Jump to content
Lyndalou

It's not my fault - I'm Autistic

Recommended Posts

What are people's thoughts on this statement? I'm hearing this a lot these days and although I agree with it with regards to certain situations at certain times for certain people, as a general or blanket statement it makes me very, very uncomfortable.

 

:unsure:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi

 

I think it can be an 'excuse' sometimes, but it can also be a very good reason - difficult for us to judge really.

 

My eldest has never used it as an excuse, and refuses to use it as a reason - which can be very frustrating!

 

My youngest, I believe, is now using it very much as an excuse - which is extremely annoying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think we are all guilty of certain lines of thinking at times - just replace the word "autistic" from the end of that statement of yours and replace it for some other words and I imagine we've all said it once....

 

As for the actual statement itself, yes I've 'heard' it - I can't speak for everyone else, but I won't say it because I wouldn't want it to sound like I was making an excuse.

 

It's one thing to say ASD makes something difficult and another to deny all capability/responsibility/hope/effort/etc by saying "it isn't my fault so there's nothing I can do about it" or to use it as a badge to get away with things.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's a very difficult issue myself. I'm well aware that my son has some major sensory issues that cause him to react in unusual ways or to scream and shout for instance but I also think that at the development level he's at, a lot of kids would push the boundaries and act out too! He's not (I don't think) at the age to understand the consequences of his actions.

 

I find it tough when it's adults who are saying this as a way to 'explain' behaviour that is distressing others as well as hurting themselves. I know someone who is posting very abusive and violent things on the internet. If people challenge this then he says they are being persecutory or disablist because he is 'allowed' to say these things - it's him having a 'meltdown' because he's autistic and not coping well. It's a bit of a lose/lose situation to attempt to challenge ths way of thinking but then it's going out into the public domain that this is what being autistic is all about! :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, that can be frustrating (to say the least) especially when people will see that and think we are all like that, it sends out a negative message, and although I'm not great at positivity I do think that there needs to be a balance of info out there, from positive to negative and everything in the middle.

 

Unfortunately a lot of people seem to see the bad stuff and less of the good.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It is used when more social pressure that the person can deal with is being put on them.

 

What context is it being used? When someones actions are being questioned?

 

i think it is probably being used when the final demand has caused that sort of response, ie they will put up with so many demands before finally saying 'it's not my fault im autistic'.

 

Took me a while to get around the issue of being 'prevented of going to the toilet', part of the problem was me not realising they weren't aware that i needed the toilet (or that it was urgent and comes on so suddenly due to proprioceptive problems). Instead of the expected 'ok' to me saying 'i'll be back in a bit' i either get 'where are you going?' (which i can deal with) or another conversation starter. The other person thinks it is something quick or something i can think about whilst im using the toilet but that's not the case. Problem solved by the communication card 'i need a bathroom break' which i show then head to the toilet.

 

There are other problems i cannot resolve by communication cards (even these i fail to be able to use at times). ive told people to avoid using a new strategy that involves memory because that is how bad mine is when im on my pain meds. When im off my pain meds i cant remember because i am in more pain than anyone can cope with.

 

One analogy i was given to describe communication problems by another autistic is....

 

There are 2 people in a lift a chinese and a japanese. The lift breaks down whilst awaiting for help they try and speak to each other. The chinese speaks only chinese and the japanese speaks only japanese, who has the communication problem?

 

Another situation was in the drama ER, a girl is brought into the ER and a lad. The lad doesnt speak and the police are abusive towards him shouting all sort of obsenities about his behaviour. The lad is tied to the stretcher so he cant escape. Whenvever he tries to move his hands he is shouted at more.

 

Eventually a nurse walks in and unties him, the police protest. The nurse has recognised the guy is deaf and tells the police this. They seem shocked but the deaf guy is interviewed via the nurse who happens to be a sign language interpretter. The situation arrises because someone has spiked his girlfriend (the girl originally brought in) drink and he drives the car speedily to the hospital. The police interpret his sign language as 'gang signs' he uses finger swearing back at them (they did wresstle him to the ground and punch him in the face before he ended up in the ER with a broken jaw).

 

One reason why i watch soaps and medical dramas is because all sides of the story are shown (from the authors perspective).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that sometimes that statement is used just because it is simpler than going into the detailed reasons, that most lay people would just not get. For example my own son has a number of different co-morbid disorders as well as the ASD, and if something were to happen, I might define it under the umbrella of 'autism' rather than trying to explain what OCD or Dyspraxia or Severe/Profound speech disorder was.

 

But it is not a 'get out of jail card'.

 

I don't really find myself in that situation where I am having to explain my son in that way. More often it is to family members that just do not get why he is often only in his pants, or why he has to have a bath/shower after midnight. It is a case of them thinking 'you just need to tell him no', and maybe they think it is a parenting issue. But when they try to enforce how they think it should be done, if he is at their house, they see themselves that you cannot just say 'no' and that covers it.

 

For example my son has an annoying habit of piggling the soap. Rather than rubbing it between his hands, he takes out a piece of soap, so that he can 'see' the amount of soap he has got to use, because if you rub your hands together you don't actually 'see' how much soap you are using. Obviously that affects how the bar of soap looks. Which my mum did not like, as she thought he was being wasteful. I know why he's doing it, because that is how he's explained it to me. And telling him that it destroys the 'look' of the soap makes no difference. Because the real 'issue' of him being able to measure how much soap he is using is not resolved.

 

So to escalate that further by telling him that because he defaces the soap he is not allowed to use it, means he is now in a situation where he believes he will get contaminated with germs, and his Gran won't give him the soap to let him de-contaminate himself. And so he gets aggitated, angry, upset, tearful - which can last for hours.

 

So if you try to explain that to your family and they just do not get it, then you end up saying something like the phrase you have used for autism, or OCD or whatever it is that I seem to understand [because I have had the professionals explain it me, have read the books, have lived it] and they just don't get. Sometimes I don't understand 'why' they don't get it. To me it is a clear as water how what they have said and done will put him into a conflict with himself situation that he won't be able to resolve.

 

But I really do try not to use that kind of phrase because it does not explain anything. But in a high stress situation or environment, when you don't have time ie. in a cafe queue, with lots of people behind you, you just have a couple of seconds to resolve the immediate dilemma.

 

And I would not use that phrase anyway. I would be more likely to say "my son is autistic/has OCD and he finds it hard to xxxxxx.

Edited by Sally44

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i just wish people would take my word for it when i explain it is because of my ASD or any other diagnoses i have in my signature.

My mum really doesnt get autism at all. Yesterday she told my brother "to look after my nephew". When my nephew tried to get

me to play with him i was resistant because in order to play with him i had to look after him which wasnt my instructions.

 

My brother nearly drowned age 4 months because my mum read the paper and pressumed me and my sister were looking after

him. She claims she saved her life when i was the 1 that warned her about him being in the jacquzzi.

 

She claims she isnt autistic then behaves autistically and also is quite nasty about my autistic behaviour. i am not allowed any part of my disabilities, subjects about my disabilities are dismissed as 'complaining for the sake of it'. i am trying to work out how my mind works so i can stop accidentally doing stuff that im going to get shouted at. i know completely impossible situation.

 

i am never asked why i do something and she told me 'not to be so silly' when i told her she is so loud my reaction is 'help what i have i done wrong now' i was pouring my heart out to her and my feelings are dismissed as 'being silly'.

 

There are very few places where my autism is expected and accepted, autscape is one of them but thats only 4 days per year.

 

My family tried to use emotional blackmail into getting me to shower. "you wont have any friends" (a lie i have friends). "you wont get a boyfriend" (another lie ive had boyfriends). "people wont want to sit next to you" (another lie people do sit next to me and it is before all the other seats have gone in the room).

 

Sally44 i totally get the soap and your son situation. i think there is some literature on explaining autism to grandparents but im guessing you've 'been there done that got loads of t-shirts' ?

 

Why is society based that if you know how to behave you are respected but if you dont it is treated as willful incompliance? (million dollar question i realise),.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

After working in close proximity with 21 other people on the spectrum (with the exception of one person) who never used their disability as a crutch - I think it's a crock. There are things that happen because of how my autism affects me but I NEVER use it as an excuse for cruddy behaviour.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

you are what you are, you havebeen born with autism at its you.you are a unique human being. Every one is different. we can't all be the same.life would be very boring if we all were. You are a important part of human society.Society has to accept autism and other human differences as normal difference's .

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hate it when someone is using it to excuse unexceptable behaviour - either by themselves or by their children but it can be useful in certain situations when trying to explain that it's difficult to do certain things.

 

I don't take vacations because the stress involved is too great. In the past I've had to endure people questioning me about it and just not letting go of the subject. Now I just say I have AS and they shut up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone for replies.

 

I find it a bit difficult at the moment to fully understand the distinction between 'reason' and 'excuse'. Sometimes I'm thinking a reason IS an excuse but I'm also thinking that if people have the capacity to understand how their actions affect others (and I know this is not always the case for a variety of reasons) then there is also scope for modification of those behaviours too.

 

Two years ago I absolutely lost it with a neighbour. This person and his wife had caused myself and my husband a lot of problems over a 6 month period when we decided to build an extension. They complained when the application went in, they complained when the building started, they came out and abused the workmen and he made slanderous comments about my husband openly in the street. As a result of this our builders only worked during the week and not passed 6 o'clock so our building work was prolonged and it cost us a lot more money and stress and caused inconvenience to other neighbours. The person who did the final job could only work on Saturdays and the work was going to take two Saturdays to do. On the first Saturday, when the workman was finished the job he came to the door and informed me that the neighbour had come over to complain and tell him that he was going to report him to Environmental Health for working 20 minutes past the guidelines for work on Saturdays. I saw red. In fact, at that moment I was filled with such fury that I could have ripped my neighbour's face off!! I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience as I stormed across the street to his door in front of neighbours out mowing their lawns and washing their cars and started screaming through his letterbox. I saw him walk past the door and knew he had no intention of opening it so I screamed all the louder and when he opened it I continued screaming expletives at him and telling him what a mindless, stupid and evil moron he was. I knew everyone had stopped around about me but I didn't care...

 

I know why I did it - I know the reason for why I did it. The stress of the build had been very, very difficult and we had had to jump through every hoop there was to try to keep this man happy. Also, that morning I was experiencing a miscarriage and had been off and on the phone to the hospital. I was feeling in a precarious state emotionally. However, was that an excuse for me reacting the way I did when I could have easily gone upstairs and ripped up pillows instead?

 

I felt guilty, ashamed and embarrassed afterwards. I had to apologise to a number of people.

 

I was brought up to believe in the concept of taking personal responsibility for one's own actions. I believe in the concept of for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

 

Could I have stopped myself making a fool of myself that day? Can my son stop himself acting in certain ways at certain times when he is emotionally overwhelmed? Probably not at the age he is at but what about in 2 years or in 4 years time? Up until he can spot the triggers for himself, I know that I have to be on the lookout for the difficult situations he faces and I need to try to ensure he gets adequate rest, food and that he feels loved and supported. Inevitably, there are going to be times when his autism dictates his behaviour to a certain extent, like the time he couldn't cope with being in a marine aquarium as the tanks all around were too claustrophobic for him and the main auditorium was too full of people. He made a run for it, screaming and crying and trying to get out of the building. Should I have said to those rolling their eyes and tutting at me 'It's not his fault - he's autistic'? I certainly wanted to because as Sally said it would definitely have been an explanation for the behaviour but tbh I thought 'They are not going to understand and they won't care anyway as it's just a word'. I just had to get my son out of the situation as quickly as possible.

 

I cant formulate what I want to say next so I'll leave it there for now... :)

Edited by Lyndalou

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

autism is not a excuse for behaviour,but a reason. some difficulites are the autism the behaviour like manipulation for instance of palying ipad under the covers instead of sleeping is naughtyness,not the autism. disobedients of your instructions or orders because so and so knows better or wants different is a naughty person. thats the difference i see. Having a tantrum because coping with things like noisey classrooms or mis understanding what people say is the autism bit. often young children with autism can't express the difficulties they are having,so the swimming on the floor to onlookers is a child to be tutt! tutted! and the parents too,for having out of control children.but they don't know unless their is a label attached to the child, that the swimming on the floor screaming and crying is because the child with autism,wants santa to buy the toy and not mummy and daddy checking it out at tesburys!! what fun!! :rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As I see it a reason explains things while allowing responsibility for actions or behaviour

 

An excuse is something to hide behind, to divert responsibility.

 

Your example Lynda, is a series of reasons, you acknowledge that what you did was not the right way to go about it and had some very good reasons for finally snapping that day.

 

If you'd have been making excuses you wouldn't admit you were wrong.

 

In terms of children, I think that saying "my son has autism" in certain situations can be termed as a reason - but you have to feel comfortable saying it.

 

It is only an excuse if you do nothing about what is happening with your son and just use autism as an excuse not to deal with it (which I don't think you would ever do anyway).

 

Plus there's an element here of not wanting your son to use it as an excuse either (unless I got that very wrong) and I suppose if he hears you saying it, he might think that is what you mean.

Edited by darkshine

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As I see it a reason explains things while allowing responsibility for actions or behaviour

 

An excuse is something to hide behind, to divert responsibility.

 

Your example Lynda, is a series of reasons, you acknowledge that what you did was not the right way to go about it and had some very good reasons for finally snapping that day.

 

If you'd have been making excuses you wouldn't admit you were wrong.

 

In terms of children, I think that saying "my son has autism" in certain situations can be termed as a reason - but you have to feel comfortable saying it.

 

It is only an excuse if you do nothing about what is happening with your son and just use autism as an excuse not to deal with it (which I don't think you would ever do anyway).

 

Plus there's an element here of not wanting your son to use it as an excuse either (unless I got that very wrong) and I suppose if he hears you saying it, he might think that is what you mean.

 

I like the way you put all of that and I like what you said 'An excuse is something to hide behind, to divert responsibility' the most. That makes a lot of sense to me and puts things into some perspective :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Glad to be of service :D

 

In truth it's because I've previously given this some thought over the last decade - cuz of all the problems I have, and have had, I didn't want to fall into the "excuse trap" too often - but I am human and fail at times, but then I try to resolve that, and I think that is what is important too, we all make mistakes sometimes, it's what we do about them that matters, if we sit and make excuses then we don't resolve anything and things don't change. If we own the mistakes and address them then at least we are taking responsibility even when we are humanly flawed :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So in your defence to speeding in a motor vehicle you would state:

 

"It's not my fault - I'm autistic"

 

??

Edited by Mike_GX101

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So in your defence to speeding in a motor vehicle you would state:

 

"It's not my fault - I'm autistic"

 

??

 

 

If you are asking me you missed the point of what I said :)

 

I would never say "it isn't my fault - I'm autistic" to anything because that would be an excuse

 

Best

 

Darkshine

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So in your defence to speeding in a motor vehicle you would state:

 

"It's not my fault - I'm autistic"

 

??

 

i had to speed away from some cars yesterday. i was holding up a queue of traffic and there was sun in my way as it was twilight.

The sun dazzled me and i was unable to judge the distance between me and a car, so i sped up quickly so i could pull in and get around the car. The car then aggressively beeped me (ie holding down the horn) as it drove past me speeding when there wasn't a need to join another road (as had been in my case). i loudly beeped my horn back at them.

 

In their case the speeding was unneccessary in mine i could have gone into them had i avoided speeding up.

 

As fro fault this is something i avoid doing, i never say 'it's not my fault' i do say 'it is part of my autism' then get accused of making that a permanent thing and 'not trying hard enough'. If that part of my autism could be avoided by trying harder i wouldnt be autistic anymore.

 

BPhil Autism 2:1 has educated me about what is and isn't autism. My subluxing joints for example are part of my HMS, my reading disabilities are part of my dyslexia, my hoarding and time obsessions are part of my OCD (disinguished from the ASD because they do upset me whereas my playmobil collection doesnt), my major panic when unexplained changes are made is however part of my CPTSD instead of my ASD, my inability to leave a conversation (especially an online one unless the person says "no more emails on this subject please") part of my autism.

 

i feel my hobbies and interests are part of my disabilities as well, i like snooker, olympics, darts, f1 and various other sports for their mathematic qualities. Tennis scoring really confuses me and my stitching is both hampered and helped by my disabilities.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...