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assmerger

Dealing with loneliness?

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On the one hand i like to be alone a lot.

 

On the other hand i enjoy to have freinds.

 

BUt i get overloaded and fatigues easy..I cant handle to many people at once or crowds.

 

Due to my personality also poor social skills lack of energy to socialise its hard to meet or keep freinds..even if wanted to? Most people want to be active and do things they dont want a freind who doesnt talk or do much.

 

HOw do you deal with it?

 

Do you prefer to be alone a lot? But also feel lonely a lot? etc...

 

I prefer 1 or 2 close freinds and to go to nice places, not with idiots or to much noise. I also like to do things such as pool or video games or sport rather than just talk or do nothing as i fidn that pointless boring. There has to be some kind of task at hand when socialising.

Edited by Suze

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I would recomend having a look at the book 'Party of One' the loners' manifesto by Anneli Rufus.It is a very interesting read and sets out to explore what it might be to be a loner and looks at the advantages and disadvantages in a way which de-stigmatises the concept.

 

I have read it a few times and can see so much of myself in it. Rather than make me anxious about having to be some sort of socially acomplished performer it has made me feel comfortable about who I really am.

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Party-One-Manifesto-Anneli-Rufus/dp/1569245134/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1348685684&sr=1-1

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I would recomend having a look at the book 'Party of One' the loners' manifesto by Anneli Rufus.It is a very interesting read and sets out to explore what it might be to be a loner and looks at the advantages and disadvantages in a way which de-stigmatises the concept.

 

I have read it a few times and can see so much of myself in it. Rather than make me anxious about having to be some sort of socially acomplished performer it has made me feel comfortable about who I really am.

 

http://www.amazon.co...48685684&sr=1-1

 

I dont get anxious about being a loner i get depressed..you see at school i was most popular and always had loads of freinds but after puberty everything changed as other freidns didnt wanna play video games and football etc they wanted to go to parties and get drunk and go to clubs and meet girls etc but i didnt wnat to do that so then i was just left alone really.

 

But on the other hand i love being alone..Never moreso than after being with others..days alone i get depressed but a few hours with people i can then cherish being a lone and desire it again...funny

 

cheers for rec of book i will check it out

Edited by assmerger

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I've come to realise that I want things on my own terms. I like to control the amount of time I'm with others and the amount of time I'm alone. If I visit someone I can decide when I want to leave; if they visit me I've no control over how long they stay. I have three long-term friends who accept the way I am but it's not easy to find friends who are so understanding.

 

My relationship with my partner works because we're both the same that way. We don't live together but spend most evenings in each other's company and join up to go shopping, visit a library, see an exhibition, etc. but we each need time on our own. Even when we're together we often do something different - he's reading downstairs while I'm on the computer upstairs but it's nice to know someone else is here, in the house, within earshot.

 

 

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"'I've come to realise that I want things on my own terms. I like to control the amount of time I'm with others and the amount of time I'm alone. If I visit someone I can decide when I want to leave; if they visit me I've no control over how long they stay. I have three long-term friends who accept the way I am but it's not easy to find friends who are so understanding. "

 

indiscreet that describes how i experience loneliness. What i desperately need is to feel accepted and know where i stand with people. There are people who take advantage of that and drive me bonkers with their silly little mind games. Totally agree it is really hard to find friends that accept you for who you are but they are gemstones when you find them.

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Perhaps the place you need to start is with you.

 

Do you enjoy your own company?

yes

Now what are thresholds for being on your own? A day? Two days? A week? Do you know how long you can go without any social contact at all (and this includes forums of course too)?

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Now what are thresholds for being on your own? A day? Two days? A week? Do you know how long you can go without any social contact at all (and this includes forums of course too)?

 

lol try years...months i dont even leave my room. I have it all though, sky tv, recording studio, guitar, latest pc and video games, dvds, torrents, books, study, home gym, porn, internet..I have it all in my house....

 

Summer holidays from school 7 weeks long as a kid I used to sit in my room and play football manager game all 7 weeks 24/7 wouldn't leave my room, didnt even shower lol...I had agorpahobia though so i didnt like to go out when my freinds invite me and if more than 3 people i didnt like it so i chose to stay in.

Edited by assmerger

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What you experience at home is Life 1.0 - out there is Life 2.0 and you need seriously to go and see the doctor and tell them what's going on and that you're not leaving the house at all because you really need that next level in my opinion and by staying in you're depriving yourself of it - you're depriving yourself of a future.

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Mike I think your questions are a good test. In many ways I know I could go for a couple of months if there was a focus for example sailing single handed across a couple of oceans, or back packing across the Himalaya. In a similar way I like my own company because it frees me up to think in an expansive way and work on design concepts. Being a loner can be a very liberating experience.

 

Assmerger what you are describing is quite the opposite it is a very claustraphobic existence. I think this is as much to do with mindset as it is to do with contact with other individuals. I agree that you might have a very depressive mindset and you need to explore ways in which that can be improved. In a way isolation can be good if it enables you to achieve things on your level, but your level has to be high in the first place. In my opinion being isolated on low levels of mental health simply doesn't work.

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life 2.0?

 

erm i go out a lot and have been its not like i have never had life 2.0..I have had life 2.0 going to work, going to parties, going to uni etc..etc..and in all honesty the best part about life 2.0 is when i get home and into my bed and get my ps3 on and snuggle up.

 

I like going out in small doses maybe once a week or soemthing..but yeh atm im to depressed to even bother going out at all.

 

The thing i like best about being out is being drunk. If i get drunk i want to go out. I dont even socialise with people though as due to my asperger + being drunk I become even more one sided in conversation and egotistical lol..Just act like im some king.

 

but if im not drunk i dont want to be around people for long, even when im drunk i dont really like being around them i guess .

 

I donteven know what im typing but i like being drunk for sure.

Edited by assmerger

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Well it's good to hear you do get out and I can breathe a sigh of relief

 

*sigh*

 

ahhhh!!!!!!! That's much better

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that was then i dotn go out now because actually i see my hair is thinning and that makes me not want to go out even more though by choice i never went out much anyway

Edited by assmerger

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that was then i dotn go out now because actually i see my hair is thinning and that makes me not want to go out even more though by choice i never went out much anyway

How old are you any way?

Edited by Mike_GX101

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Being alone can be my best friend and my worst enemy at the same time. Now that I am married and have children I find the lack of alone time very very physically and emotionally draining at times.

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I can exist on my own quite easily if I avoid intoxicants as if I imbibe in intoxicants I come to hate myself way too quickly and thereafter become very self destructive. I see others twice a week only two visits to the pub per week to engage in the quiz nights, my only reason to go out anymore, but when the beer is in the sense is out, I end up questioning my choice of friends as they do not see life the same way as I do, but they are all employed and have partners with futures to look forward to whereas I do not, as I can't get a partner my social skills despite everything I have tried are not enough and so my future is me on my own as I have been the last seven years, if I last that long as I don't see any future if things don't change.

 

Life Sucks.

 

You see, I had friends I saw eye to eye with, but they have moved on, got jobs and partners and are thinking of better things where I can't move on I am me as I am the same as usual.

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I can exist on my own quite easily if I avoid intoxicants as if I imbibe in intoxicants I come to hate myself way too quickly and thereafter become very self destructive. I see others twice a week only two visits to the pub per week to engage in the quiz nights, my only reason to go out anymore, but when the beer is in the sense is out, I end up questioning my choice of friends as they do not see life the same way as I do, but they are all employed and have partners with futures to look forward to whereas I do not, as I can't get a partner my social skills despite everything I have tried are not enough and so my future is me on my own as I have been the last seven years, if I last that long as I don't see any future if things don't change.

 

Life Sucks.

 

You see, I had friends I saw eye to eye with, but they have moved on, got jobs and partners and are thinking of better things where I can't move on I am me as I am the same as usual.

 

how old are u..i dont think its hard for a guy to get a gf tbh with u i could ge a gf if i really wanted many girls want a safe guy and a guy with aspergers who is not got the skills to cheat on her and may be a bit socially dumb and innocent will be admired by some kinda girls, the ones that really want a bf...im not to bothered about having a partner i just more into sex...i wouldn tsay no to a gf but im not going to do much with her or give her much of my time

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how old are u..i dont think its hard for a guy to get a gf tbh with u i could ge a gf if i really wanted many girls want a safe guy and a guy with aspergers who is not got the skills to cheat on her and may be a bit socially dumb and innocent will be admired by some kinda girls, the ones that really want a bf...im not to bothered about having a partner i just more into sex...i wouldn tsay no to a gf but im not going to do much with her or give her much of my time

 

On the contrary I was married to a woman that was satisfied with boring old me for a few years until the point came she wanted the danger in her life and she said it, she compared me to her past relationships and told me women like excitement and spontaneity, my meticulous often secretive planning was no longer for her, I was useful whilst her kids were at home and needing a father figure, but as soon as they were gone well I hit what many a married person hits when their own offspring have flown the nest.

 

But of marriage, it took me a long time to get my head around that, as vows are promises and promises I keep, I just had to make sure I could keep those promises in order to make the vows and the vows I did keep completely as they are a set of instructions and I am good with those. She broke the vows not me, but in her search for the thrill of danger she pursued the danger knowing full well I would rationalise her actions as something she must do because I was deficient in some way, but with her increased lust for danger she became violent and abusive until the point came, I had to go and that was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and I ended up on an ECG because of it.

 

As yes, I was one of those rare upon rare even mythological creatures, a battered husband and not once did I ever exact physical or verbal violence on her, not even to defend myself and it was at one point the row was so loud neighbours called the police and I was arrested for being beaten up by my wife as no, it doesn't happen, wives don't beat up husbands, it is always the other way around or so the police seem to think.

 

But perhaps my loneliness is really in actual fact PTSD, I have been there and experienced what I could not handle and so I can't go there again as trust has gone, I want a relationship but at the same time I don't want't one because of past experience.

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yes

 

I don't have Autism (as far as I know;)...but I love my own space, being on my own gives me the time to reflect on teh days/weeks events and clear clutter...though I love being around people, it can get too much sometimes. In the past I would start to feel overwhelmed... I felt physically sick, and disorieanted when in a large shopping area with alot of people around...I couldn't focus, my eyes would blurr, I would feel shortness of breath...Though I don't feel like that anymore, Its only recentley I realised why that was...some of us can be overly sensitive to the energies of others around...some energies can be very dense, some very overpowering...Aspies are either very sensitive, or find it difficult to be sensitive or in my sons case his both...he hates loud talking, but he himself will put the music on loud, prefers to sit in the dark as the light hurt his eyes, he can't feel if his bumped into anything, but won't tolerate anyone brushing up past him... on an emotional level he can either be extremely sensitive to seeing something sad and kinda withdraw within himself or not even register whats happened...It is ok to want your own space and work with being around other people slowly...People who really matter, will always understand...

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