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RYOUNG78

Friendship

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I have a female friend I have known since secondary school. We both work in London and occasionally meet for lunch. My wife has never met my friend for lunch. my friend has never been invited round to our house. My friend has never invited me and my wife round to her new house although I know she has entertained a number of her other friends. I did have a crush on my friend at school but it never turned into anything. Is it me or does it seem that she only wants to be friends with me and does not want me to become involved with her other friends. My friend always seems to be friendly towards me when we occasionally meet on the train.

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im having deja vu, diddnt you make a topic called friendship like a week ago? anyway, if i was you, i would either introduce this woman to my wife or not see her. it just sounds like a recipe for disaster espeshilly since you,ve had a crush on her before. if you carry on theres only one place it will end up. the bedroom. it just all sounds to risky to me. if you love your wife, then let her meet this friend. also how would you feel if you knew she was seeing a guy she used to have a crush on from high school behind your back?

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I think it sounds absolutely fine for you and your friend to meet up for lunch every now and then. My husband has many casual women friends who he meets up with here and there, some of them I've never met, some I've met in passing just to say hello to. He meets a lot of people through his cycling club, men and women. One woman in his club works in the same offices as him and they regularly ride home together, meet for lunch or coffee, it's fine with me. I know my husband loves me the most, he'd never be unfaithful and he is just somebody who gets on well with women in general, women like him too. He and another male friend regularly go out for meals with a woman they used to work with. None of them work together any more but they often go to her house for a meal or out for a meal together. It doesn't mean they're going to have an affair or anything and it's not at all behind my back, why should I feel threatened? If I were you, and your wife is happy for you to meet your friend, as I am for my husband to meet his, then I'd carry on doing it and just keep it casual. It doesn't have to go further, with you meeting her friends and her meeting yours, it can just stay as it is, a casual lunch or coffee together, no harm in that at all.

 

~ Mel ~

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I agree with Mel. You are not meeting your friend behind your wife's back and it sounds like it's just a casual friendship, nothing serious with no particularly strong feelings on either side to be concerned about.

 

When I first met my husband he knew a number of women whom he considered friends. One friendship fizzled out over time, helped by the fact that she made it clear from the start that she doesn't like me at all and the feeling is mutual. I wouldn't have trusted this woman as far as I could throw her!

 

Another friend however, has lasted and has stood the test of time. He has known her considerably longer than he has known me and we are open about this friendship and I am of the opinion that if suddenly, after 20 years of friendship they suddenly want to have an affair then there is nothing I can do about it! They have been on holiday together since I have known my husband which a lot of people find strange. I have now put the foot down about this aspect of their friendship but only because it is using family money and I am left behind with the children which I find totally unfair. It is not because of her gender although like the woman I previously mentioned her gender would likely have come into any decision I made.

 

Your wife isn't worried about it so I don't think you need to be.

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My husband hasn't gone on holiday with just one other woman, which I would find difficult to accept, but he regularly goes away with groups of his cyclist friends, some of whom are women. I have no problem with this at all, they are just friends the same as the male members of the group are. I do sometimes get a bit jealous, not because he's going off with women, but just because he has so many blooming friends when I don't have any! Grrrr!

 

~ Mel ~

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Thanks for the advice it has been really helpful. I just have one further observation, it always seems to be me who has to make the contact with my friend to meet up. Should I just accept this is the way it has to be or should I wait for my friend to contact me to arrange to meet up?

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If, when you contact her, she's always happy to meet up with you, I'd just keep doing that. It would be a shame to stop contacting her and for your meetings to end because of it. Sometimes people just get into habits. If you're both happy with the arrangement as it is, I don't see any reason to change it.

 

~ Mel ~

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I don't see a problem. There's nothing wrong with fancying someone, it's normal. As long as you know you'll never be unfaithful to your wife, I don't see an issue. If you and your friend have a history together you're bound to have feelings. I wouldn't worry about it myself.

 

~ Mel ~

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Strange how things plan out.

 

I had a "thing" for a friend of mine about 7 years ago. To cut a long story short, her boyfriend didn't like her friends very much and they moved away and didn't hear from her at all.

 

Found her on facebook a while back and she has now split with her boyfriend (and now two kids in tow) and we met up.

I feel ashamed to say it, but the state of her made me feel physically sick to the point I had to make my excuses and leave.

 

She was such a pretty thing and I still fancy the "7 years ago her" but now I can;t stand to be in the same room as her

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When I was a child I had a close friendship with an elderly gentleman, and then when I was a teenager I had a friendship with an elderly lady which was one of the most significant of my life. Now, in my thirties, my best friend (beyond my husband and my sister) is my brother-in-law who's in his forties, and one of the people I most esteem (I'd definitely call her a friend, and I hope that she reciprocates) is 19, and really isn't very similar to me at all in lots of ways. I personally feel that friendship can transcend age, gender, race, culture, socio-economics, religious belief, educational background and philosophy.

 

Sorry, but the topic made me think of this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBO9KKMoCgI&feature=related

Edited by Mannify

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Strange how things plan out.

 

I had a "thing" for a friend of mine about 7 years ago. To cut a long story short, her boyfriend didn't like her friends very much and they moved away and didn't hear from her at all.

 

Found her on facebook a while back and she has now split with her boyfriend (and now two kids in tow) and we met up.

I feel ashamed to say it, but the state of her made me feel physically sick to the point I had to make my excuses and leave.

 

She was such a pretty thing and I still fancy the "7 years ago her" but now I can;t stand to be in the same room as her

 

Sounds like she had a lucky escape.

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On reflection I think I will wait for my friend to make contact with me. Otherwise it seems that I am always the one making the effort to maintain the friendship.

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On reflection I think I will wait for my friend to make contact with me. Otherwise it seems that I am always the one making the effort to maintain the friendship.

I was in a similar situation to yours some years ago 'but like most of my friendships it seems' my female friend got a new boyfriend said a few hurtful things to me and I never heard form her again. I don't have any ill feelings towards her in fact I hope she's well and happy. I do seem to get on very well with women but I'm not looking for romance I'm happy with my girlfriend - however having a genuine female friend when your in a relationship can make things difficult there's no doubt about that.

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It's difficult to know with friendships if they will last or not. I suppose knowing somebody since secondary school (over 15 years) indicates that it may last although if her circumstances change it may come to an end.

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