Another sad birthday

[soraya]

Yet again Nick feels very low on his birthday, all he wants to do is go out with a few mates, but he doesn't have any. I always make an effort and get him some lovely pressies and a cake, but it never makes up for lack of friends. He. Has gone to the cinema with his dad, but I long for him to be going out with others his age, the sad thing is he is now 19, and he says it is never going to happen, it really breaks my heart.

[smileyK]

I used to have same thought as your son like Many others with AS get lonely have low social skills self - esteem think it never happen to me it can did happen to me I had to work on it slowly bit by bit through college work and school friends I getting there step by step but that little bit later on in life development than others can be disappointing upsetting and frustrating I just want you both to know there is light at end of tunnel there is hope of social life! I never wanted leave house was scared afraid anxious nervous wreck/ mess found put later with AS diagnosis I also had SAD ( social anxiety disorder ) which can make socialising double difficult and hard make more of a challenge I used have no friends! Now planning/ organising my own social events without force prompting which is unheard of few years back would had been pushed out the door let alone do this ! Have set myself small targets / goals in my head and test with friends truly are what they say I have faith/ confidence/ trust in them completely not guide me in the wrong direction make me look foolish idiot this certainly gives me confidence boost ! Just take day by day!

[smileyK]

All my parents did was focus on positive side reinforcing that will happen just takes longer time to put into practice and actually work cone true! I had friends I thought were turned out no the case but at the time want anyone be your friend so desperate to be liked accepted socially and fit in be like everyone else have " normal friends" accept you differences or not but friends who stuck around through " everything" i know are real deal in my life and mean what they say which is what suppose to be and happen someone rely on listen to you respect you etc

[soraya]

Nick is very confidant and makes friends easily, but he cannot keep them, he is so desperate that he swamps people, he is so full on, txts them all the time, until it gets too much, and they leave him, he cannot understand that you have to take things slowly and stop being so needy

[smileyK]

Again I used pest everyone all time through text email phone I tried every way possible of getting contact them as became too obsessively needy and attached close to the point it was annoying the wotsits out of them all so pushed the further away instead of closer so didn't realise until pointed out by parents I was coming too strong too quick people didn't like that approach made them uncomfortable nervy around me but I couldn't see it as in situation too deep to look/ see focus around ! Im still needy but learnt this part and parcel of obsessive social side of AS ! It when I get paranoid anxious and/ or stressed tends step up get much worse out of control!

[smileyK]

I also linked being needy is wanted to be liked needed accepted as group and as you on your own which feel impossible mission / challenge to face alone when AS is there " staring" at you not leaving you alone giving breathing space! We can seem suffocating over whelming/ powering to anyone tries get to know us more as we just want to belong anywhere somewhere by anyone who will be there listen won't leave us on our own ! Think scary place bring on your own facing everything through our social eyes!

[smileyK]

At least your son isn't spendIng this entire birthday " alone" because of his dad! He'll be thankful & appreciate kind/ thoughtful gesture that you both trying find way help him and being understanding and supportive towards him not being social pressure/ strain on him as this would make feel worse! I know it isn't same as having friends your own age though!

[smileyK]

Maybe see of any social groups get him involved with?

[Sally44]

Have you considering scouting?

They have groups that go through the ages into adults.

My daughter is now an explorer [shes 13]. Not sure what age that goes up to.

Then the next group is Networkers.

 

This is a more structured group. You could talk to the leader about your son.

 

Does he have any hobby or interest that would have a group he could attend?

 

Then there is volunteering. Obviously depends on how capable he is, but i'm sure many organisations would snap up the chance of some extra help.

 

You could get in touch with your local disability organisations and ask them if they know of any support or social group for young adults with an ASD.

 

You could also ask Social Services the same thing. And depending on his needs, ie. is he independent, at college, capable of work etc, you should ask them in writing to carry out a core assessment. If he does have needs and is not independent, especially around daily living skills and independence, then you might get support or independent payments. If you get independent payments you can pay someone from an agency to do social things with him like the cinema, or going to the pub for a drink.

 

Again, I would recommend that you speak to your local disability organisation before contacting social services, so that you know what you can/should ask for.

 

My son [hes 11], has a care worker take him out once a week. I know paying someone is not the same as a 'friend', but it is socialising with someone outside of the family circle, and if he gets some other interaction he might not be so overpowering with someone else. But you also need to go over and over with him about what is overbearing. And you can role play his behaviour back to him by constantly texting him etc and see how long it takes before he gets fed up.

[oxgirl]

Soraya, it is the same for us too. My lad will be 19 in November and he's never had a friend. He has got to the point where he feels he'll always be alone and that nobody wants to be with him. He has just started a new course at college and already he is isolated, going to the library alone while the others hang out together. He feels constantly rejected by them. Unlike your lad, though, mine is very introverted and becomes almost paralysed when he is with other young people. He doesn't say anything unless he is spoken to and then only answers with one word answers. His self-esteem is so low, it really frightens me sometimes. He is so lonely but feels powerless to make any changes. He freezes up now when people talk to him. He doesn't want to be alone, but if a kid approaches him he is so terrified he wants to run away and be by himself because he just doesn't know what to do or how to behave or what to say. In the end, kids just ignore him because they're getting nothing back from him and he stands alone wishing he could be different.

 

It's heart-breaking to watch, isn't it. I am terrified that he'll go through his whole life without having a friend and never finding someone to love him, always being alone. When we are gone, who will love him then?!

 

~ Mel ~

[Sally44]

Why don't your two lads contact eachother via email?

Or connect on gaming consoles like X-Box.

 

Sometimes one small step leads onto other ones?

 

[soraya]

The trouble is Nick doesn't think he has anything wrong with him, it is always someone else's fault when things go wrong, he has even requested a re diagnosis, which his mental health worker has organised for next week (watch this space!,) Also we id try scouts when he was younger, but he was bullied there also!!

[alexmum2]

OXgirl omg you could be talking about my son, I feel exactly the way you do I am sooo worried that he will end up on his own for the rest of his life. I have tried so hard to try and get him into something in the hope of making some or even one friend out of school ....to list but a few; Swimming classes, Cubs, Scouts, Action for Children ,our local aspergers support group who arranged different activities... nothing worked. he desparatly wants friends but is sooo worried about being used and rejected as thats whay has happened in the past.

He gets on very well with his teachers and other adults but sadly not his peer group; kids at school wont associate with him, as like most kids at school they don't want to be the ones being singled out as the kid that hangs around with the lad with aspergers.

My son also finds it difficult to contect with others like himself, as he says the ones that attend the activities arranged by the aspergers support groups are not on his level , I don't mean to sound as if he is better than others with aspergers but as we all know aspergers is a spectrum.

 

He doesn't have anyone his age invite him anywhere... I have invited some of the kids he has mentioned that he sometimes talks to at school, back to the house or to the cinema but he hasn't wanted me to do this and says he only was going along with it to make me happy; needless to say he would never get invited to go anywhere with them. It heart breaking He is in yr 11 now and I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel either.

Soraya:

My son too spent his birthday with his dad and me, like your son he would have loved to go somewhere with another friend or a few mates but I know it will never be and like he says to me "it aint gonna happen". He has low self esteme to, because of the years of bullying and tormenting he never understood how to deal with it. I am at my wits end... I saw another lad in our street and several years ago when we first moved here he was about the same age as my son... I asked his mum if he would like to come over and play some computor games with my son but it never happend.

My son has always gone to main stream school and is doing very well academically but socially his life is ###### as he puts it.

 

Smiley K

I am so pleased things have turned out well for you, I wish there were young people in my son's school who could see his pain and not worry about what others think of them asking him to join them, but sadly there doesn't seem to be anyone. I have asked the school to buddy him with some one but so far they haven't got round to it and like I said he is in year 11! now.

[smileyK]

Alexmum2 - things could work out for both your sons your fears/worries are real and 'normal' i always thought of myself as a 'loner' in my own world always struggled stride socially small steps are the key who would thought i'd be holding girlie night in with some girlfriends from school are it's happening tonight! can't get my head around it! used be so afraid i still get embarrassed in certain social circles in unsure or wobbly of in my own head trying work everything out! they will get there just takes time more than most! i think my parents had same worries/fears socially as you are airing on here i think self-esteem/confidence has so much to do with social situations also and having low one impacts this further i was never invited to parties or around children's house mainly going round cousin house or family friends just be 'normal' 'liked' desperate measures hey! i can't believe i managing to achieve 'normal social goals' set just later on than usual which better than never to be honest! i try break social steps down to what i can manage /achieve it hard to accept learn hard lessons sometimes having AS!

[smileyK]

p.s i forgot to add i would prompt the school again jog their memory maybe slipped it! so keep on there case keep chasing up avenues! please hold on in there it took me years to build up my social skills/circles and people who are real and truly care and honest will stay around when things can hard tough difficult that's what i've learn't with my friends i'm lucky & grateful for 2nd chances i've been given with them now knowing i have A.S i think with me late diagnosis in early teens didn't help as suffered with anxiety/depression so missed out lot on social gatherings /experiences was messed up quite abit but trying make up for lost time now and there is time believe me for your sons to grow and learn just remember ther's no rush and will come just gradually slow don't push as will develop over time and being in year 11 is a difficult period in education with everything involved including social circles!

[trekster]

Nick is very confidant and makes friends easily, but he cannot keep them, he is so desperate that he swamps people, he is so full on, txts them all the time, until it gets too much, and they leave him, he cannot understand that you have to take things slowly and stop being so needy

 

I've been on the receiving end of clingy people. I have tried to do some research on the behaviour so I can understand it but sounds like the OCD is compounding the situation.

 

He cant understand other people that sort of makes sense, I dont think he means to blame the other person just points out why that behaviour is upsetting and confusing to him.

 

The other week someone asked me "why the change?" about an autism pub group, when I explained the reason to him he was very understanding. We had gone to TGI Fridays on request of a member the month before. I had to experience a breakdown and a few near nervous breakdown before my 1/2 way house happened.

 

By that I mean

1, going gluten and dairy free also avoiding other products as I realise their reactions.

2, reading about autism and obtaining my autism degree so I can explain mine and others autism

3, watching catchphrase and buying an idioms book.

4, meeting friendly autistics at the groups I run.