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I always struggle when talking with work colleagues and friends to come up with things to talk about. Has anybody else had the same problem, does anybody have any advice on how to deal with this?

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The previous night's TV usually seems to be a good one, except I don't watch much TV. It cracks me up when someone says "Did you watch Big Brother last night?" and you say "No, did you?" and they say "No..." - why bring it up then?!?! :D I guess they're just trying to find common ground and get a conversation going. Actually, often when I start that conversation, if there's more than one other person in the room, everyone joins in saying "Yeah, I watched that, what did you think of Jimmy's dress?" or something, and boom, just like that, I'm zoned out of the conversation and actually, I realise I don't give a toss about Jimmy's dress and wonder why I bothered trying anyway! :)

 

"Have you been up to much this week?" seems to be a good one too, but it's a bit rubbish if you see someone every day :P

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This is so difficult I don't think I'll ever get any better at it, even if I find that a person shares one of my interests I can easily get so carried away talking about it that I'm afraid that it probably looks like I'm giving them a lecture or something.

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Thanks. I sometimes wonder what my friends think of me. But I suppose they must like me if they keep seeing me and want to talk to me?,

 

Exactly :) Have you ever asked your friends if they are bothered by your talking? You might find that actually they just really enjoy listening to you as you have interesting stuff to say! I do think that practice helps with the whole social conversation thing. I don't enjoy it but I force myself to do it on a fairly regular basis, just to keep my hand in. In any case, your true friends won't mind anyway, because there's more to a person that just what they say :)

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How can you tell if somebody is a true friend?

 

That's a really good question, and one I constantly get wrong in my own life! I think it's someone who accepts you for who you are, and doesn't try to make you into something you are not. I have / had a friend who I really valued (I don't really have a lot of friends) but it's becoming apparant to me that she's only interested in me when I'm not depressed (I suffer from severe depression). I think it's because when she first met me, I was going through a period of wellness, so that's the version of me she was used to seeing. When I got ill, she seemed very uncomfortable with it, and instead of talking to me about it, she just ignored it, I think in the hopes that it would just go away if she refused to acknowledge it. And she's done it a few times, in a few different ways, so I'm starting to think that she's not as interested in being a genuine friend as I thought she was. I haven't even told her about my diagnosis of AS, because I'd hate for her to ignore that too :(

 

I think true friends keep in touch, or at least tell you if they are too busy etc. I think they don't make you feel bad for the things you can't do, but praise you for the things you can do. They will contact you, so you don't always have to be the one to make first contact if you haven't talked in a while. Essentially, they make you feel good :) It's more complicated than that, but I'm not an expert and anyway, it's all very well me writing stuff down, but that doesn't mean I'd recognise it in a real life situation! :)

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I always struggle when talking with work colleagues and friends to come up with things to talk about. Has anybody else had the same problem, does anybody have any advice on how to deal with this?

I used to struggle with that all the time but now it's only on occasions. The biggest problem I had was dealing with the awkward silences and trying to fill them. Often times you end up saying something that breaks the camel's back just to fill the space and end up paying the consequence.

 

My advice is this: learn to deal with silence and learn how to handle your own company. Then if you don't fill those silences it doesn't matter too much and you'll feel more relaxed. And if you're more relaxed your company will be more relaxed and that in itself will open the air ways for communication and hopefully a good bit of gossip that breaks the day a little bit.

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I can't follow the subjects of conversations and will often talk about an earlier subject when they have moved onto something else.

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Thanks. That sounds like a good idea. The friend I am meeting next week is an old school friend. We meet up from time to time but ui always seem to be the one who has to make the arrangments to meet. Do you think I should mention this when we meet next week or just leave it and wait for her to make the first move when it comes to next meeting up?

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The thing with any interaction we have is that we cannot always predict the response.

 

You obviously want to look at this area of conversation, so look at in a new way, make a mental or physical list of the things that interest you, and slowly work through it - I find that if I throw topics of conversation at someone as though I am a machine gun, a lot of people don't like it. So pick a couple of things and see what sort of response you get...

 

If they react in an interested way, talk about stuff, ask more questions, mention things that are relevant or linked then there's a fair chance they are interested to some extent.

 

If what you say gets a low key response or a negative one (as in the person has nothing to say, isn't interested or there are long silences and you are the only one talking) then its time to try something else.

 

I would also use this interest thing as a turn around thing, cuz you can ask people what they are interested in and see if you find common ground - such as what do they like to do, where do they like to go, what was their favourite holiday or place, what music do they like, what books, films, do they like the whole celeb thing, or have tv programmes they like.

 

These are general questions you can ask - again - I wouldn't do this in a way that makes them feel like they are being interrogated in court or something.

 

Then you can reminisce - this can take you so far in finding other interests, you can ask if they remember certain things from school, or from the period of time of being at school (such as world events, music, teachers, things that happened).

 

People also seem to like to know what you are doing and have done, so you could think of a few things that could potentially be interesting - my advice here is to try and think of things that someone can actually reply to - so not too depressive or anything cuz that can be a conversation killer I have found....

 

Then there's current affairs and some typical stuff if you run out of ideas - things in the news that someone might have an opinion on, brief comments about the weather or the prices of things...

 

These are just some ideas.... it really depends on the person you talk to and how they respond. Its best to be relaxed and try to gauge the other persons mood, if they clam up, seem bored, go quiet, or start looking at their watch and stuff then you need to change tack and try something else.

 

Basically when you do not know these things I find that trying to be flexible helps, because you can see what works and what doesn't and learn a bit in the process - of course you could well have to do this sort of thing with every person as you learn what works and what doesn't - but don't write anything off permanently as what may bore one person may really interest another person.

 

I often find that if all else fails find something that the person likes to talk about and find stuff related to that, or ask questions about that and see where it leads - again - you will see if someone is struggling to think of anything else to say cuz they will have to think or they will act weird and stuff. This is a good scenario in meeting an old school friend because you have a whole area of catching up to fall back on - I'd use that to keep things going in the conversation at the same time as seeing if certain subjects could lead to other topics - I try and make a note in my mind of things to return to...

 

I find that conversation works best with give and take - I find I enjoy them better when the topics have some common ground - I try to remember that this works both ways and that the other person has to have some degree of interest too - if they clearly don't then find something else to talk about, or even better just ask them questions that require an answer that isn't "yes" or "no"

 

So like with a film example - there's no point going "do you like such and such a film" it's better to ask if they saw something and ask what they thought about it, cuz then they can't just say yes or no. If you think about that a bit there's often ways of saying things that increase the likelihood of a conversation beginning, once you are talking to each other about something this is less important, but I find its a good way to start - and it also means you don't need to come up with a dozen prompting questions too - it makes a difference... and you can learn what someone is like at the same time.

 

Hope this helps

 

Darkshine

Edited by darkshine

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I feel a bit left out when my colleagues talk about all the exotic holidays and/or business trips they've been on recently, typically peppered with grumbles about what a "nightmare" certain airports are. The sufferings of the rich! I haven't got on a plane in three years.

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I have the issue of the original poster, I find it very hard to continue a conversation, I find the worst part of that is it's obvious to the other person that I'm unable to carry a conversation and therefore panic in my head, it's difficult for me to put it in to words but I guess someone reading this will be able to relate to me.

 

Almost like I'm looking at myself from their point of view and trying to imagine what they are imaging when looking at me, I'm terrible at explaining things !

 

I have one good friend, he wasn't afraid when I told him I have Asperger's, he even said to me about a year before my diagnoses that I might have it, I think I'm a good judge of people and have been lucky in the past to have found decent people like my self as friends, I tend to find shy people make better friends in my experience, they seem loyal and caring and really value your friendship, not that someone who isn't shy can't be a great friend but from my experience personally it's been the case.

 

Wrote too much again :P

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