt supported at all, if my son's needs were better met then he wouldn't be anxious and if he wasn't anxious then I wouldn't be also.

 

I have asked for meetings with the senco and she was so rude to me ,that she was too busy,didn't feel there was a need for one that i backed down.Parent partership were going to come with me and couldn't believe what was said.

 

There have been loads more things i could write but won't but i now feel under pressure from the school no t to be anxious but if my went to school happy then i would feel this way

Edited by venus

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Yes, I do understand. It got so bad for my lad when he was at school that I would have an upset tum every day with the anxiety and stress of it and was totally worn down with the worry. I know it seems a long way off for you now, but it's so much better when they leave school and all the school-related stress goes away. It got better for me too when I managed to get a part-time job and I wasn't sitting at home on my own all day just fretting about him. Do you have a job or an outlet for yourself to give you something else to focus on?

 

~ Mel ~

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Keep a diary of what your son says and does.

No parent should have to drag their child to school.

You need CAHMS and Clinical Psychology on your side, and they are generally very good.

Anxiety is part of being on the autistic spectrum.

He isn't acting up. He is genuinely anxious and scared and afraid because he does not understand what is being said. That is because problems with speech and language and social communication is part of an ASD. So this is all to do with his diagnosis, and not to do with you being anxious.

How many other parents are having to drag their children to school? I have been there, done that and bought the T-shirt. It is emotionally draining and exhausting. You feel bad taking your child to a place you know they are not coping with.

 

How is he doing academically?

 

Is he having any input from a speech therapist?

 

Is the autism advisory teacher involved?

 

If he is anxious now in primary, how are they expecting that he is going to cope with being in a bigger, louder, more demanding school where there are hourly changes of peer group, classroom and teacher? Do they really think that a child diagnosied with an ASD is going to be fine without them doing anything at all to prepare him for it, or support him?

 

You could start the process of asking the LA to assess for a Statement. You don't need anyone to agree with you before you make that request. And by making that request the LA SHOULD ask the EP and SALT to assess him.

 

If your son is saying he does not understand what is being said, you should tell the school that, and the school should refer him to the speech therapist. Have you put those concerns in writing to the school?

 

If school keep saying they have no concerns they are not going to be helping him at all. Because often school is the place that has the budget to refer on to these professionals. If they have no concerns they don't refer. I've also had that before too.

 

But requesting an assessment towards a Statement should get them involved to at least assess him. And I would recommend that you find out WHO the SALT and EP are that would assess and that you speak with them, and that you ask them to carry out standardised assessments. Then put everything discussed into a letter and post it to them. You need them to carry out standardised assessments so that you have a baseline record of his skills from which you can measure progress.

 

Think how worried he must be every day worrying that he won't understand what he is being told, and anxious that he will then be punished for it. Keep a record of these concerns, as they are your evidence that that is what your son is telling you. CAHMS should understand this, because what you are describing is actually very common. It is just the school that are saying they have no concerns. And they probably don't, because he is so afraid of doing something wrong and being punished, that he tries to keep a lid on his anxieties.

 

It is not acceptable that he takes it out on you. But it is also not acceptable that the school keep saying no concerns. Are they suggesting he is not on the spectrum?? Because his difficulties are typical of being on the spectrum. It sounds like school have very little experience or expertise in autism.

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Remember that supporting your son costs them money. So if they can get you to back down in any way it saves them.

I've had a SENCO like that. Even at the Educational Tribunal she had she still kept saying she had no concerns and that he was making progress. This is even after my son attempted suicide and refused to attend school for about a year. And eventhough we had evidence that he had lost academic skills and knew less words in year 5 than he did in reception year. And eventhough the CAHMS Psychiatrist had said he had "an astounding number of educational issues" "he is totally overloaded and overwhelmed on a daily basis" "this sad little boy is showing behaviours typical of a child not coping in school." etc etc. So stick to your guns. You are not an idiot. You know your son is anxious/upset and not coping. Have that meeting and take the parent partnership with you. You are going to have to toughen up and channel your anxiety into action to get the support your son needs otherwise this is just going to go on and on and get worse.

 

 

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Hi you really do need to get your some statemented. I do feel so sorry for you and your son, I know what you are going through, as I remember going through similar with my son Glen, trying to get him to school, when in the end I had to give up as Glen had become so aggressive I just wasn't able to get him there anymore. I didn't feel the school were that supportive and I am just so glad he isn't there anymore. I do hope things get better for you, but I would definitely go and see your GP I think you would benefit from some help/advice. Keep in touch :-)

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Thank you all for your help, much appreciated, feel a bit better now and hope i haven't messed it up too much. Will see about a SA , will ring parent partnership up on Monday for some more info.

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Even when I'm coping fine, I sometimes get emotional when confronted with a professional. I think it's a nerves/ adrenaline thing. I got tearful a few times when my son was still at mainstream and was hurting his sister a lot. Even now that things are chugging along a lot better, I'll still feel a bit emotionally disarmed by a professional. i'm sure we're not the only ones, and that they see it quite often.

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Surely even for the strongest and best supported of us tears are pretty much inevitable

 

I would suggest that you don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you that you are part of the problem - you aren't. Those that do (and teachers can be bad at this) are probably so far from understanding your son that you should treat what they say about anything with a lot of caution.

 

Parenting an ASD child is very hard work and puts a lot of strain on the parents and other family members. There is support out there from the like of CAMHS and NAS - this can help a lot so don't disdain it if you think it helps you. However I would recommend that you go through CAMHS rather than your GP. They are more experienced in the problems of parenting and can provide more support than you are likely to get from your GP.

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That is often the case, especially if it is the parent sat facing a whole line of professionals who are trying to dodge being pinned into giving some kind of support or therapy.

 

In my experience I found that health professionals were alot better that educational ones, simply because it is the LA ie. education, that ends up funding the Statement.

 

But I cannot over emphasise how important it is that you do not allow yourself to become the scapegoat. Otherwise everyone will very quickly get on board and blame you and your parenting skills, rather than support your son.

 

So keep a daily diary. Get in writing the advice you said CAHMS had given you ie. that you should not use physical force to make him go into school. They recognise that you have tried your best. If your son is refusing, he is refusing for a reason.

 

Many of us parents on the forum have gone through the same thing. And the fact is that you are probably trying too hard to keep him in school. When you need to take a step back. Get the advice from CAHMS in writing. Talk to your son about how he feels every day in school and just be honest with him.

 

I said to my son that all children go to school. But that if he was feeling like he could not take it anymore he had to tell me and if he felt that bad I would not force him into school. After that he was off school for about a year. But he was very ill.

 

Like your son he developed a nervous tic cough. That did get better whilst at home. But TBH, he had had years of chronic stress, and his anxiety has never been addressed or supported. So I am not at all surprised that he has now developed OCD.

 

He is in a school that can meet his needs now. And it is an independent ASD specific one for children with around average cognitive ability, rather than moderate learning difficulties. And he likes it there. It isn't always easy for him, because his OCD is very bad at the moment.

 

But you need to bat the ball back into the school/LA/NHS Professionals/EP court and ask them to assess him and to give advice. Because he cannot carry on like this. He will become seriously mentally ill.

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Thank you all, really appreciate and have taken your advice, will get sa snt off and ge camhs to write a letter and i will not say i am anxious anymore or show it if i a. wish i had spoken to you all before the meeting, will let you know how i get on.

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Good luck venus let us know how you get on, we are all thinking of you :-)

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hi i know exactly how you feel i have 16 year old with aspergers (but in denial) a 14 year old with ASD, both diagnosed at age 14 when it became apparent that they couldnt cope.i also have a 12 year old due to go to secondary school in august,primamry school say they see nothing ,she has barely been going for the last year if she managed 1/2 a day a week it was good,we tried the dragging once ,but i cant do it when they are little its different but how can you do it to an older child,my youngest was assessed and was 'suggestive of a child with ASD but couldnt find anything pre 3 years old'so they havent diagnosed!!!! although we are pushing for 2nd assessment,isnt helped by the fact she just cant engage with people and refuses to see anyone.we did have an autism specific worker helping who has said she thinks it is ASD , but she is also a social worker and we hadBIG problems with them earlier in the year so now daughter has refused to see her!!

but getting back to it,we have now virtually been pushed into a corner,if she is registered with school and doesnt go we end up in court because no diagnosis,or we home ed!! so as she hasnt started academy we have decided thats what we will do,we dont need permission because she hasnt legally started we just need to inform ed dept.its not ideal but at the end of the day we have no choice and do i really want to go through the next 4 years of hell trying to make her go and making her so unhappy,all i want is a happy child,so i would say think about home ed we havent started yet and i know it will be tough but better than struggles everyday,also please keep diary ,i have been doing one for the last 4 months so at least when someone says nothing is happening i have evidence.

hope it all works out!

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not sure there is anywhere where we could get one have already been told that the autism team that was about seems to have disbanded so dont know how to go,but the biggest problem is the fact dd wont engage with anyone which is making life so hard.

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This is a link to the British Psychology Society.

 

http://www.bps.org.uk/bpslegacy/dcp

 

You would need to find a psychologist that had experience of assessing children with autism, and experienced in preparing reports for Tribunal, and also attending SEN Tribunals as expert witnesses. Reports are not cheap [around £1500], but if you are in a deadlock it could help.

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well at the moment we have decided to just pull her out of school and see how things go,she is very funny in that because her brother and sisiter werent diagnosed til they were 14 that that is when you get a diagnosis,so we have been through so much in the last few years and social work have made the whole situation so much worse it would be nice to just forget about it and get rid of social work and get back to what i would say is some sort of normality in the house,and if home ed works everyone will get off our backs and we can worry about diagnosis at a later date when perhaps she is more settled and happy to see people.tried the site you put the nearest one is over 70 miles away! thanks anyway.

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Forgot to add my son is very anxious about school and think i am anxious too.

 

I was always anxious about school too. I still remember sitting in the car going to one of my new schools and feeling that horrible churning-sensation made worse by breakfast and coffee. And then it was like...I was on my own up against this whole Unknown.

 

The morning was slow to start. It turned out I arrived about 2 hours before school actually started so I sat in the registration class on my own for 2 hours waiting. And then when everyone did arrive I remember being sat as if in a glass bubble while everyone else chatted. Another chap started around the same time as me in that same registration class and he was like the coolest kid within a month, whereas I had a lot more difficulties even starting up in conversations; even the teachers found it amusing.

 

I also remember ending up in the wrong classrooms on that first day (and many times after it too) and the teachers seemed to show almost no support and thought it was a joke - as did the classroom idiots! I still remember a French lesson in the afternoon of that first day where the others were far more boisterous than I'd been used to up until that point (I was about 13 at that time).

 

I'd been moved schools that frequently because of moving house so many times that I never did get the chance to really settle in! I'd left lots of good friends behind in my previous schools and all of a sudden I was on my own again in my glass bubble and in, I suppose, almost a state of shock!

 

The following day after that first I didn't want to go in...there was like a physical force stopping me and if it hadn't been for the fact we still lived 15 miles away from that new school which meant I had to be driven to school, I probably wouldn't have gone in again! It was like me against them.

 

I didn't know anything about Asperger's back then (I didn't find out about it until I was 24 when someone recognised I had very deep asperger traits). But going back to the school thing...it's as if all the kids automatically pick up on that "difference" and you know what kids are like at 13 - everyone has already made their friends and any outsider, especially one with Asperger-like traits will probably fare very badly. I know I did.

 

It was literally a case of survival - a fight/flight situation; akin to going into a war zone unarmed!

Edited by Mike_GX101

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I've posted a link below to Wikipedia because it lists some co-morbid disorders/difficulties associated with an ASD, and Anxiety is one of them. But TBH, if a child has problems with speech and communication and social communication, and clumsiness, and sensory issues that are frightening and/or painful and feel an outsider and like they don't fit in - then that would make anyone anxious. Anyone, put in the right situation/environment for long enough, where they cannot cope, is liable to develop an Anxiety or other mental health disorder.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conditions_comorbid_to_autism_spectrum_disorders

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Mike: I think many children going through mainstream school with Aspergers struggle just like you did. But the fact that you changed schools frequently would have made it so much harder, especially when you were leaving friends behind.

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While I did not know about the autism back then, I have always had a stammer.

 

This can almost be used as a yardstick to see how distressed/anxious/emotional I am inside.

 

Before my move to this new school when I was 13 I went through about a year without a stammer - my speech was perfect and I felt brilliant.

 

But my stammer returned almost vengefully following that move to that new school.

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