For mothers

[lizj]

Can I please ask mothers of ASD teens and young adults:

Is it just me and my son, or do you sometimes feel unloved, unrespected and unappreciated?

He's 21 now, unemployed, wanting to leave home but unable to cope with living independently. Every day all we do is argue and every day I have to rescue him from yet another problem he has got into. He can't manage his money, keep appointments, maintain personal hygiene or get a girlfriend.

No matter how much I do for him there is no thanks, no love, no attempt to change his behaviour. I don't think he has ever in the 21 years hugged or kissed me, or said "I love you".

Maybe it's my age, but it is getting me down.

Sorry for the feeling sorry for myself rant, but it would make me feel better if I thought that other Mums are going through the same things and it's the nature of the disability. Or am I just a rubbish mother?

[A-S warrior]

its hard for me to be close to my mother, when me and my girlfriend split up i hugged everybody but my mum. i cant spend any time with my mum either it feels awkward and weird. im intimidated of the very thought of having any kind of relationship with her, i have no idea why. i think for pepole with aspergers we kind of put the shutters up with the pepole closest to us.

 

i know this is aimed at mums but i thought id add my 2 cents.

[lizj]

its hard for me to be close to my mother, when me and my girlfriend split up i hugged everybody but my mum. i cant spend any time with my mum either it feels awkward and weird. im intimidated of the very thought of having any kind of relationship with her, i have no idea why. i think for pepole with aspergers we kind of put the shutters up with the pepole closest to us.

 

i know this is aimed at mums but i thought id add my 2 cents.

Thank you for trying to explain. Do you think your mum feels bad about this, or is she able to accept it and live with it?

[Mandapanda]

My eldest thinks looking at me says it all. When I've asked why he never says thanks or anything he said "You should know". He will occasionally let me hug him but it's in no way a 2 way hug Yes it is upsetting at times, but in his own way I'm sure I am important to him (if only to cook, clean etc!). He's off to Uni next month, gulp! He's never even cooked toast!

[A-S warrior]

Thank you for trying to explain. Do you think your mum feels bad about this, or is she able to accept it and live with it?

 

 

i think in my earlier years she would get very upset, and i think to a degree she still does now, but i try and explain it to her as best as i can as to why i feel that way. i dont understand certain types of love so i dont know who to react to it. i quess when i have children of my own i,ll get a taste of that. but its nothing personal, me and my father also have a very unique realtionship, i go round there and its silence for the whole time.

[JeanneA]

Hi lizj I can relate to you entirely, but you have to remember that autistic youngsters don't feel like we feel it's just how it is. You just have to accept them as they are which is what I've tried to do over the years, sometimes I have very 'low' moments when I burst into tears because it seems my son 'doesn't show any kind of love towards me' but I know he loves me in his way and I get through it. My son is now in a residential home due to his extreme aggression, we just couldn't cope with him any longer, he is 18. I hope things improve for you, but please don't be too hard on yourself. You are a good mum, we all are. :-)

[oxgirl]

Hi lizj, I can relate, yes. My lad is 18, going on 19 and has never hugged or kissed me. I have always been affectionate with him; holding him, stroking his hair when he was little, etc., but I never got anything back. When he was little he accepted my touches and seemed to draw comfort from them, but now if I try to put my arm around him or pat his back, he moves away and is obviously uncomfortable. I try to give him the odd kiss on the neck and rub his back, but it's obvious he doesn't want this anymore. My husband feels I should stop touching him now that he is a young man, but I still want to show him affection. I suppose I must take cues from him though and, if he no longer wants me to, then maybe I should stop touching him altogether. I remember seeing a programme once though about a very lonely man who was persuaded to go for a massage and he said it was the first time another human being had touched him in over twenty years. I thought this was very sad and so I make a point of being the one person to affectionately touch my lad. Now I'm not sure what to do though.

 

When it comes to thanks, I never get any either. My lad isn't rude or badly behaved towards me, though, so I am lucky there, but it's just that there is zero feedback from him really and it does hurt. He is my only child and I'd love to have some affection from him or some sign that he cares about me. I know he needs me and relies on me, but that's not the same as actually wanting me.

 

~ Mel ~

[JeanneA]

Hi Mel I just wanted to say how much your words really touched me it is sad that our children aren't able to show affection towards us and like you said you know your son needs and relies on you but it isn't the same as feeling wanted.

[oxgirl]

Hi Mel I just wanted to say how much your words really touched me it is sad that our children aren't able to show affection towards us and like you said you know your son needs and relies on you but it isn't the same as feeling wanted.

 

<'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Suze]

Hi guys , this is quite an emotive subject I think for us mums.My son is 17 and the opposite in many respects.He is very tactile and likes to hug and be hugged, these are usually big bear hugs as he is a very strong 6,ft2 lad.He likes to tell me he loves me aswell.He can be very hurtful sometimes, he threw my mothers day present in my face and slammed the door as he had been woken early by his sister, and did,nt talk to me all day.He did apologise later on, but had no idea how hurtful he had been.In some respects its hard to know how much is ASD related and how much is typical teenage behaviour.All my kids take me for granted , and don,t appreciate stuff they have etc.It reminds me of my mum yelling at me to tidy my room and stop treating the house like a hotel!

[A-S warrior]

Is it just me and my son, or do you sometimes feel unloved, unrespected and unappreciated?

 

my mum agreed with this, but she said i make up for it with subtle actions. im not much of a talker.

[trekster]

Sounds like you need some respite care there are resources online for unsual behaviours of autistics.

i only know to say thank you because it has been taught to me in a way i can recognise. When out i can forget to say thank you to complete strangers so have a 'thank you' laminated communication card with me.

[hollypoppy]

 

No matter how much I do for him there is no thanks, no love, no attempt to change his behaviour. I don't think he has ever in the 21 years hugged or kissed me, or said "I love you".

 

Hi, someone on here had this quote on their profile and I think it's sooo true, hope it helps

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"

[trekster]

love your quote hollypoppy.

 

OP what does your son do for you that you like? No matter how small, whether you do favours for him or not.

 

Is he willing/able to apply for disability benefits with or without help?

[Sally44]

I think you need to contact social services and ask them to carry out a core assessment of your young adult son and also complete a carers assessment for you. SS will need to be involved with his life now or later, and best to get it started now.

 

We involved SS with my sister [who is mild/moderate learning disabilities and probably ASD], and at the age of 45 she moved into her own flat [she has worked full time too since she was about 30 at a sheltered workplace called Remploy].

 

She was taught various daily living skills and had a carer going with her for things like shopping etc. She has no idea of money and so my mum has done everything by Direct Debit and she has to strictly keep to weekly budgets ie. so much for food etc.

 

My son is 11 and he is a mixture. Out of the blue he can say he loves me and cares for me alot. At other times he says he hates me. Sometimes he is totally indifferent and I am just like a Butler providing food and laundry services.

 

But I have and still do work with him about this regularly asking him how someone might feel if x, y and z happened.

 

I think alot of children and adults on the spectrum do not have this need to keep reassuring others of their feelings for them. He is the same with 'friends'. He might not contact them for a year, but would still consider them friends.

 

NT's need to almost constantly be validating and reinforcing their bonds [rather like monkeys grooming eachother].

 

So I think you could ask him to say certain things and explain why it is important to you and maybe to other people in his life.

 

You will need to keep reinforcing it and modeling it to him by telling him how much you love him, and how good he is at certain things. Ask him how he feels when you say he has done something well. Does he feel proud. Does he know what the emotion "proud" feels like. Because often they find it hard to interpret their emotions, and may also process things much later after the event and may have no 'feelings' or 'emotions' in real time.

 

And of course each person is different and has skills and abilities to different levels.

 

A couple of days ago my son said he when he is grown up he would like to invent a way of downloading all the information in a human brain into a computer that he could load up into a robot. He said that would keep people 'alive' when their body had died. And then he said "I know they won't look the same, but they will be the same on the inside." - which I thought was very profound for an 11 year old with an ASD and a severe/profound speech disorder!

 

So I would say don't assume he can do things, or understands, or experiences things like you do. But at the same time keep stretching his boundaries, his knowledge, his understanding - because he will surprise you.

[A-S warrior]

Sounds like you need some respite care there are resources online for unsual behaviours of autistics.

i only know to say thank you because it has been taught to me in a way i can recognise. When out i can forget to say thank you to complete strangers so have a 'thank you' laminated communication card with me.

 

 

respite care? why? this is perfectly normal for pepole on the spectrum

[A-S warrior]

 

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"

 

nuff said.

[trekster]

as warrior even if this is typical asd behaviour the op has indicated she needs a break. no matter how much i love my (undiagnosed) asd mum, i do need a break from her. respite gives both people the chance to recharge their batteries.

 

op do you have a nas branch in your area? if so they might have some idea of some safe spaces your son could visit. is your son depresed? if so would your gp help? trying to get mental health support myself atm. hoping my appointments this week will help.

 

would he join an autistic forum? what are his interests?

 

hope this makes sense? using my phone as my shoulders are subluxing due to damp weather.

[soraya]

I can totally relate to thois topic, havent been on the forum for a while, but feel so fed up at the moment. Nick is 19, he has a social worker and sees a mental health worker, but as Nick misses his appointments all the time they are signing him off !! I have asked SS to let me know when Nick has an appointment but as he is 19, they wont speak to me!! He has had 2 failed college courses, 1 failed apprenticeship, and 3 failed jobs, all due to social difficulties and inappropiate behaviour towards girls!! He was on ESA, but we have since failed the medical, as the questions were so stupid, and basically because Nick can drive and go to the supermarket on his own, they think he is ok for work!! He def needs supported employment but he is not willing as he thinks he is ok and the only reason he has been diagnosed is my fault cause i couldnt cope with him and took him to CAMBS!!!

I never get any thanks for all i do, he thinks it is ok to live in a pigs sty. Whenever he meets a girl he makes them feel very uncomfortable as he is so over the top with them , the friendship usually only lasts a few days, and he gets very angry and depressed and takes it out on me !!

This sutiation seems very common for young adults, it def seems that the help stops at 18. I am very very worried about the future for Nick, but feel so alone, I just want someone to give him a chance.

[lizj]

I can totally relate to thois topic, havent been on the forum for a while, but feel so fed up at the moment. Nick is 19, he has a social worker and sees a mental health worker, but as Nick misses his appointments all the time they are signing him off !! I have asked SS to let me know when Nick has an appointment but as he is 19, they wont speak to me!! He has had 2 failed college courses, 1 failed apprenticeship, and 3 failed jobs, all due to social difficulties and inappropiate behaviour towards girls!! He was on ESA, but we have since failed the medical, as the questions were so stupid, and basically because Nick can drive and go to the supermarket on his own, they think he is ok for work!! He def needs supported employment but he is not willing as he thinks he is ok and the only reason he has been diagnosed is my fault cause i couldnt cope with him and took him to CAMBS!!!

I never get any thanks for all i do, he thinks it is ok to live in a pigs sty. Whenever he meets a girl he makes them feel very uncomfortable as he is so over the top with them , the friendship usually only lasts a few days, and he gets very angry and depressed and takes it out on me !!

This sutiation seems very common for young adults, it def seems that the help stops at 18. I am very very worried about the future for Nick, but feel so alone, I just want someone to give him a chance.

Oh, Soraya, you and I could be the same person with exactly the same issues - my son has also been thrown out of clubs, societies, school and college for inappropriate behaviour towards girls (and boys!!!) and can't hold down a job because he forgets to turn up, loses his keys etc etc

I am heart broken at the moment because he is persisting with looking for a home of his own. What he wants is listened to, what I have to say is not.

The council are offering him filthy places in grotty locations, and he will never cope alone. He has support workers but they don't deliver what they promise - we were promised a visit every day but it's already down to one hour a week. And he would still rather live there than in the home I have lovingly created for 21 years. I feel all my mothering has been rejected and I have wasted 20 years of my life on him.

Yes, I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself.

[oxgirl]

And he would still rather live there than in the home I have lovingly created for 21 years. I feel all my mothering has been rejected and I have wasted 20 years of my life on him.

 

I know it's hard, lizj, but try to look at it a different way. If he feels ready to move out and wants to take that step and is confident that he is ready then that is down to all your hard work with him over the last 21 years. It's natural for young people to want to fly the coup, but try not to see it as an insult but rather as a testament to all the skills that you have given him. You may feel that he won't cope, and you may be right, but it is a positive thing in some ways that he wants to try. I'm sure once he is in his own place he will soon come to realize just how much you did for him and how much he has taken you for granted and it might even bring you closer. If he is ready to fly then that is a compliment to you.

 

~ Mel ~

[lizj]

I know it's hard, lizj, but try to look at it a different way. If he feels ready to move out and wants to take that step and is confident that he is ready then that is down to all your hard work with him over the last 21 years. It's natural for young people to want to fly the coup, but try not to see it as an insult but rather as a testament to all the skills that you have given him. You may feel that he won't cope, and you may be right, but it is a positive thing in some ways that he wants to try. I'm sure once he is in his own place he will soon come to realize just how much you did for him and how much he has taken you for granted and it might even bring you closer. If he is ready to fly then that is a compliment to you.

 

~ Mel ~

Thank you for your encouragement. I am trying to see it this way, but the urge to protect him (or perhaps, if i'm honest, it's control I want) is so strong!

We are having a trial weekend to see how he copes. I'm sure deep down that he will be OK.

[soraya]

Hi lizj, it is so hard to knowvwhat to do for the best isn't it? I hope your trial weekend goes ok, how did your son get his own place, did SS help? I have ask SS about getting Nick his own place but was told that he would only get a room in a house!! I do worry about Nick leaving home as he tends to gravitate towards very dodgy people, especially girls, and always gets himself into all sorts of situations due to his troubles socially!! At the moment Nick is very low as he has nothing in his life at the moment, no friends or job. I am trying to get him to do some voluntary work, but he lacks motivation . We do try to advise Nick, but he will not listen, and our relationship is awful at the moment, like you I have been fighting for 19 years and have had enough!!

[oxgirl]

the urge to protect him (or perhaps, if i'm honest, it's control I want) is so strong!

 

I understand this, yes. I think we spend so many years organizing them and doing everything for them that it's hard to let go and pass the reins over to them. For my lad, he has never wanted to take responsibility so it has always fallen on me. He has no motivation so I always have to push him. If your lad has some drive to do things for himself then I think that is a positive thing, even though it may lead him into more trouble. As I say, I have the opposite with my lad in that he won't do anything unless I tell him to and organize it for him. I'm lucky though, in that he is quite maleable and even though he didn't want to start working in a charity shop I was able to make him do it and it has been beneficial for him. I don't want to have to keep doing all these things for him, but I know that he'd just sit in his room 24/7 if I didn't.

 

Good luck with the trial.

 

~ Mel ~