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Son's violent behaviour

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Can anyone give me advice on how to handle my 7yr old (undx asd) son's violent behaviour? An example from today: His 5yr old (NT) brother kissed him on the neck, so he grabbed his arm, swung him round and threw him to the floor in the middle of the shopping mall. It was with such force, my 5yr old smacked the back of his head on the concrete floor.

 

I'm so worried that he will seriously injure his younger brother and really don;t know how to deal with it. I've tried "grounding" him, talking, shouting, reasoning, and would love to hear from anyone who can help! I feel like I'm banging my head on a brick wall :wallbash:

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Hi, you really need professional help. Professionals such as a CAMH, clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, paediatrician, G.P. need to get involved. My son was very aggressive when he was younger and still is now at times. You need professionals to help you. Have you gone to your G.P. at all as he/she can get you referred to the appropriate person. I think it would be in your's and your son's best interests if he could be referred to a behavioural therapist. I do hope you get the help that you need.

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Have you gone to your G.P. at all as he/she can get you referred to the appropriate person.

 

Hi, thanks for your reply, I saw the GP a couple of weeks ago and he is referring us, just waiting for an appointment. My son was assessed for ASD/ four years ago but they said he was "fine" and its "just his age". Now he's getting older his "behaviours" are becoming more obvious and definitely can't be put down to his age, I just hope we get somewhere this time and we get the help we need

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Sounds like your elder son is showing his frustration/anger/disappointment etc by a show of violence. It could also be his way of gaining/showing power over the youngest one. Perhaps he doesn't like the word "no".

 

You know that he cannot be rewarded for violent behaviour and you need to take control.

 

Does he watch violence on TV (some cartoons definately show violence) or play such games on a portable games console?

 

Also my question on what he eats/drinks/snacks on still stands...

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Also my question on what he eats/drinks/snacks on still stands...

 

Hi

 

I'm quite conscious of additives, colours, high sugar etc, so try to give him a balanced diet, he doesn't eat dairy products particularly apart from strawberry yogurt and dairylea. he does eat processed food like fishfingers, but then has fruit & veg too.

 

He doesn't play on games consoles, apart from his DS which only has Super Mario and a Dinosaur Game on it.

 

As for the control, I don;'t know how to control this behaviour as it comes from nowhere, This is what we need help with. He will be the loveliest little boy one minute, but within a few seconds can change into a violent child filled with rage

 

It's not just his little brother, he's kicked me and his grandma, smacked his friend in the face... the list goes on...

 

Any help would be gratefully received!

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Hi there

I agree that some professional help would be a good idea.

I too have experienced a similar problem - i have an AS son and a NT daughter and found my son was agressive and physical with his younger sister (by 5 years). He would sqeeze her, grab her by the arm and sometimes the neck and would also be verbally abusive to her.

Its a very difficult thing to deal with but i found that i had to help explain to my daughter that if she wanted to touch her brother...hugs or kisses for example, then it would be best if she asked him if that was ok first. As she got older and had more of an understanding, i also explained in basic terms to her that she needed to be careful around her brother as he found things difficult and didnt always understand.

Its a tricky one to balance as my daughter in effect had to take on the more 'mature' role of the two but we found it did help.! I have to say, that it was quite hard for my daughter and she often felt as though she hd to compromise a lot for her brother.

I hope that you get some support and help soon.

Bee

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Hi, my son aged 7 was diagnosed last November. I've made a point of letting him know and understand his diagnosis which has really helped as he has been very aggressive and still is at times. I'm trying to help him realize there is a reason behind the frustration that he feels. I bought a book called 'The Red Beast' Controlling Anger in Children with Asperger's Syndrome, which I would highly recommend. It takes the blame out of the anger and helps the child realise that everyone gets angry but the red beast wakes more easily in some than others, the trick is in learning how tame it!

 

Hope this helps x

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It is so difficult to deal with aggressive behaviour as I have found out and have never been very successful with helping in this matter with my son. That is why professional help is required. So I do wish you well and let us know how you get on.

 

One thing I will say is I've learnt in the past to stay clear of my son when he is at his worst, it is better if you can get him to go to his room until he has calmed down again, but I guess you've probably tried this already?

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Of course aggression itself doesn't come from nowhere. It is usually a response to something as per cause-and-effect.

 

Find the cause and root out the problem.

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For example ever thought of sibling rivalry? Many parents are unaware of the nuance's of rivalry within their family.

 

For example it might be something like having a sense that someone else is getting their own way more often, getting more attention for whatever reason, etc etc. If for example your son does feel like that towards his younger brother and perhaps if he thinks there is something detrimental to being non-neurotypical such as being less popular then anything the younger one does potentially aggravates it - even a kiss on the neck! It's a reaction to a feeling that one is being pushed out and the one doing the pushing is rubbing it in. Believe me, that kind of a feeling is very alarming and depending on the personality of the one feeling that way the conflict can be dealt in any number of ways including fighting especially at that age.

 

Now I'm not saying this is what it is but based on the limited description of the problem you have provided this is a possibility.

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For example ever thought of sibling rivalry? Many parents are unaware of the nuance's of rivalry within their family.

 

 

 

HI

 

Thanks to everyone who has replied to me so far, I really appreciate it. Jade - the Red Beast Book is now on my "to buy" list as I think my son definitely has trouble understanding his own anger.

 

There is an amount of sibling rivalry, which I understand, but the violent behaviour is not just limited to his brother, it's now spreading to other children and family members (if they say something he doesn't like, he can lash out and hurt them). It doesn't help that me & his dad split 4 years ago, His Dad was diagnosed with Aspergers so I think he maybe one of the few people who he can relate to. He sees him every other weekend, but for the 2 weeks in between he has no contact with his dad.

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One thing I will say is I've learnt in the past to stay clear of my son when he is at his worst, it is better if you can get him to go to his room until he has calmed down again, but I guess you've probably tried this already?

 

We are having that situation at this very moment......He realised something had been on TV this morning that he likes, he then screamed at me for not recording it, burst into tears and was inconsolable, blaming me because he missed it. I tried to explain that if neither of us know it was on TV, we wouldn't know to record it - but there is no reasoning when he is like this. I could see his anger building so he is now in his room to cool off before he lashes out at either me or his brother :(

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My son was like this when younger, tbh a busy shopping mall would have been a place to avoid at all costs.Too must sensory overload it would wind him up no end and hed either go into an anxious state or shut down.Violence should,nt be tolerated and he needs to know its not acceptable at all ever.Your younger kids are gonna learn quickly to avoid him when hes getting anxious.My son for instance hated to be kissed particularly if it was unexpected .My younger 2 always gave him space , never touched his stuff in his room etc.Hes 17 now and totally different !

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Sounds like he's going through quite a tough time then; give him a break!

 

Kids can end up in the middle of family breakdowns and it isn't a nice situation to be in especially when other family members might be arguing within earshot. It is not a happy situation to be in. Do you have a friend or other relative who can maybe look after him for a bit while things get sorted at home?

 

Some times taking them out of that stressful situation can do wonders for both their self esteem and their mood.

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I don't even know if this is an aspie issue (not that the autism helps) but family breakdown is always a stressful situation.

 

Someone mention CAMHS further up which might help your son. However it won't help the wider issue of family breakdown which is quite potentially what is exacerbating things at present. So here are some other options you might try:

 

Relate

SupportLine

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Mike,

 

We split 4 years ago so its all resolved and his dad & I are very amicable. I think its feelings that his dad left him and he doesn't understand why, especially as he moved 4 hours away.It's almost like he blames me and his brother for his dad not being here. As I'm typing this, he's being very well behaved, sitting quietly, eating his breakfast, we just never know when he's going to flip!

 

Suze

 

I understand the sensory overload thing, and I try never to take him shopping, unfortunately we made the brave effort to get school shoe shopping out of the way early. Maybe it may have been better to take him alone or to go first thing in the morning before it got busy.

 

I've been trying for ages to get hi to understand that no amount of violence is acceptable, but he seems oblivious to it :(

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That's what I'm talking about; there are clearly unresolved issues.

 

That's why you need professional support such as via Relate: 0300 100 1234

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Does your son have any sensory issues, ie. being over or under sensitive to certain things? Can you wash/brush/cut his hair, cut his nails, do you have to remove tags, do you have problems with sock seams and shoes? Is he over sensitive if he gets a small cut, and yet can really hurt himself and not appear to feel it? How is he with food smells, tastes and textures? Does he cover his ears at loud noises or when you turn the vaccum on or does he make alot of noise? How is his balance and co-ordination? Can he ride a bike, brush his teeth, climb over a gate or climb a tree?

 

Most on the spectrum also have sensory issues. And I imagine that if his brother kissed him on the back of the neck he didn't see it or expect it coming and it could have been a shock, and could even have been painful and frightening, hence his response?

 

I agree he needs to be seen by a multi disciplinary team that have experiencing in diagnosing children with an ASD. I also think he needs an assessment by an Occupational Therapist to assess if he has a sensory processing disorder.

 

Is he on school action plus at school?

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If he is on the spectrum and has sensory issues, then I think you would need to teach him that his 'experiences' are not the same as ours. That in itself will be a shock to him because he will probably think that everyone feels and experiences things as he does and may have come to the conclusion that there is something weak or wrong with him because he cannot do or tolerate what other kids and adults do. So you need to get some dialogue going about his experiences eg. if he covers his ears with the vaccum cleaner ask him "does it hurt your ears?", and explain to him that his ears hear things louder than other people. Tell him that you will warn him before you vaccum so he can disappear upstairs.

 

Regarding siblings you have to tell the younger one that unexpected touch may hurt him or frighten him. And you need to explain to your older child that his brother is not trying to hurt him and that most people like a kiss - but I presume he may not. Tell him that if something hurts him to tell you or the person that it hurt. And that he must not hit his younger brother - hard to explain, but just keep going over and over it, using stories and pictures etc.

 

There have been many instances of children on the spectrum hitting a teacher who has approached them from behind and placed a hand on their shoulder. They describe it as "an attack", and in that fight or flight response just lash out. Not right, but understandable if you consider what their experience was. For some with fragemented visual processing they don't even recognise WHO has touched them. They may just see a disembodied 'hand' and therefore cannot tell if it is friendly or an attack, and if they are over sensitive to touch, the hand on the should causes them pain and they react accordingly.

 

My son has face blindness [prosopagnosia], and he cannot recognise even familar people. He has said to me before that he cannot tell when someone approaches him if they are friendly or an enemy. So every social contact causes him anxiety because he may not know who it is or what they intend to do.

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Does your son have any sensory issues, ie. being over or under sensitive to certain things?

 

Is he on school action plus at school?

 

Touch (without his permission) definitely seems to be something which sets him off. Hugs are also on his terms. I can't "just hug" him, I have to ask, or he comes to me occasionally. He's ok with haircuts but we've been going to the same place, with the same hairdresser since he was one so its routine for him.

 

Its so hard, because I see posts on here where people are on the spectrum and my son doesn't seem that extreme with some things, but he has too many "quirks" and ASD behaviour to be NT. Its just getting people to understand.

 

What's action plus? I've not heard of that? He had an IEP, but tbh the school seem to think he's "normal" so its hard to get any help from them. I've been sent on parenting courses and been told that maybe I'm trying to make the quirks fit a diagnosis.

 

He's now going up to Junior School in Sept, so we'll see how his behaviour is with such a major change

 

I'm so glad to find this site where people actually understand :) x

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If it is any consolation I don't deal with touch that great either, and I am 35!! I have never really given hugs or kisses and feel very uncomfortable when getting or receiving them due to people having to invade "my space" and me being very touch sensitive and ticklish. I also don't really understand the hugging and kissing thing and although as and adult I have now learned there are some times and some people where this has to be done it does not make it easier.

 

I have a lot of things that cause me problems and I am sure your son has a lot too. The only difference is as an adult I can explain and understand them better than your son can. If you could find out some of the difficulties he has then I am sure you and your family can work around these, which will make him feel less threatened and unsure resulting I am sure in him being less violent and difficult.

 

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